Applejack's "Day" Off
Additional contributions by MixMassBasher
Dear Diary,
Today was one of the most annoying days of my fucking life, and after today's events, I really need to vent out. First off, I recall one of my old letters mentioned how Applejack needed to be not so stubborn as shit regarding her farm work and apparently she didn't learn anything at all from that. She still is overworking her ass off on that piece of laggy shit she calls a farmville. Secondly, Fax Machine ate all my fucking pies. Does that slave of mine learn anything at all? That's it. He's starving for the next two weeks. That'll show him who's the mistress of this castle.
Anyway, on route to my disaster of a day, I met the oh so drama queen, Rarity, and she just wouldn't shut up over how she can't get Applejack to take a break and go to the spa. Who cares!?! Just get Fluttershy, or, better yet, me. I certainly would like to try one of those personal massages from those spa ponies, particularly on my marehood.
And what happens instead? Those bitches leave me behind while I get stuck doing Applejack's chore of feeding pigs. Luckily, I had Fax Machine do my work for me, though, strangely, there wasn't any progress made at all by the time Rarity and Applejack came back. Either Applejack's hoofwriting on the instructions were as legible as crap, or Fax Machine was as blind as shit.
That's another thing; why the fuck is she farming pigs? Last I checked, ponies don't get anything out of them. Who knows, maybe she's helping Pinkie Pie with an underground bacon market?
And just when I thought the job was done, I get pulled into more chores. Or rather, telling her off on how completely ignorant she was for not even noticing the hundred and one ways she's been over complicating her workload on the farm. Applejack's common sense has "honestly" left the building, everypony. 'Cause that was how she's been doing chores all this time? By Celestia, even I'm not that much of a workaholic.
So, in the end, what I learned today was that earth ponies can spot others’ mistakes but not their own. Fucking hypocrites. Clearly, I need to check that genealogy record again, because after today, I simply refuse to believe she's a fourth generation farmer.
Well, at least I got my pies... only to have them all eaten up again the next day by Fax Machine. He even had the nerve to suggest that I possibly could try helping out with Applejack's chores again to get some more pies. What was even more infuriating was him suggesting that I could try wrangling the chickens since I'm so knowledgeable on how to handle cocks. That's it! Fax Machine is going to starve for three weeks now. In the words of my former, rarely-seen teacher, lets see how he likes my pie.
A hungry hungry hippo pony,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Starlight,
You just had to eat all the pies, didn't you?
Starving,
Spike
Dear Dragon Lord Ember,
I saw Rarity today after her usual spa session and now I really wish for you to be my new special someponydragon.
Please reply soon.
Scarred for life,
Spike
Dear Applejack,
I get that you said before that it's very important for me to have hobbies and all but, you, on the other hoof, need to learn what relaxing is. I know it's hard to understand, but relaxing is where you don't do any activities at all, be completely unproductive and just be plain lazy.
It's no wonder you're still considered a background pony considering you're completely married to your work.
Your little sister,
Apple Bloom
P.S. My advice is to talk to Rainbow Dash. She's an expert of being a lazy ass bitch.
Dear Aloe and Lotus,
How in Equestria could you not notice a leaking pipe in your very own spa?
Your client,
Rarity
Dear Rarity,
Vhy? Vell, ve just don't realize there vas this problem as ve have so many other problems to vorry about! Like Bulk Biceps busting though ze valls of our spa for instance. Concrete ain't cheap, you know? If Bulk vasn't such a fine asset to our spa, ve might have fired him on ze spot.
Signed,
Aloe and Lotus
P.S. Besides, ve vere alvays told in Soviet Equestvia, pipes fix you.
Dear Rainbow,
What's with all the embarrassment over going to the spa? Haven't we all been there before together?
Confused,
Applejack
Dear Applejack,
I guess you haven't tried their usual treatment yet, have you? You know, The Usual. Ask Rarity or Fluttershy, they'll know what I mean.
Embarrassed,
Rainbow Dash
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He can cook. You can't. Besides, at this point, I'm expecting him to just burn you, and leave you.
My head canon is that the farm animals have a sort of work/lease thing going on. They get room and board in exchange for fertilizer for crops, keeping the grass cut via grazing, eating scraps, etc.
7300231 That makes a frightening amount of sense.
Since the first time pigs appeared at SAA in Show Stoppers, I just thought the Apples would occasionally take them out hunting for truffles.
You couldn't resist, could you?
This made me laugh harder than it had any right to.
7300231 That's exactly what I think too, but you beat me to it.
Dear Spike,
I wouldn't have to if Twilight remembered I existed often enough to feed me.
Also starving,
Starlight
W-woah, I didn't get that reference at all!
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2378_medium.png
Missing comma.
Missing comma and "at". Also, this sentence got its period late, but at least it got it.
Missing but commas.
Improper spacing.
My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,
If you would like a spa day, if I may, it would be my honor to indulge you. If you enjoy being massaged by hooves, just wait until you experience my magic fingers. I could easily rub out any tension you have built up anywhere in your glorious, lithe body. I could also give you my very deep tissue massage that would guarantee you a relaxing and happy ending.
Signed your loyal slave and personal masseur,
Neko Majin C.
~KBO.
7300529
Depends on whether you subscribe to the AP style or the Chicago Manual of Style. And even then, given that the medium in question is fanfiction, I think this is one of those rules that no one will mind if you're a little loose with.
Still doesn't measure up to what Disney's Mulan did with her name when he posed as a man. Those poor bastards at Disney could never have predicted what internet culture would do to Fa Ping. Childhood successfully ruined!
Love that song
"...He's starving for the next two weeks. That'll show him who's the mistress of this castle...."
Um. Yeah. He's a dragon and lives in a house made of food.
Didn't you already try that? I quote from May the Best Pet Win!:
There's no way I'm ever going to stop loving this joke.
Can't say I blame Twilight for being so salty, Applejack's hypocrisy would drive me up the wall as well. And that behavior is coming from the pony who's supposed to have been working on that farm for years.
Dear diary,
Why does Twilight never let me leave the castle anymore? Is she still mad about what happened with Trixie?
Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer
7301008 alcoholic?
7301093 yeah, and sexaholic
7300231
1. Pig manure is actually good for fertilizer.
2. Pigs have a good sense of smell, and can be used for truffle hunting.
3. Besides fertilizer, the manure can also be used for things like ethanol, and can be used in gunpowder for fireworks.
4. Pigs are also good for as recyclers. Any left over food that is not used can be fed to them.
Pigs are exported to Griffonstone, pretty simple.
That last image in the authors notes....
You forgot to add image of my user name and the annotation: Useless Sidekick
7300237
The pigs get traded to the griffins. It's not like those lazy birds are going to hunt for their meat.
7301227
5: Pigs are really, really good at getting rid of venomous snakes.
6: Pigs are also really good at getting rid of unwanted bodies. 'Cause you know, dead bodies don't get rid of themselves.
orig15.deviantart.net/91bf/f/2014/069/a/8/applejack__modern_war_mare_by_pixelkitties-d79eo3u.png
*illegible
What I liked most about this chapter is that Twilight's diary entry really took things back to when this story series first started. It reminded me a lot of the letters to Celestia for the first two episodes.
ETA: Also, are we just going to ignore the fact that Aloe and Lotus wrote out their accents? Yes? Okay then.
Rule 34 Strikes Again! LOL!
This one was quite funny.
That'll show him who's the mistress of this castle.
Does she WANT to be mistress of a pile of ashes when Spike has the Lord of all dragons on speed dial?
He can hunt his own food.
Or he's getting as lazy as his mistress.
Very, very true.
Rarity is a cosmetic bitch.
They're always on the lookout for a purple alicorn to jump them from the shadows.
Twilight: I would've liked to go to the spa with them, but I've been banned from the presmises for sneaking into the massage rooms and offering the clients a happy ending.
7314763 Hehe, you instigate better than I do lol
"Last I checked, ponies don't get anything out of them."
derpicdn.net/img/download/2013/5/4/316213__safe_gilda_food_table_meat_gustave+le+grande_artist-colon-mlpanon_cloche.png
Maybe ponies don't, but griffons do!
7301601
I don't suppose Applejack has 16 pigs on her farm.
8014883
Look at the size of that pig! Ponies are small; I don't think she'd need sixteen. Only a couple would probably do a fine job.
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Oh my god... Darth Rarity is fucking killing me...
I can't breathe...
Help...
8019337
Welp, I guess it's time to head over to the Apple family farm and murder some pigs for bacon.
7301601
Plus the hogs(adults are called hogs,pigs are the babies) can be butchered and their byproducts can be used for various things, such as using their hides to make leather for saddlebags, clothing and vellum, their fat can be cooked down into lard for baking, glycerin can be rendered from their fat and used in all sorts of things from fillers for medication to half of what is needed to make nitroglycerin, natural oils can be combined with indigo extract and iron gall to make ink. Plus there were a few times in the show where ponies were seen eating ham sandwiches, and I'm pretty sure that wasn't made from soy curd. That would mean the the ponies of Equestria are omnivorous predators, if they're not, then salted, pickled or brined meats could be sold or traded to the griffons.
11141596
I personally don’t feel like they’d keep pigs for the purpose of slaughtering for pig products, but there’s every chance they’d be willing to sell pork to griffons after the pig died, same could be true with cows and sheep as well.
But I’m not totally opposed of the ideas of ponies keeping animals for food; I do assume that pegasi and some other ponies will eat fish as part of their diet.