• Member Since 12th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen September 14th

Maxzu Ronin


I BACK!!!

T
Source

Based on art by PhysicRodrigo
and jucamovi1992
Twilight returns to the human world to surprise her friends for the weekend, but things go from 0 to 100 with the quickness.

Note: This is not my art. I have notified the maker.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 5 )

Ummmmmmm. Oh boy. Clever idea, nice villains, and characters are basically on point.
Above all,it seems unique.

The problem comes from the slang, pacing, typos,referring to the Mane 6 as just that, and the cursing.
The villains cursing and speaking slang? Fine, don't know much about them.
Principal Cinch? Absolutely not. Her characteris far too stiff and snooty for that.
Sugar Coat's rant? Possible, but again, seems out of character. Especially the cursing.
After all, her character tended to speak in short, to the point, sentences.


My advice: go back and see how much of that is really needed. You have done things in here that don't belong, or make sense. Also Twilight is Twilight. Midnight Sparkle refers to her evil form. Sorry, but you're going to just have to have fun with having two Twilight's in your story. Then, go into more detail about settings and use your transitions. A lot of this is extremely sudden.

Comment posted by Maxzu Ronin deleted Jan 15th, 2016

6835845 got you gotta admit, the rant was funny.

Yea, don't start posting links to your story on random people's userpages. It's a sure way to get tons of downvotes on it.

Seems interesting so far, just a few typos. It's okay to use a little slang but make sure not to do too much that it doesn't fit with the character. If you need any help you can always ask me.:pinkiehappy:

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