• Member Since 30th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen Jun 17th, 2019

pikammd


Hey all, I'd rather not put too much info out there right away, but feel free to chat with me. I warm up quick.

E

What happens when a new mares comes to Ponyville and becomes an integral part in everyone's lives? Little Star, or better known as Estrella, is a new Earth pony arriving in Ponyville by train. She carries no luggage and only wears a cloak Princess Celestia loaned to her. With a past to make many shudder but the chance to have a life outside of that and a kind disposition, who knows what'll happen? And what else is brought along? A familiar fashionable unicorn mare meets our skittish new friend at the train to lead her to the castle when confusion ensues. A tentative friend of ours, Discord, is stirring up trouble! Before long, our new friend is left alone, and an entire new adventure ensues. Entertaining some Chaos, meeting the Princesses, becoming friends with the mane 6, and trouble on the horizon. Nightmares, strange memories, shocking revelations, a death nopony would expect, a love of the same ilk, and much more!
Who knows what's going to happen?
~ ~ ~
Not the best description, I know, but I will play with it over time until it makes better sense. This story honestly is good, despite the paragraph above. I plan on action, secrets, strange twists, a unique look on old characters, relationships, and more! I'm also open to ANY suggestions! So, hope you enjoy!
~ ~ ~
I'd like to give out a HUGE thanks to prereader/editors that have/are helping me.
~ Malozi
~ Follow Focus
~ Eclipse Monsoon
~
I also thank everyone who's offered helpful comments as well!

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 49 )

Little Star is a cute OC and doesn't seem to have any Mary Sue traits at all so far. I'm just glad she isn't an alicorn. It's also great to see a well-written Earth Pony OC that isn't related to the Apples. :pinkiegasp:

6782936 Thank you! My drawing skills aren't wonderful but I felt I described her well. Oh dear, apples and earth ponies do mix well, do they not? :ajsmug: But no, I don't find Alicorn OC's interesting in any way unless they have a REALLY good story to go along with them. And there's simply too few of those around.
Thank you so much for the comment! ^-^ First one I've received so far. I'm glad I'm doing well with Estrella so far. Is there anything you can think of to improve on thus far?

6782965 My writing isn't the greatest ever, so I can't really give tips. I was able to read it easily, so looks fine. Any spelling or grammar errors either weren't there or went unnoticed by me. If a story is good, I don't really pay attention if a word is wrong here or there, or the grammar sounds funny in a certain place. :twilightsheepish:

6782993 Well then it's safe to assume it's either a good story or decent grammar, by your description. :scootangel: Thank you so much for the read! Hopefully I'll get chapter 2 up soon. If you read my author's notes, I have through 7 basically ready for review.

6782936 I know! For the love of Celestia, if it were another Applejack clone, suicide would be in my imminent future. :rainbowlaugh:
P.S. I tried writing a story for my OC once.
Once. And one time only.

6783841 I haven't read many like that yet, but I have a feeling I'm in for it... xD
Would it make you feel any better if the other OC I'm working on (completely different story) is an adventuring/collector earth pony? :trollestia:

6783854 Almost every single Earth pony OC ends up being a cousin/sister/brother of the Apple family! A good Earth pony OC starts out by NOT being related to them in any way ever. I mean, even the SHOW had Pinkie Pie end up being part of the Apples (maybe). :derpytongue2:

6783861 Yup! Just joined today, around...6 hours ago? Give or take. :scootangel:

6783892 Oh jeez. Are friends still ok? xD In the second one there won't even be a Mane 6 so no worries there, and Estrella would be WAY too far removed to even be considered a part of the family, even if she was related! (She's not, at all. I wanted to steer clear of being related to anypony. Just makes things cliche.)(That may make more sense after the second chapter is up. >_< We learn a little more of Estrella's upbringing then.)

Im very curious . cant wait for more:pinkiesmile:

6783986 Thank you! I hope to get chapter 2 up soon. Do you have any helpful tips or hints for one while we're waiting?

Oh, and if anyone gets REALLY curious and/or impatient, you could always drop me a message. :twilightsheepish: I may be open to sending a chapter out early, if a person or two would be so bold.

Is Discord going to try and pursue Estrella in his own special way?

6784001 Lol, I love how you asked that!
I suppose this would be a spoiler, but, pfft I'm not saying this early! Gotta wait! :P Sorry Lord.
(Really hoped I did that right! First time using a spoiler.)

6783991. Yeah just try to keep a pace u can handle with the chapters and dont rush the storyline flesh out each chapter and write down ideas for new one as u read over your own work:pinkiesmile:

6784196 I think I gave myself a "safe" start, with 7 chapters already completed. Plan was to get the first two or three out somewhat quick and then slow down the rest. Not overly so, but just enough I can keep up. These chapters are about 10 pages long on my word document, so gotta put quite the effort into each one.

Good start. I was thrown off track at some parts, but the fact of the matter stands: you grabbed my attention–and kept it. Which is the best way to start a story. Good job, and I'll be watching for more.

6784762 Thank you! I hope you love the next chapter and every one after that as much or even more than this one. ^-^
May I ask where you were thrown off?

6785123 Mostly it was when the descriptions came in–it was probably just me–but they felt rather odd, or a lot of information to take in at one time.

And I'll be glad to see the next chapter. Our drills are probably going to take our phones for a few weeks, so if they're out and I don't read them right away I apologize.

6791925 I do have a bad habit of getting overly descriptive, so sorry about that.
No worries. :twilightsmile: You'll get to it when you get to it. I'm glad you're looking forward to it though! =D

Since I read this in my phone and this is where I am typing my current comment, I'll save my review for later once I get to my laptop. But I'll tell you one thing. I like the story so far. If you're in need of pre-readers I'd be happy to lend a hand.

6797023 That would be wonderful, on both accounts! Thank you so much. ^-^ I really appreciate ever review I can get, and a pre-reader is much welcomed too. I'm very glad you are enjoying it thus far! :twilightsmile:

Okay, well, now that I'm on my laptop we can finally get started on this review. As I said before, I do like the story. I only caught a few grammar mistakes, and the one in particular (that you then proceeded to repeatedly do) is use the word 'strait' even though it's spelled right. However, you keep using that word, I do not think I know it doesn't mean what you think it means. In one definition, strait is "a narrow passage water connecting two seas or two large areas of water" and at least two other definitions that I'm not going to bother copy and pasting. Either way, you get the idea. The word you are looking for is "straight" because... well it's the correct one. Now, I could go out and point out every single error but I won't, because even though I edit my own stuff I don't point out errors for other people as to how they should write and instead let them know of the correct words to be using. I like it when other people point something out for me, like, there is a word misspelled or missing in this sentence, etc. because I will always miss something in my writing no matter how hard I think I double-checked it. I know there's something else in this story that I caught but I didn't care enough to remember it because it's not like a huge glaring error.
Now, for things to improve on. I'm not sure what to say, this is a good opening chapter and aside from what I pointed out before there isn't really much to improve on this chapter unless I start pre-reading for you, which I will be happy to do if you'd allow me.
Edit: I forgot this but one thing I was so happy that you did. Indent! I love it when people indent! Thank you! Makes it easier for me to read. Oh, and single-spaced, that was nice, too. See? Told you I forget to include things.

6799304 Thank you very much for the review! And I'm very glad you like it so far. :twilightsmile: The "strait/straight" is a problem with my auto correct. At some point I somehow got a LOT of things messed up with it, and I can't figure out how to undo it all. So all "straight's" to turn into "strait". I usually try to go back and fix the ones autocorrect "fixes" it but it completely slipped my mind this time, sorry. I'll work on that when I'm done with stuff going on outside of my laptop.
I would greatly appreciate a pre-reading, if you feel up to it. My writing is relatively spaced out but ends up long when I do get going. My grammar and spelling is better than some, but when I get writing fast a lot of that goes out the window, and reading back I miss quite a bit. It would be a wonderful help if fresh eyes could assist me, and you seem to know what you're doing. :moustache:

With her whining over with, she turned to Estrella and said

Heh heh heh, if Rarity saw that line, she would say that she wasn't whining, she was complaining. lol

6801442 Haha, yup, but she doesn't know I'm calling her whiny. :rainbowlaugh: So I can get away with it!

*Activate Error Detector*

Rarity giggled as her horn lit up as if to show off a little. “She'll talk to anyone and I just love her generosity! She's kind beyond measure!” Rarity sighed a bit then as her magic faded away, but soon perked up.

What did Rarity show off, that she could do magic? I think that would be a given, considering she's a unicorn pony.

Estrella couldn't help looking at them all and taking it in, though her attention soon became a little too focused on what was around her, rather than right in front of her.

This sentence can be broken up into two.

Estrella couldn't help looking at them all and taking it in. Though her attention soon became a little too focused on what was around her, rather than right in front of her.

“We're here to see Celestia, she sent for us.”

Again, can be broken up into two sentences.

“We're here to see Celestia. She sent for us.”

I think the paragraphs need a line break between each of them. It's little bit hard to read with them so close together.

Last issue, and it's a glaring one. If they're in Ponyville, as established in the previous and current chapters, how are they at Canterlot Castle talking with Celestia one minute and then at Fluttershy's cottage after a short walk/conversation the next? I know the show changes the time it takes to get to Canterlot from Ponyville by hours or even days, but I still think it wouldn't be that fast.

Speculation Time: Sense you specifically stated that the pony depicted in Estrella's cutie mark has the same and/or similar mainstyle to Celestia's, I believe that her special talent/destiny is to bring about the fall of Celestia's rein of Equestria. I also believe that this secret past of hers is that she was raised in a cult that wanted to use her to do just that. Maybe one that worships Nightmare Moon, considering Estrella's full name and color palette.

6806267 Thank you! ^-^

6799304 I only just read your edit. XD But thank you! I'm trying to write in an actual book fashion so hence how it's set up. I'm glad it's helping you. ^-^

6806740 Gotta say, I love your error detector!
I'm glad you caught that moment with Rarity. ;D Later there's going to be some specuilation/question about the unicorn/pegasus/earth pony standings, and that moment will be mentioned.
My turning two sentences into one is a problem of mine I'm working on. I'll go back and look at the instances you mentioned.

The "Glaring issue" You brought up is completely 100% my fault. Of the few episodes I've seen, it always seemed to me that Twilight had relatively close and easy access to the castle. I didn't realize they're two far-distant towns. I'm trying to think of how to fix that, but so far I've come up with only Celestia's visiting or Twilight opens a unicorn's version of a skype call with Celestia. xD Either option is pretty meh... So for now, I'm sorry but it is what it is until I can figure out how to fix it.

I'm so sorry, but your speculation just made me laugh. xD I did NOT expect someone to guess what's going to happen! I have to say though, that I do not have the guts to take it that far. I find Celestia very much like real world leaders and I'm okay with her in control. I like her manipulative side, etcetera. I could go on for a little while about why I like Celestia. (But I honestly like Luna a little more.)
As for the color palate, blue and gold are my favorite colors, it's as simple as that. XD I'm not that much of a deep-thinker, but it does come in handy for later moments I have planned. I'm making several Spanish references and my first Spanish teacher was named Estrelita, a way to say little star, and I've always thought it was a beautiful name/idea. Plus, again, it fits in with the plot line.
This last one I think will make you laugh. The mane style was actually thanks to the pony generator! I wanted long hair and that was one of the only options and then I just tied it in because hey, why not? XD And now it's a huge part of the plot!

Hope I didn't reveal too much with this, but a few real-world mentions are neat to explain.

6806817
I might have a solution for the glaring issue. How about you write that Celestia came to Ponyville on account of Discord's misdeeds, and an added bonus of checking to see is Estrella made it safely.

6807150 That could work! I'll lose a bit with the description of the castle, but I could save it for a later scene or some such thing. ^-^ Thank you for the help! This is why I love having actual MLP fans around. You all catch my uninformed mistakes.

I apologize again to everyone who is probably confused. I haven't seen enough episodes and honestly thought the castle was close. My bad. I'll work on fixing that here in a few minutes. Shouldn't take too long.

I'm going to temporarily take chapter 2 down until I fix the "bad spot". I'm busy making a family dinner so I can't fix it right this moment, sorry, but it should be back up before tomorrow. ^-^

6807150 Thank you again Lord, for the very helpful suggestion! I believe I have it fixed now and reposted. Enjoy everyone! =D

Amazing pacing and detail. I do not regret tracking this.:scootangel:
Also, I can only imagine what Sinsi looks like!:raritystarry:(P.S. I love foxes:derpytongue2:)

Needs better formatting. Also she considers spike kinda like a pet? I knew there was a reason spike became a dog in the human world.

7058971
How so? Looks perfectly fine to me, at least in chapter 3.

7058909 Thank you! :raritystarry: I'm glad it's worth your while!
I hope to draw the new little family (Estrella, Sinsi, and Terrice) sometime. I want a fox for a pet when I get older, (3rd generation or better) so I had to give Estrella one, and minks being one prey of foxes, it was a nice friendship tale to add. :moustache:

7058971 May I ask what could be improved in my formatting? And is this directed at chapter 3 or the whole thing?

I was not expecting Estrella to jump with Pinkie.:applejackconfused:
And what's Estrella's cutie mark ? I don't get it. :applejackconfused:

Some sort of memory reset cutie mark, or maybe a cutie mark of not dying from hitting her head lol? The grammars much better now too.

7156888 That was the plan! :pinkiehappy: Pinkie is just too much fun!
You're not suppose to understand the mark yet. It comes in later.


7157074 Something like that for the mark, lol. I haven't changed my grammar at all though, so I don't know what you're talking about for my grammar improving. All the things you mentioned before (in messages) were either personal preference or something I was doing to accentuate a character, neither of which I have changed.

7157099 A lot less run on sentences and better sentence exclamation.

7157105 It's still just my normal writing. xD

7158113 And it's still better compare the chapters.

A very good start indeed. I enjoy Little Star, she's a very pleasant and unique character with very defined character attributes and flaws (I always try to look for character flaws first in stories I read, as they are important in character development). I have no real complaints at all except the spacing in between your paragraphs and your dialogue. Also, be careful when using hyphens to create compound words, as it can lead to interruptions in the flow of a sentence. Make sure to read you sentences aloud too, that way you can be sure where to place your commas.

For instance:

She looked around at the normal-seeming little town, unsure quite what she'd find though she headed strait like she was told.

Try this instead:

She looked around at the seemingly normal little town, unsure of what she would find. Regardless, she headed straight like she was told.

Honestly, those are just little footnotes. Your pacing is good and you have an accurate sense of character. Keep it up. You're doing great work! I'll get to reading the next chapters when I can. :twilightsmile:

7162782 Thank you for the beginning review! I'm glad you're enjoying her, and she has flaws galore, I can tell you that right now. :pinkiegasp: Some good moments, but this is a messed-up pony. Mainly because I can't stand Mary Sues either, unless it's Malozi's Wrath of the Harbinger. That's a freaking awesome story!
I do have to pick back a little at your corrections though. There's a method to my madness. :trollestia: As for the spacing, I actually have an absolutely horrible time reading paragraphs with spaces between them. If I can't read it, I don't write it. Also, I believe I said in the very beginning, I'm writing in actual book format, so that's my excuse for what many people see as flaws. It's what's mostly published so that's what I'm going with. :rainbowlaugh:
I do read aloud, and based on how I want the pauses, my comma usage makes sense to me, so I'm afraid at this time I cannot understand your note on that. Could you expand please? Also on the dialogue. You mentioned but did not give examples so I have no idea what you are speaking of.
In that case of hyphenation, I wanted a little interrupt. When you say 'seemingly normal', it implies that something may fit with it's appearance and that it's nothing to think twice about. However, saying 'normal-seeming' forces you to pause, and in that pause, you contemplate whether or not there is meaning for that moment to be there. That is then kept in the back of your mind, and of course, later verified. We all know that even within the pony universe, it is not a normal town. :rainbowlaugh:
Dang you autocorrect/find and replace, I thought I got all the strait/straight problems! XD I will attempt to find and fix that... again. Thanks for that catch. There was a time when my autocorrect went completely haywire and I'm still trying to undo the damage.
Thank you again! :twilightsmile: I think some of this will end up agree to disagree but I still greatly appreciate your return. Sorry if I seem a little snippy or blunt, I've had about 4 hours decent sleep in the last 3 days so my perception of emotion is a little cockeyed right now.
I hope I can keep your attention in coming chapters! I certainly look forward to more, and my 3-week summer vacation so I can finally do some reading.

7163180

As a writer, we all have our own methods. Do what feels right to you, but make sure to triple-check. In fact, there was a time in literature where everyone was doing the same thing! It wasn't until people like James Joyce came around that stories changed for the better. After him and others, almost every author had their own ideas, their own style. Keep doing what you do, and don't let others impede your style.

7167851 Now that's what I'm talking about. :moustache: Glad you understand, and so thoroughly, and I hope you're enjoying the story as much as well!

7167873

I am! I hope you're enjoy mine just as much! :twilightsmile:

7167922 I likely will but until finals next week, reading's out of the question. :twilightsheepish:

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