An Enchanted Midnight.

Midnight Sparkle is the sole monarch of Marethage and has made many friends.this is the story of how Midnight and that friendship came to be.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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Fractured Note

Fractured Note #1 · Dec 20th, 2015 · · ·

First step looks decent. Now make sure not to turn this into a shameless insert or a terrible Alicorn story. Nothing wrong so far, but I've read a lot of stories that crash and burn because of plot Alicorns and such. It looks good, just make sure the Alicorn doesn't get insanely OP and this could turn into a good story over all. First story though isn't that bad.

FOXTrot2

FOXTrot2 #2 · Dec 20th, 2015 · · ·

So if I plan to make midnight a monarch...and give her supreme rule over marethage?

JumpingShinyFrogs

JumpingShinyFrogs #3 · Dec 20th, 2015 · · 1 ·

This story does so many things wrong. It introduces OCs and places in the most confusing way possible, there's an amnesia cliche, and your OC is somehow royalty and amnesiac at he same time. Your grammar is horrendous, there's no sense of pacing and for the love of all things holy, why is your OC an alicorn? No one likes an alicorn OC.

6750048 That will not help in the slightest. That in fact makes it worse. As another point of note, when replying to a comment, actually use the reply button, or else they won't see your comment. It's the little button in the top right corner of the comment with two arrows on it (>>)

FOXTrot2

FOXTrot2 #4 · Dec 20th, 2015 · · ·

6750247
thank you that makes me fell so much better.

JumpingShinyFrogs

JumpingShinyFrogs #5 · Dec 20th, 2015 · · ·

6750418 Your story is not good. I am not obligated to be nice to you. Instead of whining about how I'm not all 'hugs and kisses', why don't you listen to what I said and use it to improve your story?

FOXTrot2

FOXTrot2 #6 · Dec 20th, 2015 · · ·

6750446
I intend on making this a 100.000 word long story.
So give me time to explain "why the alicorn?" and u may just change your opinion.

JumpingShinyFrogs

JumpingShinyFrogs #7 · Dec 20th, 2015 · 1 · 2 ·

6750863 There's almost never a good enough reason for a character to be an alicorn right off the bat. It would be far better if the story started out with her as a unicorn or something, and then over the course of the story she earned her right to be an alicorn. It isn't something that's freely given. It would be much more beneficial for her as a character too if over the course of these 100,000 words we were given a chance to grow to like her and know her as a character, like Twilight. Instead, you've just said "Well, my OC is so awesome that she's just started out as an instant alicorn." In doing that, you've more or less implied that you think your character is above other characters in terms of virtue, status, and power. In essence, you've created a fledgling Mary Sue.

FOXTrot2