We all Know the story of the Two Sisters but do you know the story before the story actually began? This is the Story of an forgotten Prince Named Morningstar who's tale you will long so not forget,for he's the very reason that everything happened with Twilight and her friends played out the way they did but thats another story this is his story so you can better understand.
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"Needs more EDGE." 4.2/13 ~IGN
looks like people can't keep there hate to themselves,if it isn't constructive on how i can improve I will and can remove comments repeat offenders will be blocked for future stories.
You really need an editor.
6827062
Listen. I don't mean to be rude, but you did delete several comments. For future readers coming to read this story, they will see this as a bad sign. They will see you as a person who silences anyone who dares to comment anything negative about this story. That's what most will think.
Don't do this.
6827150 honestly I am not a bad guy I just don't tolerate comments that contribute to how it can be better.
Writing about your alicorn oc who id the brother to luna and celestia is pretty much textbook DONT DO THIS.
If you inist on doing this you need to slow down, explain what happend more and add in details cause right now you've only got a skeleton of a story.
Oh and this isn't a second person story and never use pony creator for cover art
6827212 haters going to hate, it makes no difference what i do.
6827235 if 22 out of 26 people who voted on this said it was bad, that's not haters, that's you have a bad story.
And if you can tell the difference between haters and people offering adivce, even if they're mean about it, you're gonna have a bad time.
6827253 and yet those who didn't offer any advice, and just out right that makes them haters.However There are some i would admit could offer decent advice,if only i knew how to. Thats why rely so heavily on comments on how i can make it slightly more readable.
Not so much on comments that offer nothing.
so only half of the 22 are just minorities
the other half that can actually help and not be assheats about it are more then welcomed to voice there opinions on how it can be better.
Can't be that bad, can it?
*Reads*
Eesh.
I'll echo what others have said: get an editor. Alicorn OCs are one of those subjects that, if you don't do it properly, you will be raked over the coals for it.
6827282 I gave him an decent background, what more do the readers want?
6827281
Having a basic understanding of how grammar works would also help.
6827166
I know you're not a bad guy, but deleting comments, regardless of the reason, is not a step in the right direction.
Pay attention to the others commenting here, try not to delete any more comments, and get help for your story. Editors, proof readers, critics, whatever. Or in this case, for your future stories so that they won't suffer the same fate.
6827281
Even if you think a comment is just "hating", you should still never delete it except in the most extreme examples. My advice is to suck it up and learn that when you write something people don't like, they're gonna tell you about it.
6827289
An character that actually has a personality, for example.
Hey, all I said is that this idea in particular is not even viable in an ironic sense: you're basically beating a pile of giblets that used to be a dead horse. Commenting on the originality of a story is still feedback, which I was doing, but you want something more tangible and straightforward? ALRIGHTY!
-Work on your grammatical skills: just from looking at the description I see missing punctuation and improper word usage, which will more likely than not turn off serious readers.
-Don't delete comments if you don't agree with them: people will assume the worst if they see an endless sea of "Deleted comment" indicators on your story.
-Don't use Pony Creator for your story artwork. Just...don't.
There. Don't delete this now! ;-P
6827289 This is not a decent background. It has been done before hundreds of times.
6827289
For starters, it isn't a decent background. It's been done to death but that alone wouldn't make it bad, the true issue is that there's nothing of substance here; going back to an idea which has been done many times is not on it's own a bad thing but if you're going to do it you NEED to add something more to it, which I'm sorry to say there really isn't in this story.
Everything about Morning Star from his name on downwards has been done before; his design is uninspired and classic "overly edgey OC" in look, Celestia and Luna having family members glued to them like pictures cut out of a newspaper is done haphazardly a lot in this fandom and simply put it takes a lot of careful time, planning and good writing to make a sibling of the two feel both like they belong in canon and to be a compelling character in their own right.
Morning Star is sadly neither.
In terms of "what more do readers want", a few things:
First of all, you have completely the wrong attitude. Now readers should not dictate everything you do, you're the one writing the story and that should be remembered, however you're publishing it with the obvious desire for people to read it and like it. This means taking what they say onboard with dignity and not lashing out at them because they didn't praise everything you did, if you're looking for nothing but praise I'm afraid writing is not for you.
Secondly, the story is very poorly worded. I don't just mean in choice of words themselves but the grammar is rather poor in several areas, punctuation is severely lacking a lot of the time and the story is so short and squashed into less than 2000 words that it feels like we're being bombarded with a paragraph from a story none of us actually know; just because YOU know the full story and character in your head doesn't mean we do, and because of the obvious lack of visuals in writing you need to be very wordy and descriptive since you can't use "show don't tell" quite as easily since there's nothing but words on the page for the viewers to look at.
Speaking of 'show don't tell', that's another issue, entire segments are summed up literally as 'this character did this'. That does not invest us at all; don't TELL us how the characters are feeling, let us see it through their dialogue and their actions. Telling the audience how a character is feeling, and how to feel about them, sucks your reader out of the story because it means they can't be allowed to just observe and make their own minds up about a character, which is fine for five or six year olds who won't think much deeper into the story than basic actions but for anyone else it's just not good enough.
As several have suggested, an editor would greatly help. While I'm not an editor myself, I would be happy to help you by pre-reading your stories and giving advice as long as you are willing to actually take it onboard and not reject it.
This story just seems to be a little too fast-paced, and the characters seem a little out-of-character. Also, the paragraphs' formatting could be a little better, by using indents on the beginning of the paragraph, and would make the text easier on the reader's eyes. However, the main character, Morningstar, is a textbook Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu. His color scheme is unrealistic for the show, and the fact he is an alicorn and the "lost brother" of Luna & Celestia makes him a bit cliche for Mary Sues. The dark backstory is also cliche. Overall, I originally thought this may be a troll story, but I read it and found it to be completely serious.
tl;dr:
Needs better formatting.
Main character is a cliche Mary Sue.
Hope this helps!
Oh look, more deleted comments! That can't have been you, could it? ;-P Remember, all comment deleting does is reaffirm people's negative expectations. If you don't like what people are saying, then either take steps towards rectifying the problem that caused the comments or just get a thick skin.
Oh good, we're going there.
Don't delete comments. It's most unbecoming.
6828764 As I said before if people don't have nothing to contribute to the story if there post are nothing filled with hate I can and will delete them take note i am keeping the comments that are slightly helpful even if they are negative but they also contribute to making the story better.
In some cases here it is good to the observe the golden rule, if you have nothing constructive to say then be silent.
It waste time for me to go through the people that are actually trying to help and it takes my time out for them to read the spiteful comments and it also hurts my readers if zero work is being done, so look at it from my point of view if nothing is getting done then we are going around in a crycle in which zero progress is being made if there is no progress then nothing is being done, if nothing is being done then more readers become effected, if its not for them any more then what else do I have left hmm? just an empty story with zero results being done.
time wasted answering this comment
12 hours and 35 minutes in which i could have made real progress.
6829310
Honestly, doing that will not work, deleting them making yourself look bad and being an Ass.
I suggest delete this story and try to make that doesn't involved some story about some Alicorn-OC-Mary-Sue-long-lost-brother because the Damage of your fic has been done. There's no way to fix it now.
Plz don't delete me, I'm being honest and giving you some suggestion.
6829310 ...Are you blaming your commentors for your lack of writing progress? Wow. Just wow.
Like I said, either figure out why you're getting negative comments or man up and ignore them. Don't delete comments and don't blame us for your lack of productivity.
I have an opinion about this story.
No, just no
im out
hilariousgifs.com/gifs/rocket-snail.gif
Holy shit, 50 dislikes!
Congrats dude. This story deserves everything it's gotten.
Listen darling, you're an author who could produce brilliant works of literary art, but an unbelievably short, 'special snowflake alicorn oc ' backstory that is trying so hard to be sad is just, well.... Do I need to explain myself? Suffice to say, while your story was not all that bad (in that it did not scar me for life *cough* hat fic *cough*), it could still use some improvement.
Some pointers that will help you, should you choose to write another story:
0) Everything mentioned in ObsidianPony's comment. I would reiterate what he/she said but really, he/she said it better than I could have.
1) Read more fics, even the poorly rated ones. Hell, make it a point to struggle through the substandard ones you find, in order to gain a better understanding of acceptable writing! A good place to start is the story Scootaloo's special friend, notorious for it's crappiness, and take a look around in the Nonpareil Fiction group or even my Best of the Best bookshelf for good stories! Other ways to flesh out your knowledge include reading writing guides (Ezn's guide to writing fanfiction is an excellent example), and joining groups dedicated to perfecting the noble art of pony fanfics. Some good groups are Looking For Editors, Authors Helping Authors, Rage Reviews!, Feedback, Story Standards and The Writer's Group. You wouldn't dream of performing cardiac surgery without knowing how the heart operates (pixie dust, right?), and while writing amateur ponyfics is not quite in the same league as slicing into someone's vital organs, the basic principle behind the comparison is still LEARN ABOUT THE THING YOU'RE DOING, BECAUSE CHANCES ARE, THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN YOU THOUGHT.
2) Another aspect is the way the story handles tragic events, in that the story all but screams 'This is a sad thing, and the reader will cry because IT'S SAD GODDAMNIT.' Trying to make the story heart-wrenching and the characters sympathetic by shoving TRAGEDY AFTER TRAGEDY down their throat, especially when the SAD THINGS are barely touched on for longer than a paragraph at most, does not work. Please, for the love of all that is good in Equestria (read: all of it), if you are going to give your OC a tragic past, than FLESH IT OUT. Make the readers live through it, second by second, detail by excruciating detail, lovingly illustrating every twist of the gut, every tear, every pang of sadness and ache of loneliness. That way, your readers will understand what the character went through, will have lived through everything and will be more sympathetic towards your character.
3) I know this is petty, and more a matter of personal taste, but did you HAVE to go down the 'Celestia is an asshole and Luna is perfection incarnate' path? I would have been SO much more lenient if it weren't for YET ANOTHER rendition of that godawful trope. Celestia is the most forgiving character in the series, the pony who set up a school to teach young ponies and personally tutors them despite also running a large kingdom, and I'm supposed to believe she hated her younger brother for NO REASON AT ALL? If you're going to make Celestia an asshole, than EXPLAIN THE ASSHOLERY TO ME. JUST OUT-AND-OUT SAYING 'YOU KNOW THAT KIND, SWEET, MOTHERLY PONY? WELL, SHE'S AN IRREDEEMABLE ASSHOLE NOW. GET USED TO IT' IS NOT GOING TO WORK. Explain why she hates her brother, other than 'It makes Luna look good and my self-insert alicorn OC "sympathetic"!' Oh, and that's another thing! Making Celestia look bad is really only a method people use to suck up to Luna even more than they already do, and your story, which was pretty detail-light, was unable to hide this. Yeah, you can be a fan of Luna, no Celestia doesn't have to be your favourite character of all time, but would it KILL you to at least TRY and hide the fact that a major section of your twenty-second plot was directly from your obsession with Luna?
I am sorry if this sounds unnecessarily harsh, but I am sure you are capable of doing so much better than this (and I have a lot of pent-up anger towards Celestia's usual fandom portrayal, especially in regards to Luna). Please, take a second out of your day to visit some of these links, especially Ezn's writing guide, and have a wonderful day!
Oh, and please do not delete this comment. You would not believe how many times I've rewritten this thing! I swear to Celestia...
6829310
Christ, mate, put down the shovel. The rabbit hole is deep enough as is.
I've read it for myself. No one likes alicorn OC's. It's a good story but... You should work on your writing. We all have a style of writing, and your's needs more punctuation and maybe develop a larger vocabulary? Try describing the surroundings and details a tad more as well. it all needs to be balanced. c:
6829702 And that opinion is?
6829310
To be fair, I'd fucking love to get these comments if I were to produce a story of this 'quality'.
That comment graveyard, though.
6830492
I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to say...
11/10 Best Story needs more humans
11/10 best story needs more humans
8/10 needs to be longer, a most have prequel and sequel