Gabe Newell vs. The Conversion Bureau

by That_Gamer_Scout

Gaben's Quest

Our story starts in Trump Tower, New York, Celestia was looking at a map of the U.S while staying in penthouse suite; the second to top floor.

“And I shall call that land Coltiforina, and I shall call that land New Neighico. Ha ha ha! Horse puns!” declares Celestia.

A sudden knock at the door stopped Celestia’s villainous plotting and horse punnery.

“Come in, my little pony” she said.

Then, all of the sudden, surprisingly to no-one because it was the title of the story, Gabe Newell swings the door open and steps inside the room. Gabe was wearing a Half-Life style HEV Suit and in his right hand he was carrying a crowbar.

Celestia stood in shock “You’re not a pony!”

Gabe then quickly retorted “Nor am I little!” he said as he slapped his jiggly belly.

“How’d you get in here?”

“I gave Donald Trump a small loan of a million dollars”

“What!? But I gave him a small loan of a million bits to keep all humans out of Trump Tower…”

Celestia and Gaben stood in silence. Then slowly, but surely, realizing that Donald Trump just earned an easy two million dollars and, in fact, a million was not a small loan.

“Well…” says Gaben “Never mind that, I’m here to stop you and the Conversion Bureaus!”

“But why?” Celestia asks “I turn man into pone so man do not fight anymore, then we have ponies go around and burn all the human shit because fuck history who needs that shit? Not us, that’s for sure”

“Oh yeah? Well have you ever played a video game before?” Gabe quickly retorts

“Well, no… But…”

“Exactly! You don’t understand how amazing gaming is! Seriously just cut this shit out, we can live in peace. How about we call it even and I release a TF2 update with more hats in it, what'da say?”

“Uh, no”

“Then I’m going to stop you!”

“K den” said Celestia as she stood ready to do battle. “Let’s have a go at it!”

Gabe jumped forward and wildly swung his crowbar, Celestia jumped at Gabe wildly swinging her horn and hooves at him.

“We’re evenly matched Gaben!” shot Celestia as they continue to fight “But my true victory will come when I outlast you!”

“That’s what you think? Well, allow me to disappoint!”

Gabe charged at Celestia and grappled her as he toppled his way out the penthouse window.

“Aaaaaargh!” screamed Gabe as he and Celestia flew towards the New York sidewalk, Gabe held Celestia in front of him as they both toppled towards the ground.

“Oh no you don’t!” Yelled Celestia as she quickly teleported away, leaving Gabe to fall.

*Crash!*

Gabe smashed into the ground causing a large, and I mean large, crack in the pavement. Gabe rolled on his side in pain as he moaned “Uuuugh!”

Celestia then teleported just across from Gaben as a crowd of people and ponies started gathering around.

“Ha ha ha! You see Gabe, nothing can stop me. Not you, not your precious company Valve, not even gaming!”

As Celestia gloated to the crowd, a young colt with a dark brown coat, a light brown mane, and with a multi-colored propeller hat on his head ran up to Gabe and placed his forehooves on his chest.

“Please Mr. Newell!” he said “You have to get up!”

“Uuuuurgh!” grunted Gabe as he turned to look at the young colt. “What's your name son?”

“Button Mash sir”

“Button Mash, listen closely” Gabe said as he withdrew a golden flash drive from his pocket. “Take this flash drive to our New York headquarters, plug it into our servers, and release Half-Life 3”

Button Mash’s eyes widened. “Half-Life 3! It’s real?!”

“Yes, and it’s the only thing that will give me the strength to stop her. Now go!”

Button Mash nodded as he gripped the flash drive in his mouth before running off.

“Now Mr. Gabe” said Celestia “It seems your time is up!”

“No!” said Gabe as he stammered to stand up “You can’t stop me Celestia! And you can’t stop gaming! No matter what console we buy, even though PC is the best, and no matter what platform we play on, again PC is the best and buy our new Steam Box, as gamers we will always stand against tyrannical scrubs like you!”

---

Button mash ran to the New York Valve headquarters, he burst through the door as the door’s security guard quickly jumped up from his chair.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“No time!” yells Button Mash “Gabe sent me!”

“If Gabe sent you then I would have been told that… Wait… Is that… The flash drive!” the guard quickly grabs at his belt and withdraws his keys. “Here, let me escort you to our server room”

---

“But that’s where you’re wrong Gabe!” declares Celestia “I can stop you, I can stop all of humanity, I can stop all of your governments, I can stop all of your gaming!”

“No!” Gabe declared “As long as I stand, gaming shall continue forth forever!”

“Well then, I guess I’ll have to make sure you’re no longer standing!”

Celestia lowered her head as she pointed her horn at Gabe, her horn began to glow as Gabe braced himself for the impact.

---

“The server port is right here!” said the guard.

Button Mash quickly jumped up to the nearest USB port as he quickly slammed the flash drive into the massive server.

---

“So Gabe” says Celestia. “Any last words?”

Suddenly, a man yells out from the crowd while holding his smartphone “Holy shit! Half-Life 3 is out!”

“What?” says Celestia.

Just then, an energy shoots out from every PC in the world, the energy quickly flowed into Gabe giving him power.

Celestia turned back towards Gabe as she shot a spell at him, as the spell struck Gabe it bounced off of him and shoots off into the sky. Gabe then turns towards Celestia as he throws his crowbar at Celestia, the crowbar spins in the air before striking Celestia’s horn and causing it to snap off her head.

“Aaaaaaargh!” she yells as she falls over gripping the stub that was her horn. “How?! How could you possibly beat me?!”

“It’s simple” says Gabe “Don’t mess with gaming biiiiiiiiiiiitch! Ha ha!”

A disco ball descended from Trump Tower as everyone in the streets began to dance and party, Celestia skulked off in shame as Button Mashed returned to Gabe.

“Good job kid!” Gabe said to Button Mash as he picked him up and place him on his shoulders. “Now, have a free copy of Half-Life 3, on me!” he said as he handed him a Half-Life 3 Steam code.

The night ended with more partying, dancing, the permanent closing of all Conversion Bureaus, and a Steam sale.

The End.

Author's Note:

The Lard's Prayer:

Our Gaben, who art in Bellevue
Rotund be thy shape
The half-life (never) come
Thy will be done on earth
as it is in Valve
Give us this day our daily vidya
And forgive us for our pirating
as we forgive those who pirate alongside us
May VAC lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from hacking
For thine kingdom is the VALVe
the Steam, and the vidya
For ever and ever
Gaben

Comments

[waaaaaaah]

Unbelievably, this really works! Good job!

[Razalon The Lizardman]

I never thought I'd say this, but... I'm rooting for TCB.

[Boyzilla]

I read a masterpiece.

[Azure Blackstone]

Odd, I never saw this in Gabe Newell Simulator.

[Carpinus Caroliniana]

Ah ha ha!

It looks like Gabe's HEV suit really does work! Amazed they made one in his size.

[dragonjek]

And then the Rapture happened.

[snowblind]

Gabe newell the jesus of gamers? perhaps.

[UniqueSKD]

Undetale rules, and Gabe Newell is a douchebag.

Come at me, bros and hoes.

[Aranea]

Our Father, which art at Valve,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Games come.
Thy will be done in Steam Machine,
As it is in PC gaming.
Give us this day our daily sale.
And forgive us our need to sleep,
As we forgive them that sleep beside us.
And lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from Uplay.
For thine are the Steam,
The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.

[Synthetic Soul]

[ThatGuyorThing]

*Applauds and giggles hysterically* That is a very funny story that I love, nice job on the writing but it's needs a little bit more explosions if ya know if I mean? xD, yeah sorry I'm just somewhat of a gaming and book nerd/geek so I do apologize for my behavior but yeah, nice job :D

[Rhombicosidodecahedron]

This was worth the weight.

[LeoneHaxor]

What's that, pro-TCB? The future will have pastel ponies wiping out humanity? Ha! Gaben will release Half-Life 3 before the Conversion Bureaus take over the world.

OH WAIT

[Kilobytes]

The real winner here, is Donald Trump.

[Base-Delta-Zero]

Praise be to Gaben!

6805658 No wonder how he's funding his Presidential Campaign! He's swindling ([not-so] small) loans of a million [insert currency here] for letting people in or out of Trump Tower!

[UglyTurnip]

Quite the memetastic story you have there. I love it!

[Admiral_Gravleos]

Gaben is murica incarnate.

[That_Gamer_Scout]

6850430 Thank you for the freedom boner.
pre14.deviantart.net/3381/th/pre/f/2012/183/0/6/ronald_reagan_riding_a_velociraptor_by_sharpwriter-d55rsh7.jpg

[Admiral_Gravleos]

6866870

[Irregular Quiche]

I want an animated short of this greatness

[Irregular Quiche]

6768843 but wait, undertale is on steam, which was CREATED by valve, founded by GABE NEWELL

[UniqueSKD]

7057398 Gave Newell also has a twisted janky arm, if his Simulation video game is anything to go by.

[ArceusDescent]

“Exactly! You don’t understand how amazing gaming is! Seriously just cut this shit out, we can live in peace. How about we call it even and I release a TF2 update with more hats in it, what'da say?”

WHYY?!

[Solo Wing of The Abyss]

6768843 Thou art a heretic! BLAM

[Magnus Orion]

square root of -infinity/19 no anthem no fav

[Super Soldier]

6766635
What is the Rapture?

[dragonjek]

8632695
Rapture? That's the event wherein the faithful of Christianity are supposed to be brought fully and bodily to Heaven.

At one point in time, it was also the stated release date of Half-Life 3.

[Super Soldier]

8635634
Thank you.

[Shadow of the Night]

Ah, this is such a fun flashback to another era. Gave me some nice gigglies.