• Member Since 7th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen Apr 9th, 2016

Mlp Painted Blossom


14 y/o who adores collecting, drawing, and watching MLP

T

*Gift for a friend from school*
At a Wonderbolt concert with Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy sees a side of Rainbow Dash in which she's never seen before. Intrigued and slightly attracted by this new side of Dash, the young pegasus finds it hard to keep away from Rainbow. The news travels to Rainbow and a burning passion ignites between the two.

This fanfiction is filled with Flutterdash! If you dislike this ship, please do not read this story
Constructive criticism is appreciated
Cover Art By http://alend-nyan.deviantart.com/art/FlutterDash-3-554778287

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 4 )

The writing, in and of itself, isn't bad. There were no blatantly atrocious grammar/spelling errors, and the narration and description are satisfactory.

But I found it rather abrupt that Dash just fell asleep like that. I was confused for a bit.

Also, I don't have a huge problem with it, but it also seems pretty quick to suddenly fall into a dream which reveals to you your feelings of love. Usually, there's something that provokes such a dream, and the feelings that accompany them.


You're doing well so far, pls continue.:yay:

This is getting somewhere, the mention of what happened to Tank is a strong addition to the setup I think. Here and there, this story could use a little polish, though.

Not going too far into spelling/grammar/punctuation—which are good for the majority—I noticed that most of the dialogue ends in a comma, followed by the speaker's action. For example:

"Isn't this amazing, Flutters," [...]

Would be "Isn't this amazing, Flutters?"
The Fimfiction writing guide has more on this, so I'd recommend a read if you haven't already.

As you go on, I imagine you'll get more into the feelings of the characters and it's important to have us—as readers—feel the way your characters are feeling. Especially in situations such as the beginning: A character is bored, even though what's going on around her is something exciting. Why is this? Something came to mind while I was reading that part, so I might shoot that your way.

All in all, it's nice. Shipfics really aren't my thing, though this was pretty cute.

Thanks for the read.

6836640 Thank you for your input! I'll most likely be doing a bit of editing.

6837159 Ty for your input. I will be editing this chapter soon such as why she fell asleep so easily.

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