• Published 21st Jul 2012
  • 5,995 Views, 151 Comments

The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk! - PonyManne215

Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

  • ...

Little Ponies Are Friends!

“Sooo boooorrreed.” Berry Punch dragged on as she lounged around in her house.

Contrary to popular belief from the others, Berry Punch had nothing to do with alcohol or wine. In fact, she never touched a single bottle her entire life. She did, however, pick berries to make wholesome fruit juice! But again, she peddled nothing that was harmful to one’s nervous system. That was something in the past, something that her family did, not her. It was the Punch tradition that all descendants take up a career in bar tending, winemaking, or beer selling. But Berry wanted nothing to do with that after seeing what it did to ponies.

And besides, she lived a pretty solitary life. Being a child surrounded by alcohol, Berry Punch always saw the worst in people. And when she was a teenaged girl, some colts tried to force her to do things. She was saved that day, by a lone orb. It was a dark brown sphere that floated around, shooting small purple orbs at the colts, which in turn caused the victims to disappear in a similarly colored vortex.

After that traumatic and unusual event, the brown sphere was never seen again. Berry Punch sighed, remembering the days of old. But she wanted something to happen already! Carrot Top was out working, so there was no fun there. And Bon-Bon said something about finding a job for rent. None of her fellow foods salesponies were available at the moment.

Being the bored mare that she was, she decided to do what any rational pony would in this state of boredom.

“Let’s see what we have in the fridge..” Berry Punch said as she opened up her refrigerator, scanning the contents inside.

In truth, she was a very lazy pony. Work was a drag, as she had to get up very early, picking the best fruits from the bunch, and squeezing them for their ripe tastes. And thus, she never bothered to go shopping over the weekend. In the fridge was a leftover pie, some ice-cream, and some rotten apples. She picked up the apples, scrunching up her nose, and disposed of them in a nearby trashcan.

“Ewww....What’s this?” She asked as she saw something in the back of the food container.

She moved it closer to her face, revealing what seemed to be a regular old sandwich. Except....wait a minute...is that meat?

Berry Punch did a double take as she examined the ingredients of the mysterious sandwich. It had all of the normal things; lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and an olive, also some mustard. But there was a pink slice of meat inside. It disgusted her that such a monstrosity would be inside her home. So she did the only thing she could, throw it out.

“Who the hay put that in here?!”

*Knock Knock*

Berry Punch put her thoughts aside and went to go answer the door. Who could it possible be at this time? Just as she neared the hallway, however, something stopped here.



The entire front door, no, section was smashed to pieces as a giant hairless ape in black and blu clothing charged through, carrying a giant pipe with multiple cylinders and a trail of gold needles.

“Where is Sandvich?!”

“Huh?” Berry Punch asked, confusion ever present in her mind.

“Little pony, where is Sandvich?!”

“What’s a Sandvich?”

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”

“What’s going on? I’m stupid?!” Berry Punch was sure she was dreaming. Either that, or her ancestors were cursing her for abandoning the family tradition.

“Oh hey, Berry.” A panting Lyra said casually.

“Hey....wait a minute, what’s going on?!” Berry quickly realized.

“Heavy’s trying to look for his Sandvich. Said something about it being the credit to his team.” Lyra explained.

“Who’s Heavy?! And what’s that giant thing in my kitchen?!”

“That’s Heavy! Well actually, he is Heavy Weapons Guy, and that,” Lyra pointed to Heavy’s Natascha. “Is his weapon. It weighs....something...and it fires...something..I forget, but it costs four hundred thousand bits to fire it....for an hour?” Lyra’s recollection was a bit hazy, mainly in due to the fact that Pyro had somehow pulled out a hairbrush and was playing with the musical mare’s mane.

“You know him?” Berry Punch raised an eyebrow, then she cringed as a breaking sound emerged from the kitchen. Heavy had just started throwing all of her dishes everywhere.

“Well, I actually just met him and the others a few minutes ago. Even though they are weird, they’re pretty nice guys, I think...Ditzy!” Lyra called.

“Yeah?” Ditzy answered from outside. She flew inside and greeted Berry Punch.

“What are the others doing?”

“Let me see,” Ditzy replied, peeking her head out of the door. “Spy is....crouching on the ground, looking up to the sky and throwing his hands out. He looks like a crab.” She commented.

“It is ze ancient French ways, madame!” Spy said, still doing his daily dosage of Spy-Crab exercise.

“Sniper’s....sleeping.” Ditzy informed.

Sniper was leaning against a lamp post, his hat tipped downwards, covering his eyes. He was snoring but quickly snorted and stumbled upon the mention of his name. “Oi, you called, Sheila?” He asked, moving his hat up a bit to see the two derped eyes not looking at him. “Never mind.” Sniper went back to his nap.

“I have no idea what Scout is doing..”

Scout was hitting a pole with his Atomizer, saying “Bonk” multiple times.

“And.....Pyro is playing with a small torch....what is that?”

“Huddah.” Pyro replied blankly, flicking on his lighter.

“A lighter? Anyway,” Ditzy continued, looking back at the two ponies. “They’re just messing around.”

“Well that’s goo- wait a minute, where’s Demoman?”

“LET’S DO IIIIIITTTT!” Demoman shouted as he rushed inside, jumping through a window and stepping on the glass shards. “Not one of you’s gonna survive this!” Demoman charged at Berry Punch, raising his trusty old bottle of endless Scrumpy. “Bloody hell!” And just as he was about to strike, he fell on a nearby conveniently placed banana peel.

And with his rampage out of the way, the drunk Scot fell to the ground with a yelp. “I think I broke a rib.” He then proceeded to belch for a full on seven seconds.

“Ignore puny Demoman, where is Sandvich, little pony?!” Heavy was furious.

“You mean that sandwich I saw in my house earlier?” Berry inquired.

“Da! I can smell it.”

“It’s in the trash?!”

“What?!” Heavy put his weapon down, tossing the garbage can upside down until the life saving food came out. “Oh my god, who touched Sandvich?! Who touched my food?!”

“Sorry.” Berry quietly apologized. “I didn’t know it was that important.”

“You! Yes, you! You are dead!” Heavy pocketed the Sandvich and moved towards Berry Punch. “Heavy does not hurt defenseless creatures. But you hurt Sandvich, is unacceptable!” Heavy punched Berry, killing her as he body was flew towards the wall. An audible crack sound was made as her flesh connected with wood.

“What are you doing” Berry asked from the side.

“What? But I hit little pony!” Heavy said.

“Oui, you hit a little pony. Me.” Spy answered, uncloaking from his Dead Ringer. “It is impeccable at how idiotic you are.” Spy proceeded to pull out a smoke and light it, smoking and exhaling a huge puff of smoke in the Russian gargantuan’s face. “I disguised myself as that one, you think I will allow your stupidity to doom us? We must get home, the RED Medic awaits.” Spy wanted to return back to his battle with RED, as the RED Medic was his favorite target. That way, the enemy Heavy would think the Spy was a real Medic, thus allowing the assassin an open chance for an easy kill.

“Thanks,” Lyra, Ditzy, and a frightened Berry spoke from the side.

“It is no problem, mon cherie, just don’t enrage him again. I would hate to see what would happen if he did kill you.” Spy waved off.

“You are lucky, little Punch pony, Heavy will spare you for now. Do not touch Sandvich again!” Heavy warned.

“Well, now that we have Heavy’s Sandvich, I think we should bring you to Twilight. She’d know what to do in this situation the best." Lyra advised. “Although...she was going to buy something the last time me and Ditzy saw her."

“Zen I shall go and find her. Stay here, watch ze ozhers, and keep zem from fighting.” Spy commanded.

“You don’t even know what she looks like!” Lyra and Berry added.

Spy chuckled. “A good Spy knows his target. I will be back.” Spy cloaked himself, causing the ponies to look around in confusion.

“Is Spy, he can be invisible.” Heavy explained.

The mares made a collective “Oh”, still some doubt remaining in their minds.

Spy was taking his sweet time, the Cloak and Dagger allowed him to remain invisible for an eternity if he moved at slow paces, standing still for the advanced Australium powered device to work its magic. But he heard some very frantic hoofsteps behind him.

“Where did Lyra go?!” A British voice asked.

The Frenchman turned around to be met with a grey-coated mare, a musical note present on her flank. The large cello case wrapped on her back caused her much exhaustion.

“Perfect.” Spy whispered as he moved around a corner, using his Spytron 3000 to disguise as the mare. It dispensed a mask of the mare, who had light purple eyes and a black mane. He stood up to his full height, positive that when others would look at him he would appear to be a pony on her fours.

He casually walked into the market, looking for this ‘Twilight’. He felt some hooves wrapping around his legs.

“Hey, Octy, what are ya doing out here?” A white-coated mare asked, looking through two blue tinted goggles. “Why the long face?”

“I am,” Spy stopped, as his voice was still that of his deep, male, own. He coughed, and then spoke again. “Terribly sorry, I’m busy at the moment.” He spoke in Octy’s voice.

“Tave,” The mare began. “I told you I got the rent covered. Just give me a few days, the party still needs to get ready.”

“That’s fine.” Spy responded, trying to move away.

“Where are you going that’s so important that you can’t talk to your best friend, Vinyl?”

“I have to find Twilight, maybe you’ve seen her?” Spy asked.

“Hm...Twilight, oh yeah, she’s at the quills place!” Vinyl Scratch remembered.

“Thank you.” Spy made his way to what he presumed to be a quill store. Of course, it was perhaps the only one in this town, but he had a hunch this was the right place. Pushing the door open, he found a very amusing scene playing before him.

“What do you mean you’re out of quills?! For pony’s sake, this is a quill store!” Twilight Sparkle was practically smoking, as white columns were spewing upwards from her lavender ears.

“Twi, we bought the last batch last time, remember?” Spike tried to calm his adoptive older sister down.

“So?! This is a place that only has one item for sale. You’d think they’d always have a giant stock!” Twilight reasoned.

“Now, ma’am, I can assure you, there is a new shipment tomorrow morning, and I’ll have the first box just for you.” The salespony interrupted, beads of sweat falling down his face. A crazed librarian mare was not part of his job description.

“You better, or I’ll have this place dismantled!” Twilight was furious. Not only was this stop a useless one, but the look for inkwells proved futile as well. “What do you want, Octavia?”

Spy guessed that the mare was talking to him. “Ahem, I am in need of assistance at an establishment nearby. Please follow me.”

“Follow you? I don’t have time for your musical needs, Octavia. The library is unattended right now, perhaps another time?”

“No.” Spy said in his own voice. He grabbed Twilight by the horn, ready to drag her if he had to, but something stopped him. As his Cloak and Dagger made contact with her horn, a bright spark appeared between the two items.

Twilight’s eyes began to glow as she rose into the air. A disco-like spectrum lit up the entire store. Suddenly, the vast rays of pure white converged on one position, Spy’s face.

“Mon dieu!”

Spy tried to block his precious face, but the light pierced through his arms and a distinct ripping sound was made. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Spy lowered his arms to see what happened. And there, in front of him, was the paper mask of Octavia, ripped in half and floating towards the ground.

“Zis is not good.”

Spy looked up, being met with two sets of questioning stares from the librarian and her assistant. The store owner had run off the moment the light filled the room, so it was just those three right now.

“What are yo-”

Just before Twilight could finish her question, Spy fled, leaving the two doors flapping in his wake. Twilight turned to Spike as he asked, “What do we do now?”

“Get him!”

Spike jumped onto Twilight’s back, bracing himself for the likes of which speed that he had only seen when Twilight really wanted to study something.

“Get the hay back here!” Twilight called after the strange blue bipedal creature.

“Au revoir!” Spy shouted, pushing ponies, young and old alike, out of his way.

Twilight wasn’t going to give up that easy. She decided that a stun spell would be the best course of action now. She clamped her eyes shut in concentration as the distinct hum noise followed suit. Before long, she fell a bit drained as the bolt of yellow light smacked right into the blue thing. He fell to the ground, frozen in place.

“I got you!” Twilight examined the thing, but it disappeared quickly after she touched it with a hoof.

“Nice try, girlie!” Spy taunted, successfully tricking her with his Dead Ringer.

“Wow.” Twilight had never seen a creature who could not only disguise itself, but make fake copies as well. She needed to get this thing strapped into a chair....along with some surgical equipment. She continued chase, the escapee bobbing around corners to which she followed. It was the same old bait and switch every time until he finally came to a halt.

“Thank you for following me this far, mademoiselle. We have arrived at ze destination.” Spy bowed before her.

“What’s going on?” Twilight was befuddled.

“If you would be so kind as to follow me,” Spy pointed to a building with a giant hole at the front, along with a broken window on the side.

Twilight reluctantly followed, much to the chagrin of her assistant who managed to keep his breakfast down, despite having been tossed around like a ball.

“More little friends? Come, come meet Sandvich! Sandvich is best friend!”

Twilight was suddenly swept up into a hug, Spike included. And they were choked to death by a giant mass of which they’d yet to see.

“Finally, you got here, we've been waiting forever!”


“And me too!” Ditzy added enthusiastically.

“What in the name of Celestia are these things?” Twilight’s curiosity got the better of her.

“Humans, well that’s what they said, anyway.” Lyra answered. “But I think it’d be better for them to explain.”

“And which one is their leader?” Twilight asked, eyeing all of the so called ‘humans’ in the room. Currently, there were five present.

“Zat would be me,” Spy came out from behind her, causing the purple unicorn to recoil in surprise. “You may call me Spy. We would very much like to talk you and your leaders.”

“Well, Mr. Spy, I’d love to do that but we need to access your full situation here. First and foremost, what’s you jo-”

“Twi, should we call the others for this?” Spike asked, thinking Applejack and the others should be here for this.

“You may be right, Spike. Send a message to each of them!” Twilight said, nodding her head in approval.

“Um...we don’t exactly have anything to write with, let alone on.” Spike commented.

“Hey yo, don’t worry fella. I got this. Now where was that bag...” Scout stopped screwing around with the collection of knives that Berry Punch had. He cut his fingers a few times, in turn, he was still sucking the said self-inflicted injuries.

He searched through his backpack, occasionally throwing something at the others. “Soda Popper...another Soda Popper, damn duplicates. Mad Milk......where was it?” Scout asked no one in particular. “Yo Pyro, take this,” Scout threw an item to Pyro, causing the inferno loving monster to scream in delight. Pyro had lost his last Brigade Hat in a fight at Doomsday. He put the fire fighter hat on, despite being a firebug, himself. “Here it is!”

Scout pulled out a long pole out of a surprisingly small bag. Then, a brown wooden square appeared on the end, having a message sprayed on the front. the Conscientious Objector’s message read “Stop the Gaben”.

“What’s a gaben?” Ditzy asked.

“Nothin’.” Scout replied, wiping off the message and writing a new one on with a black marker. “Wait a sec, what do you want it to say?”

“All Elements please come to Berry Punch’s house.” Twilight informed.

“Gotcha...All Elements...please.....come to.....Berry Punch’s house..” Scout read each word out loud. “Here ya go little guy. Now, yo Berry, you related to my Bonk! Atomic Punch or what?”

“Bonk Atomic what?” Berry Punch asked.

“Bonk! Atomic Punch. Ya know, this?” Scout pulled out his Bonk! Atomic Punch, handing it to the raspberry colored earth pony and giving her a taste.

She sipped slowly, then going to a full on chug upon getting a good taste. She wiped her mouth with her hoof. “That’s great!” She felt like she was air. She started to run around, going from her normal speed to that of a griffin. When she finally stopped, her newfound energy gone, she looked at the other ponies who had their jaws wide open.

“What?” She asked causally.

“You just...” Lyra began.

“Ran around the house...” Twilight continued.

“Over 9000 times!” Ditzy shouted in an excited tone. The other two girls looked at her, causing her to blush and kick at the ground. “Okay it was 50, but still!”

Berry Punch guffawed at their ridiculous statement. There was no way soda could make her go that fast, right? She looked to Scout, who was grinning the entire time.

“And that’s Bonk! Atomic Punch for ya.”

“They’re not lying?”

“Nah, you did pretty good. For a rookie. My first time, I ran 200 laps around the Gulch.”

With that, Spike blew a trail of fire, causing the object to go to the Elements. Pyro gasped, or at least it sounded like he did, and ran over to the baby dragon.

“Huddah huh huddah huddah huddah huh!” Pyro said.

“I don’t understand...”

“He said that you’re his new friend, and you’ll make fire together.” Ditzy translated.

“Oh..cool.” Spike tried to act casual, but then slipped on a nearby banana peel.

It was back to the awkward silence again. And who’d have guessed it, Twilight decided now was the perfect chance for some noteworthy facts.

“So, where’d you learn to speak Equish?” She asked, using a spell to magically transmute that pesky banana peel into a notebook.

The humans, who were sitting on multiple chairs on the side opposite from the ponies and the dragon, began to take turns to answer.

“I learn from employer, Saxton Hale. Is glorious man! He fight polar bears with Heavy in winters of Siberia, he teach to speak English.” Heavy explained.

“English, is that what you call it?”

“Da. I talk bad in English, is not so good. But I am professor in literature in Russia! Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe,” Heavy sniffed hard. “Maybe. I have yet to meet one who can outsmart bullet.” Heavy took one of the bullets in his bandolier belt and shoved it in Twilight’s face.

“Okay...” Twilight scribbled some notes down.

“What about Saxton Hale? He eats bullets, mate.” Sniper reminded.

“Da. That is true. But he is no man. He is..” Heavy whispered in Sniper’s ear.

“Oi, that makes sense.”

Twilight and Ditzy took an interest in Sniper, mainly because he wasn’t as talkative or silly compared to the others. He was calm, and he was old. Well, to Twilight he looked old, and his face was longer than the others.

“What do you do, Mr. Sniper?”

Sniper looked around the room, pointing his thumb towards his own body. “Ya talking to me?”

“Yes.” Twilight answered.

Sniper sighed, taking his hat off and creasing the edges. Ditzy flew from her chair, her giant head in the Australian’s face. He took his right hand, and flicked her on the nose, causing her head to bob and her body to flinch. “Boom, headshot,” He chuckled and turned back to answer the mare.

“Sniper’s a good job mate. Challenging work, out of doors. I guarantee you’ll not go angry, cause at the end of the day, long as there’s two people left on the planet,” Sniper said as he pulled out a snapshot of RED Heavy. “Someone is gonna want someone dead.”

“But wouldn’t that make you a crazed ‘gun’ man?” Twilight inquired.

“Yeah...yeah I’m y-... not a crazed guman, girl, I’m an assassin.”

“What’s the difference?” Ditzy asked.

“Well, the difference being one’s a job and the other’s a mental sickness. And I’ll be honest with ya. My parents do not care for it.”

“Don’t you get bad feelings after killing so many others?” Lyra suddenly cut in.

“Feelings?! Look mates, you know who has a lot of feelings? Blokes that bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards: Be polite, be efficient, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.”

And that right there, made Twilight wish she had never pried open. She quickly scribbled down a note to herself. Never be stuck in a room with Sniper.

Now that her mood of hearing their past was killed, she wondered when the others would get there already. And perfect timing could not be more evident, as the sounds of hoofsteps coming closer filled the air.

“Howdy Twi, we got yer message and came as soon....as......possible?” Applejack looked up at the giant creature before her.

They locked eyes for a moment before Twilight broke their gaze. “Finally Applejack, we were waiting for a while now. Meet Pyro, Heavy, Sniper, Scout, and Spy.” Twilight introduced.

“What in tarnation?” Applejack gave a distrusting look at Heavy, who responded by smiling and waving.

“Eeep!” Fluttershy screamed as she ducked behind her apple-bucking friend.

“Look at them! They’re so funny looking! Ooh! I know! We have to throw a ‘You guys are funny looking, please don’t eat us’ party for them! What’s their favorite color?! Is it blue? Red? What? Oooh I can’t wait for them to come by Sugar Cube Corner. And then we could bake some cupcakes! I mean, who doesn’t like cupcakes. They’re like the best thing to have been made, like duuuuhhh.”

“Mmmphh! Mph mpph mph mmmmpphh mphh.” Pyro answered.

Pinkie gasped loudly. “You like pink too?! That’s super! Super duper scooper tooper looper cooper! I like the azure pink, or even the strawberry pink, how about you? Ooh, do you wanna color my room a new shade with me? It’s going to be so fummmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm m mmm” Pinkie’s constant rambling was stopped as Twilight inserted her hoof into the babbling mare’s mouth.

“Please Pinkie! Anyway, where’s Rainbow Dash and Rarity?”

“They’re busy, Twi. They said they’d come later. Just wait a jiffy.” Applejack sighed, then remembered she was in a room full of monsters. “And back to these things. What in the hay are they?”

“Humans.” Lyra repeated it like it was a mantra or something, or something that she was well-known for being associated with.

“Humans?” Fluttershy whispered.


“Fluttershy, they won’t harm you!” Twilight screamed, annoyed by her friend’s timid nature.

“Do not worry Apple pony and Flutter pony, Heavy is nice guy. And we all are friends with Sandvich, right?” Heavy asked, waving Sandvich back and forth in their faces.

Applejack raised a curious eyebrow, while Fluttershy peeped. “Come here,” Heavy picked both up in his arms. “See? Heavy is friend.” Heavy tussled their manes, then put them down.

“....Twilight, are these guys dangerous?” Applejack almost asked it like it was a statement, not a question.

“Well...they are dangerous, but so far, they’ve been pretty friendly for all I’ve seen.”

“Well then,” Applejack turned around, moving her hoof towards her Stetson to tip in respect. “Nice to meet cha, y’all. Mah name’s....what in tarnation?!” Applejack never felt her hat on her head. “Where’s mah hat?!”

“Oi mate, that’s a snazzy cap ya got on there. I’ll trade ya the Ushanka I found for it.” Sniper bargained, patting Heavy on the back and eyeing his newfound hat.

“Njet! New hat is comfy. It fits Heavy’s shaved head. And Sandvich finds it fitting. Is gift from Apple pony.” Heavy tilted the hat around until it fit just right on his head. Applejack’s Stetson was definitely something he took pride in wearing.

“Hey, that’s my hat, ya thieving varmint!” Applejack shouted as she jumped up, taking her hat back.

“Did Apple pony not give hat to Heavy? In Mother Russia, girl gives their hat to new friends. We are friends, no? Heavy reasoned.

“Well...I guess...wait a sec, you’re lyin’! I’m the Element of Honesty and that right there is somethin’ off the charts! Nice try, Mister!” Applejack realized.

“Suka. Apple pony caught Heavy on lie...will you trade for this?” Heavy handed her a Dalakohs Bar.

“Chocolate? Why would I give mah family hat for chocolate?”

“Njet, is not chocolate. Is lunch, and it gives more power to eater. Take it, I will give you something else as well.”

“No thanks, mah parents taught me not to take candy from aliens.” Applejack declined.

“Ya gonna eat that?!” Pinkie suddenly appeared on Heavy’s back. She opened her mouth wide and ate all of it in one bite, Heavy’s massive hand in her mouth.

“Pinkie pony eat Heavy’s hand. Help! Help me, Doktor!”

“He’s not here, remember?” Scout added.

“Da...Heavy misses Medic. He is only man with tool that outsmarts bullet.”

“Hey, speaking of...where’s Demoman?” Lyra asked.

As if on cue, another window was smashed open. “Let’s do it!”

“Didn’t you try and fail at that earlier?” Berry Punch’s words bored into Demoman’s mind.

He started to tear up a bit. “I did what I could.” He took his Scrumpy and took a big swig from it. After that, he sat at a nearby table as Berry Punch sat down next to him.

“What do you do?” She was genuinely interested in hearing a drunk’s past. She had her fair share, after all.

“If ya can’t tell, lass, I’m a Demoman. Always have, always will. My family has been doing it, and I followed.”

Berry Punch knew what that felt like, being expected to follow family traditions. But she never went with it, as opposed to Demoman. So, full of pride and being cock-sure, she asked him, “What makes you a good Demoman?”

As Demoman was about to drink, the question caught him off guard. He eyes her with his one eyeball, giving her the most menacing death glare he could.

“What makes me a good Demoman?! If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn’t be here, discussin’ it with ya, now would I?!”

“He makes explosives.” Sniper shouted on the far side of the room.

“Ay, one crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chloride, one errant twitch...and KABLOOEY!” Demoman took his bottle and drank it.

“So...” Berry Punch began.

Demoman continued to drink, showing no signs of stopping or relenting. His eyes remained closed, blissfully chugging everything.

“Like..do you..”

Still, Tavish DeGroot drank on, ignoring the entire world around him. And Pyro moved from his seat with the others to come over and give some moral support to the drunk, emotional, Scottish wreck that was Demoman. Finally, after drinking a copious amount of alcohol, Demoman finished as he slammed the bottle onto the table, causing an audible clink to ring in Berry Punch’s ears.

“I got a manky eye. I’m a black Scottish cyclops! They’ve got more mmmmm mmmmmmm mmm mm m mmmmmm mmmm monsters in the Loch Ness than they’ve got the likes of me.” Luckily, Pyro used his glove to cover Tavish’s mouth before any profanities corrupted the ponies’ ears.

Demoman was about to drink again from his now-empty bottle, but he saw the other humans, along with the ponies, giving him a pitiful look. He put the bottle down and addressed them. “So! T’all you fine dandies, so proud, so cock-sure, prancin’ aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me, I say! I’ll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the ol’ brimstone. I’m a grim bloody fable, with an unhappy bloody end!”

Demoman started to laugh manically. “Hahaha! They’re going to have to glue you back together. IN HELL!” With his final words, he pushed on his chair backwards, causing it to tip over and he hit his head on his bottle, rendering him unconscious.

“Why was he talking to my windows?” Berry Punch asked confusedly.

“I don’t know, but we have to pass time as I go and write a letter to the Princess. Get these guys situated. And I want a home for each of these ponie- humans so pair up!” Twilight and Spike began to leave, receiving goodbyes from everypony and everybody.

“Well, I guess I’ll take care of this guy,” Berry Punch slapped the unconscious Demoman a few times. “Since he’s out cold.”

Sniper was about to leave to go live in the forest, being forever alone, when something unexpected happened. “Let’s go, Sniper!” Ditzy exclaimed gleefully.

“Big head Sheila? Are you serious?” He asked, not sure if the mare was joking or not.

“As serious as I am about muffins,” Ditzy moved her face closer to the Australian, almost breathing in his face. Her happy demeanor changed to a almost Spy-like one. “And I love muffins.”

“Alright...” Sniper scratched his head, reluctantly leaving with the mailmare.

“Hey, what’s this? Is it lemonade?” Ditzy asked.

“Wait! No! Don’t!”

“Pfft! Pffft! Pla! Ewww! That wasn’t what I think it is, is it?!” Ditzy spat out the nasty tasting liquid.

“It is..don’t touch my Jarate again.”

“Heavy will go with Apple pony!” Heavy decided all on his own.

“What?! Heck no! Who said Ah approve?!” Applejack gave him a bemused expression.

“Sandvich.” Heavy stated matter-of-factly.

“If..I..um, if you don’t want to, I can...take him...” Fluttershy whispered.

“Little Flutter pony is new best friend!....After Sandvich, that is.” Heavy picked up Fluttershy and put her on his shoulder, walking out of the front hole of the house. Applejack followed her Pegasus friend.

“Bye guys, I gotta get going. Bon-Bon must be worried sick!”

Lyra began to trot away but she heard that distinct crinkling noise from behind her. “No, Pyro, you can’t go with me either.”

“Huuuuudddaaaah!” Pyro begged.


“Huddah huddah?”


Pyro got on his knees, folding his hands together, and begged.


Crash and burn, as Pyro fell to the ground, heart stricken with grief. Lyra left for her house, leaving Pyro all alone.

“Hey, Spy, wanna go and play hide-and-seek with me back at Sugar Cube Corner?”

“No.” The Frenchman replied.

“Aww come on, we’ll do it Pinkie Spy style!” Pinkie begged.

“No.” Spy repeated.

“I’ll give you my chef hat if you win!”

“Lead the way.” Spy suddenly agreed.

“But what about.....me.” Scout was forever alone. Demoman had someone. And come to think of it, Pyro was alone too. Maybe he could... “What the?” Pyro was nowhere to be seen. So again, Scout was forever alone. Pinkie Pie disappeared in a flash, while Spy has used his Cloak and Dagger. So only if Scout had some fast pony that would run with him....Scout took a drink of his Bonk! Atomic Punch, which had miraculously been filled up by itself.

“Take this!” A tomboyish voice called out from above.

With the enhanced reflexes from his soda, Scout quickly took his Atomizer in hand and swung, hitting a fast cyan ball that came right at him with a rainbow streak right behind it.

“AAAAAHHH!” The ball screamed as it was smacked into the sun. With a closer look, Scout saw that what he hit wasn’t a ball...but a pony!

“Aw snap.” Scout ran after the runaway Pegasus going 169 miles an hour.

“What do you mean a ‘human’ disguised as me?!”

“I told you, Octy. You have to believe me, I saw another you!” Vinyl Scratch pleaded.

“She’s right, Octavia. Those things that you saw were probably the humans. One of them is able to pretend to be other ponies.” Twilight informed.

“Where is he now?!” Octavia was furious. It was not fun to have someone steal your likeness and tarnish it with stupidity and bad deeds. Octavia was a refined and respectable pony, and nopony or ‘human’ was going to mess with that. She had more than a few things to say and do to this ‘Spy’, one of which included an earth pony buck to the groin.

“Let me check...” Twilight used a location spell, her horn glowing in a bright purple as a mirror appeared before them. “He’s at Sugar Cube....Corner..” Princess Celestia’s personal student looked up to find a trail of dust left at her door and a nervously laughing disc jockey tousling her mane.

“Sorry about that.” Vinyl apologized. “Come back Octy!”

Lyra Heartstrings reached her home. as she opened and closed the door behind her, she sighed, relieved to be done with today’s events. It was tiring to meet a pack of aliens and talk with them. And Lyra found it surprising she had not gone into shock or at least faint when she first saw them. And maybe she was too harsh on Pyro....nah.

Bon-Bon would flip if Lyra brought home a stranger, let alone an alien. So it probably was in her best interests to deny Pyro a new home.

“Bon-Bon, you home?” Lyra asked aloud.

She received no response, but the pipes were running, so Bon-Bon was probably in the shower. Lyra went upstairs, the staircase creaked with each step. As she reached the top, she looked into the hallway and saw the bathroom door open. Bon-Bon must’ve forgot to lock it. After all, the smell of her candy perfume was making the sea-green pony’s mouth water. Lyra loved her sweets, and living in a home with a candy-maker was like a dream come true. Maybe Bon-Bon brought her taffies from work!

“Bon-Bon, you left the door open!” Lyra shouted over the noise of the shower head inside the bathroom. She tried not to peek in but Bon-Bon was never this quiet. Maybe she was in a bad mood? “Bon-Bon?” Lyra peaked in and saw the entire room filled with steam. It was hard to see anything in this state.

She moved closer to the shower, seeing the curtains drawn. She heard the squeaking of Bon-Bon’s favorite rubber ducky inside. Why Bon-Bon had a rubber ducky, she never knew. But that aside, she even saw the shadow form of Bon-Bon through the curtain. Well, it was more of the head, but still. She was even wearing the shower cap she always put on before even turning the water on. “Bon-Bon?”

Lyra slowly pulled the shower curtains to the side. Her eyes widened with each passing inch and second. The shower occupant raised its arms in embarrassment, trying to cover its private areas. Lyra stood frozen when the entirety of the shower curtain was gone and she was able to see the whole picture before her.