(This description is the description for the story I'm doing to try and retell this story. I had originally planned to rewrite it here but, now that I read the first chapter over, I realize it's changed enough that I am willing to consider it a new story. You can read what is done of this one, but remember that the description now only loosely talks about this story. Thank you).
The Siege of Canterlot, as it has gone down in the history books as, has left the changelings and their hive in a deep depression. They are running low on food, their numbers were only a percentage of what they had before, and the sanity of some of the drones in the hive has fallen so low as to warrant themselves going rogue and leaving the hive to its own defenses.
In order to try and combat this recession and apparent downfall of her beloved hive, Chrysalis, has deployed meetings to be held every three months, a meeting that involves all of the inhabitants of the hive. To get every crucial system within the hive back to full functionality and working order, mandatory jobs are to be given out at every one of these meetings to random drones.
While Hux and his friend Kui have avoided getting those jobs for some time now, they are eventually entrusted with their part towards the reconstruction of the hive after a little bit of a disturbance.
The mandatory, random jobs have sufficed the hive thus far, but during an unexpected encounter with their greatest enemy, the reconstruction plan may have just turned into the destruction plan.
Changelings are awesome. More please!
6706817 Thanks! Glad you like it! I will get the next chapter out whenever I can.
Pretty good, this is gonna be a funny story.
6708177 Thanks
Nice beginning. I just hope nothing really bad happens to him.
Buzz off, Twilight, leave the poor Cuteling alone!
Cya
Raziel-chan
6709139 Guess you'll just have to see :)
I can already tell i'm going to be addicted to this story
6712824 Thank you! Second chapter is in the works and will be out soon!
That swear was not needed, or just ponify it or something. They don't swear in show and now its look strange when she say this. Just change to bucking and it will be better
6716654 Guess that was kinda unnecessary. Sorry :P just got too into it, I guess.
Yup defiantly addicted
6717086 Oh thank god. I was afraid the second chapter was shit :P
6717134 By the way i like your profile pic
6717145 Thanks. Just found it off the internet. Just search Flutterderp. Thanks again though!
Huh, interesting. Though the execution option, I do hope it was just to scare him, I can't really see them really killing a sapient being because of its race.
Cya
Raziel-chan
6717928 You actually never know. After what the changelings did, they may assume there is no other option. I don't believe any of them wanted to do that option, but that's how their "court" works. They give the defender options and they can choose one willingly or fight for their own. So that was an option for him to take or leave, not really the ponies' decision.
6718307 What I meant is I highly doubt there's a death penalty in Equestria. They would probably throw him into a deep dungeon forever.
And it'd be extremely hypocritical for ponies to preach harmony and then go around executing members of another race because part of said race attacked once (going by show canon here). Especially that they DO have dungeons they could keep them in.
cya
Raziel-chan
6718338 True, that is a good point. But, if they want the world to be harmonious, there are bound to be some who wish to take their life rather than live in a dungeon. If they take it of their free will, rather than be in a dungeon for the rest of their life, then I think that they would give them that option. Frankly, I would think that being offered the death penalty shows that they truly don't want to hurt him, and instead are giving him an option to end it all, rather than be trapped like a bug.
6718389 I suppose there's some logic to that, just this, on the other hand, puts the method of spreading Harmony in question. What is this harmony worth if you spread it by force? If you just place others between a choice of "bend to our view of the perfect world or spend your life in a dungeon or die". Equestria doesn't cover the entire planet, so I think instead of death the option should be banishment from Equestria, or simply that as another option. Yeah, the option of banishment should be added, then it'd really be a complete choice.
Still, wanna see more. The lack of a tragedy tag makes me hopeful, since I'm not a fan of that.
Cya
Raziel-chan
6719932 I guess you're right in that aspect. I'm not gonna change it now just for reasons, but you are completely correct. Then again, because they discovered that the changelings are still around, being proven by meeting Hux, then they might have to resort to stuff like this.
Ok.
6735658 Okay
6735663 Yeah.
6735672 Yep
6735676 Hmm.
You should hook up with an editor and map out the whole story you have so you guys can nail down pacing, it feels rushed and off a bit.
6735691 Okay, thank you. I mean, this is only my second story and I don't know any editors.
6735685 Huh
Everyone in this is behaving beyond weird, no offense. Not only does the cast actually in all seriousness propose something like execution (as in murdering Hux for the crime of existing) as a valid course of action, Applejack goes from violently hating changelings to giving up her identity and advising the character in the span of not even an entire chapter. Flam is being an utter idiot to believe that he actually has legal claim to the orchard and/or would ever get away with slaughtering the previous owner and then have a snowball's chance in hell of actually getting to live there. And Twilight just spontaneously punching someone as the solution to a problem? I mean, really?
"Cruel" doesn't even begin to describe it. Seriously, just what were you even thinking there?
6735710 Alright.
My godness... So good. So dramatic
6735722 First of all, I guess, thanks for the feedback. Second of all, with the execution thing, I already had a discussion about that with someone else. Just look through the comments. Also, Applejack, from what I can tell, is a pony who will give most others another chance. She in the story does not like Hux, but she is giving him a chance because she doesn't want to hate all of them. She isn't really giving up her life, well, I mean, not giving it up forever. Flim and Flam are always idiots.
Lastly, you said no offense in the beginning, but at the end I feel like you worded incorrectly to not mean any offense.
Thanks for the feedback.
6735725 Absolutely
... The hell just happened?
Cya
Raziel-chan
6735742 Thank you!
6735750 I thank you for this story :3.
6735749 Do you mean that in a good or bad way?
I'll take it as good.
What happened is Flim and Flam being complete idiots again.
6735752 You make me feel loved.
6735722 Also, who said the other owners were slaughtered?
6735746
It's exasperation more than anything. The story concept is interesting enough, but the way you are making the characters behave is, in all honesty, simply nonsensical. You don't go from sleazy con-man to cold-blooded murderer like that. The only one who behaves in a recognizable way to me is Fluttershy - and I haven't even gotten into Hux own character yet. Seriously, he doesn't even actually seem to visibly care about his situation or be even in the least upset about it.
If this were an alternate universe story or something, maybe I could see most of that happening. As it is, though, it seems like you're just throwing together those random ideas without even trying to make a cohesive whole out of it. The prose itself is fine and the writing is clearly well-proofread and there's a solid amount of quality control going into that part, so I don't really understand why you don't seem to be putting an equivalent amount of effort into the plotting and characterization of it as well.
6735782 I guess I can see your point there. I am mainly just writing when I can. When I get into it, I think I rush a little too much, but trust me, the story will wrap around, at least I hope it will. From what I have planned, I think it will. But anyways, the whole execution thing, in case you haven't seen it, is what I think is one of the most logical choices actually. Just think about it, from the situation they were in, they were either giving him a choice to stay in the dungeon or act as a spy. I feel like giving him the option for execution is actually a nice thing to do. I don't think I would want to be held prisoner or act as a spy against my people, so I feel that is a nice option. Hux, from how I have planned him, is a changeling that doesn't truly like to show emotion, unless in a situation when it is a good place to do it. Showing he is scared when Flim and Flam were ganging up on him is kinda smart, basically showing he won't stand down to the likes of them.
6735801
From a personal perspective, in terms of out-of-character logic. I can understand you there. It just doesn't really make a whole lot of sense coming from these characters specifically to me. These are the folks who befriended even Discord rather than so much as just keep him locked in stone, after all. One reformed villain is literally sitting there and taking part in the debate. Killing isn't really the kind of thing that should come easily to them, never mind as a first, second or even third choice. If this story has the kind of setting that would lead them to make cold-blooded and pragmatic decisions like that it's one thing, but then you kind of have to visibly establish that somewhere beforehand. As it is, it kind of comes out of nowhere.
I get your point about the character, but you have to remember that he's also the point-of-view character. That he doesn't visibly want to outwardly show emotions to the other characters is one thing, but what makes it jarring is that we see little reaction in his internal reactions, either. In fact, the lack of any real reaction is kind of the problem about it. His internal narration just doesn't really emote at all. He's not positive about it, he's not negative about it. He doesn't really seem to have much in the way of feelings about it at all, really, and instead just kind of goes "meh." It doesn't really mesh well with the contrarian, stand-out attitude you established for him in the first chapter.
Personally, I think the latter part is something that you should really define more and make more visible. Without that, Hux just seems kind of like an emotional blank that it's difficult to relate to in any real way.
6735839 Then again, Celestia basically ordered them to reform Discord. I can conquer with the whole Starlight Glimmer thing. This does take place in the real Equestria, but, I mean, up to that point when they found Hux, they could've thought that the changelings were gone. I can completely agree with you on the emotional blank he has, and I need to work on that I guess. I just wanted to say thank you for all the feedback, and I hope you'll stay around for the next chapter to see if I improve on anything.
6735865
I'm glad it was of help. I've put the story on my watchlist and will be getting back to you on that as the next chapter rolls around.
6735874 Thanks!
Hello there new chapter time to read you
6736201 Well hello again, Microbo.
The ending of that chapter was unexpected