Rarity's Frantic Days

by Agent Fluffy

Third Time's the Charm

Oh darlings, you won't believe what I've been through this whole day. Well, it all started with me waking up from a bad nightmare. In this nightmare, I had a standing ovation. Everyone cheering me on and applauding for my fashion trends and lines. However, as time passed on, I got flooded with work! Everyone calling me and the boutique was crowded! Oh woe is me! I can't believe that happened! Then, I was galloping down the stairs and ate breakfast, namely pancakes. As I was finished eating breakfast, my phone rang once again and this time, it was a male client who called me. "Hello, this is Rarity from Carousel Boutique. How can I help you darling?"

The client had a handsome stallion voice. "Hello Rarity, I need you to make the most gorgeous tuxedo I'll ever see and wear."
I responded, "I'll make that tuxedo sparkle like diamonds darling! When do you need it by?" I asked him.
"Tomorrow afternoon I'm having a party at Canterlot with Fancy Pants." I was shocked when he said "Fancy Pants". The visions of my nightmare came back to me and I started having anxiety but I hid it from him.

"Ok. I'll get you your tuxedo. Goodbye." I hung up the phone so I could get working on the tuxedo. I had plenty of gems and jewels so I wasn't worried about running out. I was working hard sewing on the tuxedo when all of a sudden, my cat Opal knocked over the mannequins. I was very angry with my cat saying, "I was working on the tuxedo and you knocked it over. Now it's a mess but I'll forgive you my dear Opal." I said as I happily petted her. It was a minor fix though. I went to sleep and tomorrow came. I woke up and trotted down the stairs. I looked at the clock and it was almost noon.

I freaked out and said, "I've overslept! What am I going to do? This is the worst possible thing!" I put all the gems I could find into the tuxedo and it was nice and shiny. It was complete. I trotted on over to Canterlot and gave him the tuxedo. He was in awe on how sparkly the tuxedo was. "Thank you Rarity." He said as he paid my 20 bits. I galloped on home and went upstairs to relax in my room. My goodness, that was one big accomplishment I did very well.

Comments

[Malozi]

Eh... not bad for a first time fic? Not good either but not bad. It moved really fast and I didn't really get much enjoyment out of it as I normally would a Rarity fic. There's a lot of things that I could poke at in this story but I won't, because I'm not in the mood to really point out them out. Now, if it was more fleshed out, and longer, then maybe I'd throw this story a like. But as it is, some parts were hard to read because they didn't flow right.

"Hello Rarity, I would like a dress that is inspired by my love of food. Namely spaghetti and ravioli." I asked her, "When would you like your dress done?" She answered,
"Tonight by sundown. My family and I are going to an Italian restaurant in Canterlot." Uh oh. Tonight by sundown? I'm freaking out and crying my eyes out on the couch because the deadline is more strict than the first one. Where could I get spaghetti fabric and what does she mean by ravioli? I'm not so sure I've heard of it before. I looked at the clock in horror and panicked. I was desperate to get a dress done. It was close to sundown and I was stressed out beyond belief.

Thoughts should also be in italics. Just letting you know.
Otherwise, the story just didn't do it for me.

[Agent Fluffy]

7008974 Okay, I'll keep that in mind.

[totallynotabrony]

I'll echo the previous comment: it's going really fast. Slow down. Show more details.

Overall, your spelling and grammar are pretty good. You may have a little better luck with formatting if you write with a word processing program and then paste into the story.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. We all had to start somewhere.

[Agent Fluffy]

7023147 Well, I guess you can help me improve my story.

[Doctor Tex]

A little rough around the edges, but then again, isn't everyone's first fic? Not bad for a first try. I don't want to point out too many flaws as that would seem redundant.

Bravo, says I, Dr. Tex of TexTek!

[EverfreePony]

Hmm... I know this is older story and all, but still, I think I'll join in. It's a little short to tell if Rarity was top notch in character, but her selfless, drama queen persona surely was there Grammar wise, it's a solid story, the only issue I found were minor slip-ups in tense consistency. Remember that the whole story should be either in past, or present, nothing inbetween.

As others before me pointed out, it all happens a little too fast in this story. However, they didn't really propose any actual advice. So, let's analyze the first day of Rarity's ordeal.

First, it's said she had a really terrible, terrible nightmare. "Hmm, terrible. That's nice. So what?" I assume an ordinary reader would react like that. Don't tell the reader what happened, let them experience it instead. That means, show us the nightmare and let Rarity live through it. Yes, it would require at least the length of another small chapter, but it will also interest more readers. For example, you can start it as a pleasant show, everyone applauding Rarity, ending with the poor fashionista being slowly flooded by work. However, don't skim through it as fast as I just did. Give it time and care, play around with all the details.

Similar 'tender loving care' approachcan be applied to the rest of the story as well. Give more details to the customer's request. I doubt that if you were ordering a dress, you wouldn't mention anything about its decor, colour or material. That will give you more space for Rarity's work. Remember 'Art if the Dress'? So many details on her work. Why not show us something similar?

And of course, once her work is done, let her experience a tensed race against the time. Visions from her nightmare might haunt her. She is weaving her way through the crowd, her customer nowhere to be seen. She careful maneuvers the folded dress around, afraid that someone might do something to them. And so on.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck with your writing!