• Member Since 19th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Apr 19th, 2020

Babs_Seed5


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After Diamond Tiara's redemption, everything was all sunshine and rainbows. Or so we thought. One Crusader just can't seem to let go of a scene that keeps replaying over and over in her mind.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

For a first story theres a lot to like here. Try cutting back on the monolougeing and dialing back some of the overwrought parts at the end, but you've got a nice little story here.

Okay, let me just say I love this story, and will almost certainly be reading it again. And again. Great work, my friend.
A few more things:

1. I would have called it 'Unforgiven'.

2.Even though there was no sign of Scoots harbouring any animosity towards Tiara in that Crusaders Of The Lost Mark episode, I can see why she'd would feel aggrieved about being teased about her disability just so DT could win a stupid competition, so this fic has firm foundations.

3. DT quick enough to keep up with Scoots? Damn, she must be more in shape than I thought...

4. Love the hint you gave that DT has as many tiara as Apple Bloom has bows! Bet they're all imitation jewels...

For a first fic on this site, this is very impressive indeed. I say you have more than earned yourself an up vote, and this story is going straight into my library. Have a nice day! :scootangel:

So this was a brilliant idea. You clearly have a good grasp of plotting a story. There were a few things I noticed that you will probably want to work on. First, the emotions in this escalate very quickly. DT suddenly yelling at Scoots and Scoots yelling back, and then the emotionally charged speeches were a bit over the top, especially when you're looking at two kids. I would have more back and forth between them, instead of having them patiently taking someone screaming in their face. Having them interject more and building up the anger slower allow for a less jarring emotional outbursts.

Other than that, though, the story was very solid. The pacing was good and the descriptions were just enough to see what was happening. And the ending was nice and left enough open for the story to continue if you ever wanted it to, while still tying up everything that the story had. For this to be your first story, you done an amazing job.

Right it the feels!!!!:pinkiesad2:

6822860 Thanks for all your kind words!

A nice story, but I would like to point out that friends do point out each other's flaws sometimes but that's only to be supportive. Sometimes a flaw is a problem that needs to be taken care of before it gets out of hand.

6822860
Well, those clothes and toys she probably buys don't carry themselves and her mother might consider exercise, which makes the body physically appealing, as an important part of social climbing.

Awesome, very nice for a first story.

I imagine Diamond Tiara had "At least she isn't stuck being stuck up like you." Playing in HER HEAD over and over too. The declaration by an outside source rather than her mother, that being a spoiled bully is all she could ever be!

Very nice story, but so short and fast. You could have dragged it out a little longer, by giving Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo more time to talk in the Everfree Forest.
The way you wrote it is fitting and works, with how fast Scootaloo had to make a decision before Diamond Tiara would fall to her death, but this whole long dialogue on Diamond Tiara's part could have been spread out by you over a longer conversation, in which Scootaloo participates too.
That would have made the moment a lot more intense.
For the end, there are a few things that I don't understand:

First, was Scootaloo flying at the end supposed to her having suddenly learned to fly in that stress situation, because she needed it, or did she just try to fly and hovered a little to save Diamond Tiara, like we saw her doing it numerous times already?
And why did they land in the hospital at the end? Scootaloo wasn't injured and neither seemed Diamond Tiara.
You also wrote Scootaloo a little bit OOC at the end, with her graciously accepting Diamond's tiara. We know that she isn't the type of filly to gladly wear such stuff, so there should have been a reaction by her that shows that she is not fond of wearing it, even though she accepts it as a gift.

It's a solid little story otherwise, and very good for your first one, the buildup at the beginning before they are in the Everfree Forest is very nice.
But the final confrontation could need some work and should be made longer.

“Archer, how about you?”

Very clever to bring Archer in here. :scootangel:

“The answer is 42, Miss Cheerilee.” Archer answered without missing a beat.

Archer clearly knows that she can never be wrong with this answer.

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