• Published 22nd Dec 2015
  • 9,181 Views, 99 Comments

You Came to the Wrong Neighborhood - Thread Necromancer



Celestia tries to invade but is faced by the most 2 most feared gangs in the US.

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Oh no.

The Equestrian troops marched through the cracked streets, Celestia was in the middle of the formation, preaching about a potion that would turn humans into peaceful ponies. But a decently sized group of Bloods and Crips gang members in a local club weren’t gonna have any of it.

“Aight my niggas, here’s the situalation: We got some bitch-ass cracker wantin’ to turn us into lil’ pussy-ass ponies. What we gon’ do ‘bout it?” Announced a Blood.

A Crip answered, “Well obviously, we gon’ beat that bitch ass!” the crowd murmured in agreement.

“K den. Any nigga dat agrees say ‘Yes, fam.’” There was a combined, loud ‘yes, fam’ in response. “Any punk-asses that opposal this idea say ‘Nah, son’” Absolute silence. “It’s settled den. Go home, grab a weapon, and we gon’ knock this ho out at around 3 in the afternoon.” No objections.

A sudden sea of blue and red lay before Celestia. “Accept our ways and become a pony. Failing to comply will be seen as an act of aggression and dealt with harshly.”

A man with a blue shirt at the front of the crowd yelled, “Nah bitch, how yo gon’ esspect me to side wit yo pale cracker-ass? Ya’ll got me fucked up!”

“Very well then, It looks like you group of buffoons leave me no cho-”

“YEET!” shouted a crowd member, as he threw a glass bottle with a flaming cloth shoved in it. It shattered near Celestia’s hooves and coated the ground in a sheet of fire. It easily broke her soldiers up and Celestia was completely exposed. “Attack them!” she ordered. The rest of the soldiers charged in, but rapid flashes and loud bangs came from the crowd. The charging soldiers dropped dead one after another. The troops that were on fire and panicking a moment before had re-organized.

Now it was the gangs’ turn to make an offensive. They rushed towards the remaining fighters with bats, knives, shovels, and one even wielded a scooter into battle. A vicious melee erupted. Those with shovels used the edge to dig into a spear shaft and keep it pinned to the ground while the brutes with bats knocked the enemy’s sorry-ass out while they were preoccupied. Many had knives with better crafted blades that Equestria’s iron spear tips. The blades could penetrate the soft gold armor inflict major damage. The infamous “scooter-savage” fearlessly charged into the brawl. He swung the scooter’s platform around the the axis and plowed through soldiers, smashing the handlebars into heads and swinging the edge into exposed ankles, leaving many soldiers lying on the ground and clutching their hooves, holding back tears.

The humans emerged victorious. Celestia was furious “What a bunch of useless soldiers. Fine, I guess I will deal with you myself!” Her horn glowed and a blinding beam shot out. She swept it through the crowd but when she stopped, no one seemed affected. “Impossible…” she said with her jaw hanging lower than most of her enemies’ tax balances. “How did you-?”

“‘CUS WE BLACK!” exclaimed a woman in red. “Biomestry taught me dat darker colors obsorb light.”

Celestia’s mane was set ablaze in rage as she screamed through clenched teeth. “MARK MY WORDS, I’LL BE BA-” she was cut off by a sharp pain in her neck. She looked down and saw a disc protruding from her throat. In sharpie, “Dequan’s Mixtape” was written on the disc. The injury began to burn, Celestia tore the disk out to see actual fire coming from the wound. There was faint tune that sounded like it was coming from the cut. The music increased in volume and fire grew and spread rapidly. Celestia tried desperately to put it out. Her last words were “THE BEAT'S TOO HOT, GET THE WATER NIGGA!” before collapsing and turning into an unrecognizable crispy corpse.

From that day onward, the once rival gangs set aside their nonexistent differences and vowed to defend their hood homeland as one.

Author's Note:

First fic.

Comments ( 91 )

Wow,just wow.:pinkiehappy:

Can't tell if racest or funny as hell

that with the scooter was a good one i have to give you that point oh and you can also use a shovel as an improved axe and you can hit others with it on the head which can be really deadly

6756425 in ww1 and 2 shovels where used as meleee weapons china still does and china even has a special military shovel

If that's your first story, then I pretend you write more. 'Cause when I red it I jizzed in my pants.

That is how it is done in the hood

6756490 not many know that but you should see a video to the chinese military shovel that thing even has a grappling hook and maybe dozens of other functions those asians sure can be creative

6756839 That's how I know about it.

“‘CUS WE BLACK!” exclaimed a woman in red. “Biomestry taught me dat darker colors obsorb light.”

Probably the best Deus Ex Machina I have ever heard.

6756880 funniest thing i ever did read.

6756880 seriously you know that video too?

The humans emerged victorious. Celestia was furious “What a bunch of useless soldiers. Fine, I guess I will deal with you myself!” Her horn glowed and a blinding beam shot out. She swept it through the crowd but when she stopped, no one seemed affected. “Impossible…” she said with her jaw hanging lower than most of her enemies’ tax balances. “How did you-?”

“‘CUS WE BLACK!” exclaimed a woman in red. “Biomestry taught me dat darker colors obsorb light.”

what

Seriously, this ought to be comedy tagged. That line was just too hilarious.

As a black American, I approve of this story.

6757222 Mhm. It's a shovel with like 200 uses.

6757511 You're talking to the person you claimed is "...not as funny as you think you are" literally a couple days ago.

6757897
I do not see the problem.

6757882 the swiss army knife in the shovel buisness

I GOT MA REAL NIGGAS HEA BY MA SIDE

Pour out some liquor for the real niggaz.

If Pirus and Crips...all got along..

..they'd probably gun me down by the end of the song.

This is stupidly amazing.

Such niggatry, it's so powerful!

"mommy, what is this?"

The infamous “scooter-savage” fearlessly charged into the brawl. He swung the scooter’s platform around the the axis and plowed through soldiers, smashing the handlebars into heads and swinging the edge into exposed ankles, leaving many soldiers lying on the ground and clutching their hooves, holding back tears.

that was me in a nutshell.

omg... this... so much yes :rainbowlaugh:
Hahahaha

This was mother fucking awesome this bitch got burned messing with the wrong gang

This would make a great song

7151213 I could imagine someone makes a rap song based on this story.

This was ultimately fucking beautiful as hell

I'm offensive, and I find this... wait, no. That doesn't work.

I'm a stereotype and I think this is... uh. Gah that doesn't sound right either!

You know what? This was just funny. Blatantly, outrageously, lungs-burning-because-I-was-laughing-so-hard-while-reading-it funny.
For a first story, you really nailed it with the silliness. Nice one.:rainbowlaugh:

fucking ridiculous. Love it and forever will. :rainbowlaugh:

What is...

but...

I can't logic this.

i.imgur.com/9iWz8ii.jpg

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?!
media.giphy.com/media/hmQqA7vgZK716/giphy.gif

7280003 You actually listened to me and skipped the whole first chapter didn't you?

Edit: Nevermind, I guess I really do have an unjust hole in my story... WAAAAA-

You came to the wrong neighborhood, mothafucka. Us humans are really good at inventing ways to kill.

You dun fucked up, Celestia. Came to da wroooong neighbahood

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