Derpy's New Job

by Night Princess

Derpy's New Job

Derpy's New Job

Times can be hard. Sometimes a mail-carrying job just doesn't bring enough bacon for a mare and her filly. Sometimes the manager of the mail-carrying job decides they aren't making enough bits for the business. Sometimes he has to "let go" of a few employees. And sometimes theses employees happen to be clumsy, wall-eyed pegasi.

"We regret to inform you that with the success of E-Mare, the virtual letter application we are sure you are aware of, our profits are dwindling. To solve this problem, we are releasing you, possibly temporarily. Enclosed is a three-month's pay. We hope to see you again,

The Equestrian Postal Service."

Derpy Hooves put down the letter. "So I don't have to go to work tomorrow? Is that what they're saying?"

Her daughter, Dinky Doo, sighed. "No, mom, they fired you."

Derpy's eyes widened. A look of terror came upon her face. "Fired..."

"Yeah. We're screwed."

(Here, I must apologize for Dinky's behavior. She is rapidly approaching puberty and experiencing behavior changes. Please excuse her.)

"But why?" The grey Pegasus whined.

"Do you want me to read the letter again?"

"No, Dinky. We have more important matters to discuss." She threw the letter and envelope across the room, and it landed perfectly in a trash bin. "Would you take a letter?"

"Fine," Dinky sighed.

Derpy cleared her throat and began to dictate. "Dearest Carrot Top. I have just been fired from my job."

"Wait a minute, why are you writing to Carrot Top again? Last time I checked, she runs a small carrot business. Not a..." Dinky struggled to find a good word. "...place where they find jobs."

"I just remembered that I haven't talked to Carrot Top in a long time," Derpy sighed. "She gets lonely."

"Focus, mom! You're currently unemployed and we need to fix that."

(Here I want to mention the fact that some people reading this may be unemployed like Derpy. Why, may I ask, are you reading fan fiction? More importantly, why aren't you following Dinky's advice? Go out there and don't finish reading this fic until you have a decent job. And I don't mean Burger King!)

Dinky Doo turned on her handy-dandy laptop and began typing in something. Her expression went from frustrated to concentrated.

"Are you on Facehoof? I saw that funny picture you put up. I like how you made yourself look like a duck!" Derpy laughed, naive.

"Mommmmm, first of all, it's called HoofBook. Second of all, making a face like that isn't supposed to be funny. It's supposed to look cool. And third, I'm not on HoofBook, I'm searching for a job for you." Dinky didn't take her eyes off the screen.

"Ooh! Let me see!" The former mail mare flew over to the computer to see what her daughter was doing.

"I sent these guys an E-mare with your current situation," Dinky explained, proud of herself for using big, grown up words. "They will reply soon with a suggestion on what to do."

Derpy put her hoof to her chin as if she had a beard and was stroking it. A long moment of silence followed.

"You know, I was thinking about clouds," she said finally.

Dinky sighed again. Hopefully the ponies at FindAJob would do what their name suggested, and fast. Having her mother at home was bad on her nerves.

###

"Dinky! Come down! I have great news!"

Dinky Doo threw her iTrot on her bed, leapt up, and ran down the stairs. "Didja get a job? Didja didja didja?"

Derpy was standing at the bottom of the stairs, smiling. "Nope! I made cranberry-artichoke muffins! It's a recipe Carrot Top got rid of. I'm so glad I talked to her."

"Is that it? I literally broke my neck coming down these stairs!"

"Oh, yeah, and those ponies you sent an E-mare to replied."

"What'd they say?" Dinky dashed to the Laptop and read the E-mare. They had indeed found her mother a job, and just in time. Hopefully Derpy would start her job before Dinky had to try her new recipe.

"Mom, you gotta sign this contract." Dinky printed out a couple sheets of paper and handed them to her mom.

"Alright, what's it for again?"

"Your new job! Geez, weren't you paying attention?"

Derpy scratched her head. "What's the job for?"

Dinky re-read the E-mare. "Oh, okay. It's for writing jingles and slogans for this advertising company. You'll do great! Just sign here."

Derpy picked up a pen with her mouth and scrawled her name where Dinky pointed.

"Now we mail this," Dinky folded up the paper, dropped it in an envelope, and then tossed it in the mailbox. "You'll be great at your new job, mom! Just great!"

Derpy watched silently as the mail mare collected the mail. "That would have been me, doing that job," she sighed.

"Don't feel bad. Your new job is going to be waaaay cooler!"

###

Derpy showed up at her new job bright and early. The advertisement agency building was more of a small apartment, with no more than five employees. Clearly they were as down on their luck as Derpy was.

"Ah, Miss Hooves. We're delighted that you decided to work for our little business." A yellow stallion with a brown mane walked up to her and shook her hoof. "Delighted, just delighted."

"Where should I start?" Derpy asked, using the phrase Dinky suggested.

"You're already doing such a good job! Just follow me." The stallion lead her to a door, which lead to an office no more than a slightly oversized closet. "Sit at the desk and just write us a song. About anything! We'll work it into one of our commercials. It's as simple as that!" He sat Derpy down on a chair, in front of a desk and computer. Then he left. Derpy was alone in the tiny office, bewildered. Write a song? Just write a song and get money? Easy as pie.

She flipped on the computer and began to type.

###

"Done already?"

Derpy stood in front of her new boss (whose name was Batteries Not Included, as she learned) a piece of paper in her mouth.

"Well, let's hear it. Can you sing?"

Derpy nodded enthusiastically. She opened her mouth and sang.

"Now and then I think of when we were a feather.

Like when you said you felt so Derpy you could pie.

Told myself that you went right for cheese, but ravioli in your apple tree.

But that was cow and it's an ant I still remember.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sandwich.

Like imagination to the end, always the end.

So when I found that I did not make sense, well you said that we would still be muffins.

But I'll admit I was glad I'm not Rover.

But I didn't have to shut it off

Make out like it never happened and that we were muffins!

And I don't even need your dove, but you treat me like a ranger and I feel so tough.

No you didn't have to fly in the dough!

Have your friends collect your mustard and then change your lumber!

I guess that I don't need that snow,

Now you're just somepony that I used to-"

"Wait. Where did you come up with this?"

Derpy shrugged. "I dunno, just kind of popped into my brain, I guess."

Batteries Not Included made a face. "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can use that at the moment. No, more like the century."

Instead of feeling angry, Derpy was surprised. "Why?"

"Because...it's... Now, don't be offended, but only an idiot would come up with something like that."

She still wasn't angry. Derpy shrugged it off, turned, and headed back to her office. She was confident to do this right.

###

"And you're sure this is better than the last one?"

Derpy nodded. "I've been working on this for hours, and I'm sure you'll like it."

"All right, go ahead."

Derpy began her second song.

"I heard that you had a hoedown,

That you found a squirrel and you're Derpy now.

I heard that you have muffins too,

Guess you ate things I didn't give to you.

No, my name's not Fluttershy.

Ain't like me to hold tacks and throw them at kites

I hate to turn up out of a shoe overexcited,

But I couldn't fly away, I couldn't write it.

And if you played chess, you'd be reminded,

That for the squirrel, it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find-"

"Stop, stop, stop! This is almost as bad as the last one!" Batteries stood up and began breathing into a paper bag.

"B-but, I made it emotional! It was a message to anypony who had once lost a loved one! Doesn't that sound like a nice song?"

"If you like disgusting. I'm sorry, Miss Hooves. But no. Just, no."

The surprise she felt when she was first rejected turned into sorrow. She nodded sadly.

"I'll give you one more chance to write a good song. And if you can't... Well, I'll have to release you."

"Release"? That meant "let go". Which meant "fire". Which meant Derpy's next song better be pretty good if she wanted to keep a job.

###

Derpy scribbled furiously on the piece of paper, pouring imagination and creativity from her heart to the page. Surely this would be enough to convince him that she was good enough for this job, and a talented song writer!

She stopped writing and read it. Not enough emotion! Not enough feeling!

She scribbled and scribbled until she simply couldn't scribble any more.

Derpy read it one last time and nodded. It was ready.

###

"I don't have all day, you know. I have other things-"

"But this song is the best one yet!" Derpy waved the paper in the air.

"Let's get this over with."

With a few coworkers gathered around, Derpy started singing.

"You're immature, don't know what for,

I write you songs and you kick me out the door-or-or,

With a clever rhyme

It's not a crime

Yet when I offer songs you treat me like I'm sli-i-ime!

Everyone else in the agency can see it,

Everyone else but you,

Baby I can write songs like nopony else

And this injustice is making me overwhelmed,

When you hear a good song it ain't hard to tell ,

You don't know, oh oh!

You don't know I'm talented!

If only you saw what I can see,

You'll understand why I sing here so desperately,

Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,

You don't know, oh oh!

You don't know I'm talented, oh oh,

That's what makes me talented!"

The employees erupted in applause. Derpy bowed and blushed modestly. Could it be? Was her song as good as she hoped it would?

"The worst one yet. Really, how did you come up with that?" Batteries shook his head.

"Yeah, that kinda sucked," a mare who had previously been applauding said.

"Why are we even here?" Another pony asked.

The small crowd shuffled off, leaving Derpy alone with her boss.

"But do I keep my job?" She asked nervously.

"What? No, you're fired. But thanks for trying. Really."

Discouraged, Derpy walked out of the building and back to her home.

###

"Soooo, how'd your first day of work go?" Dinky asked her mother happily as she got home.

"I got fired," was the reply. Derpy flopped on the couch and groaned.

"What? But they said it was perfect for you!" Dinky gave an exasperated facehoof. "I guess I'll send them another email do they can find you another job." She began to turn on the computer.

"No, Dinky. If I failed at one job, I'll fail at another." Derpy covered her face with a pillow.

But Dinky had already opened E-mare and was studying the screen. "Hey, Equestrian Postal Service sent you an email."

"They probably want me to know how well they're doing without me," the Pegasus sighed.

"Here's what it says: 'Hey, Derpy! We noticed you weren't at work today and boss got pretty mad. Don't freak out, but somepony said that their second cousin's friend saw you working in their wive's uncle's advertising agency, and boss kinda got mad about that. So you better have an excuse if you show up tomorrow, cuz he's madder than a pig with a bacon burger.

See ya,
Raindrops.'" Dinky looked up. "But I thought they fired you!"

Derpy's eyes flew open. "Let me see," she said, pushing Dinky aside so we could sit in front of the computer.

She read and re-read the E-mate until she was sure she understood it perfectly. "They didn't fire me at all!"

"Then who in the hoof told you they fired you?"

Derpy thought for a moment and then reached a verdict.

"Dinky, take a letter."

###

Rainbow Dash peeked into her mailbox, and, sure enough, a letter marked with a lightning bolt with two wings lay inside. She let out an excited squee and raced inside with the letter in tow.

Once inside her cloud home, she ripped open the letter and read it:

"Congratulations, Ms. Rainbow Dash. You have been selected to join the Wonderbolts. Please meet Spitfire and Soarin' at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow at two P.M. for further information."

Rainbow squeed once more, completely oblivious to the fact that Pinkie Pie would be waiting with enough juvenile practical jokes to stop an army. She too had been the victim of a Rainbow Dash prank, and nopony sends Pinkie Pie a fake email for receiving a lifetime supply of cupcakes and gets away with it.

###

After several weeks of returning to her "old" job, Derpy became happier with her current position. After all, her job was a lot better than some ponies had.

But sometimes Dinky would catch her mom sitting in her room, writing songs and singing to herself. At first she was annoyed with it, especially when she had friends over. However, she soon became used to Derpy's ditties, and once in a while sang along.

"Now and then I think of when we were a feather.

Like when you said you felt so Derpy you could pie.

Told myself that you went right for cheese, but ravioli in your apple tree.

But that was cow and it's an ant I still remember.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sandwich.

Like imagination to the end, always the end.

So when I found that I did not make sense, well you said that we would still be muffins.

But I'll admit I was glad I'm not Rover.

But I didn't have to shut it off

Make out like it never happened and that we were muffins!

And I don't even need your dove, but you treat me like a ranger and I feel so tough.

No you didn't have to fly in the dough!

Have your friends collect your mustard and then change your lumber!

I guess that I don't need that snow,

Now you're just somepony that I used to-"

"Mom! Wrong note, again! Ugh."

The End

Comments

[DaughterScrewball]

Really funny, but the inside messages could be offensive to some people... This has great potential to be featured, but if enough people are offended by the messages it might not be. Anyway, maybe you should remove the thing about the jobs. Still a great story

[archonofmusic]

That was adorable!

Rainbow Dash has no idea what she's in for. And it will be hilarious.

[Derpy Fan 4eva]

BUCK YOU!! I can do whatever the buck I want at 1:42 am. Y do you think I'm even reading this anyways if I wasn't unemployed? It isn't easy to find a job! And more importantly-
....
Y am I screaming at a story character
I need to go to sleep

[Derpy Fan 4eva]

[Shadowscas Neophyte]

Good

[Thorlol]

Good references

[Master Pancake]

I liked it, but like DaughterScrewball said you should remove the meta bits, it really detracts from the story. I really liked the nonsense songs.

[Fluttermac4ever]

Are the ditties supposed to have the tunes of real songs?

[BronyMike]

...You really don't get how difficult the employment market can be, do you? And fuck you for insulting Burger King jobs. Work is work, people have to do whatever they can to get by, and there's no shame in fast food work.

[DanMcIntosh]

I...people like this? Like...there are plenty of plot holes and syntax errors in this, and the concept is decent enough, but...I just don't get it.

[Ecstatic]

Comedy tag, why have you failed me so horribly?

Cracked a smile at Rainbow Dash getting off-screen comeuppance though.

[Skyeheart]

Funny, but the cracks on jobs and employment are actually pretty offensive. Trust me, I have friends who are unemployed, they laughed at this too, but you obviously don't know what they've gone through. Employers these days are super picky and tight, even franchises. You're either the absolute perfect fit, know their job inside and out before you even start, or you're still looking.

Humor alone cannot forgive your ignorance on this issue, thumbs down I'm afraid.