Twilight and Soarin' have been married for year. Now that they are going to be having their first foal; Soarin' is confronted by his past. Will Twilight be able to help Soarin' move on from his foalhood problems and be the father he wants to be.
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I think this is some of my better writing. I hope you enjoy.
Meh not the best ive read, but not the worst, more of inbetween
By Fenris and Tor, this was powerful. I say thankee-sai.
Giving notes as I read so sorry if the subject matter switches a lot:
Qusars should be quasars
Drop commentary in parenthesis, use commas or separate sentences instead. If it's in parenthesis, that means it's such a minor detail that it should be removed completely.
The princess sent her student (comma) an expert weather officer
After a long day discussing weather (comma) Twilight invited him to dinner
If one were so inclined (comma) you could say the two fell for each other.
That's the last comma I'll point out. Great way to think about it is read the sentence aloud and if you pause anywhere briefly, it's likely a comma should go there. If you're not sure read it aloud without pausing and see how it sounds.
Twilight was worried about Soarin' because he HAD been having recent nightmares (you're referring to past nightmares, not the present one. Tenses are tricky, I stumble with them too.). Also next sentence should either go with "they seemed to start" or "they seemed to have started"
Being orphaned at a such A young age (only an if next word starts with a vowel, and y and not a vowel here)
She entered the QUIET building
"She said you are having nightmares, are you?" These should be separate sentences.
Even thought a pie could help (replace semicolon with comma) it COULDN'T fix everything
When Twilight has inner thoughts, they're italicized, but Soarin's are not.
Twilight went to the palace THRONE room
Recognized the guard on duty (missing period) Like
Do you think that the mother's introduction came a little quick? Perhaps some exposition on her expression and shame before her revealing statement.
She WAS confused BY what this mare wanted
Going to be a great father (replace apostrophe with quote mark)
This is a matter of opinion, but do you think Twiligh would so easily agree to deliver the message? She knows how stricken her love is by the death of his parents, and I imagine she'd be a little angry at them for hurting him before she came to the realization that maybe Soarin' is the one who wasn't telling the truth. I'm just saying she'd believe her husband over a stranger at first. This is purely up to the author, just asking your opinion.
He was covered in bruises and appeared TO HAVE BEEN living there
Doesn't he trust me (missing question mark)" she said (who said? If you drop this we still know it's Twilight, but using 'she' when the subject of 'she' hasn't been made in this paragraph confuses the reader)
Soarin' is PROBABLY wondering
Princess Celestia still REMEMBERED every detail
Soarin' told ME there is something important he WANTS to tell you
Soarin' was glad (remove 'to') Twilight was back
I reccomend removing Soarin's thought bubble right after this and simply say he wanted to be in her hooves. We know what he is thinking because of the 3rd person omniscient narration, so just saying it suffices. Also missing the word 'he' at start of sentence after thought.
'MY dad used to tell me' or 'HE used to tell me'
I won't miss you and (insert 'if' or 'when') you die
The abuse he put me through EXCEPT for tonight
Face my PARENTS again
Soarin' knew all his problems WEREN'T solved
Uneccessary capitalization of knowing in last paragraph
Some of the last paragraphs start several sentences on 'but' instead of connecting to the previous sentence with a comma.
Sorry for all the notes. 90% of these are honest mistakes that are easy to miss and the rest his take practice. Just trying to help
Still giving this a thumbs up. You have a great concept that doesn't spend unnecessary time on pointless details, and doesn't go over the top on others. The characters are portrayed very well, and you definitely put some major thought into this. It's great work.
725532
I appreciate the critique. I am always looking to improve.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
725551
Glad you appreciate critique more than most writers and didn't chew my head off. This is why I only give critique on already good stories now lol
725563
Thanks again.
I reread that section with Twilight and Soarin's mom and you make a good point. I am going to rework that little section.
I love me some SoarLight or whatever this ship is called. Strangely enough, half of the fics I've read with this ship have Soarin' dealing with daddy issues.
Loved the story though. I saw a few errors here and there, nothing to worry about. But English isn't my native language, so I'm not all that reliable with that
Fun read, are you going to write a sequel? Could be fun to see Twilight and Soarin deal with parenthood.
726893
I'd assume you have read the Skies trilogy.
I have another story in mind. Not exactly a sequel but a collection of short stories. It will include stories about their marriage, Soarin's life, and their kids.
I really liked it. There are some words missing but I've that problem too. I really liked it. A lot of heart and emotional stuff. I liked the characterizations and the internal thoughts of the characters were a nice touch. Really good.
Hello Good story welcome to favorites!
726893
I have started the follow up to this story and I have published the first chapter.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/32523/Two-Lives-Becoming-One
Loved it! But one thing that stood out:
You often didn't shorten words etc. We are instead of we're and I am instead of I'm. but apart from that, very good! 9 spikes out of ten!
Should I read this before "Two Lives Becoming One" is completely finished, or should I read it after? I don't want any spoilers. :3
1114742
The point I am at in 'Two Lives Becoming One' is past the events of 'Parenthood', It should be ok to read now.
725532
"The princess sent her student (comma) an expert weather officer"
I don't think there should be a comma there. It makes the sentence imply that Twilight is an expert weather officer. Or that Soarin' is her student.
bkabfyuegfbcdfcduigfdxcb vdyhgfbv dygf ibv fkdi,g h this makes nooooo sense
whoa whoa WAIT A SECOND!!!!!
okay okay in " two lives becoming one" soarin was abused by his parents CORRECT?!?! so is this story somhow conected to that story????? WUT THE FACKY
Found a small grammar error.
"All I want is to be in her hooves."
Aside from that, great fic.
Nice story! I have also started a SoarinLight story! :)
Overall plot is not terri-bad. The execution is lacking and comes off as kinda rushed & a bit childish. Needs more fluf.
6/10.