• Member Since 21st Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

milesprower06


Been writing fan fiction for most of my life. Brony since March 2011.

Sequels1

E

More than a year after their defeat at the Battle of the Bands, a siren returns to Canterlot High in hopes of regaining something she lost.

Cover image by: rileyav

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 30 )

Seems like a pretty cool set up for a longer story

6823097 Agreed. There needs to be more to this.

Ughhhhhhh, you irk me so. Writing such great setups for longer stories but stopping right at the peak of the unknown. Nonethless, you have my like and favorite. :ajsmug:

I liked this a lot but I feel like it needs more of something but I'm not sure what:trixieshiftright:
Maybe a sequel :derpytongue2: or an epilogue:applejackunsure:

This needs an sequel. Is a good story, but I feel there is more.

This is off to a very good start! But there are some things you could clear up.

Namely that you should specify who is saying what in most of your lines.

Actually, girls, something has come up."
"Hm? Another magic problem? What is it this time?" Applejack asked.
"Not exactly. I just want you guys to keep an open mind. Principal Celestia told me it would be fine, but it's ultimately up to us."
"So what is it? Spill the beans already."
"I think you should hear it from her instead."

We pretty much know who is saying what, but it would be good to be more specific more often.

Also, this line is a little awkward, unless you can make a change.

"We know who you are, siren." Rainbow said.

"We know who you are, siren." Rainbow said with contempt.

Italics for emphasis, and describing how exactly Rainbow said it make the line less awkward, and much cooler.

Wanderer D
Moderator

Aw, too bad it's marked as complete! I added it to my watch list the moment I approved it dude!

6824491 Wow, high praise.

Yes, these thousand words were strong, but I sincerely doubt I could carry that strength thousands more.

After reading this, I think you can make another chapter or two in this. See what you can come up with. I want to see how the Humane 6 react to what's going on now.

Even though I felt that this story should've add a chapter or two, this is still a nice story. :twilightsmile:

6824649 yes you can. You may not see it, but I see someone with a good understanding in the art of writing.

6824649 Reading this story reminds me of the begining of The Cupcake Chronicles. But in this case it's the story of Sonata and the Sirens finding thier voices again. This definately deserved more story to it for such a cliffhanger like beginning.

Perhaps you can try reading Of Rainbooms and Dazzlings by Jay The Brony for inspiration. That story gave some interesting conversations and backstory for The Sonic Rainbooms and Dazzling respectively. Interactions will definately need to be a key point for this story considering The Human Mane 6 are at odds with the sirens.

I'd also suggest that you can try having Sonata practice karaoke for improving her singing like how Rainbow tried swimming in Cupcake Chronicles.

Overall, this is your decision to whether to continue the story or not. Good Luck.

-MixMassBasher

Now I understand why many wish for you to continue this story. Excellent work here! :pinkiehappy:

Now THIS is the character development that I'd like to see with the Dazzlings.

Yeah.... I'm sorry Miles, but I gotta agree with everyone here. This SCREAMS continuation. I would love to see it continue.

I've thought about the sirens' ability to sing naturally and I figured that if they lost that natural ability, they could always learn it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this.

Anyway, this was a nice little ficlet. I know people are demanding for a bigger story, but dude, you do you. I'm a writer and I know the pressure of writing another fic whenever you feel as though you don't have anything to offer. While I would be interested to see where this goes, I like the story as is and you can add on to your own desires if you so wish.

I would love to see what happens next to favorite siren.

Using this as cover photo?

Definitely, DEFINITELY would love to see more to this story. Sequel, more chapters, I don't know and I would readily admit to not caring on how. I just love this story and the possible ways that it could continue.

Please continue with this. I would like to read more.

I'm going to go against the crowd and say that a sequel is not necessary, though I would also like one. This reads like a short skit, such as the prequel shorts to Friendship Games were short standalone stories, even though some may have warranted continuation. As a writer, I sometimes like to give readers details that I don't develop so that they can develop their own ideas.

This was rather a nice one-shot. :ajsmug::twilightsmile: It would have been even better if it had another chapter or two.

Loved it! Wished there was more now. But I suppose that's your decision. :twilightsheepish:

Let the teaching begin

Good approach, but you fumbled the landing. What you have here is the literary equivalent of trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Basically your choice of setup and conclusion are mutually incompatible.

You open with Sonata missing her voice and wanting to earn it back. She knows she's done wrong, but is willing to make herself vulnerable in order to reclaim something she loves. This goes well with either a cute short story of redemption where she is welcomed with compassionate arms and rewarded for her efforts, or with a somewhat longer tale of struggle and retribution in order to earn the love and respect of those she needs, and perhaps she learns a lesson or two along the way.

Your ending however, cuts off abruptly, just when she makes herself known, and before Amy sort of resolution can begin to build. This style of ending goes much better with internal conflict, where the protagonist has been avoiding a particular confrontation or issue. A notable example is Just Pull The Trigger by Wingless, where the point of the story was never about what came after the pull of the trigger, but whether or not Rarity would do it. In your case, perhaps open with Sonata very torn up inside, making excuses why she can't ask them, inventing reasons to run away. But her need draws her back, and forces her to face her fear - something that will be extremely difficult. Perhaps then after much emotional preparation, and a bit of support from Sunset, she finally says hello.

The two styles run very contrary to each other, as one deals with strictly internal conflict while the other is strictly external. If you want this story's ending to carry its full potential for emotional impact, you need a setup and conclusion that deal with the same conflict.

7891500 I made a multi-chapter sequel if that's any consolation.

7891724
It really doesn't matter to me. I'm just leaving a critique. It's your story. I just thought I'd try to help you make it better.

That's rough indeed.

I don't like Sonata or the other 2 Dazzlings, but this was really well done.

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