Chapter 14 - Hurt
"So what do you have planned for today, Candy?"
I barely registered Spike's voice, even when he had addressed me directly, until Rarity gently nudged me. I looked up from my barely half-finished breakfast and cast my gaze on the smiling young dragon. "Oh, um, I was going to spend at least part of the day at the boutique. After that, I don't know."
Rarity smiled. "I thought perhaps we would top off the morning with lunch at that new café which opened recently. They've already received rave reviews from the more upper crust of Ponyville society. Afterward, we would return to the boutique until it's time to pick up Sweetie Belle from school."
Spike's eyes widened. "You're gonna spend the entire day away from the castle?"
He reflected a bit of my own alarm, but likely for entirely different reasons. Chrysalis had said she would name the time and place when I had to give her the pendant (if I gave it to her), and I assumed I had to be in the castle for that.
"Well, why not, darling?" said Rarity. "I'm sure Candy is not interested in some stuffy summit meeting."
"There is the little matter of studying her pendant," Twilight said in a low voice.
I debated seizing on that as a means of returning to the castle earlier, but that meant opening the door to my other fears.
I glanced towards the end of the table. Princess Celestia had joined us for breakfast. She and Spike had arrived together, the latter scurrying off into the kitchen to prepare the meal. She had initially engaged us in conversation -- well, I mostly listened and made myself as unobtrusive as possible -- but she had since fallen silent, sedately eating her meal, utensils held in the golden glow of her horn. Her eyes were downcast, as if she were lost in thought.
"Yeah, there's that!" Spike said. "And ... um ... well, I did like having lunch with her. I wouldn't mind doing it again."
That ... had been unexpected. He must have sensed my surprise in the look I gave him, as he blushed faintly.
Rarity gave Spike a half-lidded look. "Oh? Do I have some competition for my Spike-Wikey's affections?"
I nearly choked on my bite of apple. I heard a faint giggle from the end of the table. Celestia had not looked up, but a small smile graced her muzzle.
Spike's blush deepened. "I didn't mean that! I just ... um ... I dunno, maybe Candy wanted more daffodils? Not that I'm trying to bribe her aga ... I mean, I never bribed her before! Not that this is a bribe, either! Nope!"
Both Twilight and Rarity stared at him. My sides hurt from suppressed laughter.
"Um ... wh-what I mean is ... I thought ... Candy never got a proper tour of the castle."
"Spike, we're trying to hold a summit," Twilight said. "Maybe this should wait until it's over?"
"But by then Candy will be fostered to--"
Twilight jabbed a hoof into his side.
"Ack! I mean, well, the summit doesn't start until three, right?"
"Spike is correct," Celestia finally spoke. "I wanted Luna to get at least some sleep."
Sleep? I guess it made sense that Luna was nocturnal.
"So why not have her come back here for lunch?" Spike said. "Then she can do your thing with the pendant, I can take her to the, er, I mean, take her on the tour, and we're all good!" He paused, his eyes shifting from side to side. "Um, right?"
Seriously, what was up with Spike? Good God, I hope he didn't really have some sort of crush on me! That was the last thing I needed.
Wait.
He had almost spilled something again, hadn't he? Spike may be a great assistant to Twilight, but a master of subtlety he was not. He wanted me to be somewhere that afternoon. Had Chrysalis gone through him? Was that when I was supposed to make my decision regarding the pendant? That really did not seem at all like something Spike would do.
I had to admit, Spike had managed to make me like him without really trying. I would not mind spending more time with him.
"Candy, it really is up to you what you wish to do with your day," said Rarity. "I certainly will not force you. And the café will always be there."
"I want to head back to the castle for lunch," I said. "And the tour."
Spike smiled and gave me a thumb's up gesture.
"And you'll let me examine the pendant?" Twilight said hopefully.
"We'll see," I said in a low voice.
Twilight sighed but said nothing in protest. Rarity glanced between Twilight and I, but also remained silent.
Yeah, whatever was going to happen, it was going to be on my terms, ponies.
Fluttershy awaited us just outside the castle. She gave me a warm smile. I had trouble returning it, but I managed.
If I asked Fluttershy why she was friends with Discord, would the answer make any sense? Would I even accept it if it did? I remembered what I had promised I would do if I ever met Discord again. For awhile, I believed I could temper that response. He had saved my life, after all. Finding out the pendant itself had set the chain of events in motion changed everything. The pendant had originated in Equestria. Equestria was responsible for me being in Equestria. Wasn't that what it really came down to?
"Candy?" came Fluttershy's tentative voice as we trotted into town, my guards closely bringing up the rear.
I turned my head towards her. "Huh?"
"Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," I replied in a more curt voice than intended. "Why?"
"You just seem kind of quiet this morning."
"I do admit, you do seem a little out of sorts today," said Rarity. "Is there something you need to talk to us about?"
I glanced between them. They both had hopeful looks on their faces. Were they expecting me to say something specific? Was Chrysalis right about them already knowing what I was, and all they needed was for me to confirm it?
"I ... um ... n-no, nothing." I sighed. "Sorry, I had some trouble sleeping last night."
"Goodness, I'm sorry about that," said Fluttershy.
"The essences from the spa not working for you then?" asked Rarity.
I could have face-hoofed. I had forgotten all about them. They still sat unopened in the vanity back in my room. God, I had been so out of it. "Um, no, not really."
"I do hope this summit does not take too long," said Rarity. "We will all be better off when it's done."
For once, I could agree. Maybe I would be gone before it concluded, if the outcome really mattered that little to me.
A round building rose within a circular clearing near the center of town, just over a bridge which crossed a small stream, and Rarity guided us towards it. It looked impressive and central enough to be the Town Hall. I was ready to follow her in when Rarity turned to face me. "Ah, if you didn't mind waiting out here with Fluttershy, Candy, I will only be a minute."
"Oh, um, sure," I said.
Rarity smiled and trotted inside.
I glanced at Fluttershy. She still had a troubled look in her eyes, yet I had to give voice to my earlier thoughts. "Fluttershy, I wanted to ask you about Discord."
Her pupils shrank a bit. "Oh, um, what about him?"
"You're supposed to be reforming him, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"How?"
Fluttershy blinked. "How?"
"Yes, how?" I knew I risked revealing my ignorance about facts that might be widely known, and that perhaps had prompted Fluttershy's uneasy look. Of course, it had nothing to do with my accusing tone of voice.
"I'm trying to show him how important friendship is," said Fluttershy.
I waited. "Uh ... that's it?"
"Well, maybe that's over-simplifying a bit. It's through friendship that he learns to use his powers for good."
I had the urge to ask her to define what "good" meant in this context, but I refrained. "Does he tell you everything he does when you're not around?"
"Not always."
"Does he at least explain why he does ... what he does?"
Fluttershy hesitated and averted her gaze, scraping a fore-hoof. "Um, he can be a little evasive sometimes."
"So how do you really know he's serious? How do you know he's not just pretending to--"
I flinched when she snapped her gaze back to mine. "Discord sometimes makes mistakes. He doesn't always get it right. He's new to friendship. He's dealing with completely new feelings, new motivations, and a new world view. That's hard. He's trying to fit into a place he never was before and not be forced to give up who he is."
I stood in shocked silence, her eyes locked to mine. I had never heard Fluttershy speak with such passion before, even if still in her soft, gentle voice.
New feelings. New motivations. New world view. Trying to fit in and not lose who I am. Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that, would I?
Wait, no. It wasn't entirely the same. It was not a fair comparison at all. I didn't have the ability to affect the destinies of others. I didn't snatch people from other universes. What could possibly motivate somepony like Fluttershy to do that for a creature of such power and such whimsy unless she were like Chrysalis had said, either beguiled or gullible? Nopony was that kind.
We both jumped when a voice suddenly roared from inside Town Hall, "A WHAT has been filed against it?!"
My eyes widened. I swore the ground actually shook. "Was that ... was that Rarity??"
"Kindly allow me the courtesy to decide where the fault lies!" Rarity's voice thundered forth, making several nearby ponies turn their heads. "Now what are the reasons for this inane challenge?!"
"Oh, dear," Fluttershy murmured.
"That is patently absurd! I filed all the proper papers!"
"What the hay?!" came a raspy voice from above. Rainbow Dash flew down and hovered nearby. "You can hear her halfway to Cloudsdale!"
This could not possibly be about my ...
"She is a FILLY, not the spawn of Tirek!"
Fluttershy whimpered and hid her face behind her hair.
"Oo, what's going on?" said Pinkie Pie as she bounced over.
"ENOUGH! I demand to know who is responsible for this!"
Pinkie pouted. "Aww, Rarity is ripping somepony else a new one, and I wasn't invited! Again!"
"Ugh, that INSUFFERABLE mare!" Rarity boomed. "It is little wonder Sweetie Belle complains about that mare's daughter to no end! Fine. Let her have her petty little challenge. I've stared down greater beasts than her in my day, and the only thing she has that's more impressive than them is her BIG MOUTH! GOOD DAY!!"
"Tarnation!" came Applejack's voice as she trotted over, a set of saddlebags over her barrel. "What the hay is Rarity goin' on about?"
"That's what I wanted to know!" Rainbow said.
"Take cover!" Pinkie cried, who was now wearing a pith helmet. "She's coming out!"
I very nearly expected to see Rarity transformed into some sort of wild-eyed monster, yet out trotted the same dignified mare with the always well-coiffed mane, a serene smile on her face. She stopped short when she saw everypony staring at her and blushed faintly. "Oh, dear. I do hope I didn't make too much of a scene."
"I-is everything okay?" Fluttershy said in a tentative voice.
"Ah, well," Rarity began as she trotted forward. "Merely a minor bureaucratic delay on a certain legal proceeding. Nothing to fret about."
So it was about my being fostered. Somepony had raised a stink about it, and Rarity ...
Well ...
A duty, right? Just a duty? She was just ... really adamant about it. My mother could be that way about business deals she absolutely wanted. This had to be no different, right? Nopony was that generous.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "You sure 'bout that, sugarcube?"
Rarity uttered an exasperated sigh. "Really, Applejack, I have this under control. I simply need to make a few, ah, discreet inquiries to see if I can get around that insuff ... er ... concerned citizen's challenge."
"Let me know if you need me to, you know, lean on anypony," said Rainbow.
"Absolutely not, Rainbow! You should be ashamed for even thinking that."
"Oo, I'll lean on them, too!" Pinkie said.
Rarity gasped. "You, Pinkie? Resort to such ... ruffian tactics?"
"Huh? I meant I'd lean on them until they fell over, then tickle them silly until they gave in!" Pinkie said with a smile. "That's what you were thinking, right, Dashie?"
Rainbow face-hoofed.
"Enough," said Rarity as she joined Fluttershy and I. "I have this well in hoof. Now, we should have been at the boutique fifteen minutes ago. Let's go."
The sense of familiarity instilled merely by the distinctive aroma of fabric foiled my hopes of maintaining any sort of emotional distance. Smells, sights, and sounds conspired to force a sense of comfort with my surroundings while I stood in the back room of the Carousel Boutique. For once, enhanced equine senses were more a bane than a blessing.
Equine. I had to keep that at the forefront of my mind. I still inhabited a body contrary to my birthright. Whatever sense of comfort or familiarity had accumulated in the past few days could not change that. I remained a stranger in a strange land, furthermore in a strange body.
Like Chrysalis had hammered home, I was not one of them.
I watched Rarity work. Her aplomb with magic sparked the same sense of wonder, even if the same smile failed to cross my muzzle as it had the day before. I viewed everything through a new critical lens. Scissors cut perfect lines and shapes, thread speared the eyelet of the needle on the first go, needle flowed through fabric like a fish through water, but I fought not to envy skills that I would never have before my time in Equestria was done.
I watched a dress come to life, as elegant as any my mother might have produced. When my mother still made dresses by hand, my youth limited my appreciation to simply noting the pretty colors. In a single day with Rarity I had attained a far greater appreciation and sheer want for what my mother could do.
Did.
Had done.
How many times had I slipped up in tense when talking about my mother? Or Michelle? How often had I talked about them as if I had just seen them last week? My head still insisted in living in a past world that no longer existed. For a brief time, I believed Equestria to be the solution, but it was really just a bigger part of the problem.
Equestria was my past, thanks to the pendant. And if I wanted to get away from my past, I had to get away from this world as well.
"Candy?"
I blinked. "Huh?"
Rarity had stopped her work. Nothing floated in the air like it might were this a simple pause to ask me a brief question. Her eyes regarded me with sad concern. "Are you quite sure you have nothing you want to talk to me about?"
I clenched my teeth. I wished she had left me alone. Yes, I had plenty to talk about. Whether I should was the real question.
"Candy, are you angry with me about something?" Rarity asked.
I didn't have an answer for her. So I asked her something instead. "Rarity, are you intending to foster me?"
Rarity's pupils shrank slightly, perhaps not shocked, but surprised. She gave me a weak smile. "I suppose there's no point in keeping it from you any further," she said in a soft voice. "I was intending for it to be a surprise once the summit was over. Yes, I am."
"Why?"
Rarity hesitated. "I'm sorry?"
"It's a simple question," I said in a tense voice. "Why do you want to foster me?"
She hesitated again. A knot formed in the pit of my stomach. Would she tell me the truth? That some magical map summoned her? That it was her duty? I might even appreciate her honesty; it would make the break with her -- and Equestria -- easier.
"I don't have a simple answer for you, Candy," said Rarity.
Of course. Nothing was simple. "Do you have any answer for me?" I demanded.
Rarity's horn glowed briefly as she levitated the spectacles from her muzzle and set them aside. "The reason I was prompted to start the process is not the same as the reason I continued the process."
Prompted to start the process. I had been right. Chrysalis had been right.
"I strongly feel the second reason is more important than the first," Rarity said.
Part of me screamed she was wrong, that the difference made her gesture completely worthless. I quelled it for the time being. "G-go on," I said in a small voice.
"The second reason is ... I care for you, Candy."
"You don't even know who I really am!" I yelled. "How can you say that?!"
"Maybe I know you more than you think."
My heart thumped. "Are you saying ... y-you know about my real past?"
"No."
Fear demanded I call her a liar. I suppressed it through sheer force of will and remained silent.
"I'm saying it doesn't matter. What matters is who I see now. And the pony I see now is one I want to have a chance to flourish, to grow, to become a beautiful mare in spirit as well as body, a chance you won't get if you're left alone."
I swallowed hard. "Y-you're not my mother," I breathed.
"No, I'm not," said Rarity in a subdued voice. "And it would be unconscionably presumptuous of me to ever expect to replace her. I would not even expect you to call me by that term of endearment, nor would I ever insist on it. I did not foal you, therefore I did not earn it."
My throat closed up. It wasn't supposed to go this way.
Rarity took a step towards me. "Candy ... I'd like to think we ... we connected, at least a little. Maybe I assumed too much. I sometimes do that. Please tell me if this is so."
I forced myself to take a breath. I could tell her that we failed to connect, but then I would be the liar. Lying had all but exhausted me. "No, Rarity, we did. I really did enjoy my time with you yesterday."
"But I'm still sensing something is wrong."
Everything was wrong! Why couldn't she see that?!
"Candy, please tell me the truth," said Rarity in a pained voice. "Do you want me to foster you?"
Stop asking me questions I didn't want to answer!
"What difference does that make?" I snapped. "Somepony obviously doesn't!"
"What are you ... oh ... the Town Hall."
"Yes, the Town Hall!" I said in a mocking voice. "What about that?"
"When I said I had that well in hoof, I meant it," Rarity said in a firm voice. "You need not worry about it."
"But it means somepony doesn't want me here!"
"Their opinion doesn't matter, not to me."
"But I don't want to cause--"
"Stop right there!" Rarity said, holding up a hoof.
I fell silent, more out of shock at her forcefulness than anything else.
"If this incident with the delay in my application is the only reason you wish to reject me as a fosterer, you are worrying yourself over nothing. I had told you that I tended not to claim special privilege for being an Element-bearer, but if it means overcoming this hurdle, I will claim it! And Twilight is a Princess of Equestria. She used her authority to take temporary custody of you, and she will use her authority again to help me if it is needed."
I swallowed hard and trembled.
Rarity's eyes glistened, and she said in a softer voice, "But if there is some other reason you don't want me, please ... say it. Don't give me false hope."
I stared, my mouth slightly agape.
False hope ...
She made it sound like she really ...
Goddammit.
I didn't care what the real reasons were behind the legal challenge. It was my way out. The easy way. The way that let me avoid a real decision. I didn't have to hurt anypony. The blame would be on somepony else.
What if I had given the pendant to Chrysalis the night before? Would I have been on Earth and back in my human body already? Would this all have been just a memory? But, no, I had been the coward. Again. "Not yet" was not a decision, just a delay. "I need to think" I had said, except I never do.
Desperation compelled me to lump Rarity in with the rest. Far easier to label a group than deal with individuals. Yet the idea burned an ache into my heart I could not ignore.
I wanted to answer so I didn't have to lie or hurt her in any way. I thought I had accomplished that when I finally replied in a very soft voice, "Not one you would find valid, anyway."
Rarity contemplated me for a moment, her eyes glistening. She finally nodded slowly. "Would you do me a f-favor, Candy?" she said with a small, trembling smile. "Can you relieve Fluttershy of minding the store for a short while and send her back here? I, um, have an alteration of a dress of hers that I need to discuss."
"Oh, um, sure," I said.
"Just tell any new customers that I will be out sh-shortly."
She had furnished an excuse for me to step away and let my emotions settle, or so it had appeared. If I had heard the catch in her voice, it had not registered. Or more likely, as I tended to do, I didn't want to hear it.
I reported to the front of the store and informed Fluttershy of Rarity's request. She looked a bit confused, but gave me a subdued look and headed back. I took a deep breath. I felt I had handled that the best I could. I had not had an emotional breakdown, and I gave Rarity an answer that seemed to satisfy her without having to outright lie.
Leaves rustled softly in a nearby tree through an open window. My steps clopped crisply against the floor behind the counter as I paced. My mother used to say that if you could hear your own footsteps in a store, the store was not busy enough. I wondered if that translated to hooves as well.
A pegasus mare entered the store. One of my guards followed her in and took up position near the door. "Rarity will be out shortly," I said. She nodded and proceeded to browse through the designs on display. An earth mare arrived next, and I repeated the mantra. She simply paced slowly about.
Imagery flashing before my mind's eye threatened to overcome reality, where my twelve year old self stood behind the counter of one of my mother's stores. My mother had asked me if I could see myself working in a place like this. I never really gave her a firm answer, as uncertain as my still childlike outlook had been.
The same question now filled me with a sense of longing.
Finally, I heard hooves behind me. "Ah, thank you, Candy," came Rarity's voice, now more steady.
I turned and froze, my reply lost. Her eyes glistened, and her mascara had run a bit, a tiny amount that might go unnoticed on another pony, but for Rarity ...
"Candy, it's getting late in the morning, and I appear to be getting busy," she said in a neutral voice, but it quavered slightly. "Fluttershy is willing to take you to the castle if you wish to return. That will give you time to freshen up before lunch."
"Um, okay," I said. "Rarity, are you ...?"
Before I could complete the question, she turned away and trotted over to a customer. Her lips quivered a few times before finally supporting a proper smile.
I stared, dumbstruck.
"Candy?" Fluttershy prompted.
I turned my head. She gave me a sad look. "Um, did something just--?"
"I think we better leave," Fluttershy said softly.
"But--"
"Please," she said in a low, urgent voice.
I swallowed hard and nodded. I trotted out the door and struggled not to glance backwards in a silent, belated bid for forgiveness that I likely did not deserve.
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Why can't Candy just see that Rarity truly does care about her and that giving the pendant to Chrysalis is wrong. Hope that everything turns out fine in the end
Sooo sad! Can't wait to see how this will play out!
6956921
Because there's just too much she doesn't know. From what I can read, all she knows is that she doesn't like the situation, and keeping the pendant/accepting Rarity's offer will just dig her into said situation even deeper.
Giving it up is the easy way out while possibly getting a free ride home.
Feeling the distrust right now!
Poor Rares...
SWEETIE HAS A DAUGHTER?!!! roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/rariaah.png
Nah, just kidding. I know you were referring to Spoiled Rich. That's why pronouns can be so tricky sometimes. They lead to some pretty awkward misunderstandings if you don't understand the context. My terrible joke aside, I hope that Candy comes to terms with how much Rarity actually cares for her. And honestly, I wouldn't mind if this story had a bit of romance in it.
roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/flutterunsmith.png Umm...is there going to be any romance? I mean, you don't have to put any in there if you don't want to, that is.
6957136 Plus she's scared. What little we know of her back story, Candy's first reflex is to run and trust no one in that sort of situation...
6957136
No, Candy, don't give Bill the rift!
Er, I mean, don't give Chrysalis the pendant!
Them feels! Poor Rarity, I know she means will, and I know she cant tell her everything because of how things work. And I know Chrisalys is doing some horrible things. And if I didn't have such a cold heart I might have cried.... Oh dear Celestia I want to give her a hug!!!
6956921 Well, she have valid reason to doubt Rarity's sincerity. But more importantly, she still wan't to return to her world. Accepting a new familly in Equestria would feel like giving up on that goal.
Throne, the feels in this chapter...
Wait... Sweetie has a daughter???? SHE'S STILL A FILLY!!!! WTF IS GOING ON HERE???
I don't see why Candy wants to go back to her old world where someone tried to kill her, she has no family or friends, and would likely be living on the streets.
SOOO MANY THINGS I WOULD SAY TO HER!!!
Ugh I need more of this in my life, but you update way faster than any other stories I'm following right now.
6957861
Yeah, there's been enough comments about the pronoun confusion that I just edited the chapter so the line reads "that mare's daughter" instead ...
As for her thinking here, well, she's not. She's in a highly emotional state right now, which makes it harder for her to make the right choices.
I will respond to more comments in the morning, as it's getting late for me. But thank you, all, for the continued discussion!
6957891 Oh, so it's Spoiled Rotten... Well, I would love to see Rarity rip her a superfluously new asshole.
*waits avidly for
RachelCandy Swirl to get a clue**throws coffee cup on the floor and demands another chapter*
Why would Spoiled be interested in Candy though?
I am glad to see your writing progress, and I thank you for your work. Please continue.
I can't stand stories like this. The author will spend twenty or more chapters dragging the audience over unpaved road while his damned protagonist waffles over whether to JUST SPIT IT OUT or not.
Hasn't she ever seen the Wizard of Oz? Chrysalis is about as subtle as the Wicked Witch of the West trying to get the ruby slippers off of Dorothy. A bunch of cheerful friendly ponies who have been literally nothing but kind and compassionate to me, vs. the word of someone who looks like someone took a mutant horse and microwaved it who sneaks around during a peace summit sowing dissention, holding conversations full of veiled threats and innuendo.... oh I'm just so UNDECIDED who to TRUST. If she had any survival instincts whatsoever she'd be literally galloping straight to Celestia or the Mane Six and blabbing everything that had happened.
6958909
Actually, no, it doesn't, as I have never read any of the comics, so they're not included in the canon behind my stories. From what I've heard about their varying quality and occasional contradictory canon, I likely won't be reading them anytime soon.
Equestria Girls also tends not to be part of the canon of my stories unless explicitly stated. I actually do like the movies, but for HiE-type fic, I prefer them not to be canon so that the concept of humans is more foreign to the characters.
6958852
Thanks for the candid feedback. I tried to present Rachel as someone who is conflicted emotionally due to her past, so she is not as quick to trust others. The specific reasons have been hinted at but will be made more clear in upcoming chapters. Also there is some question as to whether Chrysalis had indeed worked some magic on her despite the safeguards against it. That question will be answered as well.
If that still does not quite do it for you, then you are welcome to offer suggestions on how you thought it could have been done better.
6957888
This is one of the reasons I try to have a few chapters in at least rough draft format in the hopper as I go, so if I get a momentary lapse in creativity or real life intervenes, I have a bit of a buffer. I do have a planned two-week break coming up to allow me time to hammer out the plot for the rest of the story, but that will not be until the Chrysalis plot is resolved so I don't leave readers hanging (yes, this is going to be a rather long story ...)
6957187
Yeah, I decided to fix the pronoun reference problem. It was one of those things that sounded perfectly fine in my head while writing it but took some reader feedback for me to see the issue.
As for romance, sorry, there won't be any in this story. I figure Rachel/Candy has enough to deal with right now without bringing romance into the picture. While I was plotting this out, I had to decide what aspects of her transformation to focus on, and romance was just one thing too many that I felt would distract from the main point of the story.
6959068
Thanks for the feedback. I had used that as a means of incurring a further loss of identity on Rachel, which is the basis of much of her initial struggle, but you have a point. Perhaps having her mentally blocked from voicing her name by some other means might work better.
6958094 Can only speculate, but I'f I had to guess Spoiled is using Bureaucratic technicalities and hogwash to bog down Rarities request for adoption, likely to spite Rarity due to her over inflated sense of self importance and social upbringing and/or because of the fued between her daughter and Rarities sister.
either way, this is an immensely clever use of an otherwise underdeveloped character and creates a new depth to Spoiled's motives and mannerisms.
Awww
Im torn between "poor Candy" and "Poor Rarity!"
6959368 I find it more likely she used her influence and clout to have the application denied, or even outright delayed.
6959215 Yet another story I eagerly wait upon... URGH! I'VE ONLY JUST STARTED READING THIS! WHY AM I SO ATTATCHED TO THIS NARRATIVE!
6959870 oh there is no doubt to that, its just how she went about it is up for grabs.
6960065 I can see what you mean.
6959005
Thanks! This particular reader is very happy with that. And with how amazing this story is, I wouldn't mind if you took a two week break just to step away and relax for a while. You are very dedicated and I like that in a writer.
6958852
Or putting a few new holes in the wicked witch, then informing everyone what's going on? That's more fun, you know.
6959215
Yes, I agree, that sounds better. I think it's a little bit clichéd, because every second story seems to do that these days, but it makes a lot more sense that way. I haven't gotten far into the story myself yet, but from how you make it sound, it at least has reason to be there, in context.
You know, if you wanted to be fair about it, the logical counterpoint to this would be to have 50% of the ponies to be so myopic they can barely see in front of their own noses. That's one of the trade-offs that real horses have for their great sense of hearing and smell - their eyes are pretty garbage. Giant field of vision, but no detail at all.
6962646
That's an interesting point. I'll have to go back and see how the narrative reads now that I have many chapters up. This is my first transformation type story so I'm still feeling my way around a bit, so feedback like this is very useful.
6962945
True, though considering how huge these ponies' eyes tend to be, that might offset it. Maybe.
Either way, though, I've seen authors do different things with this. The ponies as portrayed in FiM seem to have rather good vision, so I sort of stuck with that idea.
6959494
I was definitely aiming for this effect. Candy is not trying to be intentionally cruel, so in a way, she's feeling just as hurt. Most of her misstep here is from underestimating how much this matters to Rarity.
6963326
It's really a pretty good one for that, I think. Rachel's indecision and emotional turmoil is tangible, but it isn't overbearing. She still does other things besides griping to herself, which is very appreciated, and otherwise behaves like I would expect a confused child of 16 to do in a situation like this. The pronoun thing is something I think would work well as a stylistic thing, but if you think it's too much of a bother to change all of that, establishing that she can no more remember different pronouns than she can remember how to pronounce her own name would also work, I guess. It's at least consistent.
I've seen some stories do that and it makes sense enough in terms of real-world horses, it just always strikes me as a bit weird, you know what I mean? We don't exactly see the ponies in the show sniffing each other to identify someone. In practical terms, they seem to experience the world pretty much as we do. It's just a personal opinion, though.
This is one of those times where you hope it all works out in the end.
6964527
I did strive to create someone who was believable. This is one of the reasons why it is taking a number of chapters for her to come to resolve her crisis (and not just because Chrysalis had affected her, but it is a factor); I didn't want to have the opposite problem, where she resolved things too quickly.
Thank you for the words of encouragement
With regards to real-life horses, I'm on the fence about that sort of thing. I've seen writers do some inventive things with the concept, but decided in my story to stick more or less to what we see in the show. In future stories I may do things differently if inspiration strikes.
And go where? You've already left Earth, now you're running from Equestria. Do you seriously want to risk ending up someplace WORSE? Like Yugioh world where you risk your life for card games and everyone has utterly ridiculous hair styles? Sheesh, girl!
Candy hears a voice in her mind, "Kill yourself... it's the only wayyyyyyyy to escape your past foreverrrrrr... then the pendant will be miiine... oh crap, I think I sent that part too. Chrysalis gallops out of her mind.
It's times like these when you just want Deadpool to show up and shoot Chrysalis in the face. Because when HE does it's cool! But when I want to do it, everyone gets pissy!
6966721
Shooting's inappropriate. More fitting would be giving Chrysalis Rachel's original form (and lack of magic) then sending her back in Rachel's place to live the life she ruined. For however long that lasts with the gangs out to make an example of her...
6958852
Obviously someone like you should never read any fiction starring teenage protagonists.
6959215
You don't have to change anything. There's a difference between knowing a word and seeing that word clearly in your head, and actually saying it out loud or writing it down. Anyone who tells you differently, has never had a native language that they later lose fluency in due to disuse. It's a disconnect between brain and hand, or brain and tongue.
6962945 6963326
But they're not Earth equines.
I know that's an over-used reason, but it's true. Real horses also can't move their joints around like cats, can't use their mane and tails as prehensile appendages, and can't use their frogs for grasping.
6963339
You're handling the "tortured teenager" character effectively. They're not supposed to be easy for adults to read. We vacillate between wanting to slap them and wanting to hug them. Though I don't really want to slap this teenager because the writer is communicating her pain pretty well.
I like the understated pain which Rachel is bracing within herself. Her survival instinct is on "war orphan" overdrive, to the point where she'd rather trust in the devil she knows instead of accept an unfamiliar eden.
Bitches like Chrysalis find happy people like Candy and tear away any hope of joy. It's sad when you know how common it is, but it's just downright depressing to know how it feels.
6958852
I'm sorry but I have to agree here. There's "trust issues", and there's being even more allergic to confrontation than Fluttershy. Literally -- because even Fluttershy has a better track record in this story of confronting and calling people out.
Like, Luna already has as good an idea as anyone what's going on, both of them know it, and the fact that Luna isn't flipping out on her instantly disproves most of what Chrysalis told her about those Evil Princesses, so there's no reason not to pull her aside and put her cards on the table. And if anything, Rachel is in the perfect position to immediately recognize Chrysalis as someone bitter and desperate, because her sister dedicated her life to helping people like that. I'm really hoping we're not going to be raked over such pointless coals much longer. Rachel's in a place where she can do a lot of good, and watching her shitlord it this badly is extremely frustrating.
7365397 Amen brother/sister, amen.
I'm sorry, but I really hate the main character right now. She reminds me too much of a female Shinji Ikari, and that little twerp had pushed ALL of my buttons. And she doesn't even get a giant robot. And those mental gymnastics just make me want to dig a hole with my face. Wants to go home? To what? The streets run by a gang that actively wants to kill her. No friends, no parents, no life goals or future. Not to mention the whole mess with the changlings.
Despite what it sounds like, I do like the story. The idea is interesting and has set up some intrigue. I am just hoping she has a moment of clarity before she does something monumentally stupid.
Your main character is uncomfortably gullible. I recall somethingabout fuzzy thoughts during her convo with Chrysalis, so I'm attributing this to her being magically influenced or something? Cause' if not, its reaaly annoying how unrealistically gullible she is. You said she lived on the streets, right? Definitely not someone who could ignore base human survival instincts that would reject Chrysalis and highlight every suspicious part of their argument immediately.
Nice choice in chapter titles~
Criminal scum!
This chapter made me really sad towards the end of it. Spoiled rich is gonna get ripped a new one