- Member Since 30th Mar, 2015
- offline last seen March 12th
MyLittleGeneration
Don't let people stop you from using creativity. Some may be bad, some may be dreadful, but that's the thing with creativity. You create ways to make it even better. That's the creative truth.
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MyLittleGeneration · 5.3k words · 165 10 · 8.6k views
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Good for you, it got published!
Gotta say, for your first foray into clop fiction, this was not a bad showing. It was a perfectly reasonable premise, and the action was satisfactory. The main concern I found was in the story part of the story. There were a few instances where you wrote more than was necessary. As in, certain sentences that contained unnecessary words or phrases. It wasn't egregious enough to take me out of it, but it was noticeable. I also found a few dialogue choices questionable. At first, I brushed it off since the characters are teenagers. But there were some points where the dialogue seemed a little juvenile even for that age.
One more thing. I assume that "four days" mentioned has him hooking up with each of the Sirens individually and then all together. It would have been interesting if you had Sonata bring up the fact that she and her sisters are centuries old, and the general fancanon is that they have had many romantic and sexual relationships in the past as a way of gathering emotions. So, while our protagonist might be a naive virgin, Sonata (and by extension Aria and Adagio) are not.
Overall, you earned my upvote, and I'll try to be on the look out for the following stories in this series.
6892318 Many thanks! I'll keep in mind. And the reason I used some unneeded words was cause I keep seeing some words in other clops. :P But anyways, I respect your review.
6892235 *squee*
Hmm I personally don't see anything wrong better than most people's first and it was a nice read hope to read more in the future.
6892392 Thank you.
Well... As I said before, I'm not a big fan of clops. But this was nice.
Have a Rarity.
derpicdn.net/img/2015/9/20/984157/large.png
For a moment, I figure they would actual do it with the condom. Did not see Aria coming, but I think Adagio would have responded to it that way then Aria. Hard to say from what I know.
Good job on your part.
For a first time writing a clopfic, well done. This was a great read
i1119.photobucket.com/albums/k631/abdikarimtimer/1356078246553.gif
D'awwww. This is adorable. Sonata is simply darling. Great work for your 'first time'. ;)
Anon is to sappy
Sup. First of all you will get as "good" as Abyss or me, you just have to get better at writing.
First is this: (like one of those French girls ;)). Get that out of there ASAP. That is what really broke my emotion and concentration on the story. There is absolutely no need for it. Next time write it in properly.
"She was already laid out on her bed, one leg slightly raised. You knew that if you were on a cruise ship she would ask you to paint her like one of those french girls."
The rest was pretty much your average romantic high-school fluff. Anon was a bit too sappy but all in all it wasn't too crazy. Sex seemed rushed to but you were in this for the clop so you can improve on how believable it is with more experience.
Eh. Passable for a first time clop, but otherwise meh.
Get rid of using "Anon", though. That's just lazy.
~Skeeter The Lurker
.... 2nd person, how you've changed.
6895900 Oops.
I'll change that. Thanks for pointing that out.
6893949
I got that impression as well. Perhaps I should have zipped straight to the sex, but I wanted to see the romance first and it was a little jarring for me to see someone's first interaction with the girl he likes involving casual swearing and openly crying. It took me out of it.
I do like the premise though, and it seemed like a cute way for two lovers to meet, being called out by a bully like that only to have some affection for one another.
Also the idea of Sonata being lonely because she was outcast for being one of The Dazzlings resonates with me. I would be interested to see the process those three go through with being rehabilitated like the other villains.
It's not bad, you have some potential but the dialogue felt clunky and disjointed at times, especially Sonata (which given her 'profession', implied and otherwise, would be surprising). That was my main observation. Your writing, while decent for a beginner, does need some polishing but that will come with time and practice. Anyway, like I said, not bad for your first try.
Did they even use the condom?
6908801 They never got to actual sex. Farthest they got was the blowjob.
I like how you made a pony called Fat Bastard. That really cracked me up.
I really love that story. Mostly it's Sonata
6895761
Anon is lyfe, sk3eter fite meh br0!
Stopped when I got to the characters name. Sorry, it looks like you but effort into everything but the characters name and Anon just bugs the he'll out of me.
As soon as I read Blue convertible I thought Is Sonata a living Barbie doll.
8261166
Please God dude, don't go there
Don't utter the damnation that is that
8560862
Could be worse she could be a brat.
8562136
https://m.8232041
use your imagination and replace it with your own name. Its not hard
Its good but. I mean...... They didnt have sex. All that build up and it was a blow job, a tit wank and Sonata fingering her self.
What was the point of the condom at all?
I enjoyed it over all but next time make them actually have sex.
8819621
Sorry, but there is a reason the Anon tag exists so that people like me can skip if they're not into the laziness of Anon. A story cam be written well without it, just look at A Private Dance from Holy.
This helps
:derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/1/13/805435__suggestive_artist-colon-bluse_sonata+dusk_equestria+girls_rainbow+rocks_alternate+hairstyle_bedroom+eyes_belly+button_blushing_cleavage_female_.jpeg