prologue: Self-sacrifice (Rewrite)
"Now Crow! This is our chance! I'm going to finish it!" I heard from the person next to me. I looked at him as he readied his sword to strike the world ender to cause him to sleep for another two thousand years. I then looked at our foe and saw my own face staring back at me. All of my memories and mistakes from both time lines flashed before my eyes. I then recalled what Naga the dragon of light said before we she sent us up onto Grima’s back, ‘The only thing that can destroy Grima for good is his own power.’
‘I will not let this so called god destroy this world again, even if I have to sacrifice myself to do so. I gladly give me life so the people who took me in when I had nothing but my name are safe from this monstrosity for ever.’ With this thought in mind I started to charge my dark energy into a Flux spell.
"Crow?! Wait, what are...", my friend stuttered.
"...What...What are you doing?",asked my future self with a trace of uncertainty in his voice.
"For once, I'm glad that we are the same person. Now I can give my life to save my loved ones."
For a minute he looked at me with doubt in his eyes then says, "You would not dare!"
"I would and I will. The evils you would visit upon this world are unspeakable... In some way I share the blame. It's only right we go together!" I stated as I attacked him with my spell.
As I watched him fade away I felt myself slipping away from reality. "Crow! No!" I heard my friend cry.
“Thank you for everything, let the others know that my last thoughts were of them... may we meet again in a better life."
Just before I faded from conscious I could have sworn I heard Naga’s voice say, “This one failed like all the rest. Collect the soul and get everything ready for the next cycle. This time we will make it a female manakete. Maybe that will free my brother from his curse.”
Darkness, nothing but darkness and emptiness all around me. I couldn't even move and the the only thing I felt was an agonizing cold. 'Is this it? Is this what the afterlife is? Just nothing for eternity?' I thought.
"Well that was a fine piece of chaos if I do say so myself. I mean, how many other people can say that they were the destruction and salvation of their own world multiple times. Bravo. Such chaos deserves to be free from the restricting bonds of order that is an universal time loop. Yes I do think I will take you off Naga's hands." A voice that came out of the darkness said accompanied by clapping. I tried to sense where the voice was coming from but to no avail.
"Who's there!" I yelled into the void.
"Who me? Well I'm the the god of chaos. The one, the only Discord!!” The voice bragged to the sound of trumpets and oddly enough a chime at the end. “Now I bet you're wondering what a god of chaos like me wants with you? Well, I've gotten bored with the ponies in my home reality. I mean none of them would know a good joke if it bit them on the flank. So I’m going to set you loose on your fellow ponies and see what chaos you create."
"ponies... don't you mean people?" I asked confused. "Besides, what makes you think I would help you; I've spent all of my life fighting against tyrants!"
"That's the fun thing about it, you won't have a choice. See I can alter your mind and flip your personality to its opposite. Now this is going to hurt, but try to bear through it." Suddenly I felt a lot of pain, after what felt like an eternity I last fell into unconscious.
" So he started out in the body of the six legged Sleipnir, well nuts. I was hoping he would end up a siren, oh well. Now let's see, what shall I do with him?" I heard the voice that identified itself as Discord ask as I started to come to. I slowly opened my eyes to see an unusual creature made up of different animals sitting on a throne. "Ah I see that you've woken up. Now, proper introductions can be made. I am Discord and you my little example of murphy's law are Crow, the avatar of Grima the dragon of destruction yadda yadda yadda. Now before you say anything I've got to ask why the long face?" He asked while holding up a mirror while trying to hold in a laugh. As I look in the mirror, suddenly I notice a bizarre, young, silver pony with a black curved horn sticking out of it's forehead and a flowing red and purple mane.
"What the..." I squeaked out in a higher pitch voice. I tried to back up but I only managed to trip and fall backwards. I looked around to see what tripped me and I noticed that I now had six legs instead of two that I was use to or the four that a normal pony would have. By this point, Discord was rolling on the ground laughing.
"You should see the look on your face, it's priceless!" As he was laughing, I got up on all six of my legs and took stock of my surroundings.
I saw pink clouds that were leaking some kind of brown liquid to the ground, just like rain. There were weird rabbits with long legs wandering around, while trees were hanging upside down. Suddenly I heard fingers snap, I turned towards Discord just to notice that he's walking towards me. "I've got it! I'll just take away your memories of your past life and make you a chaos lord like me. Watching you make the transformation to a true being of chaos might just be interesting enough to stave of my boredom. Now get over here!" 'Oh dung' I thought as I tried to get away, only to trip in my haste.
"Gotcha, now this won't hurt me a bit." Quipped Discord, as he put one of his talons on my forehead. I began to feel agonizing pain as I felt my memories fade away and something else taking their place.
"Discord, let go of that colt this instance!" While the pain slowly faded, I looked in the direction of the new voice and gasped. There were two large ponies standing in the distance, one had white fur and a long flowing mane with multiple shifting colors in it that seemed to move in the wind, while the other one had dark blue fur and what looked like the night sky including the stars in her mane, both had horns jutting from their heads and wings on their back.
"Oh, if it isn't the two baby alicorns.” Discord responded to their demand. But as he uttered those words both alicorns were instantly dressed in baby bibs and had pacifiers in their mouths. “How long has it been, twenty or thirty years? What are you two doing here?" Discord asked the two. “ No wait let me guess, You are here to avenge your mother whom I sent to another dimension. What makes you think you can succeed where old Ink butt couldn't? Are you under the impression that she will come back if you defeat me? That's the best joke I’ve heard all month and I heard the one about the shark, the anchor and the bowl of pudding so that's really saying something. Now why don't you go and do whatever it is that alicorns do when not bothering little old me.”
"No we are here to put an end to your tyranny!" The white one declared.
"Oh very well. I will humor you but first you will have to get past my son. Can you bring yourselves to hurt a little foal?" Discord stated as he disappeared and then reappeared on his throne with a bag of seeds in his claws and started eating seeds. He then snapped his finger again. At that moment I was suddenly filled with a need to protect him and a burning hatred for the two alicorns in front of me. I took another look at the alicorns and activated my Tactician’s eye ability to get an idea of just what I had to deal with. The moment I used my ability my head was flooded with a lot of information.
‘Ok so only two enemies and one ally in a ten mile radius. Enemies are alicorns named Celestia and Luna. Celestia, the white one is fire specialist and is proficient in spear warfare. Luna, the blue one is a master at conjuring and mind magic. She also seems to be good with a sword. Neither of them are wearing any kind of armor which means that they will be faster at moving being unencumbered by weight. They both have three necklaces that radiate magic power of unknown origin. The necklaces may give some type of damage resistance or power boost to those who were them, which would prove quite troublesome. That’s it for information of my foes. I appear to now have full knowledge on how to move in this body and I also seem to generate lighting type magic naturally and don't require any spell books or chanting to cast it. I also seem to be getting mana directly feed to me from Discord. I can’t sense anything else about him which means that he has some kind of ability that prevents me from getting information from him. Back to the matter on hand as I am a smaller target I will be harder to hit but at the same time this body of mine doesn’t have any protection so one hit and I’m done for. So that means I have to go with a aggressive fighting style and keep them on the defensive to live through this.’ I thought to myself in the fifteen seconds after I got the information from tactician's eye.
“We are not going to fight a young pony! How dare you suggest tha…” Luna started to say before being blasted back a couple of yards by the bolt of lightning that I sent at her while she was distracted. She fell on her side with traces of electricity running over her body causing her mussels to spasm uncontrollably.
“Luna!!!” Celestia cried out in worry.
“Never underestimate an opponent based on looks alone.” I snarled at the alicorns as I charged lighting directly into my body increasing my speed and reaction time. “ Also If you are going to step on a battlefield you should be ready to do whatever is necessary to win.” I yelled as I charged at Celestia at lightning speed. But just as I was about to hit her with my lightning charged hoof she moved to the left dodging my strike. ‘Ok she reacted before she even saw me, which means she either has had years on the battlefield or she somehow can predict my movements.’ I thought to myself as I continued to attack her but she still dodged my every strike.
‘She must have a weakness. What is it. It's like she can see the future the moment I make a decision to attack it seems that her style of combat is defensive. She has also been dodging my attacks rather than blocking and why hasn't she pulled out a weapon it’s like she doesn't want to hurt me.’ I mused as I continued to attack, I then noticed that Luna was getting back up. ‘Wait, what if I put her in a situation where she has to at least block my attack? Then I can at least gage her damage resistance and spot any weaknesses.’ I then charged up my horn and rushed at the still somewhat dazed Luna. Just as I was about to hit the blue alicorn a spear shaft surrounded by a golden aura blocked my hoof. Celestia who was now in front of me holding me back with her conjured weapon. She opened her mouth to say something, probably to reprimand me for my lack of honor or something. But she never got the chance as I released the energy in my horn in the form of a giant lightning bolt right on all three of us. In the second before the bolt hit us I saw her eyes go wide. I smirked and said “Checkmate.”
When the flash of light from the lighting faded I saw that I was in a twenty foot wide, five foot deep crater. I could not see anything of my foes but I doubted that they were destroyed by that blast. As I looked around for the alicorns I noticed a steep raise in temperature. The amount of light around me was also increasing, and as my shadow was directly under me that meant that the source of light was above me. I looked up and felt my ears flatten against my head as a giant fireball was bearing down on me. “Oh, well crap!” I said in surprise. ‘ Ok so the fireball is to close for me to dodge even with my enhanced speed. But I can't just let it hit me, I'd be dead before I could say charcoal. The only thing I can think of is to overpower the spell with a direct and powerful blast of my lightning .’ I quickly deduced and started to charge all the mana that I had to my horn and fired a red colored lightning bolt directly in the center of the fireball. The bolt pierced through the fire and caused the fireball to lose its shape and for the fire to follow the path of my lighting.
‘I can't believe I forgot that they had wings. Of course they can fly and cast spells from the air.’ I berated myself as I took a deep breath at how close that on was. It was at this time that my legs decided to give out on me and I fell over onto my side. ‘No, my body can't give out on me now! I have to protect Discord. Get up now!’ I thought harshly to myself as I struggled to get up. After about five tries to get back on my hooves I finally managed to stay up. Then I scanned the area but didn't see anyone but Discord, who was still on his throne eating. ‘Where are they?’ I asked myself.
As I continued to scan the area for them I smelled a calming rose scent and started to feel sleepy. My eyes started to close as I struggled to stay awake to no avail. Just as I lost consensus I heard Luna say, “ Rest my little pony, and when you awake this nightmare will be over.”
As I started to awake I heard two voices talking. “ well we have to do something sister. The spell was not supposed to last this long.” one voice said.
“ Well what do you suggest we do? If we try to wake him magically it might react poorly to the chaos magic still in his body.” A second voice answered. At this time I tried opening my eyes and saw a two ponies talking back and forth.
“Well I don’t know but we can’t just leave him here.” the blue pony said.
‘Wait why does this seem familiar? Have I been in this position before? It feels like I've been through this multiple times.’ I thought as the two noticed that I was awake.
“Ah I see that you are awake. How are you feeling?” The blue horse asked me while holding her hoof out for me to take. When I lift my front left leg to take her hoof in mine I noticed a strange purple six eyed symbol on my hoof.
“I feel decent enough. Thank you for asking Luna.” I answered back. ‘Wait why do I know her name? I don't think I've ever seen her before.’ After hearing my say her name the blue horse shared a look with the white one.
"Excuse me young pony, but do you know where your family is?" The white one, whom my brain assigned the name Celestia to asked me. As I think about it, I realized that I didn't have any memory's before seeing them.
"No, I don't remember anything before you two showed up." I said with a noticeable amount of apathy. ‘Why don’t I care about losing my memories? You'd think that I would at least panic about not knowing anything about myself but I can’t seem to care. Maybe it has happened to me before?’ Celestia and Luna both looked at me with worry cleary on the faces.
"My name is Celestia and this is my sister Luna. Do you remember your name?" Celestia asked. I thought about it really hard but the only word that came to mind was checkmate.
I looked at her and said, "Checkmate."
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Mmm... I like this!
I'll be awaiting more
I think this has something to do with Fire Emblem yes? While I´m suprised that he is crying the second time he woke up without any meories, it actually wasn´t bad.
Someone said he is supposed to be Sombra? I hope he isn´t just copying the real Sombras personality and everything, and maybe after they have beaten him, he get´s his own personality back.
I just read more and look if I still want it that way.
A Midnight Review
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Hello from your neighborhood MidnightChaos, reviewing another Displaced story for shits and giggles, as well the benefit of the author if I can manage it. There will be jokes, possibly memes, and some spelling and grammar corrections. Opinions and wording may be seen as offensive but I will try to tone down the level of bitter asshole I usually put into things.
Alright, starting with the title let me explain a few things. First off, if you truly want to use that title, please maybe capitalize it so it looks like this:
Or just flat out drop the My Little Pony part, since we already know it has to contain that considering the website you’ve uploaded it to. Even if you upload it to ff.net, you have to tag it with MLP in the categories or whatever. Simply put, that part is unnecessary. That aside, I think Tactics would be a more eye catching name that may just draw in readers more.
The short description is utterly blunt and very bland, sorry to say. Not just that, but it’s missing capitalization and has some spelling errors.
This is how it should look, if you aren’t willing to redo it. And, I should mention this fic is eerily similar to The Awakening of a Tactician and I should like to recommend some changes so it doesn't look like the same fic, as it originally did to me.
Short mode. I do not like this description and find it incredibly disinteresting. It’s also filled with a few errors. And, since this bit isn’t up to me, I’ll just make the corrections below.
Okay, I’ve made those corrections and some minor changes. On a sidenote, I feel like this contains numerous spoilers as to the storyline and the mention of Discord in such a manner is just strange and reads oddly. I have no idea what Grima is, though I assume that’s a boss of some sort in the game. Making him a colt, and not an adult, confuses me unless you have some underlying reason you reveal later on?
I’ll give you this, it does look mildly interesting but not in a way that holds my interest. Bonus points for making him become a pony though, as that isn’t done much.
Moving on…
??? I see a repeating pattern with capitalization errors, might want to double check everything as you look over it. At current time, I’m not ready to suggest removal of the prologue aspect so, keep this in mind.
*groan* I am so sorry but, what? Who is Crow? Why is there purple text used for other person? And, why is he looking at himself? Who is this friend of his? Why is he seeing his own mistakes from other timelines? What is dark energy and what is a Flux spell? This last question is probably a fandom thing, but if I’m wrong feel free to correct me. Anyways, this seems like a very poor set-up and I don’t find it all that interesting. It’s rather confusing.
That aside, can I inquire as to why you saw using present tense as the method for this? I can’t even use that when roleplaying, even in those very rare instances I do so. Why is there a future self? Why is there-oh wait. The title suggests… Does he sacrifice his older self or something? If so, clever foreshadowing, not so clever set-up for this event. I’m also seeing some errors with dialogue.
I’m going to suggest switching to past tense as it makes the entire process of writing ten times easier in maintaining a pattern. It also makes it much easier for your readers. Anyways, this does not seem promising, suffice to say.
*neck cracks* Okay, I tried to follow this and almost broke my neck at the speed I had to go. I’m going to disregard the present tense format as I’ve already talked about it. So, apparently I was kind of off about the whole thing. He plans to sacrifice himself to save others. That's very cliche, sorry. However, it almost makes up for it since it’s his future self. Almost.
For a minute, or for a moment? I believe you mean moment, because a minute is a bit too long and makes this weird. Minute can be used in less urgent situations, but when it’s used in this context it could end up being taken a bit too literally and ends up breaking the flow of the story.
Please drop the purple text, at that. We don’t need it to tell who is speaking if you write it with enough detail. I think my problem with this bit is that we have no set-up and reason for it. I think I would prefer to read chapter one and completely lose this “prologue”. Anyways, that’s just too many periods and an unnecessary placement of “ellipses”.
“I state as I attack him with my spell.” ...What. Okay, I assume it’s the Flux spell mentioned earlier but I have no idea what that spell does and flux just means something does not have a constant state, basically. The dialogue is mostly fine here, but the lack of detail is like drawing a circle and saying, “This is a moon.”
?...?...? Ellipses because my confusion lasted awhile here. First off, I think the first paragraph, if it can even be called that, should be split up to fix the flow. I can understand his friend screaming for him, but the lack of detail otherwise makes this far less intriguing. Who is Crow? Who is Crow as a person? Who is their friend? No, seriously, I have no idea who this third character is in any form. It’s like he was just added to add drama that doesn’t even exist.
I have no reason to be attached to these characters for this event. And, this last bit doesn’t add the drama it should because to me it holds absolutely no weight. We don’t know who his friends are.
“Darkness, nothing but darkness, and emptiness all around me.” I think… I’ve got nothing, I have nothing to say about this for the image it gives but I can say that the bit between commas could be removed and you could describe how he feels because of it.
Afterlife is one word, not two. Anyways, this mental dialogue would hold more weight if we knew anything about this character at all. I think I know more about the math involved in rocket science than I do this character.
...DISCORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M HOWLING AT THE MOON BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. DISCORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No seriously, this is like chucking a rock at someone and yelling catch AFTER it smacks them in the side of the head. I understand the why, but ffs. Anyways, isn’t this guy supposed to be a Displaced who supposedly was in Equestria? Shouldn’t he know who Discord is? Or even, for fuck’s sakes, who voices him or something? He should at least recognize the voice or something. Hell, this is a perfect opportunity to use the John De Lancy joke.
“I try to sense where the voice is coming from but to no avail.” This feels incomplete, and could probably be worded differently and read similarly but read better. Also, you forgot to space between these two paragraphs.
In the last bit, that should be a question mark, not an exclamation point. Especially if you say “I yell” which makes it obvious he is shouting.
That’s an example for your information which I hope you will file away.
Sweet Celestia, its Discord! How unexpected! This first bit is standalone dialogue which is, I suppose, fine in these circumstances though ti could be better and les convoluted. For instance, why does he need to explain this?
So now he’s confused. Alright, that seems right. Let’s be confused by the word somepony, and not the fact a disembodied god of chaos is speaking to you whilst in limbo. I suppose, considering the set-up, that might not be the weirdest thing ever. Also, holy FUCK, I think you actually used that semicolon properly.
...Discord is a dick, it seems. More dickish than necessary, but that’s just my opinion. Anyways, Discord ranting about that is kind of intimidating.
So, he feels pain, and the nothing. This is like eating ice and expecting the taste of rainbow sherbert; its blander than water.
...Wall of text. Break that up, please. Anyways, so he conveniently hears Discord say that, how odd. Anyways, so Discord is sitting on a throne musing about the person in front of him? That’s not very Discord-like.
“Proper introductions”? Alright, that makes sense. Discord and… There’s who Crow is, got it. So this character IS Crow, which I can honestly say wasn’t that well established. This whole thing reads like an anon fic, to be frank. I think “yadda yadda yadda” is the most in-character thing Discord has done so far.
Making him look at himself… Kind of less interesting, though I suppose it’s great for setting up the next bit of needless shenanigans as opposed to an interesting bit where you can establish a bit of the character’s personality.
He’s now a silver unicorn with a red and purple mane? Okay, setting the silver bit aside, I’m not sure this whole color scheme is all that appeasing to the eyes. Then again, it could be if done right. However, red and purple indicate Mary Sue, and OP, for this character. That, of course, is just inference and my opinion, so feel free to disregard that.
Again, kudos for turning him into a pony nonetheless. “Flowing” so, what kind of flowing? Celestia flowing, or just like normal hair? I honestly can’t grasp which, so to save face we’ll use the second one.
Three hyphens, nice. You could have just used a !? instead. However, we do have the second bit that’s in character for Discord here.
Okay, seven trees, a few bushes, and a hysterical god of chaos. That’s the surroundings… Except, wait. We have literally nothing yet, but we get it in the next paragraph after the in character actions of Discord reappear. Also, how the fuck does he know how to walk on all fours? And, using the word stock disrupts the flow, since it’s not the best word to use here. I believe “take in the odd surroundings into which I found myself thrusted into by this self-proclaimed god of chaos.” Or something to that effect would be better.
“Wondering” are they posing like the Thinker? I’m rabbiting, I’m rabbiting… Anyways, I think you mean wandering. I suggest, once again, an editor. Did Discord seriously snap his fingers? Wait, Discord has claws, paws, or hooves. No fingers. Let’s just say he snapped his claws instead, or something.
...The actual fuck. Discord just decides to take his memories? What kind of psychopath… Actually, this would make a bit of sense with Discord but it’s still really jarring. And, move ‘Oh dung’ somewhere else down the line, maybe AFTER he trips?
Why does he feel pain having his memories removed? Is Discord taking bits of his brain or something? Blandness FTW. Also, your dialogue and capitalization issues have returned.
DUN DUN DUN DUH! *trumpets blast* *loud cheering* WOOOO BABY HERE THEY COME! I mean, this is just screaming “I did this out of convenience” to me.
...I honestly have no words here because… like… I just don’t. This is jarring, confusing, and mind boggling all at once. Not to mention the tenses keep switching, it honestly does not help one bit.
So, Discord likes having slaves instead of just using them for chaos? Gotcha, that makes sense with his character…. NO IT DOESN’T! Why would a being who can later reality on a whim need a slave, or even THREE? Why is he even asking that, it’s rhetorical question.
Okay, maybe rethink Celestia’s declaration and maybe add detail because this is blander than plain pudding.
...I’m pretty sure Discord wouldn’t actively say this, and even in the show his confidence didn’t portray itself in such a manner. In fact, I’m willing to say Discord is the most OOC I’ve ever seen him, and he’s the lord of chaos.
…-_-. That’s it? Seriously? Like, no big fight scene or even a better fight scene? Absolutely nothing. The biggest moment in history for the entirety of the world and you choose to make it blander than dirt. And, how did it emit? I have next to no context and even prior knowledge is starting to fail.
Luna, I think you just set off something. I can’t think of what it is, at the moment…
Okay, so the princesses finally notice that he’s there which is good and I suppose makes a tad of sense, since they had to deal with Dickord, er, Discord.
...Celestia apparently must not know how to deal with children. Anyway, I actually facepalmed at this next bit because it makes the entirety of this chapter, not prologue because it clearly would fit better as an actual chapter, completely and utterly pointless. Seriously, you could have started this with him not remembering anything and it would make for a better and more intriguing story in general.
...Memories, not memory’s, by the way. And, he starts crying for no reason to be blunt. I really don’t think you would cry when you have no idea what you’ve lost. It’s like you’re trying to attach it to the rest of this chapter, but it’s completely and utterly pointless and illogical from a storytelling standpoint.
Okay, so he finally actually says he doesn’t remember. On a sidenote… what? Like, no seriously. Why is ONLY Celestia talking. Luna would be good to use so you can bounce their character off each other.
Introductions, good good. However, why in the name of Cthulhu would she ask about his name when he already said he doesn’t remember anything? I suppose, from some standpoints, it makes a bit of sense, but I think it’s weird and clearly setting up for the next paragraph and sentence. I also think it’s very odd that he thinks of the word checkmate with nothing hinting to why, in the story, other than the fact he’s allegedly a tactician. To be honest, I can say you most definitely need to be a tactician of some sort in order to write.
...Yup, there’s that convenient set-up for giving Crow the name Checkmate. In fact, after reading all of this I can say it's very detrimental to the start of this story especially since you rename the character off the bat and turn him into what constitutes as an OC.
Kudos for using the actual character, I think? I honestly can’t be sure if this character was already an OC or if he was a canon character to Fire Emblem. Nothing tells me otherwise, and the story just consistently says “This is Crow” only to fuck you over by renaming him Checkmate.
To be perfectly frank, this is NOT a prologue chapter and it honestly shouldn’t even be a chapter. There is very little of importance here that doesn’t spoiler the adventure beyond this point. You’re going to have to try very hard to compete with the other Tactician story. I left all of the errors because I'm lazy, and have already suggested an editor among other things.
On a new sidenote, this review is longer than the chapter itself.
These review will take place as long as people request them and mean no offense to the authors within. Also, I hope you all take to heart these suggestions and use them yourselves just as I hope the authors do. I hope, especially, that the author of the story in question also does not take offense and sees this as what I am trying to make it out to be. Constructive criticism.
Use these reviews as references for what you should and shouldn't do. Like in this fic, there are some good things with the bad. Key example that I've not seen all that many turned-into-a-pony Displaced fics. Alongside that, the premise at the end of this chapter could be interesting if done well.