• Published 21st Jul 2012
  • 5,995 Views, 151 Comments

The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk! - PonyManne215



Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

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And Sandvich Makes It All Complete!

“But I-”

“No.”

“It was-”

“No.”

“I was just-”

“No.”

“But lass, I was really just trying to-”

“NO.” Berry Punch shouted as Demoman cringed in fear. Her pupils had enlarged to the size of the moon, and she was literally fuming out of the ears. The Scottish explosives expert had no idea how bossy this mare could be. “You destroyed perfectly good melons. Then you went and threw Colgate into a window. AND THEN, you went and peed all over the water fountain in the middle of town. Really, what the hay was going on in your mind?! Do you know how embarrassing it was to get all of those stares?! Do you?!”

“...I..hm..” Demoman pondered a reasonable excuse as to why he did do all of those things. “Aha! I wanted freedom,” He closed his eyes and nodded his head as his arms folded across each other. This would definitely get him out of trouble.

“Freedom from what?” How Berry worded it, it sounded more like a statement than a question.

“Uh...I haven’t thought aboot that. From....the tyranny of melonkind?” He shrugged.

“And what about everything else?” She was not amused.

“That pony was lookin’ at me funny. Every nerve in me body just told me to throw her into that expensive vase shop! She was just prancin’ aboot with her head full of eyeballs. And lass, those were BIG eyeballs.” He explained.

“Demo...” Berry began.

“Me friends call me Tavish!” He pointed out.

“Demo...” She wasn’t his friend. “You're going to clean Opalescence for a week!” The mare was on the brink of a meltdown.

“Eh, that’s no problem! I’ve held multiple jobs before!” Demoman was now full of vigor. But he had no idea how much trouble he was in for.

“And you are giving me all of your weapons. And you are going to scrub the fountain clean. And you are going to fix everything in this entire town.”

“But I-”

“The only butt there’s going to be is yours after I kick it for being so stupid!”

“Ya know,” Demoman went up to Berry Punch and wrapped his left arm on her. “If ye were human, ye’d be the perfect lass to bring home to me mother. So feisty and commanding. I like it!” Demoman could picture it now....well sort of. He could see himself, along with his teammates, his mother, and a few friends all gathered in a church. And down the aisle, a bride with violet or raspberry colored hair would came walking down, a white veil covering her face. And when she got up to the altar, surrounded by Archimedes and a few other doves, she’d pull up the veil and kiss him with her.....Horse face?

Tavish DeGroot snapped out of his daze. That was ridiculously weird for him. He looked down at his friend, well he thought they were friends, and received a hoof to the face in response. “Demo, you are by far, the UGLIEST human I’ve ever seen. Not to mention disgusting! That Scout guy seems better than you!”

Demoman fell to the ground, not from the child-powered punch, but by the harsh words that he got about him. A man doesn’t cry over things. Especially Australians! Why once, a shark ate an Australian child’s arm off, and what did the child do in return? He punched the shark with his remaining hand and laughed at the sea creature for its pathetic attempt at taking the kid’s life. And that’s why Australians are the bomb! Wait...Demoman’s Scottish. FUUUUUU-

Berry Punch narrowed her eyes at the distraught RED mercenary. "What is it this time?"

"Me heart..."

"Oh it's not like you've never been rejected, everypony does." She started trotting away.

"Me heart...." Demoman repeated.

"The other's are waiting! Come on!" Berry came back and just as before, she used her somewhat veritable strength to push the human who was clutching at where his heart supposedly was.

"Me heart...."

"I can't move you be myself! It'd be way easier if you got up off your flanks, sucked it up, and-"

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!"

"Wha?" She looked down at the hunched over man and started backpedaling in fear as she saw the pained look in Demoman's eye. He was trying his hardest not to move, and she had been berating him and paying no mind to his health.

What would she do? What could she do? She was never in this type of situation before! Maybe she could run! No wait....then he'd die. That wouldn't be good, Berry Punch being responsible for the death of an alien and all because her eyes were becoming larger and her pupils were shrinking and expanding. She had to do something, anything!

"I can do this! I'll save you!" Berry Punch ran over to Demoman's body, which by now had sprawled across the ground, and repeatedly punched his chest in hopes of performing CPR. But wait.....she didn't know how to perform the maneuver.

"Argh! Lass! Stop!" A pained and seriously dying Scotsman pleaded as the raspberry mare was trying to break his ribcage.

"I can do it! Don't worry!" She said as she put all of her power into her forehooves. "Don't worry," She huffed for some air. "I got," She huffed again. "It!"

"....What are you doing?"

"Huh?" Berry craned her neck to the right to see a white coated mare with a cross Cutie Mark staring at the somewhat amusing yet life-threatening spectacle.

"You're doing it wrong, move aside please." Nurse Redheart took over, controlling the situation and conducting the correct form of procedure. The procedure will not be expressed in detail as an otherworldly being sat at a chair, unsure of how said procedure underwent as he wrote at his writing device.

After a few moments of life-saving, Demoman's life was saved. Nurse Redheart had saved his life! And the Scotsman was forever grateful.

"Thank ya, missy!"

"I have to admit, I've never seen anything like you before, and I was honestly guessing on your anatomy. Can I ask that you come in so I can take some observations?" The white mare had seen plenty of exotic races, so she learned to withhold her excitement over meeting new ones.

"Eh...I don't trust doctors except the German one, and I barely trust him. But ye did save me life....yes! Later!"

"See you then!" Nurse Redheart said as she trotted back towards the hospital. And she wasn't lying when she guessed, she was actually about to just call it a lost cause.

"Okay lass, ready to meet the boyos in the place with the thing?"

Berry Punch was both happy.....and annoyed. Demoman was more trouble than she thought he'd be. But she did have to admit to herself that had he died, she'd be sad. Anypony would. Besides, Demoman had a sort of friendly, yet troubled feel to him. It reminded her of family. Putting aside her anger, she said through gritted teeth, "Fine. Let's go."

"Alrighty," He took his Eyelander back in hand, his eye glowing as he opened his mouth to shout. "FREEDO-"

"No."

"Aww...."


"Argh....bloody hell, this isn't gonna feel good tomorrow." Sniper said to himself as he propped himself against a wall whilst rubbing his face. Getting punched in the face by a muscular Russian was not something anyone would like to do at all.

He picked up his hat, the Trophy Belt, and adjusted it on his head. And he had to say, today was just a load of fruit. And the Australian hated fruit, especially fruit shop owners. He looked to see where he was, slightly remembering why he was hit. "Something about...the bloke's....Sandvich..."

Sniper contemplated for a few moments the exact magnitude of said travesty. What could be possibly wrong about his Sandvich that would enrage him. It was just food, with ordinary things like lettuce, tomatoes, bologna, cheese...meat. Meat.

"Meat....AWW PISS!" Sniper dashed like a Dashin' Hashashin Assassin towards Sugar Cube Corner. But as he ran, something caught his eye. Something was spread around erratically on the ground, presumably what used to be dresses. But...it wasn't that. There was something else......a hat!

"Yeaheheheh, jolly good on me!" Sniper leaped in joy and clicked his heels as he placed the Modest Pile of Hat on his head. How could he get any luckier? Oh wait, he could! Because right next to the grey bowler hat was a black stove hat, and he did not delay in placing the tall black hat on top of his current one.

A Noble Amassment of Hats! This was great! There was no way-

"Bloody hell.....God save the queen..." Sniper took off his glasses, sniffled, and gulped. A lone tear dribbled down his face as a holy, bright light enshrouded him and an object (Play until scene change) before him.

Sniper took the final hat, the most holy of holy assortments, and placed it on his two hats. If Sniper were to die now, he'd die a happy man.

"Hats."


Sugar Cube Corner, the place where much of the action was going on. Hatless, explosionless action...okay, it wasn't action. Nothing is action without hats or explosions. It was more of an......impasse. Heavy stood on one side of the confectionery room, his nostrils flaring with Steam. The other side consisted of the ponies, Pyro, Scout, and an unconscious Spy, who had not been taken out by the brutish Russian, but the apple farmer!


The ponies, Fluttershy and a very babbling and disturbed Applejack (who was in the fetal position and muttering to herself over the hat murder from earlier), all got into their "battle positions". Pinkie and Bon-Bon grabbed Twilight and Lyra, respectively, and aimed their unicorn friends like weapons towards the hulking gorilla that was Heavy Weapons Guy. Scout had a jar of milk, which he had stolen from the fridge and when Rainbow Dash tried to stop him, he threw a baseball at her. Pyro was simply dumbfounded, poking at Spy's unconscious body.

Octavia had...well, pies! And she was ready to throw them at the costs of her weeks pay for wasting the food. And Heavy? What did he have? His Fists. And that was all he needed. He had earned many kills with those alone, in fact, Saxton Hale had even given him black leather gloves that recorded the number of kills just the other week. And his Fists were deadly.

He eyed each of them, all sneering and ready for the biggest fight of their lives. He took his right hand and placed it by his hip. He shook it, almost readying himself. And then, he raised his hand and said, "POW! HAHA!"

Scout's Mad Milk exploded and the dairy had spilled all over the group of defenders. Twilight, Pinkie, Lyra, and Bon-Bon were launched backwards until they smashed into a conveniently placed drywall. Octavia's pies turned to water, which was seriously impossible. But what was the weirdest of all? The Sandvich flew into the air and floated towards Heavy Weapons Guy like a possessed object.

Fluttershy and Applejack were currently the only ones still in this, excluding Pyro because he was poking Spy, and they had to take action. Fluttershy pulled at a chair, unsuccessfully lifting it until her friend helped her, and they tossed it towards Heavy.

"Take that!"

The chair was broken into pieces. And he grinned, waiting for their next futile attempt. This time, the two mares threw a table.

"And this!"

It didn't seem to work, either, as the table was reduced to wooden shreds. They only had one last resort. And it was definitely not going to work.

Applejack went up to Heavy........and hugged him. "Stop?"

Heavy's big, baboon (His heart was destroyed in an attempt to merge it with an Ubercharge module, so Medic replaced it with that of a baboon's) heart helped him to realize what he was doing. He wasn't like this. He was a nice guy, with nice hats, and a nice Sandvich. He should just- Wait a minute, they took his Sandvich!

"And this!" Heavy tossed Applejack into the giant cake batter mixer, in which she was spun around in endless circles.

Fluttershy squeaked as she came to the epiphany that she was the only one who could save the day. But all of Ponyville was counting on her, and she wasn't going to let it down!

"Please?" Fluttershy asked.

"Okay." Heavy sat down and took his Sandvich and hugged it. "Kiss me." As Heavy pressed his lips against the bread, a shifting noise came, followed by a crack. Heavy looked to see that it was Spy's dead body. His eyes ripped his eyelids apart, figuratively, as he instantly turned towards the door. The Sandvich was still floating. But then, a blue haze surrounded the lunch and Spy emerged from the previous stealth.

"No more for you, fat man!" Spy walked for the door, Heavy Weapons Guy taking out his Buffalo Steak and preparing to throw it as a weapon, when the door flew open and a blinding light came.

All heads turned towards the door, praising in awe of the sight that was mystifying and beautiful. Heavy's anger and Spy's current plan were abandoned upon seeing such beautiful magnificence.

"Magnificent!" Spy exclaimed.

"Is pretty!" Heavy proclaimed.

"Mates, allow me to introduce you all to my Towering Pillar of Hats." Sniper curtsied in lieu of his headwear's high esteemed respect, and grinned pridefully towards everyone.

"That...is.....are you all seein' what I'm seein'?" Scout asked, bamboozled at this predicament.

"Huddah...." Pyro praised.

Sniper walked into the store, receiving jealous glances from the other mercenaries, while unimpressed ones from the ponies.

"I don't get it." Twilight said.

"Yeah..." the others agreed.

Sniper wanted to say something, most likely an insult about them being fruit shop owners, when all of a sudden, the Sandvich floated into the air, this time unaided by the Frenchman as he was busy being devastated by the Towering Pile of Hats' significance.

As the Sandvich got closer to the Australian, Sniper's hat floated also, then a magical blue and red beam was emitted from the Sandvich, taking the Towering Pile of Hats in its hold, and then placing it back onto Sniper's head. When it was finished and dropped to the ground, everyone and everypony was left in stunned awe.

"This did not just happ-" Scout was interrupted as a Towering Pile of Hats popped out of thin air and was on the Boston Runner's head.

Before the others could comment, every other mercenary got their own Towering Pile of Hats as well. And this event, albeit extremely mysterious, was so captivating that Heavy had forgiven all of them in his heart. In fact, there was only one way of expressing this new found joy.


And a song to boot!


"My little Sandvich...." Heavy sang as he picked up Sandvich. "My little Sandvich..."

"Aww yeah!" Scout and the others responded in a similar tune.

"My little Sandvich. I used to wonder what Sandvich could be...until puny baby men shared dispenser with me." Heavy began.

"Bashing heads in," Scout added.

"Tons of guns!" Sniper said.

"A beautiful suit," Spy quipped.

"Huh huddah huh!"

Demoman jumped through the window (Which will happen very often later), with his Unusual Prince Crown atop a Towering Pile of Hats.

"Sharing headgea-glug-glug." He said while drinking a bottle of Scrumpy.

"Is easy feat! And Sandvich makes it all complete! You have,"

"MY LITTLE SANDVICH!!!!" All of the REDs and BLUs sang in harmony while embracing in a circle of manly hugging.

"Did you know that you are Heavy's very best friend?!" Heavy shouted.

All of the fully grown, hat wearing, somewhat mentally unstable, killers all sniffed. And they all shed a few manly tears. (Including Pyro, who had somehow managed to make a few tears come out of his Optical Lids, more likely from the fact that the fire sprinkler above him had gone off)

They all looked at each other and smiled.









"You guys are bucking stupid!" Derpy insulted as she went over to grab some juice from the counter. She somehow picked up the cup with her hooves, and she drank.




"PPPFFFTTTTT! SNIPER!!"

"My bad, Sheila."

Comments ( 23 )

I cry every time:pinkiesad2:

Th-the Fists?!! You sneaky bastard! You are rubbing it in my face! I am going to take those Fists and-

:twilightangry2::twilightangry2::flutterrage:

I think this is possible more random than half the TF2 shit there is out there.

Shouldn't have Berry Punch's pupils gotten smaller the angrier she was? Sounds like she's an alien.

SHE DRANK MORE PISS.... BWAHAHAHHA.

Pokemon the ponies the draconequus and the power of one coming soon

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name:yuri comet kyouhei
age 10 sex M
hair brown eyes brown

a towering pillar of hats for everyone?!?!?
truly this is the greatest day of all days:pinkiegasp:

why do they like hats so much. I don't get it:rainbowhuh:

1249913
It's a cosmetic thing, based on your type of TF2 player. For my pre-reader and about 75% of the viewership, hats aren't much to fawn over. But I know for a fact that Ragemoar and I are much like this over hats. You should ask my TF2 trader, I ask him to get me hats everyday. They're just so....beautiful.

dear whats-your-name WILL YOU CREATE 3 Crossovers with pokemon,call of duty,team fortres.2 and my little pony ill explain to ya when twilight tries to escape fromthe mares from convincing her for two tickets at the gala she teleported same way as silver's alakazam,tank dempsey teleporter and engies tele causing a chain reaction sending three of them to equestria take place in season 1 to season 2 and i want discord died in an epic death battle but the main characters remain alive ok deal my offer please i like four them combined with reactions ans question from them please i beg of you if like to see my comment :pinkiehappy:

1249913 maybe because it makes them look cool and easily reconise their domination imbecile or dummkpfs

SO NOW they are friends?! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Badflank theme baby!

This chapter reminds me of that genuine I gave you!

Wait,everyone got Towering Pillars of Hat?
...
ERMAHGURD QUADRUPLE PILLARS OF HAT FOR DEMOMAN
EFFECT : SUNBEAM :pinkiehappy:

1249913 Hats = better funding to Mann Co. = Better funding to the mercs, allowing their lives to be more enjoyable.

Hats = Happiness

... You lost me. Too random...

SNIPER STOP LEAVING YOUR JARATE WHERE DERPY CAN DRINK IT!

3729827

Jack Blank? I'll have to do some Google-Fu on that in a minute, because I have no idea about what you're referring about. I chose "Lorem Ipsum" because new fonts are always showcased using "Lorem Ipsum" text.

Here is a site that can give you a better explanation than I: LINK

If this wasn't over a year overdue for an update I might have started reading it.

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