Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Spice Up Your Life

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

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Dear Twilight,

So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

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Dear Rarity,

Alright, let me see if I'm understanding this correctly; your entire career depends on you adding your own unique flair to your product. So why would you think it would be any different when it comes to the culinary world? Every restaurant we went to was horrible, and yet you thought that's what this restaurant needed? Just because sugarcubes come in cubes, doesn't mean everything has to, for Celestia's sake!

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

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Dear Zesty Gourmand,

You may be a fucking pony but you act like a fucking donkey!!!

Pissed off King of Cuisine,
Gordon Ramshay

P.S. I'd give you a negative three stars for not even eating the food at all and yet rate the place anyway??? Fucking asshole!!!

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Dear Zesty Gourmand,

Table for two?

-Svengallop

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Dear food critics everywhere,

So yeah, sorry. I know the last five minutes of this episode was pretty much a "fuck you" to your entire profession.

Apologies,
Pinkie Pie

Author's Note:

Comments

[meerkat8472]

Table 95! I love it! The ironic thing is that if she upgraded to the most modern thing, it'd be Table 10.

[MixMassBasher]

Dear Saffron Masala & Coriander Cumin

Hiring any staff?

The Little Chef,
Remy

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"We're back!!!" Rarity said as they entered the castle's corridor.

"And we brought some grub!!! TRY SOME!!!" Pinkie Pie shouted, stuffing the leftover food from The Tasty Treat into Twilight's mouth.

Almost immediately Twilight faced turned completely red and her mane burst into flames.

"Whoops... I may have put a little extra hot sauce into it." Pinkie said smirking as Twilight ran off to find the nearest source of water.

"Brohoof Rarity?"

"Brohoof Pinkie." Rarity replied back.

[MixMassBasher]

7432688 Then maybe an add on for deco like windows 10

[Jphyper]

Dear Twilight,
So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.
Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

But Table 95 and Table 98 are the best operating systems ever! Admittedly, their security is not that great, so I suppose she does have a point.

Just because sugarcubes come in cubes, doesn't mean everything has to, for Celestia's sake!

Obviously, someone has never played Minecraft.

[blazikenking]

Making everything into cubes?
ukiyaseed.weebly.com/uploads/5/8/8/7/58878313/7190483_orig.jpg
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/powerrangers/images/f/fd/DSZ-Zyuoh_King.png/revision/latest?cb=20160218074110

[Nebula Star]

7432793
What about Table XP?

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Dear Zesty Gourmand,
Table for two?
-Svengallop

Spoiled Rich: Save a chair for me.

[kooarbiter]

7432688

yeah but that would imply that table 10 was using backwards logic and was a down graded ver- uhh never mind

[Streakofscarlet]

Dear Twilight,

So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Is there a reference here I'm not getting?

Anyway, the map still bothers me. The episode really didn't need it. It could have just opened up with Rarity and Pinkie in Canterlot. Using the map just makes the journey and resolution more distant and less personal.

Dear Rarity,

Alright, let me see if I'm understanding this correctly; your entire career depends on you adding your own unique flair to your product. So why would you think it would be any different when it comes to the culinary world? Every restaurant we went to was horrible, and yet you thought that's what this restaurant needed? Just because sugarcubes come in cubes, doesn't mean everything has to, for Celestia's sake!

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

I could sort of understand Rarity wanting to follow trends just to get Zesty's approval, but I don't understand completely abandoning Saffron and Coriander's original reason for having a restaurant in the first place. There was no reason for that. Rarity could have just done what she did at the end of the episode (use her own influence to get ponies to come there).

Dear Zesty Gourmand,

Table for two?

-Svengallop

I ship Zesty with Spoiled Rich, and I ship Svengallop with Cinch.

Knowing this fandom, I'm probably not the first to think of that, but I could be wrong.

Dear food critics everywhere,

So yeah, sorry. I know the last five minutes of this episode was pretty much a "fuck you" to your entire profession.

Apologies,
Pinkie Pie

The moral itself is actually quite good, challenging arbitrary authority and pragmatism. But that ending scene didn't do it for me. It's trying to be "realistic" with the stylized restaurant and the ponified versions of people... but a food critic storming into a restaurant and demanding nopony like the food isn't realistic, making the dialogue feel unnatural. The moral is still good, however.

Just like I taught her!

I don't care much for Sassy Scapegoat as a character, but after this episode, I feel more sorry for her than ever. Actually, I've not-cared-but-still-felt-sorry for her ever since watching a livestream for S5E14. Rainbow Dash blows up Cloudsdale (I'm exaggerating) and doesn't get caught. Sassy Scapegoat sells dresses, and Rarity blows up at her.

vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/9/98/Rarity_snapping_at_Sassy_Saddles_S5E14.png/revision/latest?cb=20150915165629

For goodness sake, show some respect.

Sorry for venting, but I really didn't like this episode or S5E14.

[YoshiOfADown]

7433073

Windows 95

[Streakofscarlet]

7433129 Oh, okay. Thanks. I was really confused.

[Phazon]

Dear Twilight,

So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

You're the one who broke the thing, you psycho bitch! It took you and Twilight all this time just to fix the fucking thing.

Sincerely,
Spike, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity

[JDunk1971]

Does this mean the next to last CMC challenge was the Cutie Mark Crusader Oven Roaster?

I love all the bad puns, but especially the 'cumin-side' one.

[Jman14102]

Dear Twilight,

So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

That reminds me...
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/6/12/1176823__safe_twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_screencap_princess+twilight_animated.gif

[Jphyper]

7432921 Eh, it's okay too. It's a matter of personal preference between the two, I guess.

[Neko Majin C]

My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Believe me when I tell you that Saffron Masala is one tasty dish. It would behoof you to try some just once. As soon as you taste some, you will not know how you have lived up to now without Saffron Masala in your life. Saffron Masala is so delicious! Saffron Masala is the tastiest thing to cumcome out of Canterlot in a while. Call me "Mellow Yellow," because I am just mad about Saffron!

...Masala.

Signed your loyal slave who cannot believe no one else has yet made that pun,
Neko Majin C.

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~KBO.

[articunos bitch]

So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.

Worse, it's an Apple creation. It DID come from a tree.

[Lithl]

7432919
AVE NEX ALEA!
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/kweapons/images/e/ed/Our_Lord.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120127140947

7434619
I hear Fluttershy knows a cool cat that can get Lynx installed for her!

[Desert Tortoise 22]

7433073

I ship Zesty with Spoiled Rich...

LOL! Spoiled Gourmand FTW!

[Snowdrifter]

No, they should open source the table OS. I recommend Ubuntable...

[Daethalion]

You may be a fucking pony but you act like a fucking donkey!!!

Pissed off King of Cuisine,
Gordon Ramshay

And now I'm wishing for a fanfic that turned this episode into a parody of Kitchen Nightmares!

[Pony_Person_123]

I love the last picture

[Somber Star]

Dear food critics everywhere,

So yeah, sorry. I know the last five minutes of this episode was pretty much a "fuck you" to your entire profession.

Apologies,
Pinkie Pie

You have no reason to apologize, Pinkie. Criticism as a hobby is tolerable because it is natural. Criticism as a profession is utter bullshit and everyone knows it but is strangely afraid to admit it, probably because of the horrible damage they can cause to businesses in areas where people are prone to herd mentality. Like Equestria... you know, on second thought, that apology was probably a good idea.

It wasn't just the last five minutes. The entire episode was a "fuck you" to food critics in particular because seriously fuck them. I strongly believe that out of all of the brands of critics there are, food critics are the ones that are the most full of shit.

[StormLuna]

8771760

Movie critics aren't much better. I was wishing death upon those sub-par wannabe entertainers who said the 2017 MLP movie was awful. Movie critics in general are either failed directors or failed actors who couldn't make it big. Food critics? They're just idiots who can't cook worth shit.