Hello, I'm Kato. Nice to meet you.
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A human is brought to Equestria by unknown forces and encounters a fabulous city full of snobs.
He then discovers he can absorb their power and use it for himself.
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Tags will be added as the story progresses.
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A special thank you, to my editor, Muranuse, for making this story worthwhile.
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He is how Tirek. Right??
6793529 well, he can do Tirek does, but he just takes the replenishable energy that is consumed when ponies do magic.
6795176
Well he does not remove completely the magic of a pony?
6798110 No, in my story, the ponies, and other such creatures have their "Native Magics" which is like their type of magic, a Unicorn has Unicorn Native magic, and they convert the latent magic in Equestria to unicorn magic that they can use, which the main character absorbs so that he can use it. Tirek takes the Native magic of ponies, and other species.
Well, this was way better than I expected. There are some my favourite elements of a HiE fic: the character freaking out, trying to figure out where they are and that little bit of humor that only a human can provide. Though, this is in dire need of editing. If you send me a PM, then I can give you a few pointers.
So I open up the chapter and the second word - can't - is missing the apostrophe. All of the dubious faith in the story is instantly lost. This is a problem that can be fixed by simply copying and pasting the story into a word editor, even a free one, and then going through the spell check. Something that will take at the very most 10 minutes and less than half that if you can move quickly.
And then I look at the most recent comment, and decide to give the story another shot. Simply because the author appears lazy and bad at grammaring does not mean the story has a bad plot. What I am trying to do is illustrate how important grammar is to how a story is perceived. Please fix the grammar/spelling.
And now on to actually read the story.
EDIT:
I read the story. It has an interesting, if not original, premise. However it is written poorly. The descriptions are bland and unexciting. Basically, A does B. B causes C. A uses C to do D.
Not exciting.
However if you write it like this:
A starts sweating as he tries to do B. A can hear the clattering of G. They're getting closer! Finally, B happens. Good, C is happening, just as expected. But G is getting just a little too close. Quickly, A takes F out of his pocket and sends it shooting down the hallway, buying him some time. A does D. Success! ...Crap.
Suddenly the story is alive. There is tension, you feel what A feels. With your story there isn't really any tension. Also, things that are obvious don't need to be explained. If B is picking a lock and C is unlocking the door and D is going though the door, then you don't need to explain all of it - the readers can put those kind of clues together as in:
Anon crouched by the door, lockpicks in hand. Those guards are a lot faster than I thought they'd be. He jammed the lockpicks into the keyhole, trying to work quickly, but not too quickly. C'mon c'mon c'mon. A click emanated from the lock. Anon swiftly stuffed the tools back in his pocket before darting inside, closing the door gently behind him.
And again the story is alive, and fun to read. The word choice is interesting, and enough is explained to give the reader a good picture.
These are just some basic story snippets I came up with off the top of my head. For better writing, take a look at some of SS&E's more intelligible pieces.
6799331 Thank you, do you know any word editors I could use?
6799436
First off, edited comment.
Secondly, there is a page of willing editors somewhere on this site. However spellcheck and if you can't find the word, trying to write it phonetically usually works. Google it, as a last resort. Also thesauruses do wonders for improving word choice. Best advice? Just try to make it fun to read.
6799488 Thank you, I will revise the story soon, I just got an editor who is helping me do that, this was helpful, thank you.
At first I thought it was that centaur villain and was thinking "oh boy, some person discovering his power and gonna be actin like a villain wanna-be". So far you have proved me wrong on both parts and I like that.
I had a similar idea awhile ago but I'm too scared to do human in Equestia fics I can't wait to see where this goes and I hope to see him use his ability to remove cutie marks later on.
6799708 I dont think you will have to wait long.
It is in fact not unique. This is pretty much one-for-one the premise to Zaibatsu's "Shackles and friendship," which you can probably still find here: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/37301/shackles-and-friendship
I plan on updating next week, my internet has been delayed until next Sunday, unless it rains that day. But the next chapter will be much longer. In the meanwhile, Muranuse has revised chapter 1.
6803608 Well, thank you. I removed that part of the description.
6810438
No problem. Shackles and Friendship is in fact one of my favourite stories here and I'm happy to see someone pick the concept behind it up again. I haven't gotten around to finishing reading the first two chapters yet, but I hope you'll be doing it justice.
6810444 Thank you. I am re-writing chapter 2 now.
6810683
Frankly, you should probably rewrite the first chapter, too. The entire thing is really not very good right now. It's all "whoa, I am suddenly in a weird place and it doesn't bother me at all! Also, I have superpowers for some reason and instantly know how they work! Let's ignore all the implausibility of that and do random stuff with it!"
Having an actual introduction, giving people an idea of just who the protagonist even is and maybe having an outline of where the plot will go before you start writing it, instead of just jumping in and having a generic "random Joe Q. Nobody goes to Equestria and has magic powers for no reason" type situation would probably go a long way.
I was thinking of writing a story similar to this, now I don't have too.
I like how he doesn't feel right about draining ponies. Some might criticize you for jumping a head and not developing the character and his usage of power, but I like it, gets us too the meat of the story.
I picture/hope for a face off with Tirek.
Please, continue this story!!!
I think you re-wrote this pretty well, though I have no idea what your first draft looked like.
I still think you should add a bit more to slow down the pacing. It all feels so... rushed.
It might just be me, but I think a little context would brighten the story nicely.
6828223 Hello. I finally have internet, so I may be able to write more frequently. What do you mean by context?
P.S
Expect a new chapter before next Wednesday. Sorry, it would come sooner, but my birthdays coming up soon and we are going to my old town for the party.
6835053
The whole situation he is thrown into feels too sudden, even if you were aiming for spontaneous. Just... try to slow it down and describe things a bit more vividly. I bet you would have a lot more substance that way.
A little hit and miss here, convenient that the amulet was their, more hits than misses, but I do like it so far.
Keep going, interested to see where this road is taking us?
Update!!! Wanna know what happens!
6912329 I recently got a job, but I am writing chapter 3 now.
6966606 Great! I can't wait. Don't make him a villian. I am loving this story!
Good premise, many improvements can be implemented. Also, an explanation of his magic absorbing abilities. Is in order, at the moment he is pretty over powered, he needs a hubristic weakness. Perhaps his weakness is his own courage, not knowing when something is too dangerous and overestimating his own physical abilities. Either way, he needs a kriptonyte like superman. He is too overpowered and we, as the audience need to know his limits, try to explore this in the future chapters.
7020543 Well, the third chapter is going to be released sometime this week, and I have not updated in a long time, so hopefully my editor is still on fimfiction, and in a position where he can edit the chapter before I put it out, as he is very helpful and necessary.
Anyways, I was planning on having a weakness more centered on his limited magical abilities.
It may seem like his magic is too powerful now, but who's magic was he actually using?
7094943 Eeyup!
I'm still around.
Just got caught up in the Code: Lyoko fandom. There's no denying; its a great show, but I'm not planning to ditch the Pones any time soon.
7098492 Awesome, glad to have you editing!
Eh, I got the feeling that I should favorite this before I even started reading. I'm still writing in blood, because that ONE story killed me with the Fluttershy shipping. May we not speak its meta name.
MOAR
7110646 I was thinking that the weakness would be that Unicorn magic is centered around a pony's special talent. Like, a barber can cast low-level spells not related to barbering, but the barber can only cast spells related to barbering.
7110561 Lunashy?
7110772
...Dalekshy
7110851 So... You were reading a doctor who crossover and you didn't expect that ship? Oh well at least it's not as bad as it could of been. It could of been a Vashtashy ship.
I don't have time for a detailed review, but are the protagonist's mood swings supposed to be so quick?
"'My name - is Zachary Hoskins.'I whispered as a dark smile came upon my face. I threw a huge fireball at the Ponies, with the magic from the amulet. I Shook my head wildly, a terrified expression coming to my face and teleported back into the sewers I arrived in, before I could hear the screams."
This guy went from grinning evil to suddenly horrified by the violence he just committed, without even witnessing the consequences of that violence.
7111118 I meant to have a short pause in that time, but it was supposed to be very quick. I'm going to edit it real quick.
Hey! I was itchin for this to update! Glad you did!
7111487 Me too.
why was there a french maid there?
7281952 Because rich people have maids sometimes.
Osmosis?
Get to the end of chapter three oooooOooOooo; see no other chapters awwwww
Hey dude can you make more to this story please I'm interested beyond belief
Pls make more you are awesome
Yes
Wait so a human tirek? I feel it would be more interesting if he absorbed buy couldn't use it
Dead?