Shadow of the past

by CaiusTheShadowPony

Wish of a dying star Part 1

A cold wind blew across the mountains, sweeping up dust and causing the leaves of the bushes to rustle. A small company of guards patrolled the area surrounding their camp, keeping their eyes peeled for any signs of enemies either hiding in nearby bushes or along the ridges.

"I hope we don't have any incident's tonight." Said a young unicorn stallion his black coat making him almost invisible in the pitch black in the shadows, his two companions a white Pegasus mare and a light brown earth pony began to chuckle at his nervous behavior. The mare turned around to face him a mocking smile on her face.

"Whats the matter Black Star you scared huh?" She walked towards him stopping just in front of his face, standing on her hind legs and waving her forelegs in the are mockingly. "Afraid the zombie ponies are gonna get ya?"

The earth pony stallion had crept up behind Black Star, extending his right hoof out to tap him on the back while shouting. "BOO!" The startled unicorn leaped into the air shouting bloody murder, before falling backwards into a nearby bush as his companions rolled on the floor in laughter. Black Star stood up and dusted himself of before turning to the two, his eyes full of anger at the prank they had pulled on him.

"That wasn't funny Forest Rain." Black Star yelled at the Pegasus mare as he stared daggers at her.

"No you're right... It was hilarious, you should have seen the look on your face. What do you think Rocky Road?" Asked the mare wiping a tear from her eye.

"I have to agree with you Forest, not even my little sister's scream is as girly." Said the stallion trying his hardest not to burst into another fit of laughter.

"The minions of lord Grogar are nothing to laugh about!" Said a gruff voice from behind the group, startled they spun around to be greeted by an old unicorn wearing a blue cloak decorated with moons, stars, and bells that jingled when he moved. He also had a long curly white beard that hung from his chin stopping at his chest. It didn't take long for the three guards to recognize the elderly unicorn wizard in front of them, standing at attention they saluted.

"Starswirl!" The three said in unison, the elderly wizard looked them over, his eyes were bloodshot and had bags beneath them.

"This is a war!, I advise you take it more seriously."

The guards hung their heads in shame.

"Starswirl sir. Is it true that Grogar and his army destroyed the Troggle kingdom and its neighboring villages in a single night?" Asked Black Star, as he lifted his head to look at the old wizard.

Starswirl sighed before nodding. "Yes, I'm afraid it's all true, one moment they were happy and content, and the next they were brought to the brink of extinction, and those who still lived by the end have now become slaves. Maker help them."

The old wizard raised his head to look at the moon before turning back to the guards. "Sun up is in six hours. Forest Rain, head to the barracks and inform Dustkicker and her squad that it's their turn to stand watch."

"Understood sir." Said the Pegasus as she took to the air and flew in the direction of the camps barracks.

The elderly unicorn turned to face the remaining two guards.

"When the two of you are relived of your post, you are to return to the barracks and get some sleep for your next mission. Rocky Road, you will be heading out with commander Headstrong to investigate the east village, meanwhile Black Star you will be accompanying myself and captain Thorny Rose to investigate the south village." Said Starswirl before turning around and making his way back to his tent in the main camp.

The south village was silent, not even the wind could be heard blowing across the ruined buildings as the group of ponies made their way through it. Pegasi combed the air looking for any signs of life but could not find any.

"Starswirl what is going on here for ponies sake? Nopony is here living or dead, where could they have gone?" Asked captain Thorny Rose as she hovered next to the old stallion, her face held a mixture of confusion and fear.

"I am unsure captain, though I can sense leftover dark magic in the air around us." Said Starswirl as he looked at the rubble and ruin that was once a happy village.

"Can you tell what spell was used sir?" Asked Black Star, his gaze shifting around the area, looking for anything that could be a clue.

"I'm afraid not. I don't particularly like to experiment with dark magic, the risk of it taking over is to great." The elderly unicorn replied as he wiped sweat from his brow.

"Captain something is approaching from the air to the south!" Shouted one of the Pegasi guards from above their positions.

Turning to face south, the group squinted their eyes to try and make out the shape of the thing flying towards them. It's movements were unstable as it flew, almost like it was hurt. As it got closer it's golden armor became visible.

"I think it might be one of the guards from commander Headstrong's team, and he looks hurt." Said Black Star as he watched the figure draw closer to their position, once they were about thirty hooves from them, Black Star noticed that he was covered from head to hoof in blood, a deep gash ran down his face and it looked like something had taken a bite out of his back right leg.

The stallion attempted to land on the path below him but stumbled and fell, his helmet falling from his head and rolling along the ground stopping at Starswirls hooves. The group of ponies ran to their fallen companion, lifting his head gently so he could look at them.

"What happened to you, and where are your squad?" Asked Thorny Rose, gazing at the stallions broken body as he bled onto the cold hard ground.

"We were... Attacked. Everypony else is dead." The guard stated as he coughed up blood, his face contorting in agony as he lay there.

"Attacked! Attacked by who?" Asked Thorny Rose as tried to put pressure on his wound in a vain attempt to stop the bleeding.

"We were searching the ruins for any sign of the living or dead, but we didn't find anything the place was deserted." The guard began to cough uncontrollably, his throat and mouth full of blood. Reaching into his pouch Black Star pulled out a canteen of water and allowed the injured stallion to drink from it. He coughed once more before continuing his story.

"We were about to head back to base when we heard this noise, it sounded like somepony ringing a bell. We looked around for the source of the noise but couldn't see anything, the next thing we hear is Rocky Road screaming from an alleyway. Turning the corner we found him and one of the villager and it had him pinned to the ground as it tore out is insides and started eating them."

The others looked at the stallion in shock, not believing what they had heard, as the guard continued.

"Then commander Headstrong bucked it in the head sent it flying out the other end of the alleyway. Rocky Road had already died from a combination of blood loss and shock, but we didn't have time to worry about him more of those thing started coming out of the rubble, smashing their way out of the buildings. We turned to run down the alley but the one that jumped Rocky was standing there, half of it's face smashed in. We tried to fight our way out but they just kept coming, in the end only me and the commander were left, one of them took a bite out of my leg so i bucked it off of me. Once the commander realized he wasn't making it out alive he told me to head here and inform you."

"Rest easy soldier, you did Equestria proud. Now if you hang in there we'll get you back to base and have you patched up by some pretty nurses." Said Thorny Rose trying to put on a brave smile. She knew it was a lie and so did everypony else.

The guards ears perked up as if he heard something on the wind calling out to him.

"Can you hear it, the bell the b-b-bell." And with that the guards eyes closed, his body went limp.

"DAMN IT!" Shouted Thorny Rose as her hoof hit the ground in frustration, tears streamed down her cheek.

"What did he mean by the bell?" Asked a Pegasus guard as he gazed around at the group. "I don't hear anything."

"Everypony be quiet for a second." Said Starswirl as he closed his eyes and began focusing on his hearing. Black Star did the same

"Ding... Ding... Ding." The sound of a bell could be heard gently echoing off of there surroundings.

light wheezing could be heard coming from the guard. Noticing this Thorny Rose shuffled over to him wiping the tears from her eyes she smiled.

"I knew you were tougher than that, come on lets get you to those nurses." she laughed as she bent down to help him up

"No Thorny Rose stay back!!!" Shouted Starswirl as he spun around to face her.

The dead guard groaned as it lunged forward in an attempt to sink its teeth into Thorny Rose's neck. Using her wings and hooves to push herself back, she narrowly avoided the bite. Quickly spinning around she bucked him in the chest causing him to stumble back, his red glwing eyes stared at her hungrily.

Suddenly a scream was heard from behind them, turning around they saw one of the former village guards with his spear rammed through a unicorn mare through her side, just then another spear held by a different guard was thrust into her neck turning her screams into gurgles.

One of the other battle mage's panicked and attempted to run to safety. He didn't get far before an axe was lodged in the side of his head instantly killing him. The owner of the axe stepped out from around the corner, stepping on the stallions back and grabbing the handle, he pulled it free with a sickening crack.

Starswirl was doing his best to keep the creatures off of himself and anypony nearby, but every time he put one down it would just get back up again. The use of his magic began to weaken him, he was not as young as he use to be, and it was showing during this fight. seeing no other way out Starswirl turned to the only two survivors left besides himself.

"Thorny Rose, Black Star, stand here next to me. I am about to use a long distance teleportation spell." He shouted as his horn began to crackle with magic.

"Yes sir." Replied the two as they stood side by side with the wizard, a bright light enveloped their senses as they were zapped from one spot to another. once the light dissipated they saw that they had arrived in the center of the base camp. Thorny Rose and Black Star smiled at each other.

"You did it Starswirl y-." Thorny Rose's words were cut short as she saw the elderly unicorn laying on the ground blood coming from his nose while he grasped at his heart.

"Somepony get a medic now!!!" shouted the captain to the guards around her "You are not gonna die on me you old geezer, you here me. We have lost to many ponies today."

A team of medical ponies carrying a stretcher pushed there way through the crowd, lifting Starswirl up and gently placing him on it.

"Get him to the operation tent stat." called the head nurse as she guided the team and patient to their destination.

Black star bent down and picked up the old wizards hat. "He can't die, he just can't."

The sound of thunder could be heard over head as the rain cascaded down over the camp, almost as if the heavens themselves were weeping for those lost.

Author's Note:

Well it took a while but i hope the wait was worth it hope you guy liked this chapter let me know your thought in the comment section stay awesome guys and gals

Comments

[Iretis Fox]

Hello! I'm here from Commence Comments!

Your story's premise certainly has potential- I'm always down for a good ole dark fic, and this villain seems to have a pretty far reaching plot which makes me excited to see unfold. However your grammatical errors and need for editing is diminishing your work.

The first problems to face would be tense. Your first chapter wobbles back and forth between present and past tense. Pick one and stick to it. It appears you've largely decided on past, but go through your past work to ensure this decision is reflected throughout every chapter. Even though it is in the past for you, it's really important to give new viewers the best impression of your fic, which means making it readable.

Regarding your descriptions: I think in certain places you could give us much more in terms of how the environment is affecting the characters, or what the characters are feeling or thinking. You give us the bare minimum sometimes, but I so greatly want to know what the scene is supposed to look like. I think you could also benefit from reading this article: http://www.sfwriter.com/ow04.htm

Another article I'd recommend is regarding dialogue. Many of your OCs have the same voice. By that I mean, they all speak the same way- and other than you coloring the text, I cannot differentiate them. However, you did a fantastic job at the introduction of the Mane Six. Even though you didn't say who exactly was speaking which line, I immediately knew who was who. Start fleshing out your OCs a bit more- their history, personality, style; give them some oompf, and you won't need to color their text to indicate who is speaking. https://writingishardwork.com/2012/09/05/writing-believable-dialogue/

Finally the last recommendation I can give is to look at the FiMfiction's g-doc on editing and grammar. I think it will give you some great direction for the future. I'd also suggest reading your chapters outloud to yourself before posting. That can help you catch many errors. Getting an editor I think would be EXTREMELY helpful to you- I'd suggest getting one who is willing to constantly poke you for more if they think you do not give enough details in the first try.

But like I said; you have a very promising idea. I wish you well and will be watching your progress.

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

7364079 Thank you very much for your advice, and for reading my story. I will definitely look into those, and try to get an editor at some point, before I release the next chapter.

Thank you and have a nice day

[Iretis Fox]

7365209

It's my pleasure to help you out. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask here or in PMs. :) Good luck!!