Service Call Log #4251
“Good morning, thank you for calling Roebuck and Sears, Ponyville’s number one source for large magical appliances! My name is Pink Collar, but you can call me Pink. This call may be recorded for quality assurance. How can I help you today?”
“Hi Pink, my name is Twilight Sparkle. Uh, Princess Twilight Sparkle. I have a magical table that I think might be broken, and I saw in your ad that your company does repairs for magical appliances. Is there any way I could, uh, talk to a technician?”
“Sure thing, honey. I can transfer you to our service department. One moment please.”
[Soft music playing.]
“Service Department, this is Sleepy Leaf. How can I help you?”
“Hi Mister Leaf, I’m Twilight Sparkle. The mare who transferred my call said that you might be able to help with a magical table that’s been acting up.”
“I’m sure we can, ma’am. Did you purchase this table from our store?”
“Oh, uh, no. It came with the castle. You know the big crystal castle that grew out of the ground a few years ago? On the north side of town.”
“Okay, so a third-party vendor. Got it. Did it come with a service agreement or manufacturer’s warrantee?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think so. I didn’t see any paperwork like that when I moved in.”
“That’s fine. So, what seems to be the problem with your table?”
“Well, it’s also a map. Like, uh… okay, this is kind of hard to explain. So the table glows sometimes, and a giant holographic map appears on it showing all of Equestria, and once a week or so pictures of my friends’ cutie marks appear on the map telling us that there’s a friendship problem, and we have to go on a quest to solve it. Do you, uh… have you worked on tables like that before?”
“Oh, yeah, those tables were real popular about twenty years ago or so. We sold one model that showed the weather, and you could get one that showed traffic congestion, that sort of thing. You could even set them to show special sales, rare books, anything you wanted. Nowadays everything’s electric, of course.”
“Wait, rare books? Do you still have.... No, focus, Twilight. So, you think you can fix this one?”
“We can try. How’s it acting up?”
“Well, like I said, once a week it shows little pictures of my friends’ cutie marks, but the past few weeks it seems to be stuck. There are six of us, but it keeps sending the same friend over and over out on quests. I thought it might just be a coincidence, but some of the quests it’s sending her on are pretty trivial things that we could’ve just written a letter to solve.”
“Okay. Have you tried turning the table off and turning it back on?”
“Yes, that was the first thing I did. But it’s still sending the same mare out on dubious quests.”
“Okay.” [Sound of keystrokes.] “Are you at the table now?”
“I am.”
“Can you look under the rim of the table and tell me if you see a manufacturer’s sticker with the make and model?”
“One moment.” [Rustling sounds.] “Okay, I think I found… oh, wow, we really need to dust better under here. Okay, uh, there’s a sticker with a bunch of Chineighese characters, and… Hwang-song? Is that a brand?”
“Yeah, they’re a popular discount manufacturer. Mostly do knock-offs of Crystal Empire brands, but the quality’s decent for the price.” [More keystrokes.] “Alright, you should see a number that starts with an ‘S’.”
“I do. S-45-23412.”
[More keystrokes.] “Got it, thank you. Yeah, we can service that model. Would you like to set up an appointment?”
“Yes, please. Do you have any times available this week?”
“We can do tomorrow, actually. I have a window open from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.”
“Okay, can you come by around eight?”
“Oh, sorry, ma’am. I mean, we can come by anytime between eight and five, but we won’t know until thirty minutes before the appointment that we’re coming.”
“Wait, so I have to be here all day? I’m supposed to read to a bunch of elementary school foals tomorrow afternoon.”
“Yes ma’am. Sorry, ma’am. I can schedule something more precise, but it won’t be until next week.”
“Ugh. Okay, uh, how about next Tuesday?”
[Keystrokes.] “I have a window from 8 a.m. until noon next Tuesday.”
“Four hours? That’s still a long time. Are you sure you can’t, you know, maybe schedule something more precise? Because, you know, I’m a, uh… You know.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am?”
“Well, I’m a princess. I have a lot of things to do, so I was kind of hoping you could maybe help me out.”
“Sorry, ma’am, I can’t make exceptions to policy. Do you want to speak with my manager?”
“No, that’s…. Nevermind, that’s fine. Eight ‘til noon is fine. I’ll be here. Oh, or Spike will be here!”
“Is Spike an adult?”
“Uh.” [Brief pause.] “Sure, why not? Yeah, he’s an adult.”
“Okay, ma’am, I have an appointment for you from 8 a.m. until noon next Tuesday. What’s your address?”
“It’s the big crystal castle on the north side of town.”
“Do you have a street address?”
“What? It’s the only castle in town. You can see it from everywhere in Ponyville.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, our appointment software requires a street address.”
“Fine, hang on.” [Papers being shuffled.] “It’s, uh, 1600 White Ash Lane, Suite 3, Ponyville, Equestria.”
[Keystrokes.] “Okay, got it. We’ll give you a call at this number about thirty minutes before we show up. Will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Do you take royal vouchers?”
“As long as they have a princess’s signature, yes.”
“I’m sure I can rustle that up. Thank you, Mister Leaf.”
“Thank you, ma’am. We’ll see you next week. Have a great day!”
[Call ends.]
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Wut? ... This title was so strange I had to read this chapter even though I haven't read the rest of it.
*Looks at cover art*
So one ship is pulling that, must be a large ship but the scale to that of the iceberg is ridiculous.
I'll give it a read
Beautiful representation of customer service.
This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and I fucking love it.
Heh...makes me think of my days as a phone customer service rep. I can attest it went pretty much like that. On a good day, at least--this assumes it wasn't one of those calls where the customer just shouts at you...which, for the record, really doesn't help. It really doesn't.
Anyway! Glad to see an update for this story again. It has become one of my favorites, so I hope more updates will be ensuing here soon.
8252515
Well, Equestria is generally nicer than the real world (monsters, changelings, undead unicorn wizards, chaos gods etc. not counting), and Twilight would be the kind of a person who follows the rules scrupulously.
I enjoy the idea that the magical crystal Friendship Seed mystically produced a castle full of acceptable Chinese knockoff brands. Perhaps more than I should.
*twitch* *twitch*
This brings to mind unpleasant memories of getting a technician for the equipment I work with...
<Technician arrives at 4:37 the day following the following day>
"So Mr Crescent Wrench, do you think you can fix it?"
"I don't rightly know yer Highness. This here is a Hwang-song model table."
"So?"
"Well Hwang-song ain't exactly what you'd call an OEM. They merely license the magical guts and gubbins from one company, re-badge it, and sell it with their own 'look and feel' externals. The sparky bits of this here table was manufactured by FlimFlam Co."
"I...see."
"Beggin' yer pardon Highness, but about how long have you had this here table?"
"Over a year now, why?"
"Ah. I take it you've never had it updated since then?"
"No. It came with the castle tree. I never saw any instructions with it either."
"That explains it then. It appears that yer table's Remote Friendship Management trial has since expired. Iffin ya want more than one pony in tha dispatch queue and manage problems of "snit" level or higher, you'll hav'ta contact yer OEM to get all those enterprise level features back."
"..."
"As a side note, did ya change yer remote authentication password from tha default when you connected this here table to the Castle wifi?"
"What? Huh? Password? What password?"
"Looks like some ne'r do wells have accessed the remote administration console of this here table and are using it to send spam advertisements for horn extenders and wing-boner wax."
"..."
Ah, Customer Service.
I HATE it. It rarely goes so smoothly, as the customer is, nine times out of
nineten, not so intelligent as Twilight Sparkle....
Why do I work retail?
*sobs*
I'm a bit surprised nobody has mentioned that maybe it should be Roebuck and Seers.
As I think I commented before...I'm not sure what's more surreal, that Ponyville has a store with a large magical appliances department, or that the map is that close to a standard model.
8253093
I'm imagining how the conversation might have gone if the table were actually the prototype for every other magical table, i.e., no proper serial number, "PROPERTY OF TREE OF HARMONY, INC. - RESALE PROHIBITED" engraved around the edges of the table, incomplete or non-standard debugging menus, etc.
8254710
You have my most profound sympathy. I spent ten years in it myself.
"I was wondering if you could help me find a cookbook."
"Certainly. Do you know the title or author's name?"
"No, but I remember that it was blue."
True story.
Most excellent! I am glad you see you actually did this.
And in as fine a form as ever!
"It was from the same brand name 'Fate Destiny, Ltd.' that sold Zordons to teenagers who wanted to become superheroes in goofy outfits piloting giant robots."
8259020 Can you help me find a book? I remember it was made out of paper.
(And so, the diabolical Bastard Man went on to harass service workers with idiotic questions forever until he was at last stopped by the heroic actions of Overreaction Man... who blew up the entire planet, thus stopping Bastard Man's evil schemes for good!)
8253093
Crystal toilets are a pain to clean.