Thundering Skies

World War Bronies129 stories ·731 members

After a staggering loss and lucky retreat from the collapsing battlefields of New Mareland, Equestria and its neighbouring allies stand as the last bastion of freedom in the world. Tasked with defending ponykind, the Royal Equestrian Air-force and the Equestrian Royal Navy have been particularly active, working round the clock to keep Equestria's skies and seas free of Griffon forces.

Chapters have been unpublished while rewrite is taking place. Written using British spelling.

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Comments ( 15 )

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toxiconym

toxiconym #1 · Dec 7th, 2015 · · · Skyward Bound ·

I'll read it when it's not 11 am here
Bookmarked. Reading this is high priority

YourFellowPony

YourFellowPony #2 · Dec 7th, 2015 · · · Skyward Bound ·

6706929
I'm flattered, truly, but this isn't a masterpiece.

OneStrangeFellow

OneStrangeFellow #3 · Dec 8th, 2015 · 1 · · The Thunder ·

That deploring look, Filled with the purest of angst.

Is 'Filled' supposed to be capitalized? If you haven't proof-read, you should.

Or perhaps that shocking sensation when a plane comes crashing down from the heavens. Streaking smoke as black as death itself.

I feel like making this a compound sentence would make it easier to read.

So far, my opinions on this chapter vary. The paragraph and wording are pretty good, but it doesn't hint at a plot. Also, it's very, very short. This could be part of a prologue or added to the second chapter, but I honestly don't feel like making chapters this small is a good idea.

Nether-less, I shall continue reading. You've grabbed my interest.

YourFellowPony

YourFellowPony #4 · Dec 8th, 2015 · · · Skyward Bound ·

6712335 Thank you for the feedback .

That first chapter is more of a quick intro. Like a black screen with text at the movies.

OneStrangeFellow

OneStrangeFellow #5 · Dec 8th, 2015 · 1 · · Skyward Bound ·

The REAF stand firm as the Equestrians final defence from invasion...

To me, it sounds better in my head to say "The REAF stands firm", but I guess that's up for debate. The REAF in this sentence is worded like it belongs to Equestria (as the Equestrians final defence), so "Equestrians" needs an apostrophe because it is showing ownership of the REAF. Defence is probably a British thing, but it's showing up red on my spell checker.

Do we really need an ellipses? Other than that, the short description is pretty vague. That's perfectly fine, but it may ward off some readers.

''Hey Thread'' a voice called from outside, ''We got a briefing''.

"Hey, Thread!" a voice called from outside. "We got a briefing."

"Hey thread,--" a voice called from outside, "--we got a briefing." *Note, I may messed up with the en dash. Dashes aren't my forte*

''Yeah, yeah, I'm coming''

''Alrighty then''

These conversations aren't ending with any punctuation at all.

''Alrighty then'' the voice replied smugly, ''but don't blame me when Cap comes for ya''.

"Alrighty then." the voice replied smugly. "But don't blame me when Cap comes for ya."

The comma is a common mistake.

Hoof-steps clicked off into the distance.

This is very hard to visualize, I don't know the setting, therefore I cannot discern what "the distance" is.

Landing on my hooves with a dull smack, I looked around, to notice I was the only one in the barracks.

The second comma should not be there.

but maybe they new something I didn't.

Here's your free PhD: Perfidious Homophone Disorder

would of

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We had been at war for a while now, a never ending struggle to say the least. It started off with an invasion towards a small pony nation across the ocean, rapidly turning into a global conflict. Borders drawn and re-drawn. Battles for the smallest plots of land imaginable. Princess Celestia mentioned in her opening speech that she and Princess Luna believed they could settle this quickly for the sake of the world. A lot of innocent creatures had already died before we even joined into the conflict. Naturally, we Equestrians all agreed that if we could hastily put an end to the ghastly conflict, everything would return to normal. Peace, harmony and the like. Of course, this proved to be a false hope. After Prance fell, alongside a good few of our infantry divisions. We stand as the last bastion of freedom for the world.

Once you're finished with this story, you may want to consider a prequel. I'm interested in how the great Equestria (almost) fell to a "small pony nation".

If you guys like it, I will carry on. I have actually had a rather large amount of fun writing this.

Good! Many new authors get discouraged because they either get bored with the story or face a lot of negative criticism. Most happen to fall into the former category, but oh well. I am interested in more.

There were plenty of more mistakes, but it gets boring going back and forth from the chapter to down here. Also, proofread your work if you haven't. If you don't want to because it's boring, then there's a pretty good chance others will find it boring as well.

I found it intriguing.

OneStrangeFellow

OneStrangeFellow #6 · Dec 8th, 2015 · 1 · · Skyward Bound ·

6712377 I see how that could work in movies, but screenplays are much different from writing. They don't have to write imagery, just dialog and what the characters will do.

I can't recall a good, memorable fanfiction that has a separate 100 word interlude, unless the story is really famous and has a whole chapter for links to fan-art/readings/videos.

toxiconym

toxiconym #7 · Dec 8th, 2015 · 1 · · Skyward Bound ·

I was going to say the same thing about the short description. So far this story is good, though it does have a lot of grammar errors. Don't worry about it though, my first story was TERRIBLE.

But so are all my other stories my first one is just extremely bad.

YourFellowPony