Rarity has always admired Fluttershy for her beauty, both inside and out. Fluttershy has had a crush on her generous friend for years. They both become nervous wrecks on the inside when they see each other, unbeknownst to the other party. But after one of their spa dates, their true feelings come out, and the two ponies find comfort in each other's arms.
Page generated in 0.095 seconds
Total duration
1,075 users online
1,959,915 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ahhh Flarity. Beautifu. Some minor issues with grammar and spelling, but nothing a quick polish-job won't fix.
A good idea, but you push the story too fast. I can understand skipping scenes to build more tension and to make the emotional parts really get to your readers, but you also need to set up the scene. Instead of just saying 'they walked up to a restaurant', say something like 'they walked up to a small bistro in the middle of of town, with a patio surrounded by grape vines. The patio had a small crowd, but the two mares were able to easily get a seat.' I did enjoy the fact that you mentioned exactly what Rarity and Fluttershy had to eat, but then it is as if the food no longer exisists.
Another thing about slowing down is the ability to really expand on what the characters are feeling.you kinda skip from friendship to attracted to love in the course of a few hours. Instead of just having the feelings show up, show the reactions and the realizations that both of them have when they reach the conclusion that they have fallen for one of their friends.
Overall, I see much potential for this story, but it needs to see the fine tooth comb of a few prereaders. I'll keep an eye one this story to see how you change and develop things. Also sorry about this wall of text, I'm a bit long winded.
715062 Crap. I always feel like I get bogged down when I write, so I tried to get to the point on this one. I didn't realise how much I had affected the storytelling. Now that I read your comment, I think you're absolutely right. Time for revision 2. Not a bad story for 4 hours of work early in the morning, though.
715062 I've made some fixes, but nothing too revolutionary. Do you mind if I use your exact quote for the restaurant scene? It was exactly what I was picturing when I wrote this!
714674 Could you point out some specific errors? I ran it through Microsoft Word and didn't find anything, but everyone knows how weird and finicky that program's grammar check is. I couldn't stand to have an imperfect story because of something so stupid and trivial, and I can't catch grammar in my own work to save my life (I probably know exactly what I mean, so I unintentionally auto-correct it as I read it).
716316
Hey man, no worries. Believe me, I've had to work hard to get over the need to rush through the scenes. And feel free to use the restaurant line, I have no real attachment to it. If ya have any other questions, feel free to ask me.
First thing that leaped out was the missing capitalization on "the" in Rarity's description near the start. I'm on my phone so going back and forth is difficult.
What also struck me was that the italicized internal asides couldn't keep focus, they were both omniescent and personal.
717509 Fixed the "the" thing. I understand what you mean by the italics. The "I's were supposed to indicate that the character was... idunno, sort of talking to themselves in their head? The rest was just supposed to be their loose thoughts, not really directed anywhere. I get confused re-reading it myself, and I'm the one that wrote it! I'm still looking for a way to make the internal asides clearer, so bear with me. For now, though, I'm just going to assume that everyone can see what I'm trying to (badly) communicate. Thanks for letting me know it was confusing, though. I originally wasn't going to fix it. I appreciate the help!
720798
My pleasure. I love a good Flarity and I want to see them looking beautiful.
I have to stop reading incomplete work, I always get upset when I find that there is no end yet. Still a great story so far, I can't wait to read more.
722775 Guess what. You're special.
I was originally going to leave the story as it was and re-tag it "Complete". But specifically because you left that comment, I'll write more. 
Working on a more 'epic' story at the moment, 
but it's going to be pretty long, so I'll probably take a break and add on to this. You can definitely count on more Rarishy in the next story, though, so don't be upset if I end this one sooner than you had hoped. (There will be PinkieDash, OctaveScratch, and Lyra/Bon-Bon in it too, for future reference.)
723009 I appreciate your decision to write more, you can take all the time you need to add on to this, maybe when you can't add on to your other story. I'll have to read that one also!
723114 I can't say much about it yet, but I can say that it's a Lord of the Rings style adventure featuring the Mane 6, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Lyra, Bon-Bon, Derpy, Cadence, and all 3 major villains. The first chapter should be up by Monday, but I can't promise that it will be good enough to read until Tuesday or Wednesday. I like to make corrections based on suggestions from an audience, so I can't promise it will be perfect. I'm really excited about the idea, though!