• Member Since 28th Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

golden dawn


T

Hi my name is Rose But now you can call me Kirby.

I'm 19 year old and was having the time of my life but all that was over wan I bouth my warp star and pet robot dog from Discord. But it look like he made me into a 5 year old.

Now I have to go thru another chidhood and with my adopted new famly with a sister like Pinkie Pie! :heart:

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 45 )

I was have the best day ever! I came to one of the best game/cartoon/anime convatas I was dressed as female human Kirby I even cut my hair short and dye it Pink.

There are so many things wrong with this. And this is supposed to be the first paragraph.

“Poyo! Ya I like to buy the warp star and the Robo Dog please.” I said as I pulled out my wallet and a few hundreds out.

“Well ok but it just cost 100 for all.” Discord said as he put the warp start and robo dog in a bag.

“Ok if that is all than add that cook book I love to cook and that will help me at home.” I said as I wiped some drool that was falling from my mouth.

And this is the dialogue taking place after the second paragraph, which is worse than the first.

Now, I took the time to read some of the first chapter, despite the short and long descriptions giving me plenty of fair warning. Those warnings were all complete understatements about how bad this story is. No editor, or group of editors, can possibly fix this.

Okay...I'm commenting on this not to be mean, but because I care. This story needs work, and I'm going to tell you why and I hope you will take this as the constructive criticism it is.

First off is the big glaring issue I ran into with this chapter: The large quantity of pictures inserted into the story.

It's okay to put pictures in the author's notes, but not inside the story itself. This takes away from the narration and dialogue of the story, and slaps the reader in the face and reminding them that they're reading a story. This does not allow the reader to immerse themselves into the story and fully enjoy reading it. It also puts me off because instead of describing how your character looks, I have to look at some picture you took off the internet. Describe the character with your own words, it will go a lone way.

Trust me!

Second issue I have is more of an opinion then a total story breaker: Humanized Kirby, really? Was Kirby's original appearance not good enough for you? This may come off as mean, and I'm deeply sorry if it does, but making a crossover with a character and not using the character's actual appearance takes away the fact that this is Kirby and not just a girl with pink hair.


Third issue I have is the fast pace take on Kirby's introduction. It went from a short description (Really short description) of the character that we no absolutely know nothing about to her popping up in Equestria. The interactions with Pinkie's family were also to fast paced, and needs more dialogue that would build up a believable relationship.

My final issue is the Time Jump that you threw at us. Look, I understand you want to get straight to the point of the current timeline for the Mane Six, but you completely threw away all of the character building you could have made and instead left us with the same person that just got Displaced.

As I said before, I'm not doing this to be mean. I critic the fic because I want the fic to succeed. I hope you find my comments somewhat helpful and I would be more than happy to answer any questions you may have if you're confused.

Wow.... look you might need to use less pictures and the timeskip sems forced

6726525 I beg to differ... all I'm sayin'
I'm going to agree with Northern Desert33 and Santa Shaxx here: there are to many pictures, it's feels rushed, and the grammars horrible. However, after taking the time mentally fix it to understand, it's actually really good, if very rushed. I will say add more to the rock farm portion, but you can keep the time jump as long as you dedicate at least a fourth of a chapter to return to 15 year gap to show important events that are relevant to the plot thus far. And please keep the pictures to a minimum.

Fun idea, poor execution. Why is everything so... anime with you bro?
6726533 could you do a critique on my story? Its the only one I have up at the moment and I could use some pointers.

I'm sorry but... no. Just no.

You need to fix some mistakes in your description too. Like, it's "through" not "thru". Also, other mistakes I really don't have the urge to point out other than:

Hi my name is Rose But now you can call me Kirby I'm 19 year old and was having the time of my life but all that was over wan I bouth my warp star and pet robot dog from Discord.

This is a huge run-on sentence. You should split it up.

Good lord, what did the English language ever do to you?! :raritydespair:

Comment posted by Shamrock95 deleted Dec 13th, 2015

Ah, I see we have a comment deleter on our hands. Be very afraid, guys.

Just from reading the description alone, I'm not going to read it.

I like the idea want to see what happen next :pinkiehappy:

Great story so far, and when I saw that pic of Spike and Twilight I nearly fell over laughing

This fic is so amazing I vomited in my mouth.....hold on

You know, at first, I thought the bad grammar was deliberate, because it suited the child like demeanor of kirby, I honestly thought it was cute at first, although when it carried into the pinkie pie and and time-skip sections, It occurred to me that you might need an editor, because the idea is fun and cute, but it just needs... more.

This is an interesting story to read with Kirby in it. I wonder what other chapters that'll occur cause those pictures are cute and adorable. For now I give chapter 1 two thumbs up and wait for another chapters to read. Keep up the good work!

You know what Golden Dawn? I love this concept, but this scrambled mumbo jumbo used to portray the story? Bleh. I'm right now, copying this text into a GDoc and tidying it up. I'll send you the corrected version afterwards, that is, if you want to have it.

There we go. Done. It was quite something. It's still not perfect, since I'm not the best at this and not a native English speaker myself, but I did my best.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QxAhx4bzz5zB6AZWdWbycb4IutJ4iHQ-TZdswJTpU1k/edit?usp=sharing

If golden dawn won't fix his chapter, you all people will at least be able to enjoy a somewhat better version for you.

Yep, several things missing, including some lines I believe, no reference picture for Fluttershy, and as always, the language has been butchered. However, this time, the story makes even less sense. There was no reason for Pinkie to 'teleport' Kirby, putting Spike to bed would not have taken long enough to only being able to catch up to the rest of the party as they have just passed Steven, and it's impossible for Spike to catch up that quickly, especially since he just fell asleep, and isn't faster than a Jet, something Kirby is, unless she was taking it slow for some stupid reason. The shipping also seemed a bit forced...

I liked this and it game me a few laughs, so great job mate.

Can you do more please

6950942 working on it. need time have three other story that I'm working on.

I like this story but... YOU NEED AN EDITOR!

Love your story! :heart: And I like the artwork/pictures! :pinkiehappy: Hope to see the next chapter soon! :twilightsmile:

I have two things to say...
1. Grammar and spelling.
2. Meta knight better be a thing or I will hunt you down...

Dis is AMAZING MAKE MOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage:

plz?:twilightblush:

7026757
O.M.G. Ad Meta Night Yes plz?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?:derpytongue2:

*Looks at cover art*...*dead* announcer: "Instant kill!!!"

Make the next chapter or I will be forced to use all the frying pans in igsistance against you!:flutterrage:
[Summons all the frying pans in the past, present, and future.]

Awesome chapter! :pinkiehappy: But you have many grammar mistakes you'll want to fix and look at.

You know, this becomes a lot easier to read if you pretend everyone in this story has a speech impediment.

Yay I love this story can you make more please and thre are lost of error in the words

I love this but you reeeeeeeeaaaaally need someone to correct your grammar.

6857211
sir or madam. You have done a great contribution to the 'Lets fix stories that have potential group'(not a real group). Sadly, it stills has problems but those are just holes the author made that you probably didnt notice. Now i wish i had done what you did here with the one story i read before. So much wasted potential.

*ahem*
Hello dear author, name´s Schroedingers Katze and today I am here in my function as official Displaced story reviewer.
So, I took the time to (force myself to) read through all three chapters of that story of yours and after a few cans of beer, I felt sufficiently numbed to give you this report.

My first impression during the first chapter was that I was reading a picture book. I mean, as a author myself, I can understand the urge to show of pictures of characters and creatures or even just landscapes to your readers because you think it would be cool and awesome and help the story along and whatnot. Which it is not. It breaks immersion like a Falcon Punch breaks your jaw. This is a fanfiction, so use your horsewords. No one will say a thing if you describe from a picture, hell, that is the easiest way to go at first until you don´t need that anymore but slamming picture after picture into our faces, that grows old after the second or third.

Another thing is the grammar and the sentence building. It gives the extremly strong impression that EVERY character is suffering from some kind of speech impediment, some neurological issue or something even worse. I admit, it was kind of cute to imagine that Kirby of yours talking like that for exactly the very first senctence but after that, it became plain annoying. Please for the love of every deity in existence, if you plan to continue this "story" get yourself at least two pre-readers or people to help you with your grammar!

I do realize that my words are harsh but stories like these are the reason us Displaced authors and our whole niche of fanfictions is suffering from such an abysmal reputation. I know very well how pleasing it is for your ego to get comments like "Your story is cool", "Give us moar" or "Great job" but in the face how poorly this fanfiction is executed, these are but waxed words that do more harm than good because they make you content and make you think you have no need to improve yourself, which is obviously not the case. So please, dear author, get your shit together and make this story into something we Displaced authors can be proud of.

Thank you for your time. Schroedingers Katze out.

when's the next chapter coming out :derpyderp1::derpyderp2:

Wher the next chapter

when you gonna update :rainbowhuh:

Update your stories.

This is not very well writen, but still is fun to read. Please make more

IM GONNA NEED AH MONSTA TO CLOBBAH DAT DERE KIRBY

8817689
That's what we do best at NME

“Wall me and Kirby work for ponyville's monster hunters I help and try to stop the fighting first, but wan that don’t work Kirby takes over and dils with them. I once saw her swallow an entire Flame Salamander hole and gain her fire Kirby form.” Fluttershy said as the group look at her in disbelief. It was understandable as Flame salamander were three times the size of ponies and had tampered to make their Flame.

Kirby could swallow anything any size , exept explosive creepers , EVEN WHOLE UNIVERSE

Pretty good , Well Discord is a interesting fellow , could she .... get Desord'd power if eat something from Discord in future . ?

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