I am a currently 16 year old cynic who used to love the show and is still on this site for some reason. Once in a blue moon I actually write something.
When Twilight begins experimenting with dimensional theory and spells based on those theories, a human teenager by the name of Braxton Senson is pulled into the world he has only seen through the screen of his computer. His appearance awakens an evil older than the princesses themselves, and he must fight to save the world he has put into danger.
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fluttershy is best pony you dumb****
Being stupid above this line (even though she is)
Being serious after this line.
Good start, only slight grammar mistakes and the rare misspace (where you hit the space bar at the wrong time)
has the previous coment said, self inserts usually aren't apreciated, you'll have to work really hard on the plot, characters and everything to get a good story.
Until now it's entertaining and I had a few laughs so you get this:
MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
Good story so far. But, even though I understand that the kid is thirteen, and
i, by fact, am an anomaly in the teenage status quo, I think he uses the word 'adorable' too often. I'm 13, but I cant really comprehend the workings of it, because I jumped straight from ten to about eighteen. Or at least that is how my psychologists explained it. If that is how they describe everything at that age, fine, but I would suggest an alternative synonym for adorable. I mean srsly.
TL:DR version-find a new word for adorable
This was kinda funny to be honest. But there are quite a few spelling errors that you might wanna fix.
want moar
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
decent story, i think you portrayed fairly well how most people would react to Twilight telling them they were going to sleep with her,
but, i have to say, there are a few spelling and grammer mistakes, along with capitalization. names and places bro, names and places. if you can work on those things, i have a feeling this will turn into a great story, keep it up
38213 Alright, I'll stop RP-ing in the comments. I do plan on having an actual story, but first I had to set up where it all begins. I understand that self inserts can be done very, VERY wrong if the writer has the wrong mindset. I don't plan on making this something that portrays me as awesome, because quite frankly I am nerdy as hell. Anyways, thanks for the feedback!
38231 I think about halfway through, I realized myself that I was using adorable way too much. I'll try to work on that. Like 'cute' or 'huggable'. Perhaps even 'so mind numbingly cuddly that you turn into zombie and eat essperages'.
38220 I don't know why, but at least twice every para graph I will hit the space bar too early. It frustrates me to no end.
38303 I try to capitalize all the names and such, though I guess a few slip through my editing eyes. I really need to more throughly proof-read my stuff.
38303
,good story by the way!
Grammar*, capitalize your "i"'s, and there is a "Run-On" sentence.
P.S. NEVER FORGET YOUR PERIOD!!!!!
Don't correct errors if your response isn't punctually and grammatically correct.
Pinkie Pie willl make cupcakes out of you if you dont love her
Also Twilight Sparkle is the best.... oh god... no... Pinkie NOOOOOOOOOO.........
39105 Cupcakes was an awesome fan fiction! I'm thirteen, and I didn't get sqee-mish at all! yet somehow people much older than me do... weird.
HehehhahaHAHAHAHAHABWAHAHAHAHAH!
this is gold keep it up
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
41695 You say that for everything, so I have no idea if you actually want to read more.
41608 Thanks! I have no intention of ending this fan fiction, and I am personally enjoying writing it quite thoroughly.
This is comedy gold, brosif
Hey, wait, I recognize that high and squeaky voice. Thank you for making your entrance as flashy and violent as one would expect, Rainbow Dash. It's really appreciated. Especially by my gut. He just loved it.
^ that right there was genius.
41833 I quite liked that line as well :P
The best part about this story is that the humor is rolling off of my tongue with extreme ease. This kind of random is what I excel at and think with all the time, so I really appreciate that you guys think its funny. Anyways, its kind of late, but happy Thanksgiving!
Already halfway through chapter three! be prepared to be faced with *gasp* reading! Movement! And TALKING!!
42115
GET IT DONE NOW. AND TWICE AS LONG.
MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
42136 Ha, Its still going to be around 3000 words. i am a really slow writer, since I edit as I go and STILL manage to have many mistakes for after, so it takes really long. Either way, the chapter might be done tonight, though I post during the mid-day, so as to catch the most people online.
Question: shoul I write an alternate version of the season two pilot, which would be much darker and more serious? Do you think I have the talent for it?
[img]tumblr_lrd1mkXz761r2um99o1_500.gif[/img]
The end is nigh.
43671
Crap, that didn't work.
Hay guess what?
MOAR-that's what.
43676 Moar what, got it.
43672
<----------
Was this what you were looking for?
43717 yay for Luna Game!
MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Alright, keep the monologues towards the audience in a controlled manner, it's key to tell a story with some of your opinions dipped in, not slathered all over us
and NEVER, ever, EVER put EMOTES into a literary work. seriously. NO. That's a big NO NO. ( :) >:) :( :* <~ these)i cannot take a written work seriously when you stick EMOTES into a story. you don't put them in essays when you give them to your teachers! DONT DO IT HERE!!! Anyway, good chapter, glad to see some improvement 
43884
Pinkie Pie is best pony? Silly, that's not how you spell Rainbow Dash.
43917 Everyone can Have their own opinions. For me, churro pony is best pony.
43884 Pfff, you werer taking this seriously? Poor misguided soul...
You always get a seviere diabetic reaction to ponies. I mean 'jizz' calm ze fawk dawn. You're humor iz gud 4 me.
44372 I guess I should use another joke than diabetes. Anyways, thanks for the fedeback!
you are pinkie pie
46017
Oh sugar sticks, I've been found out! *dives through a window*
Hah lol, too many internet memes and medleys! Laughed my ass off on this chapter!
MORE
DAMMIT
MAKE MORE
RIGHT FUCKING NOW
THIS STORY GIVES ME AN AWESOME-GASM
46057 You ponies are too kind. :P
I did not expect this to go anywhere. But everyone keeps saying that it is amazing. Thus, I have decided to do something. Something that I'm certain many of you think is a good idea, though I did it mostly for teh lawls. I have sent this... TO EQUESTRIA DAILY!
*thunder crackle*
Same as the rest of the comments pretty much. Please, please, please revise your work, even if through a Word document program. If you do this I'm sure the story will run a lot more smoother and the jokes that much better.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar freak.... 
46206 The grammar is because this is my thoughts, which aren't always going to be in perfect English, though mostly because I don't have perfect grammar. Also, the chapters past numero uno are better edited and proofread, so they have better spelling and maybe a little better grammar. Anyways, glad you like it, and I can't wait to get my pony shirt for Christmas, and then strut about like a turkey with it on. And get many glorious strange looks!
Everything floats down here.
Yes! Love this chapter!
*pokes Braxston* I know why you keep mentioning Cupcakes. It's because you secretly want to tell Pinkie Pie all about it and see if it's true. I mean who wouldn't. 
46267 Um, I wasn't going to do that, but now I have to. All I want you to know, is that YOU MADE ME DO THIS! PIZZA ISN'T FOR BREAKFAST!
46264 I have never heard that expression before, does it mean 'stuff gets good' or 'stuff gets bad'? I don't know!
I laughed outloud in this chapter. You're jokes are amazing, especially the one that he has only heard Applejack talk in an accent. Comedy with ponies is priceless.
I'm waiting for the moment when he doesn't feign ignorance and actually explains everything out in spite to freak them all out. Yeah that's right no pitchforks now, but just wait, ya'll get them as soon as someone spouts every line by heart.
46275
It had to be said. XD
46214 Your getting a pony shirt too? Yes! *brohoof*
46306 Why on Celestia's beard would I not get a pony T-shirt? The fact that only one of my friends who knows about bronies is a brony makes it even better, since they will be scared of my friendship. I feel like putting an image here, so why not. Totally related.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/332/2/d/taste_some_chaos_by_spiritto_by_evilsugar-d4hl621.png
46373 Completely related.
I've got several friends that have admitted to their bronyness. One even is obsessed with Pinkie, the other with Big Mac. Yeah, not to mention they love Dr. Who so... XD