Trixie, in an attempt to show up her self-proclamed rival, accidentally sends herself to an alternate reality of insanity and eternal night.
[Written before Trixie's second appearance in the show.]
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 28th May, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 30th, 2015
SigmatheAwesome
Sigma is an Australian artist who also writes things.
SigmatheAwesome
Joined 28th May, 2012 ·
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You really should fix your rude description. Makes people not wanna read. Just stick to what the story's about.
This was a solid adventure story. I liked your alternate universe, with the Lost and the Bloodwings and ghost ponies in a certain someone's head. Was there any particular inspiration behind the curses affecting Ponyville, Cloudsdale, and Canterlot? Because I thought they were pretty good ideas. (Ah, Cannibal Fluttershy, how cute you are...) I really enjoyed your characterization of Trixie. My only complaint is that the shipping seemed to kind of just happen. I mean, it didn't feel completely tacked on, because there were hints even in the first chapter, but it just seemed to come really fast at the end. Some of your settings could use more description. Your strength seems to be in your dialogue and character interactions, with bonus points for cool fantasy ideas. All in all, a fun adventure story with some cool ideas in play and a bit of cutesy romance. And it's a nice length for an adventure story, too: long enough to feel epic, but short enough that you can read it at a sitting without spending more time than an episode of the show. Nice.
I second Shield's advice. The description was a bit of a derailer, but the story itself went well. I was pleasantly surprised.
The climax felt a little rushed, to be honest, and I did sort of lose track of who was doing what. And the trip through the Forest was a little too similar to the canon version to really feel all that alternate. Don't forget that all of the encounters the ponies had there were deliberately set by Nightmare Moon.
Personally, I wouldn't mind a little exploration of what happened after the end, too. What Trixie wished for, why she had to do what she did to earn it (won't spoil), and how things happened at that point. And I'll agree, the kissing was a little fast there.
Still, there's some bits that are interesting to explore. Especially the alternate Twilight. And Trixie's full name nicely resolves a canon issue in another fic
It's pretty good. Could be more descriptive, though. Not just the environment, but the whole trek through Everfree was over in like a few paragraphs. I get that it wouldn't be too necessary to describe it all since it went down pretty much as it did on the show, but who's to say nothing different happened this time around? And epilogues usually don't need to be that long, but I still felt like it was over a little too soon, and the shipping could possibly be set up better during the time before Trixie skipped dimensions, so that it doesn't come on too suddenly in the end.
That's just my two cents. I really enjoyed it otherwise, though; it's a nice little adventure fic, and it's a cool alternate universe.
719037 A reasonable suggestion.
719485 Anything that hasn't been explained should be explained in the second series (unless it can't). And I did also feel that the shipping happened too fast, but I had trouble finding good spots to actually explore that.
And I do pride myself on dialogue. I'm not that descriptive, if anything because I draw more that I write, so my vocab is a bit weaker than my brother's (who's more of a writer).
Oh yeah, before I forget, I don't think I had inspirational material for the Lost and Bloodwings, and Twi's condition is a decently used idea.
719647 With a second person saying that, I shall change it ASAP.
719745 It was a little rushed, actually. One, I wrote most from between 8pm and 1am. Two, I hadn't a plan save for loose ideas in my head. It's implied that the traps were set up by Nightmare, but I guess I should've elaborated.
But I thought it'd make a nice ending, but I think I should've at least had some exploration.
The reason I didn't have Trixie saying what she wished for out loud is because she was wishing to return to her universe. It would've removed some of the kick the story should have. And yes, the kissing was too fast...
719773 As stated earlier, my descripive abilities are a tad weak, seeing as though I spend more time drawing that writing, but I'm working on it. Basically, I rushed the thing.
To all: Thanks for all the compliments
I'll take all the advice into consideration in my next fic.
Also, 5/6 people actually like this
Yeah, this story was awesome. Now i really don't konw which shipping i like better Twixie, Twilightpie, or Lunasparkle. But your story was still amazing favouriting
And here we go.
Oh wow. Such a simple switch.
And AHA!! THE MOON HAS BEEN DOUBLED!!
A 7:1 ratio of likes to dislikes is pretty good. I do feel sorry for you that there was one dislike, but not everyone can be a fan. And after all, this is a fiction website.
Aside from that, you should probably work on the descriptions of the scenes. Because nearly every reader knows what these locations look like, try to provide a description of the differences between the reality and alt-reality.
Have an emote:
YAY EMOTE
And... That's a good idea.
Yes, there was basically no reason for the Chronoharness. And what the heck is "visual time travel" The ability to see other times? The ability to be seen by people in other times? You'd think Trixie would ask about that.
I'd recommend spending more time describing things as well. Things like: What the pegasi monsters look like when they show up, specifically how they're different from normal pegasi.
2546362 I thought I did describe the Bloodwings... It's been too long since I've done anything with this story
I might do a rewrite later, once I'm done with some of my more recent and better stuff.
For the record, visual time travel is viewing the past from your exact standpoint. For example, if Trixie used the Chronoharness near the statue of Celestia in Ponyville and set it for a long while back, she could see NMM defeating Celestia, but not interact with the event at all.
Keep in mind that this is one of my earlier stories
2549085
Ah, just forgot to explain it in fic, then. Here's the introduction of the bloodwings:
All that really tells me is that they have the same colors as Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Derpy but not what about them makes their appearance terrifying or at all different than normal pegasi. Eventually, we learn they have sharp teeth but it takes a while.
2549222 That's weird, I swear I described their eyes at least...
Well, until I actually do the rewrite and comic, their basic description is: like the pegasi it was, except their fur and manes are all messy, their teeth have gone pointed, their wings seem a little sharper and their eyes are gradients from their original eye colour to black (like changelings have white to blue).
I've got a pic, in case my description isn't adequate enough: https://www.dropbox.com/s/x58vpv0gp5d1rh2/Bloodwing002.png?m
2550168
Interesting. Have you considered using that for a cover image? Having a good one does help draw in readers.
2550168
Also, no you not only don't describe their eyes in that scene, you never do other than listing the colors so we can see they match certain cast members, so I had no idea you were picturing something like that.
2550219 That's not a bad idea, actually. Better than nothing anyways
Great story!
I'm honestly surprised a great story like this doesn't have more views.
I could read a story about that Alternative universe by itself. Blood wings, Lost, Multiple Ponies in Twilights head. Just so cool.
i know you said the Chronoharness was ultimately useless in the end but if you will i have a theory well sort of. I'll tell you how i think its used or how you maybe unintentionally/subconsciously used it in the story.
Well first i think it was a brilliant idea to introduce the Chronoharness since were technically dealing with warping reality and time. Secondly one of the ways i think the Chronoharness does for Trixie is that it allows her to be and walk among this reality without succumbing to this realities forces.
What do i mean by this well basically if Trixie were not giving the Chronoharness and were not wearing it then she world succumb to this realities forces like say you established that Trixie grew up in Canterlot in her Reality right well in this reality you established that Canterlot's populist died & had became spirits and a 10th of them went inside Twilights mind right so without the Chronharness Trixie would essentially succumb and turn into a spirit or die and go into Twi's mind essentially ending up like this realities Trixie. So basically the Chronoharness ends up protecting her from succumbing to this reality
Another way i think the chronoharness does for Trixie is that it has always been a way to bring back this realities Elements and i think at the end where she sees Celestia and Luna this is due to her wearing the Chronoharness since it allows the pony to not only time travel but visually see it. Hence why she is able to not only be in a state where time essentially has seemed to be slowed and Trixie is not able to feel pain but is also able to see and talk to Luna and Celestia while at the end revealing Luna and it allows Trixie to warp realities to call forth the spirits of her realities Elements that were lost in this reality so that they can be used to help destroy Nightmare moon and save this reality.
Plus it might of been the means to how Luna granted the wish and essentially took Trixie back to the same date and time in her reality right after she basically teleported to the Nightmare moon reality in order to be saved by Trixie's Twilight or to see her one last time.
I don't actually know what you might have planned to use the Chronoharness for but this is what i think/interpreted it was used for essentially and or what i read in the under context for it idk heh but it was a great story never the less and i loved the possibilities in the other reality like the Bloodwings!