• Published 26th Dec 2015
  • 17,336 Views, 4,485 Comments

Equestrian Eeveelution. - Symphonicdysonince



So, my friends and I woke up in this forest none of us recognize, and were scattered by these wooden dog things. Now I gotta find my friends before we get into any more trouble. Now if only I wasn't a foot tall, and can say more than "Eevee"....

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Bonus: The One Thing.

Author's Note:

Regarding Adenbadens' comment here.... Let it never be said I backed down from a challenge!

This is a spoof of John Mulaney's The One Thing You Can't Replace. I own none of the rights to it, and I highly recommend you check the original out.

[Vince]

I had left Ponyville for Vanhoover a while back to help the local Apples with their farm. I had also gained a reputation for stand up comedy at the Apples' personal pub. Tonight was one of my gig nights, and everything had been going smoothly. Now, however, it was time to wrap things up. Judging the crowd, and seeing no youth, I figured they were ready for this story.

"Another story I heard about myself," I began, "this one happened while I was still in school. Uh, we had this teacher whose pup went to our school. His name was LaMorac, and his son, Zann LaMorac, went to our school. Zann was just starting, but I was two months ahead of him. And Mister LaMorac was an asshole. One weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do, if you're an asshole. And Zann LaMorac decided to throw a party at the teacher's house!"

I gave out a soft "hooray!"

"And everypony around town heard about it, and we all got up individually and thought: Okay. Let's go over there, and destroy the place!

"I walked into this party. Everypony I had ever met was there, and everypony was drinking like it was the end of the world. Ponies were drinking like it was the Unification Period and a doctor was coming around to saw our legs off!

"It was totally unsupervised." I smirked out over the audience. "We were like dogs without horses, we were running wild!" By the uproar of chuckles and giggles, I could tell some of them got the joke. Odd that they even have that idiom...

"I walked down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half! Another foal, found out which room was Mister LaMorac's and went upstairs and took a shit on his writing desk!" I waited out the stunned laughs.

"So the party was going great." I shrugged as laughter burst from the crowd. "I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a cider mug -you know the ones- and I'm standing there. And I'm holding a cider mug and I'm starting to black out. And I guess, somepony said, like: Something... Something... Guard.

"And, in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled: Buck da Royal Guard! Buck da Royal Guard!

"And everypony else joined in.

"A hundred drunk, nerdy foals yelling 'Buck. Da. Royal Guard.' With the confidence of guys who've, like, already been to the dungeons and aren't afraid of it any more. Y' know that 'I-served-my-five-bit, you-come-and-take-me' confidence. But nerdy foals.

"The reason somepony had said 'something something Guard', was because the Royal Guard were there. So, a Vanhoover Royal Guardspony walked down the stairs and got the bottom in the basement, and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling 'Buck the Royal Guard' in his face!

"And he was almost impressed. He's like: Wo~w... And then he leaned back up the stairs, and went: Get the paddy wagon!

"And my friend, Leo -who is now a mother, this girl now has a pup- She grabbed a Party Popper, lit the fuse and threw it on the ground and yelled: Scatter!" I took a quick breath. I'm so glad Zann managed to patent those. I thought as the crowd laughed again.

"And everypony ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that time at the Gala, when the critters came in from the gardens and the guests all ran in different ways. We all ran in different directions. I ran into the laundry room, and I jumped up on the washing machine, and I crawled out a window into the backyard! And now I'm running through the backyard, and there's this big chain link fence, and I thought I've never climbed a fence that high before! And then I woke up at home."

I let the laughter die off. "On Monday, I went to school, because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the school building, and who do I see but Zann LaMorac. And he says to me: Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?

"And I said: No. Y'know, like a liar.

"And he said: Things really got out of hoof. Somepony broke the pool table... Somepony took a shit on my dad's writing desk... But the worst thing, he says, the worst thing is that somepony stole these old antique photos of my grandmother, and my parents are freaking out about it..." The room was silent. I could see a mare even covering her mouth.

"And I had that thought, that only black out drunks -and Prince Blueblood- can have.... Did, did I do that? I figured, No, I wouldn't have done that.

"But I was never sure. Until, two months later." I paused as the many ponies gasped. "Relax." I waited out their laughter.

"I'm playing board games with this pup named Cy, that we also went to school with. Two months later, we've graduated by now. We're playing board games for a couple hours, and then Cy says to me: Hey, come here. I want to show you something. And he takes me into his bedroom. And then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom -Never a good thing to have." I swiped my paw out. "And he shows me a tiny room, that is covered, wall to wall, in stolen antique photos from different ponies' parties, over the years.

"And I said: Why?" I whispered into the microphone. "Why do you do this?

"And Cy said: Because it's the one thing you can't replace!

"That's the end of that story!" I said over the crowd's howling laughter. "But how bucked up is that, right? That's crazy!" I sighed as everypony got their giggles under control.

"So I don't drink anymore." I didn't give them that chance. "Thanks, everypony, you've been wonderful. Have a good night!" I left the stage to roaring laughter and applause.

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