Smile, Smile, Smile...

by Prince Furo

Chapter 1

“Hey, Pinkie Pie!”

Hi.

“Thanks for cheering me up!”

Don't mention it.

“Pinkie Pie! Your party yesterday was great!”

Thanks.

“Pinkie, hi! You look happy today!”

Do I? That's great.

All the passing comments of her 'friends' clouded the pink mare's thoughts. She was making her usual rounds around town, smiling and waving at every pony she saw. They all responded back with great big grins and words of praise. Words she didn't think she deserved. Words she didn't want to hear.

It has become a daily routine for Pinkie Pie, her rounds. Every day at around the same time, she would greet and talk to each and every one of her 'friends'. Every day, she would paint on a gorgeous, stunning smile that everypony loved.

She waved to the last of the ponies as she approached Sugar Cube Corner. It was closed today; Mr. and Mrs. Cake were away visiting relatives in Manehattan. Pinkie had the store to herself.

Every day... every day is the same.

She shut the door behind her, taking the time to make sure no pony was paying attention to her. No pony was.

Why does it always hurt so much?

Pinkie's famous smile had disappeared. A new expression had taken it's place, an expression filled with pain. Her eyes lost that sparkle of excitement they usually sported. They were glossy and unfocused. Her mouth contorted into a frown, the corners of her lips quivering slightly as it began to rain.

Why me? Why is it my job to keep everypony happy all the time? I can't do it. I don't want to do it.

It fell steadily, dampening the fur around Pinkie's eyes. The drops were large and salty, blurring her vision slightly.

I want to. No, I need too.

The mare had found her small, sharp knife left in it's usual spot. It was waiting for her, like a good friend would. The handle felt comfortable in her hoof as if it belonged there.

Just a few small ones. Just enough to make me feel better.

Pinkie Pie knew it was wrong. She's known that fact since she started a few months ago.

Its not that bad. It'll help me be able to keep smiling. No matter what, I can't stop smiling.

The weapon seemed to move on it's own, slowly tracing over scars that had been made on previous occasions. Pinkie didn't want anyone to find out about this, so she tried to make them as unnoticeable as possible. She would make a few small gashes, no longer then an inch or two, and wait for it to heal. Then she would repeat the process over the same small scars.

It usually worked and calmed her down.

Usually.

There have been a few times when she couldn't stop herself from doing more than a few small cuts. Days when the pink mare just couldn't keep up the fake smile any longer. Remembering days like that only made Pinkie want to repeat them. She couldn't, though. Her 'friends' would get suspicious if she used the same excuse again.

~

“Pinkie? What happened to your hoofs and legs?”

White bandages were wrapped tightly against her front forelegs, making sure the cuts stayed closed until healed.

Pinkie's heart skipped a beat. No, she can't know. No pony can know.

She giggled happily. “Oh, Dashie, it's nothing really! Gummy and I were fooling around and things got a bit out of control, is all.” The lie flew from her mouth with ease; Pinkie Pie had taken the time to come up with this excuse, if the occasion of somepony noticing ever arose.

Rainbow Dash's concerned expression was still present, but she seemed to be a little more at ease.

“Are you sure everything's okay? You've seemed... off, lately.”

Pinkie Pie felt her face grow slightly paler. Rainbow was clever, too clever, despite her narcissistic personality and tendencies.

She forced her grin to widen impossibly, until her face ached.

“Dashie, I promise, I'm fine! I've just been a little stressed out lately, that's all. With a good night's sleep, I'll be back to normal in no time!”

Luckily for Pinkie Pie, Rainbow believed it all at the time.

~

The knife carved its way into the pink mare's skin slowly. Immediately, her garish pink fur was tainted with hints of brilliantly bright crimson. The liquid slowly oozed from its spot, silently creeping down Pinkie's leg.

Just one or two more, that's all.

Another slice was placed directly below the first. A third somehow found its way onto the mare's other leg. A fourth was made, twice as long as the others. A fifth, slightly deeper than the previous one.

Pinkie's front forelegs had gone numb, as expected. It didn't hurt, it never really had. The rush adrenaline and emotional release is what kept making her come back.

One more, and I'll stop.

However, after once more, Pinkie Pie didn't stop. A sixth, seventh, eighth... the mare had lost count. She was too engrossed in her unfinished painting to stop and count them up.

A loud sob had broken the heavy silence. More tears leaked from the corners of Pinkie's eyes as she choked on her sobs. Her sessions of cutting usually ended in more tears.

“Why... w-why do things have to be like this?” she said, aloud.

“Why can't I be happy and normal like everypony else?”

She made several more cuts before letting the knife fall from her hoof to the floor. She was unable to grasp it any longer. It landed with a 'clank', splattering several small drops of blood in random directions.

Pinkie Pie hadn't cut this much since... well, actually, she's never cut this much before. Usually she would stop after four of five small ones.

Her sticky forelegs stung as the cuts swelled up. Had she cleaned the knife since last time? Pinkie couldn't remember and she frankly didn't care.

The mare's front legs gave out, giving her a one-way ticket to the floor. The pain got worse; both of her legs ached terribly.

This hasn't ever happened before... Why does it hurt so much now?

Pinkie tried to get up off the floor, but her legs would not allow it. She struggled for little bit, until the pain erupting from her skin became too much to handle. She stayed still, letting her legs go limp.

For the first time, Pinkie Pie regretted her actions. Usually, they made her feel much better... But this time, it only made her hurt worse.

More droplets ran down her tear-stained face, falling to the tiled floor to meet and mingle with the drops of red. She stayed still and silent, lost in her own thoughts.

If only everypony didn't expect so much of me... maybe I wouldn't have to do this to myself. It's just impossible... I can't keep everypony happy all the time. I can't even keep myself happy...

If I can't keep everypony happy, I'm worthless. There's nothing I can really do, being a lousy earth pony.

I can't do magic like Twilight or Rarity... I can't help animals like Fluttershy... I can't be somepony to look up to like Dashie... I can't even help ponies like Applejack-- and she's an earth pony too. What can I do? Throw parties? Play 'pin the tail on the pony'? Bake a cake? All such worthless qualities...

If anypony saw me like this... would they still want to be my friend...? I doubt it.

Negative thoughts kept swirling around in the pink pony's head, draining every bit of hope she possessed. Pinkie had been thinking like this for quite some time, allowing herself to dwell on topics like this more and more. Of course, not everything she thought was the truth. But in her current state, she was blinded from seeing the real, positive effects she had on everypony.

Somepony... anypony... help me...

~

“Rainbow!” a certain lavender unicorn called to her friend. The winged mare looked down from her cloud, an air of annoyance surrounding her.

“What do you want, Twilight?” she replied without interest, refusing to move from her perch on the cloud. She had been 10, maybe 15 minutes into her afternoon nap.

“Can you please come down here? I want to talk with you about Pinkie Pie.”

Rainbow Dash gave in and flew down from her cloud upon hearing the name of her best friend. She cocked her head to the side in confusion, wondering what Twilight wanted to talk about.

“Yeah? What about her?” the cyan mare asked.

“Have you seen her at all recently? She never hangs out with any of us anymore. I've talked to Rarity, Applejack, even Fluttershy, and they all say that she never visits any them anymore.”

Rainbow pondered what Twilight said for a minute. Now that she thought about it, Pinkie rarely came to see her anymore, or even drop by for a quick 'hi'. “You're right, Twilight. The only times I've seen her is when she walks around town often. But besides that, nothing at all.”

The pegasus thought back to when she had seen Pinkie wearing a few bandages around her legs. She remembered how she immediately assumed the worst, and how Pinkie's face had gotten paler and paler with every word she had said.

“That's odd, isn't it? Usually Pinkie is always hanging around somepony, but it seems as if she's been on her own for a while,” Twilight observed out loud. Rainbow Dash nodded, agreeing with the unicorn. She couldn't help but feel guilty for letting her bouncy pink friend be alone the past few days. “Maybe you could go pay her a visit? If anything's bothering her, I'm sure she's most likely to open up to you, Rainbow. You two are best friends, after all,” the lavender unicorn offered her a smile. Rainbow Dash, however, did not return it. Her mind was solely focused on Pinkie Pie, worrying about her.

“Actually, that's not a bad idea. I'm going to go see her now,” Rainbow said before trotting away quickly, not even giving Twilight a chance to respond. Her trot became faster, eventually breaking into flying at her normal speed: fast.

~

Pinkie Pie's legs had finally stopped stinging and aching. In fact, she'd lost all feeling in them all together. She had finally managed to get up off the ground, with much difficulty. Even now that she was on all four hooves, she was still wobbly; teetering back and forth as she stumbled about.

The pink mare picked up her friend, (using her mouth, as her front hooves were currently useless), and dropped it back into the drawer it came from. She made a mental note to bandage herself up once her hoofs allowed it.

Taking an old rag from the counter to clean up any traces of her incident on the floor, Pinkie heard hoof-steps right outside the entrance to the sweet shop. Her heart began racing and she felt the color drain from her face in fear. She panicked, not really knowing what to do.

A sharp knock was made on the door.

“Pinkie Pie? Are you in there? It's me, Rainbow Dash.”

Pinkie didn't dare respond. Maybe if she was quiet enough, Rainbow would leave to look for her elsewhere. Maybe.

Another knock, this one louder than the last. “I know you're in there, Pinkie Pie.”

“Go away!” was all the pink pony said in reply.

“Pinkie, if you don't open this door on your own, I'll just let myself in.” The door knob jiggled, but refused to grant the pegasus entrance. Rainbow's frustrated grunts were audible from inside the shop. Pinkie let out a small sigh of relief, she had at least remembered to lock the door behind her. She knew that something like a locked door would be useless in the way of a determined pegasus, though.

“One...” Rainbow began counting.

Pleasepleaseplease don't get to three.

“Two...”

Please, I'm begging you. Don't come inside. You'll see the monster I've become.

“Three!”

Rainbow Dash burst through the door with all her might, sending it flying off its hinges, breaking it.

Broken. Just like Pinkie Pie is.

Rainbow took a minute to regain her composure, shaking off small bits of wood from her mane and fur. She blinked, eyes adjusting to how dark it was inside the shop. Pinkie had the curtains tightly shut.

“Pinkie? Everything okay...?” she approached her friend, noticing first that she was still quietly crying. Possible reasons for the pink mare's tears flooded into Rainbow's head, but all but one vanished once she saw Pinkie's legs.

The pegasus's eyes widened as conflicting emotions ran through her head.

Anger. To some extent, she was angry with Pinkie Pie. Why had she done such a stupid, dangerous thing? Pinkie should know better than to play around with knives, especially when it put her very life at such a high risk.

Worry. If Pinkie's cutting this much now... how much as she cut in the past? Will her habits continue in the future? Or possibly get worse?

Confusion. What had driven Pinkie to start? Why hadn't she come to confide in Rainbow Dash, or any of the others?

Guilt. That one was the strongest, by far.

It took Rainbow quite some time to find words for the pink mare. Nothing in her head seemed right to say at the moment. Finally, she decided on a single word.

“...Why?” her tone was soft, as if the question was some sort of secret unfit for the ears of anypony except the mare in front of her. She was unable to make eye contact with Pinkie, and instead directed her eyes to her hooves. They were shaking.

Pinkie didn't respond at first. She looked around the room randomly, desperately looking for something, anything, to take her mind off Rainbow, even if only for a second.

“Pinkie Pie, please te--”

“Because I just can't handle it on my own, okay?!”

Once again, the rain began to fall, but this time with an audience present.

Her voice rose, wavering in uncertain tones. She continued on, “I just can't do it. I can't, Dashie, I can't! Keeping everypony happy... do you have any idea how hard it is? To have the responsibility for everypony's emotions? ...Everypony's emotions... except my own. No, my own don't matter! As long as everpony else is happy. Then I'm supposed to be happy too. But I'm not. Tell me, Dashie, what do I do then?”

Rainbow didn't know how to reply.

“It's just not fair. Everypony has someone to turn to when they're feeling lonely or sad. I don't. I have to smile for them, Dashie. No matter what I'm feeling. I can be having the worst possible day of my life, yet I have to keep smiling. Why? Why do I have to keep smiling, Dashie? It hurts! It hurts so much.

“Sometimes, I just want it all to end. The pain. But I know I can't do something like that, it'd be too selfish to do. So instead, I turn to my friend, the knife. He's really nice to me, Dashie. I can tell him all my problems and secrets, and he'll still like me. I don't have to smile all the time around him. I can just let everything out.

“It hurts. Seeing all those ponies smile so nicely everyday... Their smiles are true, Dashie. Mine aren't. But everypony thinks my smile is the best... but its fake! They expect so much of me. I just... can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, okay? I've let everypony down. But I just can't do it. I can't.”

“Pinkie Pie... I--”

“It's okay, Dashie. You don't have to say anything. I kind of figured that after seeing what I'm really like, you wouldn't want to be friends anymore,” the pink mare's tears had run dry. She turned away from the pegasus in front of her, expecting Rainbow to leave.

“...You can be really stupid sometimes, you know that? Why wouldn't I still want to be your friend? You're still the bright pink pony we all love. We just don't know you as well as we thought.”

Pinkie's ears perked up as she turned to face Rainbow Dash. The blue mare pulled her into a tight hug. Pinkie could feel the crook of her neck become damp as Rainbow cried silently into her.

“I'm so sorry. So sorry. I had no idea... I'm sorry.”

Pinkie smiled softly at the mare in front of her, returning the hug.

A real smile.

“I'm sorry too, Dashie... Thank you.”

Comments

[Prince Furo]

A/N Time!

This has been something I've been wanting to write for a long time. The idea began forming in my head after hearing Pinkie Pie's 'Smile Song' for the first time.
I'm quite pleased at how this fic turned out. There are a few places that are a bit bumpy, but overall, I like it. It was also a pleasure to write, even though it was terribly sad. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

[PhoKingAzn]

697749
I been thinking about the same thing,
but a lot of others did to, lets see

[IAmScootaloo]

Great story! I cried some manly tears.

[kbrony]

Well the first half had me pissed off and confused, but you wrapped it up nicely. Still I bet you could have made the ending a little brighter. Good fic, deserving of a thumb!
P.S. personally I would add a dark tag

[LIGHTNINLANDEN]

Pretty good! I hate to see pinkie in a bad mood though it makes me sad.... But still! Good read!

[vren55]

An interesting concept...I think you need to expand it a little more with a bit more backstory because as kbrony pointed out, it's a little confusing first part.

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

Deep Inside A Shell - Tony Iommi

[chavezery]

698654
It's bad to point out that something is confusing..? I haven't read it yet, but the comments are telling me that the first half is a bit messy :L
Also, I'll do a reading later, it's way to early to do one at the moment. :V

[Prince Furo]

698568 Thank you!

698588 Heheh sorry about that. Yeah, I could have, but I'd much rather let the readers think about it for a little while after they finished reading. Thanks for the thumbs up, I'm glad you liked it! c: And yeah, I was thinking about it, but I wasn't sure if it'd be appropriate or not. :o

698630 It makes me sad too Thank you!

698635 Yeah, I should have expanded on that. I had the whole thing worked out nicely in my head, so I really should have explained what was going on in the beginning a bit more. xD; But part of it was also intentional. Like how Pinkie responded to a lot of people/things with her thoughts. I also like to be one of those authors who keep the readers in the dark until they get to a certain point. Because I'm evil.
Thanks for your comment, I'll be sure to work on that in the future, or perhaps try to fix it in the story. c:

698654 I don't mind at all! As a young writer, (lolol15yearoldauthorrighthere ;D), criticism is something I need to learn and grow as a writer. None of the ponies were rude, and are just giving me their honest opinion of how my writing can be made better.
I thank you for defending me, though. x'D

698655 At first I was really confused. Then I looked at your username.

[RaptorJesus]

I don't usually like this kind of stories...But it was handled well and ends with an hopeful note. Great job.

[vren55]

699266 ah, so you were opting for that technique. Well, I wouldn't say it backfired on you, just that IMO, it would have been better if you explained a little more. Your result wasnt that bad, it is just that usually, mental crisis do not suddenly start, usually there is a trigger. Not a psychologist here, but that is what I have heard. I think if you described a little mor what the trigger was your story would've been more consistent.

P.S I get lost in my head too. So don't worry about it.

[Prince Furo]

699830 Thank you very much!

699861 Mhmm! Yeah, I should have wrote about some sort of trigger. :o But I guess what I was going for what that Pinkie Pie has felt this way for quite some time, even before the cutting. And she tried it out, just to see what it was like, and got addicted. (Which is why even though she kept saying 'one more and I'll stop', she couldn't stop.) So I guess I thought of her feeling sad for a while, but just getting worse and worse into a depression and turning to cutting for comfort.
You certainly are right though; in many cases there are triggers for people (Or ponies ) to start or try out cutting. But from my experiances, constant sadness can lead to depression, which can lead to just trying out cutting... which can lead to becoming addicted. (It's the adrenaline rush that gets people hooked on it).
Sorry for that long ramble xD;; But yeah, I could've had another flashback or something of her trying it out for the first time. Or something. -jotsitdown- If I ever do a re-write of this, I'll keep it in mind.

[vren55]

700951 LOL don't worry about rambling. You can easily call my review up there a ramble. And, you are right about constant sadness leading to depression...Do you mind if you take a look at my story? I'm still at beginning stage, but I need to get it right or else the entire plot will be screwed up.

[SuperChaosKG]

Well that was very good.

...

Y'know, I think its funny. I am predominantly a comedy writer, and sometimes am really shocked and apalled at the stuff people write. And yet, I keep coming bacj to these stories, still wanting to read them, even if I know that I would much rather make people laugh than cry. Does that make sense.

Wait, make people smile?

Oh dear lord, no

[Prince Furo]

701430 Sure, I'd love to take a look at it! I'll get to it as soon as I get home tomorrow after school; I have final exams to study for now :X

702176 Thank you!
It does make sense, I do the same thing xD Except write sad stuff, and go to indulge in comedies. |D
Huh? o u o -confused-

[SuperChaosKG]

702419

I said make people laugh and smile. Now, what's this fanfic's title?

[Prince Furo]

706800

[ThatGirl2147]

All I can do is applaud, Comrade. Bravo, Sir. Bravo.

[Draco Dei]

Ok, bit of a public service announcement:
A.) Help is out there.
B.) Ok, this is a long story, but y'all should read it because it could pay off big. I see a shrink for communications issues (great ideas, but I struggle to explain them clearly as this post probably demonstrates). A friend of mine was fighting self-cutting. They are in a much more connected situation last I knew, but we haven't spoken in a while. The point is I had a risky idea to help them beyond the things that any good friend would do. Not being a complete idiot, I talked to my shrink about it rather than just trying it. He said two things:
1.) It was a very good idea that could really help her.
2.) I only had half the skill-set needed to safely do it. I had the right emphasis on the imaginary (sorry, I can't be more specific here), but I didn't have the necessary level of psychological training (Well DUH, I'm a Mechanical Engineer).
Anyway, I am trying to spread the idea to creative thinking psychological professionals. This would be a hopeless task (rather than just an extreme long-shot) if it weren't for the fact that the idea should stand on its own merits.

Anyway... people who wish to direct me to such shrinks anywhere in the world should PM me. I would post the full idea here (or, more likely, type it up somewhere else and link to it), except that it would be as irresponsible as posting directions for how to make nitroglycerine. Worse yet, PARTIAL directions for how to safely make nitroglycerine.

[Prince Furo]

713572 Thank you c:

723214 I am a bit confused on what you're saying here :x But any idea to help people who struggle with cutting is bound to be a good one.

[Draco Dei]

723270
Let me try to explain again since it is probably going to take multiple successive approximations to get the idea across.
Good? Yes.
"For experts only"? In this case, yes. Done wrong this could technique I came up with the basic idea for could easily end up making the problem WORSE. Again, I am not such an expert, I am just looking to get my idea into the hands of those who could use it to make the world a better place. It requires two skill sets, the first being that you have to be a shrink (I am not), and the other I don't feel comfortable specifying in a public forum due being very cautious on the related safety issues. Suffice to say that any good author on this site would probably have a shot at that half. The talents have to coexist in a single individual.

[Rarityshy]

Very interesting take on Pinkie, it isn't often someone makes Pinkie realistic. A pony can't be happy all the time, every one has bad days; Pinkie never seems to. You have taken a very realistic and poignant path to describing Pinkie and I applaud you for it. All I can say is

[Prince Furo]

735018 Yeah, that's where I got the initial idea for this story. c: Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Red Fox14]

This... This is just amazing. And sad. Beautiful story, and I can't tell you how happy I am that it didn't end with PinkieDash shipping. Speaking of which, this seem quite similar to another story, one called Broken Colt. Can't remember who its by, but it's in my favorites if you want to check it out.

Edit: Here it is. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27615/Broken-Colt

[Prince Furo]

867405 I was actually thinking about shipping the two of them together in this, but I thought it would take away from the story. I wanted to dabble in Pinkie's emotions, and do nothing more. c:
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and let me know that you did. It really means a lot as a writer.

I've never heard of it, but I'll take a look at it right now!

[Red Fox14]

868917 Oh crap, wrong link. Here's the right one. link.

[Prince Furo]

872269 I started reading the other one and I was like: Wat.

Just read the right one, it was pretty good.