Canterlot Crashers

by Orkus

Mooks to the Slaughter

After a days' worth of traveling, our five, brave heroes stopped for the night. An hour into rubbing two sticks together fruitlessly, Blue finally decided to let Orange use his powers to start a fire, as Derpy, Red, and Green rolled logs over to use as chairs.

"How much distance is left between us and our destination?" Green sighed in a weary voice to Derpy, pulling a book out to read as he took a seat.

"We're just a few dozen miles past Cloudsdale," she said in a cheerful voice. "By the end of tomorrow we'll be at the Crystal Empire!"

"HUZZAH!" Red boomed. "I CANNOT WAIT TO FIGHT OUR ADVERSARY! I'll make us some marshmallows to celebrate."

"I'll have some," the mare spoke again as Red began to sift through his knapsack for a bag.

"Say... Derpy..." Orange inquired as the cross-eyed pegasus sat beside him on the log he was upon, admiring the fire's warmth. "Do you know anything about this Black Knight guy we're going to fight?"

"Well... there's an old story I once read about a knight named Caerbannog the Black," she started, picking up a long stick on the ground in her hooves. "They say he was captain of Luna's guard before she became Nightmare Moon, and stayed with her after she turned evil. When Nightmare Moon was imprisoned in the moon, Caerbannog was turned to stone as punishment. He must've escaped his fate if he's here now."

"Anything else?" Blue also asked. Derpy put a hoof to her chin as she entered deep thought.

"I think I remember something else," she said. "When my mom told me stories of Caerbannog, she said he was always accompanied by a large, combat-centric automaton called "the Shrike." If anything, that thing's probably not around anymore."

Red tossed (id est, chucked as hard as he could throw) everyone a marshmallow and began to cook his own in the flame with a green twig. Pulling it out after a few seconds, he blew the fire out on it and ate it; the sticky foodstuff getting caught in his teeth fairly quickly. "Ah can't wait fo' tomorro'" he tried to speak with a goofy grin.

"Neither can I, my friend," Green said, placing a hand on his nutty comrade's shoulder as he closed his book with a clap. "But first we must get to bed. Faster to bed, faster to battle!"

A sudden, loud howl went out through the air before anyone could go for their sleeping bags, made by the obvious kind of creature.

"Isn't that a hoot!" Red shouted, when the noise died down. "I hear the sound of wolves!"

Another call went out, followed by another, giving Derpy an uneasy feeling. "It sounds like it's getting closer," she shivered. Red gave her a sardonic look.

"Puh-lease..." he said. "The odds of a wolf attack are, like, zero. Nothing. Null."

The sound of something growling and bounding up behind Red caught everyone's ears in but a single split second. Without hesitation, he wrapped his fingers over his mace and picked it up.

"GAH! WOLF ATTACK!" Red shrieked, swinging his weapon behind him at a rapid speed. A loud crunch, followed by a pained scream went out, and the shape of a large canine fled away as a small, squat figure fell from it.

Getting a shaky, but closer look at it, they saw it was a goblinoid creature. It had green skin was covered in furs, bore a large, horned helmet on its long-nosed, big-eared head, and its chest armor, as well as the bones beneath it looked crushed from the blow.

"Hoo-boy..." Blue said with a deep breath. "You think it's a goblin?"

"Yep," Green confirmed, after poking its closed eye with a stick. "And If there's anything I know about goblins, it's that there's usually more than one." The moment he said that a loud, amassed battlecry went out in the night. Through the moonlight, they saw an enormous contingent of snarling wolves charging in their direction as they noticed more goblins riding on top of them; cruel and crude weapons swinging over their heads in preparation to use them.

"We've got company..." Derpy whispered to Orange as he lifted his axe. Blue and Green took out their swords and readied their shields.

"They're all riding wolves!" Blue couldn't help but point out. "That is hardcore!"

"Krump dem!" the goblins all shouted in unison as they attacked. "Krump dem all!"

The moment the two forces collided with one another, it was as if an explosion went out, and many of the goblins were thrown from their mounts. Giving it no heed, the moment they all stood up they grabbed for their weapons and charged back into the chaotic fray.

Red gleefully began to duel with a large greenskin, deflecting sword blow after sword blow until he smacked the head of his weapon into his enemy's stomach and then tripped him, sending him to the ground. Bringing his mace up and then letting it drop with great force, the goblin found his skull being turned to pulp and mushed grey matter with a loud, very-audible crunch. Quickly refocusing on his next victim, Red jumped with a holler onto a passing wolf, where he began to clobber the terrified rider to death before he could react.

Separated from his friends and Derpy, but still hearing them let out grunts, shouts, and taunts, Orange was caught in the middle of the battlefield. As he dispatched another, hood-wearing goblin by planting his weapon into its side, he pulled it out and turned about in time to see another goblin, yet one of a much bigger size and very well-armored as opposed to the others. He had a spike-tipped, fur-lined helmet, a left pauldron made of a wolf skull, and wielded a vicious-looking bearded axe. Over back he wore a trophy rack containing a few skulls and a knight helmet.

"Who are you?" Orange asked, pointing his weapon to the being. He laughed in reply and sniffed loudly through his nose.

"I'm da warboss of dis here group. My name's Rukk Gougesnik," the creature spoke. "And you's all gonna feel my wrath in just a second when I cut yer head off with my axe."

"Warboss?" the knight questioned. "What does that mean? Are you some kind of businessman?"

"It means dat I'm da bestest, so's I'm da boss!" he bellowed, as the sound of the carnage around them went on. "...And I've gotta admit, you look a lot like dem stunties I've fought a lot. And I just love to kill me some stunties."

"Who are you calling "stunty," big-nose?" Orange insulted. Gougesnik gave a nasty, red-eyed glare.

"Hmph. Prepare to get yer head krumped, ya git!" the goblin yelled in an enraged voice as he picked his bearded axe up, and began to charge forward with a monstrous roar. "WAAAAGH!"

---

"That was some fight, wouldn't you say?" Blue sighed, as he slid down the mound of green bodies he stood on top of. The early morning sun was just forming overhead, unleashing a bright, reddish glow over the mist-strewn land.

"I'll say," the nearby Orange panted in agreement as he picked up the large, severed head of the now-dead goblin warboss by one of his long ears, and looked into his dull, lifeless eyes while a tongue dangled out of his toothy mouth limply. "This guy here put up quite a fight. Took me almost all night to kill him. That's one nice helmet he's got though, I must admit..."

"What did that guy call himself?" Blue asked, as he joined up with his friend on the ground.

"Warboss Gouge-something or other," he replied, taking one last look at the head before removing the helmet from it, and casually tossing the dismembered body part away to a nearby pile of goblin corpses. "Where are the others?" he asked.

"Somewhere over there," he spoke, pointing past the field of greenskins that littered the ground like fallen leaves. They both walked through it until Orange decided to speak out.

"Derpy?" he shouted, cupping his hands together to make his voice louder. "Red? Green? Where are you all?"

"Over here! We're all over here!" a female voice responded. Quickly making their way through the fog, they saw, to their relief, their otherwise-unharmed allies. Green was cleaning his sword, Derpy was sitting on one of the logs they were using the night before, and Red appeared to be a few dozen feet from the two, holding several, tamed wolves by their reigns.

"Thank goodness you're alright," Derpy spoke to Blue and Orange. "There were a lot of them, huh?"

"I know, right?" Blue chuckled, as he went up to Green. Orange instead sat down next to the gray pegasus, letting out a tired sigh.

"Hey, Derpy," he said.

"What is it?" she asked

"I... got you a helmet to protect yourself with. It looked comfy," he spoke, giving the warboss's headgear to her. She took it from him in her hooves and fit the spike-topped, fur-lined piece of armor over her head; wrapping the string that held it on around her neck.

"It fits perfectly!" she chuckled. "And it feels so soft!"

"I'm glad you like it..." he grinned back in a small, bashful way. Nearby, sitting with the wolves, Red was starting chuckle.

"D'aww..." he sighed, as he received another, drool-covered lap over the face. "They like me!"

"Hey..." Green spoke, an idea already in his head the second he saw the saddles the canines wore on their backs. "Those goblins were riding these creatures, right?"

"Yeah," Blue said, catching on with what he was saying. "Are you suggesting that we ride them ourselves?"

"Ooh... we could get to the Crystal Empire in no time if we do that!" Derpy smiled, clapping her hooves together.

"Alright men and pony," Blue began to order. "I hope you're all ready for the rides of your lives. Mount. Your. Wolves!"

Comments

[Orkus]

6983306 Right now.

[Lady Lightning Strike]

OK. That was funny.
And it seems like orange has a crush on Derpy.

Hehe . A Castle Crusher has a crush.

[Mkchief34]

Aw yeah. Castle Crashers forever!

[qazse]

Did you just bring the orks from warhammer into your story?..... AWESOME

[MrAquino]

Orange having a crush on Derpy? That's... adorable! 3 things I'm sure will happen:
1) Derpy will feel a bit j)ealous when Orange wins a princess OR, if Orange fails on all of them, Derpy will give him a kiss.
2) Derpy and Orange fight back to back together.
3) When all is over, Either Orange stays behind with his, albeit, strange lover, or Derpy takes Ditzy to live in Orange's world. (Turning into knights themselves as an added option or not.)

[Orkus]

6998568
6998433
I hate to break it to you, but it's not a crush. He just finds her adorable.

[MrAquino]

6998577

Oh well! At least he can ride her when they ride the wolves! *Music plays*

[Jack Kellar]

Someone press the answering machine's red button, coz I called it!

[Not so New Brony]

The ponies, especially Derpy surprisingly seems unfazed by all that wanton slaughter though I suppose after what happened with Sablewing's takeover, they've been desensitized somewhat.

[Dastardly Hun]

Viscous looking? Don't you mean vicious?

Also great joke with the red sunrise :D

[Smug Anime Girl]

Boss fight!

[Fire Flyer]

This fic is completely and utterly insane, with levels of carnage that would make the most hardcore psychopath lose their lunch.
...I LOVE IT!

[xv22shasokais]

6998568 Well, since Cadence's kinda married already, it is fair enough.

[Gizmo Gear]

7197123 *sniff-sniiiiiiiiiiiiiifffff* Is that *sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffff* romance I smell? Orange x Derpy!?!?