• Member Since 2nd Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen Dec 6th, 2017

Fateful Pony

"Perfection is impossible, yet striving for it is possible."



Los Pegasus, a city bustling with celebrities, amazing mares, and expensive goods, is all but accessible to Derpibra's family. A quick glimpse into his childhood is enough to tell any outsider that he had a rough start.

In the middle of his parents' arguements and issues, it seems he is forced to live with the dilemmas.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

You've made a good number of improvements from the last story. You've presented a difficult life and a difficult choice for your main character--even though he lives fairly well off, there's still conflict here, financially and domestically. Very nice.

You still have a few grammar and punctuation problems, but spelling has improved as well. My only other complaint here is that this chapter feels rushed. I feel like it should take its time, build up the world its establishing, and build up the lives of Derpibra and his family. We see the parents, but we only see the brother fleetingly, and we don't see the sister at all (I believe he mentioned having two siblings?). Setting up the conflict is good, but the events leading up to it are very interesting, and deserve fleshing out.

Overall, a significant improvement from your last story. I'm proud to be the first to comment on it.

6821251 A breath of fresh air for me! :twilightsmile: I'm glad to see that I managed to improve a lot! For a second I thought it was hopeless! :fluttershyouch: I'm glad to see I'm capable of contributing to my most favorite site on the interwebs with a certain degree of success. I suppose the chapter could have been longer, but I tried to focus on a single idea, just to avoid going anywhere irrelevant. Thanks for the review! Now I feel more confident for my next story! :raritywink:

Huh... Can't say I hated it, but yeah, it felt rushed ad you tense threw me off... By chance you'd be up to a writting challenge? Something simple and straightforward to try writting.

6829973 A writing challenge eh? I was writing my (Hopefully better and not so rushed) sequel. But, I'll see what I can do. What's the challenge?:fluttershyouch:

6830097 well, the idea is first, you tell me who your charcter is, if you can't chose, let's say spike and rarity. Now, I give you a commonly done story, but that's the idea, you can take lots of inspiration from others works.
Now, asumeing you want to go with, I'll say:
Write me a story, about Spike being turned down by Rairty. Maybe Rairty has seconds thought after she shoots him down, maybe he find comfort with twilight, or maybe it's about him bonding with somepony else (my fav backup choice for spike is sweetie belle)
HoWEVER, the story, for you, must be at least... 4000 words.
Sometimes it's 5000-8000, but I think 4000 is a good aim for you. It can (and I'd be happy to see) more than this, but the story must 4001 words

6830316 If that's the case, then you'll be pleased with my sequel (I hope) because that's the exact plotline it will follow, and it's gonna be... a spectacle. Like I said in my blog post, the sequel will be submitted by tonight or tomorrow evening.

6831135 huh, alright, though, I'd still recomed you try my challenge, on some other charter first for some practice... Now tell me, who is your fav charcter, and what is your favorite story type

6831286 It's tough because I love all of the characters from the show and I like pretty much all types of stories. Hm... let me think...

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