• Published 7th Jan 2016
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Bad Dude And The Coalition Of United Terrible Evils - naturalbornderpy



Super villain Bad Dude attempts to create Equestria's first ever super villain group. But were villains ever truly meant to play nice with one another?

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Crullers With Chrysalis

Discord pulled out his map and unfolded it, narrowing his eyes at the paper. Once he was finished looking it over, he crumbled it into a ball and munched on it, licking bits of ink off his fingers.

“You think this is the right place?” Bad Dude asked, seated on one of Discord’s shoulders, a royal blue cape tied around his neck. Bad Dude was a small grey colt with an icy blue mane and tail. He held onto one of Discord’s horns so he wouldn’t slip off.

“I’m… pretty sure,” Discord replied dryly, eyeing up the humongous black hive only a few meters in front of them. “Chrysalis may have set up shop far away from Canterlot, but it still sticks out more than a bit. Then again, she never was all that strong in the brains department.”

Bad Dude climbed off his shoulders and looked up at him. “Don’t say that! We want her on our team, remember?”

Discord groaned. “Oh, I know, Bad Dude, this super villain league of yours. A pipedream, I must say.” He grinned thinly. “I still don’t know why we need anyone else. Ever since you landed both Celestia and Luna in the hospital from heart problems, all of Equestria is basically up for grabs. And you and I could be the ones grabbing all those things! Right now, even!”

“Because it would be fun to have even more villains with us—we’d all be friends!”

“I wouldn’t go using the ‘f-word’ around other villains, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude raised a brow. “Fudge?”

“No. ‘Friends’.” Discord shook his head. “They might think you’re trying to convert them to the good side. And I’m sure they’ve gotten enough of that fluff from Twilight Sparkle already…”

Bad Dude thought for a moment. “Well, I don’t think there’s any problem with villains having other villain friends. We could look out for each other! And if we work together, I just know we’d be unstoppable!”

Discord stroked his beard. “Well, I’m not about to disagree with you about that, it’s just getting all of the big names working together seems… rather impossible, honestly, which is why I’ll be leaving this upcoming meeting for you to handle.”

Bad Dude shrunk a bit. “You mean you’re not coming in with me?”

“She didn’t send a personal letter to me, did she?” He chuckled. “But don’t believe any of the lies she might say about me in there. Centuries ago, when I knew her, I was practically wasted every single day. For all I know, I might’ve actually done something mean to her.”

“What’s ‘wasted’ mean?”

Discord smirked. “It means you’ve become too awesome for normal ponies to properly comprehend anymore.”

Bad Dude’s eyes popped open. “Wow! We should get wasted together sometime, Discord!”

“Maybe when you’re older.” Discord knelt down to him and handed him a loaded paper bag. “Now here’s a lunch incase you get hungry in there. I got you a cheese string and some peanut butter crackers. And a couple of pudding cups.”

Two pudding cups?”

“Well, no, not really. I ate one so as to teach you not to trust others so readily and take them on their word. It was quite a delicious lesson, I must say.”

Bad Dude took the bag from him. “Thanks, Discord.” He smiled brightly. “Wish me luck!”

He took a few steps in the direction of the giant hive before Discord roughly cleared his throat. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Bad Dude whirled around. “Oh, right!”

Using his elastic neck, Discord lowered his head until it was at the same level as Bad Dude’s. When Bad Dude put his face close to his, they rubbed their noses together. Bad Dude couldn’t help but giggle.

“That tickles!”

Discord stood back up and smiled. “Crystal Empire kisses. I know I shouldn’t on the account it might end up killing me due to your adorableness, but alas…”

“How’s your heart doing?” Bad Dude asked him curiously.

Discord patted his leg. “Better, ever since I moved it to a more secure location. Still hurts, but I think I can manage.”

“That’s good. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone on the team.”

“Well…” Discord said smoothly, “if you happen to kill Chrysalis while you’re in there, I won’t hold it against you.”

Bad Dude turned around again. “I’d better go or I’ll be late. I’ll see you in a bit, Discord.”

“Remember what I said now!” Discord yelled after him. “Remember rule number one!”

“I remember!” Bad Dude called back. “Rule number one: don’t betray Discord!”

***

Bad Dude stood in the hive’s dark entryway for close to a minute before he heard a scurrying noise from its dank depths. A large part of him wanted to leave, but he remained where he stood and tried to appear cool, calm, and collected all at once. Sadly, focusing on all three at the same time made him look more confused than anything, almost as if in the midst of a sneeze.

“Bad Dude,” cooed a smooth voice, echoing off the hives many rounded walls, “so good of you to join us today.”

Bad Dude squinted into the dark. “Queen Chrysalis? Is that you?”

He heard the flutter of paper-thin wings and someone land on the ground up ahead of him. Queen Chrysalis illuminated her horn with an eerie green glow and smiled at him warmly.

“I like the cape,” she told him.

Bad Dude looked at it. “Thank you! I like your, uh… crown thingy.”

Chrysalis gave him a nod. “Shall I show you around the place?”

Bad Dude stared at his hooves. “Uh… okay… sure.”

Chrysalis took a step down the hall before she noticed Bad Dude hadn’t moved from the entrance. “Coming, dear?”

His cheeks went crimson and he couldn’t meet her eyes. “It’s kinda dark in here… could you… could you hold my hoof as we walk?”

Chrysalis surprised him with a smile. “Of course, Bad Dude. I always thought about adding a window to the place, then realized how much changelings really don’t like the sun.” She went back to him and held his tiny hoof in her own. Then she grimaced and rubbed at her chest.

“You okay?” Bad Dude asked.

“Just my heart—gave a little lurch there.”

“Oh, that sometimes happens to ponies when they’re around me. I really don’t know how to control it.”

Chrysalis raised a curious brow as they started walking together down the hall. “So is that how you bested Celestia and Luna before? Some mystical magic only available to Earth ponies, perhaps?”

“I figure everyone just thinks I’m cute.” He looked up at her with a pout. “I don’t think I’m all that cute. I think I’m terrifying! I took Celestia’s personal cookies and everything! What do you think?”

Chrysalis shut her eyes with a grunt and rubbed at her chest again. “I think you’re more dangerous than I first gave you credit for, Bad Dude.”

Bad Dude gasped and let go of her hoof. He reached for something underneath his cape. “I almost forgot! I got you something!”

Chrysalis angled her head. “Really? Something for little old me? How very thoughtful.”

He set down a greasy paper bag on the floor and looked up at her with excitement. “These are called crullers and they’re my very favorite donut in the whole world! I had to take some when my dad wasn’t looking. He runs a donut shop in Canterlot and—” He stopped himself suddenly. “But I probably shouldn’t be telling you stuff like that until I get to know you better.”

Cautiously, Chrysalis opened the bag and took a look inside. She gave them a faint sniff. “These smell rather sugary.”

Bad Dude nodded happily. “Yep! Because they’re covered in sweet glaze! And it’s funny because that’s also my name!” Again, he blushed and looked away from her. “Can you forget I said that, please?”

“No problem.” She sighed as she knelt to him. “Sadly, changelings can’t handle real food all too well. We rely on emotions to survive, like love; but… having said that, I can allow for some of my drones to have the smallest of nibbles as long as they take the form of a normal pony first.”

Bad Dude furrowed his brows. “Huh?”

Bringing a hoof to her mouth, Chrysalis whistled loudly. Not even a second later did the same hall they were standing in became flooded with dozens of smaller changelings. When Bad Dude noticed most of them staring at him, he straightened out his cape and tried to appear a bit taller. It was still intimidating, though. If he knew there’d be so many of them, he would’ve brought more crullers along with him.

“Everyone,” Chrysalis announced clearly, “this is Bad Dude. Bad Dude, this is everyone. Well, not everyone—more like one-percent, but you get what I mean.”

Bad Dude waved at them timidly. “Hi.”

More than a few of the changelings glanced to others around them suspiciously.

Then Bad Dude thought of something. “What did you mean by ‘form of a normal pony’?”

“I’ll show you.” Chrysalis looked around at her drones. “Whoever wants a small bite of donut come forward, but before you eat, take the form of Bad Dude here, since he is the only pony we have that we can copy from.”

A lone changeling eventually exited from the mass of others and strolled up to Bad Dude. After carefully looking him over for a moment, he erupted into green flames and reappeared as a perfect copy of him. When Bad Dude gasped, the copy of himself did the same a second later. When Bad Dude jumped up and down on the spot, the changeling followed suit, matching his overjoyed expression as well.

Behind Bad Dude, Chrysalis retrieved a donut from the bag and broke it into a dozen tiny pieces. She used her horn to levitate a piece over to the Bad Dude copy, who gobbled it up greedily. After he swallowed, his eyes lit up and he ran to Bad Dude to tightly hug him before hurrying over to Chrysalis with pleading eyes.

Chrysalis shook her head. “Nope! You’ve had your piece. Anymore and you’ll get sick.” She added to Bad Dude, “When a changeling copies a pony, we also copy a lesser version of their stomachs and the like, allowing us very small portions of food; although anything bigger than a bite would be bad. Okay, who’s next?”

Over the next handful of minutes, her drones walked up one by one and took on the form of Bad Dude before receiving a nibble of donut. Most had close to the same reaction as the first changeling that approached—an instant love and admiration of sweet and greasy pastries.

At least this let Bad Dude feel more at ease in front of all of them. Instead of glaring at him with concern, the drones (now appearing like several dozen versions of himself) looked at him with mild amounts of awe. Bad Dude was almost getting sore by the constant barrage of hugs.

“Do you think…?” Bad Dude started hesitantly after his donuts had been gorged. “Queen Chrysalis, do you think we could play a quick game of hide and seek since there’s so many of me right now? I’ve always wanted to play that game with a bunch of foals, but none of the kids at school ever want to.”

“Hide and seek, Bad Dude?” Chrysalis said snidely. “Not too childish for a great villain such as yourself?”

“Me and Discord play hide and seek all the time!” he admitted proudly. “In other dimensions, too.”

Chrysalis chuckled. “I only kid, Bad Dude. You are my guest, so we shall do what you wish. I shall give you… what? Sixty seconds to hide?” All warmth left her face and she frowned at him deeply. “And then the moment those sixty seconds expire, I will hunt you down and not stop until I find you.”

Bad Dude’s ears flattened against his head and he gulped.

She flashed him a smile. “And call me Chrysalis. We’re supposed to be partners, aren’t we?”

***

Twenty seconds after Chrysalis turned her back to them, Bad Dude ran in the opposite direction with the multiple dozen Bad Dude copies nipping at his heels. Some dispersed and went down different halls, while some took off their disguise to fly up to unreachable alcoves hidden deep in shadows.

When he got to the end of a tunnel and had no where else to turn, he spun around to the two Bad Dude’s still following behind him. He asked, “Could you two fly me up somewhere to hide?”

The changelings glanced at each other before dropping their appearances and hooking two legs around Bad Dude’s middle. In a flurry of wings, they hurriedly rose into the air before setting him down in a small pitch-black cave. Bad Dude poked his head out to glance down below. By this point in time, his eyes must’ve adjusted to the gloom in the place, because he could actually make out most everything below him.

Chrysalis entered the hallway not a second later and began going from secret crevice to secret crevice in search of him. She pulled out four Bad Dude copies and gave each one of them a little shake before they returned to their original form. She glanced up the hall.

“I will find you, Bad Dude!” she declared. “Mark my words!”

Bad Dude had to stifle his giggles with a hoof. He was having way too much fun doing this.

Why did Discord think villains couldn’t have other villain friends? he thought oddly.

He peeked over the lip of his small cave again and found the hall below him empty. He smirked. Chrysalis hadn’t even been able to—

Found you!” Chrysalis screamed as she appeared right in front of him, her mane wild and her eyes filled with venomous fury.

Bad Dude screamed and shielded himself with two hooves. Then he lowered them when he heard the sound of Chrysalis laughing.

Should have… seen the look on your face…” she said through bouts of giggles. She wiped away a freefalling tear. “That was enjoyable, Bad Dude. I haven’t been in this part of the hive for quite some time. Remind me we need to dust in here soon.”

Chrysalis flew him down after he climbed onto her back and wrapped his legs around her shoulders. He didn’t see how wings so thin could support them both, but somehow they flew just fine. Chrysalis was a whole lot cooler than his history books had suggested.

Back on the ground, Bad Dude told her, “I’m glad those other changelings liked the donuts. I just wish I could’ve brought you something.”

Chrysalis waved a hoof. “That’s all right, Bad Dude. I’m glad you came. It gives us a chance to talk about the future.”

Bad Dude’s eyes shot open. “I know! You said changelings eat love, right?”

“Well, yes, I—”

Before she could finish her sentence, Bad Dude wrapped himself around one of her legs and rubbed his face into her shell. Chrysalis jolted and her cheeks puffed out. When she finally opened her mouth, she belched loud enough to echo down the rest of the hallway.

Softly, she pushed Bad Dude away while rubbing at her stomach. “Wow. That was rich. And filling, too.”

Bad Dude extended two hooves to her. “Want another one?”

Chrysalis shook her head adamantly. “Oh, no, no, no. I have to keep my figure thin and trim, Bad Dude. A large part of villainy is our appearance, is it not?” She glanced at his cape and he nodded in return. “So did you have fun with my children today?”

He agreed at once. “Totally! They were so much fun to play with, even if they did all look like me. I had no idea it was so much fun playing with yourself! I’d play with myself all day long if I could!”

In a heap of giggles, Chrysalis crumpled to the floor, tears welling up in both eyes.

Bad Dude looked at her bemused. “What did I say?”

Chrysalis snorted. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“So does this mean you’ll join my league of super villains, then?”

Her laughter dried and she got to her hooves again. “Your what? I thought you came here to join my hive, Bad Dude. What did you have in mind exactly?”

He extended a hoof below his cape to extend it outwards dramatically. “The Coalition of United Terrible Evils! All of Equestria’s most feared villains teaming up to take on the world!” He looked at her expectantly. “Sounds cool, right?”

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “Sounds rather difficult and near impossible. Who is part of this group already?”

“Well, there’s me… and Discord…”

She pursed her lips. “Discord… you ever thought of betraying him and coming to work for me instead?”

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t do that! Discord’s my friend.”

“Villains aren’t supposed to have friends, Bad Dude.”

He stomped a hoof angrily. “Why does everyone keep saying that? Villains can have other villain friends! Why not?”

“Usually because they end up backstabbing each another until there’s no one left standing.”

“Okay, but all we got to do is not do that. It’s simple!”

Chrysalis thought for a while. “Who else do you have planned for this little group of yours?”

“Well, next I’m going to go see King Sombra and convince him to join. He sent me his cape after my run in with the Princesses.”

She looked at him surprised. “Sombra’s still alive? Didn’t he blow up into a million tiny pieces a few years back?” She stopped herself. “I’ll tell you what, Bad Dude, since I like you quite a bit and think you have a lot of potential in the world of villainy: if you get Sombra on board, I’ll give your little team a go. I won’t guarantee much, but I will admit it does all sound rather tempting. Although if I did join, my first order of business would be kicking Discord out.”

“Thank you, Chrysalis! I know you won’t regret it!” Without realizing what he was doing, Bad Dude lunged forward again and wrapped Chrysalis up in another hug. What followed was a belch that made the first one sound more like a pin drop.

After it was over, Chrysalis told him wearily, “You really need to start warning me before doing that.”

Bad Dude stared down at his hooves again. “Okay.”

Author's Note:

Next up is Sombra! :yay:

Used a picture of a character called Shady Daze because he seemed closest to how I'd imagine Bad Dude minus cape. If anyone can find anything better, please let me know. I suck at finding images. :unsuresweetie:

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