In Which Our Favorite Six Pastel Ponies Ask the Big Question.

by Vicron

Twilight Sparkle

I was writing my latest report to Celestia when a stray thought made me stop.
Is this what I'll be to her? Just words on paper? Is that who I am? It made me stop, true Celestia will be around long after I am gone, she is a constant, an unwavering pillar. Where as I am simply a blip, only to be memorialized by words, be it the description of the stained glass in Canterlot or the words I had been writing. I needed a moment to think.
"You know what Spike," I turned around to look at my assistant, he would be around much longer than me too. What was I to him? "I think this can wait until morning, you can go to bed." Spike nodded and walked out, making a beeline for the bedroom. He knew the look I almost undoubtedly wore at the moment, he called it my "drop it and think" look.

Now I looked at the room, carved from the inside of an ancient living tree. It would be around longer than me too, it seemed to hardly take notice. Of course it was a tree and couldn't think anyway, but if it could it would probably be rather ticked at the fact that it had a bunch of creatures moving in and out of it all day. But in exchange I took care of it, making sure it was healthy, was that what I was to the tree? A helpful lodger?

And what about Spike? What was I to him, a Sister? Friend? Caretaker? I could always just ask him, there was ample opportunity, I had the rest of my life. But what is my life in the grand scheme of things? I realized my thoughts were spiraling out of control and decided that I needed some professional help with this matter. I turned to the shelves, my paper bound friends from before I had flesh and blood ones beyond Spike and my parents. Hopefully they would help me at least put my thoughts in order, help me put things into perspective, sort out which of these thoughts were most important. I needed to make a list.

Before long the air around me was choked by the sound of flipping pages, luckily I could still remember how the Dewey Decimal System worked through the haze of activity in my mind. The books around me were all psychology texts, from seasoned professional's life works to student's papers. I was looking for something that would stick out, something I could focus on. The answer almost brushed by me unnoticed until I looked at the author. The other books re-shelved themselves under gentle promptings from my magic.

"Existential Crisis, A Navigation Guide by Princess Celestia." I read aloud. That was odd, Celestia had never told me she had written anything pertaining to psychology. And why existentialism? She was permanent, what cause would she have to investigate a topic that pertained solely to those who's time was limited? It was very thin, more of a hard covered booklet, the binding was old and slightly rotted, I would have to rebind it later. I opened it and started to read.

To any who may read this text, I'm willing to bet you're confused. What need would an immortal have to study existentialism? It started with a question asked by one of my servants, he asked what he was to me. I told him how I saw him but he asked me more specifically, what importance did he have in my long span of years? Did he matter anymore after he was gone? I nodded, identifying quite well with the servant's question.

I didn't have an answer for him, and found myself unable to sleep that night. Plagued by his question, what do you all mean to me? You are all so small and so brief, why should you matter to someone like me to whom even dragons are little more than short friendships? I felt a worry-line appear on my forehead, this was taking a turn for the dark. I came to the conclusion that you shouldn't, what with the pain of losing so many to the blasted reaches of time, and slept rather soundly. But by morning the question was gnawing at me again, so I decided to run a series of mental experiments. I took leave of my post for a time, leaving authority to my more trusted councils, and took some of the more lonely guards with me. Making sure to pick those that would not be missed and would miss nothing. I blinked, what was she hoping to gain from this? And the phrase "would not be missed" gave me chills.

I disguised myself as a commoner and instructed the guards to act as my family, I made careful note to instruct them not to act according to protocol. If I was to blend in, my family needed to act like a family. I made sure to set a limit on how much time I could spend incognito, one lifetime seemed enough. And so began my test. I will not bore you with the details of an average life, although it was very nice to walk amongst the ponies without them falling at my hooves. I will simply say that I laughed, I loved, oh, did I love, I cried, and I died. Since you are reading this, I'll assume that you are in the midst of an existential crisis so I have put the list of things to do on the next few pages. I flipped the page. Emblazoned in the middle of the page were six words that took up the entire page. Ask, who are you, to you? There were a series of notes on the other page.

This is the biggest question to ask during an existential crisis, taking importance over all others. If you cannot answer this question to yourself than no one can. First you'll want to take count of all your traits, good and bad, but not physical mind you, then simply let them stew in your mind, let you tell yourself who you are. Although frowned upon in most situations, talking and responding to yourself out loud are encouraged. I placed the book onto the desk I had hardly noticed walking up to.

"Well," I started pacing, "I am a bit of a shut in, alright more than a bit. I'm rather over reactive, usually desperate to prove myself to my teachers and friends. I have trouble accepting things that cannot be explained by my current level of skill. I'm admittedly obsessive compulsive, more than a little neurotic. I have trouble relaxing and trouble reacting to unexpected circumstances." I frowned, the cons about being me were all I could seem to find, but then something started whispering in my head, presumably my subconscious.

"I am also very intelligent, powerful and a deep thinker. I can make connections that most wouldn't, I have a group of great friends, and a little brother that happens to be a dragon." I felt a smile tugging at my face. "I am the student of the single most powerful and wise being on the planet, I am a scholar and a scientist, I am me." My subconscious disengaged its link from to my mouth and I thought for a second. I am me? What did that mean, did it have to mean anything? No. I realized it didn't. It didn't have to mean anything to anyone but me. It couldn't be truly explained and for once, I was okay with that. I was me, and to me that's who I was. And I didn't have to be anything more; cause for all my flaws there were still ponies who cared about me just for that, because I was me.

I felt very satisfied, I yawned, the rest of the booklet could wait until morning. I climbed up the stairs and closed the door to my room.

Comments

[bookplayer]

Fascinating. Great idea. I'm totally watching this.

I can't wait to see your take on Rainbow Dash. There are (in my opinion) two very different ways to go with her, and I'm interested in which you choose.

[blerg]

A few mechanical errors here and there, but overall good. I relate to Twilight easily.

[gryphon88]

Dewey decimal system.
I hope you'll continue beyond just the mane six, I'd love to hear more about Celestia's fake-life. Or Spike's crisis.

[Rarityshy]

Making sure I keep up with this story, can't wait to see Pinkie go through an existential crisis.

[Reed Libro]

733024I relate to her as well .Let me say something
that I would never say to ANYONE .Mostly because I am
A rather timid bookworm... Brohoof ?/) Anyone ?No ...
Sigh forget I asked .No one understand me ...Oh well
no time for self-pity I have a lot of books to read
Darn it I forgot to plan my schedule !CLOCK IS TICKING!!!!!

[soulwinds]

I am me... what a nice way to see yourself.
looking forward to more chapters

[Bob The Brony]

You hooked me on the picture alone. Now I have an immage of an overly buff Spike with rainbow colored scales (the ones on his back) and a rainbow colored tail flying around saying he's the new Rainbow Dash. .......

[NeuPferdfurt]

Might be a personal preference, especially since no one else has pointed this out, but I think the story could use less commas and more fullstops.
"Now I looked at the room, carved from the inside of an ancient living tree, it would be around longer than me too, it seemed to hardly take notice, of course it was a tree and couldn't think anyway, but if it could it would probably be rather ticked at the fact that it had a bunch of creatures moving in and out of it all day"
being one of the more unpleasant passages to read for me even though the content itself is fairly interesting.

I found Celestia's way of reasoning about her subjects as "unimportant" when compared to herself (even as a mere thought experiment) a little out of character, but then again, this has been written by her long before she met Twilight and perhaps she has gotten "softer" over the centuries.

Though it has only been a tiny glimpse, I liked your presentation of Twilight's and Spike's realtionship

Also, I have to confess that I've actually learned something. Though I can't tell whether that's proof of your wisdom or of my ignorance

[Vicron]

736584 Celestia's reasoning was for an individual, as a race they would still matter but individuals would be insignificant. Although I am implying that the experiment softened her a bit.

[INACTIVE_ACCOUNT]

Now I looked at the room, carved from the inside of an ancient living tree. It would be around longer than me too, it seemed to hardly take notice.

This becomes mildly humorous after the season 4 finale.