Whipped Cream
This chapter is worse than the last two. Not saying it's badly written, but there's more blood and other disgusting things like that. Have fun reading this. I have no shame whatsoever.
By other disgusting things, I mean it's got some descriptions of ponies eating without good table manners.
It was midnight.
Silver Shill was still awake.
He couldn't sleep for a second, due to the ringing in his bitten ear and his painful legs and back. He had tried various positions on the tattered armchair he called a bed, but found no way to sleep.
Something was off about the atmosphere. Something was missing. Looking around the room, the bespectacled pony searched for an answer to his problem. However, all was the same. The dusty journal was lying on the floor next to the worn quill, the cobwebs in the corner were all in place.
The supposed missing thing wasn't in this room. He had to go and search for an answer. He knew if he didn't find out what was wrong, it'd bug him all morning and he'd never be able to so much as shut his eyes.
Gently pushing open the door, the earth pony trotted silently down the corridor, cautiously peeking through every open door. One door was open just a tiny crack, whereas it was usually shut. He decided if anything was missing it would be from this room.
The word "private" was scratched into the heavy wooden door. Even he wasn't allowed in. It must have been a safe room, or something along those lines. Maybe somepony stole all of the bits? Surely they'd blame him if they noticed any were missing. Silver decided to be the hero, and inhaled deeply before making his way towards it.
The anxious pony clasped his teeth firmly around the gold-coloured handle. His mind filled with dread as he wondered if anything had been stolen.
The strong smell of sugar hit Silver Shill in the face as he pulled back the handle. The floor was a mess of crumbs, icing, and mashed up bits of cake. Hoofprints were clearly present in the mess of cake, and they lead up to the large table.
Sat at said table were the two unicorns he feared so much. Both of them were cramming large, messy chunks of cake and pie into their mouths, their faces adorned with sticky icing. Flim was drinking a thick chocolate milkshake, and half of it missed his mouth and dribbled down his chin like a small, chocolatey waterfall. Flam was levitating at least three slices of pie near his face, bringing one to his mouth and shoving it all in at once. Their chairs were pushed slightly away from the table to make room for their now even more enlarged stomachs.
Silver Shill was about to gasp at the somewhat horrifying sight, before he realised they didn't know he was there. He tried to remain silent and breathed deeply, knowing something terrible was bound to happen if he was caught. Realising his breaths were a little too loud, he simply stopped and stared at the twins. He was shaking with fear, and he had good reason to.
Finishing his third cream puff, Flim leant back on his chair in a similar way to his brother before grinning with satisfaction and using his magic to pick up yet another. Without hesitation, he put the entire thing into his mouth, cream oozing out of it and forming a white ring around his mouth. Licking it off, he used his magic to pass it to Flam, who soon picked it up and placed it on the table without so much as moving a muscle.
Thinking maybe the door was emblazoned with "private" for a good reason, Silver Shill was just about to turn and leave when an all-too familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.
"Why is HE here?"
I'm going to die. the earth pony thought. This is it.
"Were you..." Flim eyed him suspiciously from the table, still not pausing in his eating.
"Spying on us?" his brother finished.
Trying to remain calm, Silver shook his head.
That proved useless, as neither believed him. He was in deep trouble now.
"Come here." they said in unison.
Not daring to run - he was pretty sure they knew the teleportation spell - the earth pony could only follow the instructions he was given. He carefully made his way across the floor, hooves squelching in the sugary mixture.
"Ponies who spy on us," said Flim in a muffled tone due to the fact that his mouth was completely full,
"Are punished accordingly."
Silver Shill could do nothing. He just stood there, his eyes darting from one pony to another behind his thick, oversized glasses.
A green glow formed around Flam's horn. Expectant of the magic to pick him up, Silver braced himself. Surprisingly, this was not the case. Instead, a bottle of whipped cream levitated in front of him.
"W-what is that for?"
"This, my dear friend," Flam began with an evil smirk,
"Is your punishment."
Silver was confused at the least. Whipped cream was nice as far as he was concerned.
"I don't get it." he muttered, looking at his hooves.
"Nopony does."
"Let's just do it, shall we, brother?"
"Indeed we should."
Their horns flashed a light green and they disappeared for a few seconds. Suddenly, a pair of hooves grabbed Silver Shill from behind, pulling him downwards and twisting his back sharply. His hooves were pinned down by his sides, and expecting his head to smack into the floor was very surprised when it collided with something soft and warm. He realised he was lying on top of Flam. He kicked weakly with his back legs, before Flim appeared suddenly directly on top of him, pinning his struggling legs beneath his tremendous weight.
A teleportation spell. Of course.
"Prepare for your worst nightmare to come true!" the younger pony said. Magic removed his glasses and levitated the can of cream directly in front of the helpless white stallion. He screamed, thinking it was going to suffocate him, but it purposefully missed his mouth and eyes.
His vision blurred, Silver could only make out the faint outline of a grinning yellow unicorn.
"Excuse me, Silver Shill, but you have some food on your face."
"Wasting it would be a crying shame."
With that said, Flim shuffled upwards slightly and without warning, ate a bit of the cream directly off of Silver's face, not heeding his filthy coat. In doing so, his teeth caught on a particularly nasty cut and opened it, staining some of the cream nearby a deep pink. Flam, unable to reach the earth pony's head from his position - trying to reach him would have lead to the white pony being near suffocated - just picked up large globs of cream with his magic.
After about ten long, painful minutes, Silver's face was absolutely ravaged. Small bits of uneaten cream stuck to his face and his white fur was stained red with blood. Flim was still eagerly lapping up the cream, the final bit being taken between his teeth along with a large chunk of Silver's face. The earth pony cried out in pain, but the yellow unicorn seemed deaf to everything at that moment. He pulled backwards, a dreadful ripping sound making tears run steadily down what was left of Silver's cheeks.
Finally the teeth released their grip, a bloody and mauled chunk of flesh with a coating of cream disappearing down Flim's throat, never to be seen again. Gasping for breath, Silver had run out of tears to cry and could only make choking cries.
"What's the matter?" Flam mocked. The earth pony could only wish that he cared. He let go of the pained pony, allowing him to cover the gaping red hole with his hoof. His coarse coat was slick and red, but it somehow brought a tiny amount of comfort to him.
"What a silly pony, seeking attention like that. He's such a crybaby."
Accidentally proving Flim's point, Silver Shill rolled over and buried his bloodied face in Flam's soft, fuzzy fur. He was still sobbing.
"How pathetic."
Flim just nodded, both tired and pleasured from the excessive eating. He rolled over and sighed happily. His left hoof absent-mindedly rubbed his full, round stomach, smearing it with a dark pink mixture made up of cream and blood. An awkward silence soon arose, save from Silver's constant wailing.
Flam broke said silence.
"You know what, brother of mine?"
"What?" Flim asked, for once not knowing what his brother was going to say. As he wondered, he realised what his left hoof was doing and quickly dropped it back down on the floor. Flam laughed, having been watching the whole time. Flim blushed slightly.
"Just tell me." he said, shaking his head.
"I have a hankering for some red velvet cake."
"So do I!"
"Silver Shill!" they both shouted.
"I'm right here..." he wept.
"Go to Sugarcube Corner and buy lots of red velvet cake! Now!" Flam ordered, pushing the pony away. He could barely stand due to the unbearable pain everywhere. Before they could say anything else, he'd limped out the door.
Today there was no diary entry.
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Confession time: I actually thought the nozzle of that can was going to go where the sun don't shine. This was indeed worse.
This is interesting. Not sure if I like the idea of the twins getting so fat, or, well, Silver Shill being eaten alive, but this is at least very unique, and it's caught my attention. It's a real pity it doesn't have more comments, cause I'd love to see what other people think of it.
6880794 With regards to your confession, I need to find a GIF of them slowly backing away (from Leap of Faith) because that idea actually sounds kind of funny. Not that I'd write it of course.
And with regards to the comment itself, I agree that it needs more comments because it's so unusual and people react well to things that are unusual.
6881449
Like this?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/3/30/588725__safe_animated_screencap_hub+logo_carrot+top_golden+harvest_amethyst+star_sparkler_flim_flam.gif
So, you wouldn't write it? I find that strangely hilarious. People's limits when it comes to fiction are always interesting.
6886952 You actually found a gif of that? I tried to find one but couldn't.
And no, I wouldn't write that scene because for one I'm not sure how it would play out, and it seems to go against Flim and Flam's characters in this as far as I'm concerned.
Just read your self promotion, so I'll be rating the story, mate!
However, I've already seen a HUGE problemo.
1- Your Bio
2- Lack of a Picture (not mandatory)
When you write a bio, I'll be brutally honest, no one cares about personal details. This bio is pretty much a blog post about your opinions. So, instead of this, write a hook.
Something that'll make a possible reader have no choice but to read.
Pictures help a story a great deal. Look at it from a reader's perspective, do you usually read stories with no picture? Does the picture have an effect on your decision to read a story? And so on.
That's why authors usually commission pictures from neat artists all the time.
I suggest following this group. And this is a tidbit for making a better description.
Now to go on with readin' this thingy!
6861385
7007593 I have no idea what kind of picture to include, to be honest.
EDIT: bio changed.
7007767
Would you like for me to make you a picture then? 40.media.tumblr.com/9b9a4df890abc9a73a04a39dccaf1984/tumblr_o3op7ovlaf1uq2vuco1_1280.jpg
40.media.tumblr.com/d6286b7af3e252a07959f8f70a022f2b/tumblr_o3op7ovlaf1uq2vuco2_1280.jpg
^ just some samples of what I do
7007807 That's so kind of you! I was planning on drawing a cover myself but you draw much better than I do. I'd be really grateful if you could provide cover art, though!
7007956
Alrighty! I'm on it!
7008119
I'm gonna be brutally honest with you, darlin'. Why? It's for your own benefit, I assure you. It doesn't mean I don't respect you or anything like that, I think the world of you already, in fact that's exactly why I'm even bothering to help.
So when there's those new artists/writers/etc, they always ask for criticism.
What happeneds? People try avoid hurting feelings, and say "it's really great" or something along those lines. It doesn't help the artist whatsoever. In fact, it may even stunt their growth. Tough love, it's something extremely helpful if executed correctly.
I just hope you don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to help you as much as possibly.
You've been warned :V
So far I've only read chapters one and two. There's a couple major problems with them, in all honesty, it ruins the story completely. It's a shame too, cause there isn't many kidnapping stories here.
She* Shill plainly stated how it was a female.
But, Flam, she didn't say anything to you yet?
By God! He has a super ability to tell lies to the two best liars in Equestria, even though he's obviously nervous, it's amazing! Also I've noticed how the brothers are speaking in a really refined manner, why? That completely goes again their speech patterns and mannerisms. They're old timey themed swindlers.
Is this a Silver Shill torture porn? And Teary Dispair? Yikes, talk about depressing. Sounds like a failed Creepypasta. The title should act as a hook, everything you see before reading the story should be a hook. When you make a story, don't make your characters, well, out of character. I dislike that slack jawed twat as much as the next guy, but there also has to be some hope in a story like this.
And Applejack didn't notice a thing because: she's brain dead.
My dear Flim, could you not see the farm pony in front of you face? The mare you despise? If you're being sarcastic, at least make it obvious, you chubby bunny. This makes you look mentally challenged.
Why would he ever acknowledge that he's a slave? Are there other ponies that come around? Like those who enjoy using this meat sack like pony, it's the only way that this could be explained. In fact, it could very well be an interesting piece of info to add.
Well I'm gonna stop here! I'd like to say some things. This story could be utterly amazing IF executed just right. On YouTube, look up Kidnapping stories. Try Lazy Masquerade or Be Busta.
At one point, shill could even develop a bizarre form of Stockholm syndrome. That'd be interesting.
If you see an anorexic (or at least frail), crying, and bleeding man, would you think everything is okay? Applejack understands the obvious, so why is she reacting this way?
Characters need to be in character. Also, shill is a grown man, why has he obliged to do this? Earth ponies can easily take on unicorns, they're thicker and heavier. Unicorns on the other hard, especially these, are skinny and light. Not as skinny and pegasi though.
Make it realistic, this includes the emotion and the reactions. I sincerely hope this helps, you have a pretty good story idea and all that jazz. It'd be a shame if it turns out silly, I have much faith in you!
6861385
7008155
Also heyO.
7033072 Thanks a bunch for the art!
On to the comment. I laughed. A lot. Anyway, the first point.
[quoteShe* Shill plainly stated how it was a female.]He meant to let Shill in, but oh well. I guess you can read it like that.
She said she wanted to congratulate them, he was referring to that.
To be honest I think they knew she wasn't important the whole time. The speech patterns? Well, I know how they speak now, which is why I'm re-writing the fourth chapter.
You're not going to like chapter three.
That she is. Wow, I really should edit this.
He was trying to be sarcastic but this was the time when I could never be bothered to use italics.
Why would he mention that? Good question. And good idea. That will be a piece of info to add.
I really must remind myself what Stockholm syndrome is, I know what it is but I keep forgetting.
It's sort of been reversed. If Shill is now the light one and the twins are the heavy ones, it would be impossible for him to do anything to them.
That should cover it all. This might come off as sort of rude, but it's really difficult to sound nice when typing. I'm glad you were able to spot the errors and that you're the first person to do so!
7035948
Well, anyway, I can't wait to see where this story goes! Also, Stockhold syndrome is when a captive (of a kidnapping) becomes fond of their captor. This could happen through a variety of ways, it could even be self induced!
Example;
Captive is being groomed by their captor, and so they don't fall into a depression, they convince themselves that they enjoy being with their captor.
Or, they think their captor needs them.
7035982 I'm going with "they think their captor needs them" since that makes more sense.