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When I finished off Grima I did not expect to be pulled into Equestria. But that’s what happened, I mean it wouldn't have been so bad if I was still human, but now I'm in a body of a colt. And there is this strange creature that looks like someone just put a bunch of random body parts from different animals together and called it good. I thought that being the living avatar of the Dragon of Destruction was weird.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Mmm... I like this!
I'll be awaiting more
I think this has something to do with Fire Emblem yes? While I´m suprised that he is crying the second time he woke up without any meories, it actually wasn´t bad.
Someone said he is supposed to be Sombra? I hope he isn´t just copying the real Sombras personality and everything, and maybe after they have beaten him, he get´s his own personality back.
I just read more and look if I still want it that way.
I nearly got the feeling that he actually was a nice guy.
aaaahhhhhh
I don´t know, to my eyes this story looks a bit rushed.
What is this a crossover of?
7686414 Fire Emblem Awakening.
one of my favorite games for the 3ds.
So the main character is going to be female now?
7766339 Only for a little bit. He is not just going to roll over and accept it!
7093406 First thing, that was Dissy being a d***. Second thing, it does look kina rushed.
A Midnight Review
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/b/b4/Sunset_Shimmer_writing_thoughtfully_EG3.png/revision/latest?cb=20151013173527
Hello from your neighborhood MidnightChaos, reviewing another Displaced story for shits and giggles, as well the benefit of the author if I can manage it. There will be jokes, possibly memes, and some spelling and grammar corrections. Opinions and wording may be seen as offensive but I will try to tone down the level of bitter asshole I usually put into things.
Alright, starting with the title let me explain a few things. First off, if you truly want to use that title, please maybe capitalize it so it looks like this:
Or just flat out drop the My Little Pony part, since we already know it has to contain that considering the website you’ve uploaded it to. Even if you upload it to ff.net, you have to tag it with MLP in the categories or whatever. Simply put, that part is unnecessary. That aside, I think Tactics would be a more eye catching name that may just draw in readers more.
The short description is utterly blunt and very bland, sorry to say. Not just that, but it’s missing capitalization and has some spelling errors.
This is how it should look, if you aren’t willing to redo it. And, I should mention this fic is eerily similar to The Awakening of a Tactician and I should like to recommend some changes so it doesn't look like the same fic, as it originally did to me.
Short mode. I do not like this description and find it incredibly disinteresting. It’s also filled with a few errors. And, since this bit isn’t up to me, I’ll just make the corrections below.
Okay, I’ve made those corrections and some minor changes. On a sidenote, I feel like this contains numerous spoilers as to the storyline and the mention of Discord in such a manner is just strange and reads oddly. I have no idea what Grima is, though I assume that’s a boss of some sort in the game. Making him a colt, and not an adult, confuses me unless you have some underlying reason you reveal later on?
I’ll give you this, it does look mildly interesting but not in a way that holds my interest. Bonus points for making him become a pony though, as that isn’t done much.
Moving on…
??? I see a repeating pattern with capitalization errors, might want to double check everything as you look over it. At current time, I’m not ready to suggest removal of the prologue aspect so, keep this in mind.
*groan* I am so sorry but, what? Who is Crow? Why is there purple text used for other person? And, why is he looking at himself? Who is this friend of his? Why is he seeing his own mistakes from other timelines? What is dark energy and what is a Flux spell? This last question is probably a fandom thing, but if I’m wrong feel free to correct me. Anyways, this seems like a very poor set-up and I don’t find it all that interesting. It’s rather confusing.
That aside, can I inquire as to why you saw using present tense as the method for this? I can’t even use that when roleplaying, even in those very rare instances I do so. Why is there a future self? Why is there-oh wait. The title suggests… Does he sacrifice his older self or something? If so, clever foreshadowing, not so clever set-up for this event. I’m also seeing some errors with dialogue.
I’m going to suggest switching to past tense as it makes the entire process of writing ten times easier in maintaining a pattern. It also makes it much easier for your readers. Anyways, this does not seem promising, suffice to say.
*neck cracks* Okay, I tried to follow this and almost broke my neck at the speed I had to go. I’m going to disregard the present tense format as I’ve already talked about it. So, apparently I was kind of off about the whole thing. He plans to sacrifice himself to save others. That's very cliche, sorry. However, it almost makes up for it since it’s his future self. Almost.
For a minute, or for a moment? I believe you mean moment, because a minute is a bit too long and makes this weird. Minute can be used in less urgent situations, but when it’s used in this context it could end up being taken a bit too literally and ends up breaking the flow of the story.
Please drop the purple text, at that. We don’t need it to tell who is speaking if you write it with enough detail. I think my problem with this bit is that we have no set-up and reason for it. I think I would prefer to read chapter one and completely lose this “prologue”. Anyways, that’s just too many periods and an unnecessary placement of “ellipses”.
“I state as I attack him with my spell.” ...What. Okay, I assume it’s the Flux spell mentioned earlier but I have no idea what that spell does and flux just means something does not have a constant state, basically. The dialogue is mostly fine here, but the lack of detail is like drawing a circle and saying, “This is a moon.”
?...?...? Ellipses because my confusion lasted awhile here. First off, I think the first paragraph, if it can even be called that, should be split up to fix the flow. I can understand his friend screaming for him, but the lack of detail otherwise makes this far less intriguing. Who is Crow? Who is Crow as a person? Who is their friend? No, seriously, I have no idea who this third character is in any form. It’s like he was just added to add drama that doesn’t even exist.
I have no reason to be attached to these characters for this event. And, this last bit doesn’t add the drama it should because to me it holds absolutely no weight. We don’t know who his friends are.
“Darkness, nothing but darkness, and emptiness all around me.” I think… I’ve got nothing, I have nothing to say about this for the image it gives but I can say that the bit between commas could be removed and you could describe how he feels because of it.
Afterlife is one word, not two. Anyways, this mental dialogue would hold more weight if we knew anything about this character at all. I think I know more about the math involved in rocket science than I do this character.
...DISCORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M HOWLING AT THE MOON BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. DISCORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No seriously, this is like chucking a rock at someone and yelling catch AFTER it smacks them in the side of the head. I understand the why, but ffs. Anyways, isn’t this guy supposed to be a Displaced who supposedly was in Equestria? Shouldn’t he know who Discord is? Or even, for fuck’s sakes, who voices him or something? He should at least recognize the voice or something. Hell, this is a perfect opportunity to use the John De Lancy joke.
“I try to sense where the voice is coming from but to no avail.” This feels incomplete, and could probably be worded differently and read similarly but read better. Also, you forgot to space between these two paragraphs.
In the last bit, that should be a question mark, not an exclamation point. Especially if you say “I yell” which makes it obvious he is shouting.
That’s an example for your information which I hope you will file away.
Sweet Celestia, its Discord! How unexpected! This first bit is standalone dialogue which is, I suppose, fine in these circumstances though ti could be better and les convoluted. For instance, why does he need to explain this?
So now he’s confused. Alright, that seems right. Let’s be confused by the word somepony, and not the fact a disembodied god of chaos is speaking to you whilst in limbo. I suppose, considering the set-up, that might not be the weirdest thing ever. Also, holy FUCK, I think you actually used that semicolon properly.
...Discord is a dick, it seems. More dickish than necessary, but that’s just my opinion. Anyways, Discord ranting about that is kind of intimidating.
So, he feels pain, and the nothing. This is like eating ice and expecting the taste of rainbow sherbert; its blander than water.
...Wall of text. Break that up, please. Anyways, so he conveniently hears Discord say that, how odd. Anyways, so Discord is sitting on a throne musing about the person in front of him? That’s not very Discord-like.
“Proper introductions”? Alright, that makes sense. Discord and… There’s who Crow is, got it. So this character IS Crow, which I can honestly say wasn’t that well established. This whole thing reads like an anon fic, to be frank. I think “yadda yadda yadda” is the most in-character thing Discord has done so far.
Making him look at himself… Kind of less interesting, though I suppose it’s great for setting up the next bit of needless shenanigans as opposed to an interesting bit where you can establish a bit of the character’s personality.
He’s now a silver unicorn with a red and purple mane? Okay, setting the silver bit aside, I’m not sure this whole color scheme is all that appeasing to the eyes. Then again, it could be if done right. However, red and purple indicate Mary Sue, and OP, for this character. That, of course, is just inference and my opinion, so feel free to disregard that.
Again, kudos for turning him into a pony nonetheless. “Flowing” so, what kind of flowing? Celestia flowing, or just like normal hair? I honestly can’t grasp which, so to save face we’ll use the second one.
Three hyphens, nice. You could have just used a !? instead. However, we do have the second bit that’s in character for Discord here.
Okay, seven trees, a few bushes, and a hysterical god of chaos. That’s the surroundings… Except, wait. We have literally nothing yet, but we get it in the next paragraph after the in character actions of Discord reappear. Also, how the fuck does he know how to walk on all fours? And, using the word stock disrupts the flow, since it’s not the best word to use here. I believe “take in the odd surroundings into which I found myself thrusted into by this self-proclaimed god of chaos.” Or something to that effect would be better.
“Wondering” are they posing like the Thinker? I’m rabbiting, I’m rabbiting… Anyways, I think you mean wandering. I suggest, once again, an editor. Did Discord seriously snap his fingers? Wait, Discord has claws, paws, or hooves. No fingers. Let’s just say he snapped his claws instead, or something.
...The actual fuck. Discord just decides to take his memories? What kind of psychopath… Actually, this would make a bit of sense with Discord but it’s still really jarring. And, move ‘Oh dung’ somewhere else down the line, maybe AFTER he trips?
Why does he feel pain having his memories removed? Is Discord taking bits of his brain or something? Blandness FTW. Also, your dialogue and capitalization issues have returned.
DUN DUN DUN DUH! *trumpets blast* *loud cheering* WOOOO BABY HERE THEY COME! I mean, this is just screaming “I did this out of convenience” to me.
...I honestly have no words here because… like… I just don’t. This is jarring, confusing, and mind boggling all at once. Not to mention the tenses keep switching, it honestly does not help one bit.
So, Discord likes having slaves instead of just using them for chaos? Gotcha, that makes sense with his character…. NO IT DOESN’T! Why would a being who can later reality on a whim need a slave, or even THREE? Why is he even asking that, it’s rhetorical question.
Okay, maybe rethink Celestia’s declaration and maybe add detail because this is blander than plain pudding.
...I’m pretty sure Discord wouldn’t actively say this, and even in the show his confidence didn’t portray itself in such a manner. In fact, I’m willing to say Discord is the most OOC I’ve ever seen him, and he’s the lord of chaos.
…-_-. That’s it? Seriously? Like, no big fight scene or even a better fight scene? Absolutely nothing. The biggest moment in history for the entirety of the world and you choose to make it blander than dirt. And, how did it emit? I have next to no context and even prior knowledge is starting to fail.
Luna, I think you just set off something. I can’t think of what it is, at the moment…
Okay, so the princesses finally notice that he’s there which is good and I suppose makes a tad of sense, since they had to deal with Dickord, er, Discord.
...Celestia apparently must not know how to deal with children. Anyway, I actually facepalmed at this next bit because it makes the entirety of this chapter, not prologue because it clearly would fit better as an actual chapter, completely and utterly pointless. Seriously, you could have started this with him not remembering anything and it would make for a better and more intriguing story in general.
...Memories, not memory’s, by the way. And, he starts crying for no reason to be blunt. I really don’t think you would cry when you have no idea what you’ve lost. It’s like you’re trying to attach it to the rest of this chapter, but it’s completely and utterly pointless and illogical from a storytelling standpoint.
Okay, so he finally actually says he doesn’t remember. On a sidenote… what? Like, no seriously. Why is ONLY Celestia talking. Luna would be good to use so you can bounce their character off each other.
Introductions, good good. However, why in the name of Cthulhu would she ask about his name when he already said he doesn’t remember anything? I suppose, from some standpoints, it makes a bit of sense, but I think it’s weird and clearly setting up for the next paragraph and sentence. I also think it’s very odd that he thinks of the word checkmate with nothing hinting to why, in the story, other than the fact he’s allegedly a tactician. To be honest, I can say you most definitely need to be a tactician of some sort in order to write.
...Yup, there’s that convenient set-up for giving Crow the name Checkmate. In fact, after reading all of this I can say it's very detrimental to the start of this story especially since you rename the character off the bat and turn him into what constitutes as an OC.
Kudos for using the actual character, I think? I honestly can’t be sure if this character was already an OC or if he was a canon character to Fire Emblem. Nothing tells me otherwise, and the story just consistently says “This is Crow” only to fuck you over by renaming him Checkmate.
To be perfectly frank, this is NOT a prologue chapter and it honestly shouldn’t even be a chapter. There is very little of importance here that doesn’t spoiler the adventure beyond this point. You’re going to have to try very hard to compete with the other Tactician story. I left all of the errors because I'm lazy, and have already suggested an editor among other things.
On a new sidenote, this review is longer than the chapter itself.
These review will take place as long as people request them and mean no offense to the authors within. Also, I hope you all take to heart these suggestions and use them yourselves just as I hope the authors do. I hope, especially, that the author of the story in question also does not take offense and sees this as what I am trying to make it out to be. Constructive criticism.
Use these reviews as references for what you should and shouldn't do. Like in this fic, there are some good things with the bad. Key example that I've not seen all that many turned-into-a-pony Displaced fics. Alongside that, the premise at the end of this chapter could be interesting if done well.
[Pokes the story with a stick] Is it breathing I can't tell it might be twitching a bit but can't tell if it's dead.
8947712
Not dead but on life support. Real life has been kicking my butt. I am working on the next chapter though.
8948315
Okay, I thought I would check been re-reading some stories in my tracking.
7766369
need more