• Published 21st Jul 2012
  • 5,995 Views, 151 Comments

The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk! - PonyManne215



Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

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Why Must You Do This, Sandvich?

In this world that we call Earth, humans have come to understand the casualties of war. They have understood that it is an ultimatum, something that should only be used as a last resort. If all else fails, then war is inevitable. People fight wars for many different reasons, whether they be monetary ones, cultural conflicts, racial superiority or domination. Human beings have fought wars for as long as we can remember. Humans are not foreign to the concept.

If there is one thing for certain, it is that we do not enjoy it. The amount of lives that wars cost is staggering. Many of them reach the thousands and in extreme cases, the millions. War is a cruel thing. People are bled out, blown apart, set on fire, stabbed in the back, left to die, and slapped by fish wrapped in newpapers. The factors vary greatly. But again, we do not take war as a means of a past tim-

“BOOM! Headshot!” BLU Sniper waved his arm to the man who was sitting on a chair talking to a camera. “Thanks for standing still, wanker!”

The man, who was previously speaking on a documentary about the forces of BLU and RED, who fighting for a very long time, was dead. His head was separated from his body, perhaps even exploded from the sheer force of the Sniper’s..well, sniper bullet. The camera man tried to make a run for it but by the time he stood up, he was covered in a god-awful liquid that smelled much like one makes in the bathroom. The next thing that happened was a large blade came protruding out from his chest as he gasped his final breath of air.

BLU Sniper bowed his head in respect and took off his hat before putting it back on and proceeding back to his base. The obnoxious camera man with his enormous head fell to the ground with a loud thump. A RED Scout could be heard trash talking a bit of a distance away. The Sniper needed to get back to his base and refill on ammo and health packs. He passed by his team Medic who was suspiciously sitting in the corner. Sniper needed to check if he was alright.

“Oi mate! You don’t look so good. What r'ya doin’?”

“Ah, mein leg ist just a bit kaput. Don’t mind me…hehe..” BLU Doctor replied.

“Alright..” Sniper reluctantly turned his back and resumed his walk back to base. It was silent, too silent for a place like 2Fort. Something was amiss in this place....

“Surprise!” A French voice came from behind the Sniper.

Sniper turned around just in time for the RED Spy to miss with his knife. He quickly unsheathed his Kukri and swung it at the French Assassin. The RED Spy jumped back and dodged the attack. RED Spy jabbed with the small knife and managed to cut BLU Sniper on his cheek.

“Ya gonna bloody pay for that!” BLU taunted.

Sniper charged with his Kukri and lunged for his enemy’s midsection. It connected with nothing but air.

“Right behind you!” RED Spy exclaimed as he slipped behind the Sniper and brought his knife down.

BLU Sniper waited for the French Butterfly knife to come down on his back, ending his life and causing him to respawn due to Dell Conagher’s almost magical revival device. No one knew just exactly how the device itself worked, as neither did the opposing RED team. All they both knew was that it brought them back to life a few seconds after they died, weapons and armor still the same.

Some of the more philosophical team members such as the Medic and the Spy would try to garner some answers from the sophisticated Engineer, but the Texan never revealed his secrets. He always used the expression: “A good engineer never reveals his schematics.”

There were some theories that the revival device used some sort of cloning system and just brought copies of them back. But that was negated by the fact that they had the same memories as the previous life and they even remembered how they died. There was another theory that the device was powered by God himself, and he allowed them to keep on fighting for the rest of eternity for his amusement. Then again, that came from the religious Scout who grew up with a mom that raised him Catholic.

The final theory was that the device captured their souls, something that Medic believed was not real, and used some mumbo-jumbo magic that would bring them back to kill some more. These of course, were the drunk Demoman’s words, so who knows if it was even given thought.

But there was something that surprised the BLU Sniper. The blade never reached his back. He craned his neck, his vision following, and saw the RED Spy mangled on the floor.

“It is good thing I was here, no? Follow me, comrade. We shall get more bullets together!” The bloodthirsty BLU Heavy had just finished beating the RED Spy to death with his bare hands.

Sniper knew two things about his team. Actually, make it three. One, Pyro was the craziest bloke to have ever roamed the Earth. Two, Scout did not like the fact that RED Spy was sleeping with his mother, let alone having pornography pictures of her. And three, never screw with the big Russian when he wants bullets, seeks revenge for someone who tampered with his gun, or wants his Sandvich.

Sniper just motioned his hands for the Russian to go first. “Lead the way, mate.”


“I’m going to kill you, ya little American twig! Ya drank me last bottle of scotch. That was a gift from me mother!” RED Demoman was furious.

“Yeah yeah, stop crying like a little girl. It was just like a glassful anyway. So what’s the fuss?” RED Scout replied calmly in his Boston accent.

The Scottish explosives expert was not very happy. It was halftime at the moment, so no team was allowed to kill each other. They had to stay in their respective bases and take a ten minute break and relax. RED Spy, Medic, Engineer, and Heavy were all conversing on their next plans for the oncoming fight. Soldier was off standing like a statue, Sniper was sleeping, and Demoman and Scout were left together when Scout got kicked out of the room for bragging about slapping people with his fish.

“Did ye just say ‘What’s the fuss’? That’s like takin’ me heart out and stomping on it, ya whelp. Yer lucky I don’t have me potassium or else ya might be in pieces right now.” Demoman warned.

“Oh big deal, the big Scottish drunk is gonna blow me to pieces. Ohohoho, I’m so scared. Well you know what, buddy? You suck!” Scout was being cocky as usual. While he was slinging his Holy Mackerel around, as people from Boston like to talk with their hands moving, he loosened his grip and the stinky sea weapon landed right into Demoman’s eye patch.

“Uhhh…..” Scout was speechless.

A loud growl could be heard from the black Scottish Cyclops, as he like to call himself. It was actually pretty frightening seeing as how he was sober and could keep a serious face on. His whole body twitched, back and forth, before his lone eye went to meet the Scout’s gaze. “I’m gonna kill ya!” Demoman lunged over a table, his bottle in one hand and the other ready to choke the Scout.

Scout moved and started running. “Help! Someone help me! Crazy guy on the loose!!” Scout was screaming at the top of his lungs.

RED Medic stuck his head out of the meeting room and hushed the Boston baseball player. “Shh! We are trying to speak here, dummkoff! Pyro is not going to hurt you.” The German assumed it was Pyro, as he was the craziest person ever to have lived, and went back inside, slamming the door with a lock clicking right after.

“Oh shi-” Scout was stopped when a shoe flew right by his face. It seriously reeked, even more than when he would run a whole game around Dustbowl. The Scout turned his head to meet the attacker and gasped when he saw Demoman.

Demoman had his Chargin’ Targe with him, obviously intended to break a few of his teammate’s teeth in. “Let’s take this nice and easy…” Scout moved his hands to block his face.

“Take that!” Demoman threw his empty bottle at Scout, who ducked for cover the moment the Scot had moved his arm. It did make contact with something though, as a loud shattering noise and some groaning followed. Demoman and Scout looked at what the drunk had hit. And there, was the possibly worst person to hit with a alcohol bottle rubbing his head.

“Mmmmphhh!”

(Play until the scene shifts, marked by horizontal rule.)

RED Pyro quickly recovered from the sudden hit. He looked at the two teammates before him with a cold hearted stare. Even though he had no eyes for them to look at, the two could practically feel the flames burning them alive. Those two black dots were something that one should not stare at or be the victim of its stare. With a slow but fluid movement, Pyro grabbed something behind him. He felt along the wooden base and slowly brought it to his front. He felt along the metal edges of its top. He wiped his fingers along the inscription of the address on the side. He removed the dust that gathered on it and beheld the new red words that were visible.

'The Postal Pummeler'

The inferno loving monster stepped forward, a loud thump making itself heard throughout the hallway.

“If it makes ya feel any better, I’m sorry!” Scout apologized.

Pyro stepped closer, seemingly unphased by the Scout's futile pleas. He gave an eerie laugh as he looked at their frightened faces. His asbestos suit crinkled with his movements. The folds of his sides grew and creased with his steps.

“Yeah, I just hope we don’t get hit too hard by that thing!” Demoman forgave.

The Pyro stepped closer. He was now within weapon range as he looked at their bodies. He pointed to Scout who proceeded to point a questioning thumb at himself.

"Who me?! Nah, you don't want me! I'm...uh..gentle?"

“Huddah Huddah HUDDAH!” Pyro charged at Scout and Demoman, who closed their eyes.


"Ah! Ooh! Ow! My leg!"

"Me arse! Argh, me eye! He's punchin' me eye!"


“So, let us wrap up, gentlemen. Engineer will guard the briefcase. I shall stay in ze corners and backstab any intruders. Pyro, Scout and Demoman shall be offense. Soldier will guard as well, with Sniper covering them. And you and Heavy will ubercharge and guard ze middle, yes?” RED Spy concluded.

“Ja, sounds great!” Medic agreed.

“Alrighty, as long as Ah get to build the sentry, Ah’m dandy.” Engineer followed

“Da, we shall crush puny BLU.” Heavy jeered.

“I zink zhat ze announcer shall speak in…three…two…one…” Spy counted.

“HALFTIME OVER. SECOUND ROUND, BEGIN.”

“And zhere is our cue, collegues.”


“CHARGEEE!!” BLU Soldier yelled.

“Wait wait, holdup!” Scout stopped everyone’s charge. “So you’re tellin' me that I gotta stay in the back?”

“Yeah, got a problem?” Engineer questioned.

“Do not worry, puny man. We shall take the RED babies!” Heavy reassured.

“Yes, I shall sneak up on ze RED Medic and take him out of ze game before he can heal ze other Heavy.” Spy recalled.

“Yeah, and I’m gonna throw me Jarate so the big guy can take on their big guy.” Sniper cut in.

“Okay, this is, by far, the worst plan I have ever heard in my life. And lemme tell ya, I grew up on the mean streets of Bos-”

“We know!” Engineer slapped the slender runner on his head.

The door opening back to the large battlefield of 2Fort activated, allowing the BLU team to get to their respective places. Everyone except BLU Spy, Sniper, and Heavy went to guard the tunnel system underneath the place. Heavy stood in front while Sniper used his large Russian meat shield as cover.

“Oi! Don’t move too far away! They might see me!”

“Do not worry, Sniper man. I have this game in bag.” Heavy said.

“Shh! Do not attract unwanted attention.” Spy advised from his cloaked position. Upon revealing himself, he would be disguised as the enemy RED Medic using his Spytron 3000.

The sounds of Heavy’s loud footsteps filled the air while the two other stealthy others hid in his largely cast shadow. He began to rev up his favorite gun, Natascha. The cylinders began to whir loudly, attracting any unwanted attention from the RED team.

“You dumb bloke, you’ll get us all killed!” Sniper hissed.

“There is no babies, see! They are afraid to meet my gun.” Heavy taunted.

“Take that tough guy!” Screamed RED Scout from above. He shot his Scattergun at Heavy’s body, whilst Demoman charged at Sniper with his Eyelander. Pyro was tiredly limping after beating the hell out of his teammates. He wasn’t harmed, so he wasn’t healed by his German doctor. The other two, however, were healed after the fire-loving psychopath beat their teeth in with his steel mailbox.

“Mmmph…….hhh…mmph..” Pyro almost collapsed to the floor, leaning on the trigger of his flamethrower which almost ignited the hiding BLU Spy.

BLU Heavy was taking a lot of damage right now. He could feel himself starting to black out and die. He had taken many of the hits from the Scottish enemy’s two-handed claymore since the Sniper could not handle much of it himself. In an act of desperation, he pulled out his lover, his lifesaver, his wife.

“Sandvich! Omm nom nom, nom nom.” Heavy chewed lovingly on the healing food made of white bread, lettuce, ham, cheese, tomatoes, and lastly mustard. “That is delicious!” The hulking individual felt rejuvenated.

RED Scout took notice of this, as did Pyro. And so, Scout drank his Crit-A-Cola while Pyro prepared his secret weapon and focused on BLU Heavy. Upon another charge from the Red Demoman, BLU Sniper stumbled all over Heavy’s back and caused the Heavy to lose his grip on the half-eaten Sandvich.

“NOOOOOOOO!” Heavy was going to cry.

“Take this, ya knucklehead!” Scout taunted as he shot his Scattergun blindly, the enhanced bullets fusing with the magical sandwich.

At this moment, Pyro, who was busy preparing his Hadouken, launched his lethal attack of flames.

“Hudauda, huuuuuddaaahh!!!” Pyro exclaimed in a muffled voice as a large burst of flame that came from his gloves made contact yet again, with the Sandvich.

In all of recorded history between the forces of the Reliable Excavation Demolition and the Builders League United, there has never been a powerful force exerted on the ancient technologies of the Sandvich. Its actual properties are unknown to even the greatest minds. Its purpose was simple really, but they knew there was more potential to it, more raw energy.

The Sandvich is thought to be and probably is of alien or extraterrestrial origin. No one knows for sure what or who created the thing. People just know that Heavies use it as a means of healing themselves. But there is something more, something greater. For the item can be used to transport people between different worlds, dimensions, and even planes of existence. Who knew that an average looking food item used by a large ape was actually so powerful?

When the Sandvich was hit with both the RED Pyro’s Hadouken and the Scout’s critically charged shotgun spray, a large rift appeared. It was a perfect blend of colors really, a mix of blue and red. It was almost perfect. The waves emanating from the anomaly were fluid and the core was a pure black. It was a large suction cup to be more precise. Within seconds, the two opposing teams began to claw for anything on the ground to hold onto. The rift was pulling them in and a pain that was never before felt was being distributed throughout all of their bodies without relenting.

Of all people, RED Scout was the first to be pulled in. They saw it too. His legs were stretched to an unimaginable length as he bellowed for his mother. His body was quickly contorted to the slimmer length as well. Before long, his head and hat followed. And within minutes, his presence was no longer felt amongst them. The wind was like that of a tornado’s. BLU Spy was being dragged as well. His hold on the nearby corner loosened when he felt a tug on his foot.

“MMMPPHHH! MMMMPHH!” RED Pyro was frantic, not wanting to be sucked in as well.

"You are lucky zat we have zis problem at hand."

Spy was able to hold his postion, although it was a bit more difficult due to the new guest who was hanging onto his legs. One would be surprised that the slender Frenchman was strong. He would be able to hold on as long as another person doesn’t hol-

“Aay Laddie! Don’t leave me behind!” RED Demoman latched onto his teammate’s legs also.

And that was the point in which he could not hold any longer. BLU Spy lost his grip completely and they all got sucked into the portal.

“AAAAAAHH!” Heavy was crying that his precious Sandvich was lost. By crying, Heavy was more wailing than having tears roll off his face. In fact, it was hard to distinguish between him crying from sadness, joy, or just a plain old battle cry. But nonetheless, he was sad.

“Oi mate, tell me mum that I loved her. And tell me dad that he’s a bloody wanker!” Sniper gave a goodbye wink as his fingers slipped from Heavy’s boot. Heavy, not wanting to let his teammate go alone, released his large hands from his Natascha which was wrapped around a support beam. So Heavy, Sniper, and Natascha all went into the strange air discrepancy together.

RED Medic and Heavy arrived to the source of all the screaming.

“Vhat do you think just happened?” Medic asked.

“I have no idea.” Heavy replied.


Ponyville was in a state of relaxation. Winter-Wrap up was finally finished thanks to a special purple unicorn who had great organization skill. Thanks to her saving actions, Ponyville was actually able to wrap up winter on time. It was something that had not been accomplished in a long time. Due to her actions, Mayor Mare had a new vest made for Twilight; All Team Leader. Now that the cold was gone, the animals were woken from hibernation, and the birds were brought back to their newly constructed nests, ponies could take it easy.

Ditzy Doo and Lyra Heartstrings were spending the day together since Bon-Bon was busy on some family problems back at Fillydelphia.

“So, what do ya wanna buy, Ditz?” Lyra asked while moving around the marketplace with her mailmare friend.

“I dunno..Ooh! Wanna buy some muffins! Eeep!” Ditzy let out a childish squee at the thought of buying muffins.

“But we just got done buying muffins at those six other stores!” Lyra had spent the entire time buying different muffins from different stores. It was amazing how many stores there were for muffins; Muffin-Mart, Muffin King, McMuffin’s, Best Buyable Muffins, Uncle Ulysses, a branch of Daddy Dave’s, Mommy Melissa’s, and other stores that started with the same letter as the family member title.

“Oh alright..hey! Wanna buy muffin accessories? Stickland Muffins has a great muffin salesman there. Tank Mills. He is so funny!” Ditzy explained.

“How about we go to the library and look for some good books?” Lyra suggested.

“Okay!” Ditzy agreed.

Lyra shook her head in disappointment. “How that mare has a kid, I’ll never understand. She’s basically a kid, herself.” Lyra whispered to herself.

“What’cha say?” Ditzy heard her friend say something.

“Nothing! I said…I…like…muffins?” Lyra answered hesitantly.

“So do I!”

“I swear I’ll never understand her.”


“Okay Spike, is that everything?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Hold on….yep! We have the quills and parchments, the extra quills and parchments, the backup quills and parchments, and the backup backup quills and parchments.” Spike heaved with finishing listing the materials.

“What about the backup backup backup quills and parchments?”

“Oh shoot..” Spike forget to buy the last pack of materials for the backups to the backups to the extras to the originals.

“Looks like we have to go buy more..” Twilight reminded.

“Darn it.” Spike replied.

A loud knock at the door stopped their venture.

“Huh, I wonder who that can be?” Twilight asked.

Twilight Sparkle trotted to the door and used her magic to open it. The door, after being enveloped in a purple aura, flung open. Lyra and Ditzy stood at the doorway awkwardly.

“Hey Twilight, we were wondering if we could check out a couple of books.” Lyra inquired.

“Yeah, and then we’re going to buy more muffins!” Ditzy added.

“Sorry girls, but Spike and I have to go buy some things and we won’t be back for a while. Can you come back in say..an hour?”

“Okay, that’s fair enough.” Lyra accepted.

Lyra and Ditzy both left the library and made their way down the road towards the Ponyville pasture fields.

“So ready, Spike?” Twilight turned to her assistant.

“Ready.”


“So where are we going again?” Ditzy asked once again.

“For the tenth time in a row, we’re going to the fields outside of Ponyville and have a small picnic. I have no other ideas on what to do, so this is the best choice. Besides, we have all of these muffins.” Lyra explained for the ump-teenth time.

“Ohh…..okay.”

They trotted down the road leading outside of Ponyville. Soon, the thatch-roofed houses and buildings were no longer in sight and they were instead, met with the gaze of little critters and large meadows. They took a path off of the road and started to find a good spot to sit. Lyra moved around a little, trying to find the perfect spot under the sun.

Ditzy was confused as to the specifics of the spot but she just happily followed.

“..Hmm….Right here..nah…here! Yeah this is good.” Lyra planted her flank down on the grass.

“Okie dokie!” Ditzy accepted and planted her flanks down on the grass as well. “So what now?”

Lyra got into a comfortable position that looked like she was going to sleep or take a nap. “Now? Now we relax. Hopefully, we can keep this peace and quiet until Twilight comes back.”


Octavia was spending another day as per her usual routine; waking up, eating cereal, chatting with her roommate, Vinyl, and then going outside to the park to practice her music. It was tedious to say the least. It was repetitive, and speaking with Vinyl was a challenge in itself. Although they were great friends, they had so many things that contracted from the other. Octavia preferred more classical pieces while Vinyl liked contemporary beats.

Also, the bass blasting unicorn loved to eat so much! Octavia was refined, she was fanciful. Don't get her wrong, she can get down and dirty as much as the next pony, but she liked to present herself with a high amount of class and fortitude. She could even recall the time when she offered her sandwich to Vinyl when her friend was still hungry. Not a second later. Vinyl Scratch broke up into tears and said something about Octavia being "The nicest and coolest pony ever".

So, she took her cello, like every other day, and played her musical wooden instrument outside. Onlookers would pass by, giving her a smile, grin, and glance at her beautiful piece. Some of them would even give her money, although she had no need for such things. Another player in the park, one with whom Octavia got into many debates with, was Lyra Heartstrings. For a fellow player of harmonics, she really knew how to pull Octavia's strings. Her tolerance strings, that is.

Lyra was a great player, Octavia had to admit. But they were so different. Lyra was very shortcoming, meaning she was childish, ill-mannered, and overall worry-free. She cared for nothing trivial, like money, and paid more attention to old mare's tales, legends, and things of that sort. The only thing that kept her mind on Equestria had to be Bon-Bon, her friend and roommate.

And there Lyra was, sitting off in the distance with her friend, Ditzy, or Derpy by those more frank and obnoxious. From what the dark grey coated earth pony could tell, the two mares were having a picnic.

"It certainly is a nice day to have one...what in Celestia's name is that?" Octavia squinted her eyes as she saw something big, red, and strange approaching the unsuspecting friends. It was more of a blur to her, mostly because she was a far distance away. "I'm sure it's nothing.." Octavia began playing again but images in her mind flashed back and forth.

She saw Lyra and Ditzy being mauled by a bear, Manticore, Hydra, Timberwolf, and everything in between. She couldn't just leave those two alone with that strange blob. So she hastily threw her cello inside of the case and ran towards Lyra and Ditzy.


“Damn, my frickin’ head hurts. Any of ya got an aspirin or somethin’?” RED Scout asked.

“Stop crying like little baby, puny man.” BLU Heavy responded while rubbing his own shaved cranium.

“Where are we, gentlemen?” BLU Spy inquired.

“I have no idea. This place looks nothing like 2Fort or Turbines. Well, as long as I got me lass, Whiskey with me, I’m fine.” RED Demoman replied.

“I think my head is screwed on wrong.” BLU Sniper added.

The large group had just awakened from the events that occurred. They all had a splitting headache, their bodies were a bit numb, and they were low on morale. If they didn’t find their Medics soon, they might just collapse. They were peaceful due to their grogginess. But that quickly subsided when they regained their memories.

“You! Kill zem Heavy!” BLU Spy commanded.

“Why ya little..” RED Demoman started.

“Whoa whoa, hold on numbskulls. Aren’t we missing a guy here? More specifically, a crazy flame-retardant suit wearing, axe swinging, mumbling psychopath?” Red Scout stopped the immediate fight for a second.

“Da, it seems enemy puny man is right. Where is enemy Pyro?”

“Yeah, and where are we? This place sure doesn’t seem like any where I’ve been before. And I’ve been through the Outback, the Amazon, Africa, and just about everything in between. And I’ve never seen this place before in my life.” BLU Sniper commented.

“That just aboot describes my feelings, you wimpy marksman.” RED Demoman agreed.

“Hm..it appears we don’t know where we are, one of your men is missing, and we all have aches, numbing, pains, and everyzing in between. I hate to say zis, but we have to stick togezer for the moment.”

“Little Spy, are you sure this is best action to take? I rather take my Natascha and open fire on men.”

“Yes, I am sure.” Spy replied after a long silence. The BLUs and REDs has had a feud ongoing for hundreds of years. They were sworn enemies and were not so easy to lose a grudge. But desperate times called for desperate measures. Spy knew what he was doing, but he would keep an eye on the REDs, making sure to not fall for any tricks.

“Well alright then, lads. Let’s go find us a maniac, eh?” Demoman asked rhetorically.

They stopped their crusade when a loud growl came from behind them. The currently five-man team turned their attention to a towering creature with multiple heads, staring at them with drooling sharp teeth.

“Well I’ve never seen something like that in the Loch, I’ll tell ya that.” Demoman was nervous.

“Ay, me too..” Sniper followed.

“What is problem? Heavy can take puny dragon monster by self. Move out of way.” Heavy charged at the Hydra with his Natascha.

“That crazy bald bastard.” Scout muttered.


The Pyro. He is an unknown creature to those who acknowledge his existence. His gender is actually still unconfirmed as of the moment. Though he has the form of a masculine body, he has some very feminine traits as well. When embarrassed, he takes on a girlish pose and he also has a white flower purse. There are some theories that the Pyro is actually a robot or cyborg and the blood that he emits is actually synthetic.

Whoever thinks that he is a robot is mentally insane. There is another, darker theory for his origins though. Some believe he is actually something from Hell itself. Perhaps even Satan. His identity remains unknown. One thing is for certain though. He is one not to be trifled with. His mental situation is the subject that many are concerned about.

Some wonder if he truly does have a soul. He somehow finds joy in killing those around him. He blissfully expresses his content with a maniacal laugh or a muffled taunt. Even his own friends fear him. The German Medic, who had done many questionable actions in his past, fears him. If all fear him, then what stops him from taking over the world?

Every day, he sets fire to all things around him, whether they be enemy Spies, teammates, or just the world in general. What his past life was like, no one knows for sure. They know that he does act like he enjoys hearing the screams and yells of people being set ablaze. How does he think of his actions? How does he view the world in its entirety? How does he enjoy turning everything to ash?

Here's how.


“MMMPHH UHHH!”

Pyro raised his axe in the air happily as he saw the world he was in. It was like how he always saw everything at Dustbowl, 2Fort and everywhere else. The sky was a clear and bright blue. The clouds were white as snow. The sun was a bright golden yellow. And in the very far off distance, he could spot flying ponies like he always did back home. The grass was a green that was much better than the one in Pyroland.

The insane firebug skipped gleefully along the cobblestone road that he found himself in the middle of. His skips seemed to reach an all time high in this world. This place was so great. His friends and his baby friends on the BLU team could finally see what he saw every day. RED Engineer and Spy thought he was crazy when he wrote about his experiences in Pyroland and gave them it. But now, his team could enjoy the place.

He let out another giddy scream. “Huuddah huh! Mpphh mphh!”

He didn’t see any lollipops, gumdrops, or candy canes, but he knew there were some in the distance. What kind of place would look like this and not have candy? He jumped around, free of all troubles when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He turned his asbestos suit, his head in tow, and saw it.

He gasped loudly.


"Do you smell that, Ditzy?"

“Now that you mention it, yeah I do.”

“What is it?”

“I dunno. Never smelled that before in my life.” Ditzy shrugged.

“Okay..well whatever it is, I hop-”



“MMMMPPHH MMMPHHHH MPH!”