The Mess Hall
The Equestrian Honor Guard
Chapter 23
By Honored Service
"Yo human wake up! It's time for breakfast." I cracked open my eyes to see Short Blade standing next to my bunk. He was tapping his hoof impatiently against the wooden floor. Hammer Strike was standing near the door waiting too.
"Alright." I kicked myself over the edge of the bunk and stood up. "Do I wear armor or what?" I picked up the under armor for my bad ass outfit; about to suit up.
"No you don't need the armor; we only use it for drills and inspection or formations, things like that. So just throw something on."
Hammer Strike snorted from the doorway. "Why are you wearing something anyway? The training camp doesn't require clothing to be worn." He gave a grunt and nodded his head out the door. I quickly slipped into my blue pants and a red button up shirt. I almost forgot to grab my belt belts with Spike and Bad Bertha along with ammo and my canteen on it. I followed the two ponies out the door and towards the mess hall.
"Well in my culture on Earth, the planet I'm from, we humans always wear clothes. We are really only naked for cleaning ourselves and...um... you know... doing it."
My nervous and slightly embarrassing answer drew a laugh from my two squad mates as we crossed a large grassy field that had an obstacle course towering over it. Massive towers and rope walls and a large pit filled with mud. This course looked similar to a human military one. Wait how would a pony go about climbing a rope net? Pegasus have an advantage here, clearly.
"So clothes all the time?" Hammer Strike wiped a tear from his eye and collected himself to his calm, bored looking expressionless self.
"Yes. Clothes all the time. Fancy ones, simple attire, you name it, we wore it." Short Blade pointed a hoof towards a large stone building with a large flag flying over it. The flag was the seal of Equestria, the Alicorn sisters flying opposite of each other over a luscious green planet.
"Wow that must have cost a lot of bits having that many clothes to wear day in day out." Short Blade wiggled his flank right in front of me. "No wasted money here!"
Hammer Strike gave a cat call whistle which sent the two recruits into another fit of laughter. I joined in; apparently subtle gay jokes were just as common between males here, as they were on Earth.
We opened the door leading into the massive mess hall. Ponies trotted to tables from counters loaded with food of all types. Armored guards sat at the ends of the tables, watching over the recruits who placed trays of food down before seating themselves to begin eating.
"Honored, over here." Short Blade called out. He was in line holding a tray in his magic field. He levitated a pale green plastic tray to me. I reached out to snag it from his light blue aurora. As I grabbed the tray I felt a tingle in my hand.
It felt like my hand was asleep. I transferred the tray to my other hand and flexed my hand. It was still tingling and slowly stopped.
"Short Blade, you feel anything?" I looked at my hand, nothing different about it.
"Yeah. It was like I almost lost control of magic there for a second. What did you do Honored?" We stepped closer the delicious smells wafting from the line of food.
"Me? I didn't do shit. But my hand felt like it went to sleep." I wiggled my fingers to find the sensation had passed. Ugh, I hate that feeling.
"Hmm, yea I got nothing. Oh you have to try the hay fries, they are amazing!" he nodded to a tub filled with French fries. Really skinny French fries.
I looked at the buffet laid out before me. Hay, grasses, flowers, oats, and other plants. All of the pony food was cooked in oils and spices that smelled heavenly bit I knew that I couldn't eat any of it. What I wouldn't give for some Apple family delicacies or even Zecora's protein potion.
"So what you gonna get Honored? That daffodil and daisy cucumber sandwich has my name on it!" Short Blade levitated said sandwich onto his try along with a large spoon full of oats.
"Umm I can't eat this stuff. Humans can't digest this grass food." But at the end of the buffet line I noticed something I could eat. A platter of melons. There was a cantaloupe waiting for me to devour it.
I picked up the melon and waited for Short Blade and Hammer Strike to finish up piling their trays with food. They trotted up to me and we walked towards a table that displayed a large S on a banner. This must be Saddle table.
"Where are the others?" I asked, seeing the lack of the other two company mates. I unsheathed Bad Bertha and sliced the melon in half with such ease that I nearly sliced the table as well. Both Hammer Strike and Short Blade stared in awe at the power of the knife.
I picked up half the melon and stuck my face into it and began to eat hungrily of the sweet fruit. Damn, it's like anything here in Equestria is sweeter and more delicious than anything on Earth.
"Oh they had to pull guard duty at the gate today. They should be joining us soon, if their relief isn’t late. Bucking Charlie Horse Company can be really slack."
On cue the three other members of Saddle Company trotted up to the table. Fast Skies trotted up to the table and placed her try next to mine and seated herself next to me. Battle Plan levitated his try across the table and sat down facing us. Quick Flurry swooped low overhead and landed next to Short Blade with a soft thud and began to munch on some apples he had brought with him.
Battle Plan watched me for a moment as I bit into a large chunk if melon. He continued to watch me as I chewed. I noticed his staring eyes and slowed my chewing till I stopped.
“What?” I mumbled through a mouthful of sweet fruit. Holding out a chunk of the melon I asked him, “Want some?”
“Ah, no thank you. I was just observing you eating habits. Seeing a human eat is very different from a pony.” He watched me again and so did eveypony else at the table.
“Hey, can you ponies not stare at me that much while I eat, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable here.” I brought the orange fruit back to mouth and bit a large chunk of it away, tearing it from the brown rind.
Fast Skies gasped and pulled her head back. “Battle Plan I totally see it!” She scotted closer to me and said, “Do it again.”
“Do mhat amgan?”
“What?” She asked, raising an eye brow at me.
I swallowed my mouthful of melon, and wiped my mouth on my sleeve. “I said do what again?”
“Oh, eat the melon again; I want to see if you do the same thing?”
I rolled my eyes and ate the melon just as I had been doing for the last five minutes. I don’t see what could be so darn interesting about me eating some fruit. I know I'm amazing and all but I'm not that amazing.
So maybe I am.
“Battle Plan, I think I know what you're talking about.” Fast Skies leaned across the table and whispered into his ear. He nodded.
I looked at Hammer Strike, Short Blade, and Quick Flurry, “What are they talking about?”
“I don’t know. Probably about which one of us is cuter.” Short Blade rolled his shoulders and continued nibbling on his flower sandwich.
“No, because they already decided that I was the cutest.” Quick Flurry slumped against the table and flipped another apple into the air and caught it in his mouth. He bit it in half and placed the uneaten half back onto the table.
“Wait,” I asked, “Battle Plan is…gay?”
Quick Flurry sat up straight and took another bite of the apple. “What? Oh no, he just is more connected with his filly side than us. So he and Fast Skies are pretty tight friends. She is the only mare in Saddle Company… and in the most of this training camp. So they can talk about filly things.” He ate the rest of his apple and burped.
“So Honored Service,” Battle Plan and Fast Skies were both staring at me with goofy grins plastered on their faces.
“Yes?” I was a little nervous; I didn’t like the look that was spreading on their faces.
Battle Plan moved closer down his side of the table so he was directly in front of me. “What are human diets primarily made of?”
I gulped and thought about this. Tell the truth about meat? Or lie? So far being truthful has gotten me far. Might as well continue that streak.
“Humans are omnivores so we can eat fruit and vegetables along with meat.” None of the ponies showed any emotion to that statement. “You know, like living creatures.” Still no reaction. “That doesn’t bother any of you?”
“Fast Skies spoke up. “No, why should it? Do you eat ponies?”
“No. I did eat beef, pork, fish, and chicken.”
“Well as long as you don’t turn and start eating us, I don’t see why it’s a problem. Griffons eat all that, and they are somewhat civilized.” Fast Skies turned her attention back to watching me eat the remainder of my melon.
“Okay, seriously, what is so interesting about the way I eat?”
“Your teeth.” She said bluntly as she turned away from me and back to her tray of oats and hay.
“What about them?” I was now curious as to what was interesting about them.
“Those ones,” She pointed at my mouth with a red hoof, “Are sharp and pointy.”
I placed a finger on my canine teeth. “Yeah, these are the teeth that were used for eating meat.”
Battle Plan coughed and held out a hoof. Fast Skies sighed and placed three shiny bits into his out stretched hoof. “Thank you.”
“Wait, you made a bet on my teeth?” What the hell I wanted in on this game. I would make so much bank.
“Yes, we did. You see I bet Fast Skies here that your sharp front teeth are used for ripping and tearing of substance while she believed that they were for-“ He was cut off as a hoof full of hay hit him in the face.
“I said something silly and there is no need to repeat it. Isn’t that right Battle Plan.” Fast Skies gave him a look that could have frozen a cockatrice.
Wiping of his classes with his napkin, Battle Plan nodded. “Yes, I suppose it would be your choice to enlighten out friends here to your side of the bet.” He placed the glasses back onto his muzzle and sipped on his drink,
“Well Fast?” Short Blade leaned in to hear.
“No.” Skies, turned around with her back to the table.
“Fast, don’t make me do it.” Short Blade narrowed his eyes and gave a smirk. Fast Skies looked at him.
“You wouldn’t dare.” She narrowed her eyes at him, staring off at the unicorn.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a fork levitate itself and come up behind Fast Skies. She was unaware of the floating eating utensil that was moving closer to her back. I watched with amazement as the fork placed itself at the base of her mane and in a quick motion slid all the way down her back.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Fast Skies screamed, except it came out as a loud groan. She slid out of the bench and landed on the ground. She quickly righted herself and sat back at the table. A light shade of pink was developing along her muzzle as she stared down at her tray.
“Well Skies, are you going to tell us, or do I have to use a spoon next time?” Short Blade wiggled an eyebrow at the blushing mare; who then covered her face with her wings.
“no.” Was softly heard from under the feathers. “I bet that he used them for…mmhmmhm mhmmhm mhhm hmmmhmh.”
“One more time, I didn’t quite catch that.” Everypony, and myself leaned in closer to listen to the red pegasus.
“I said, I bet he used them for latching onto…a mate. During mating.” Fast Skies had now created a wall around herself using her wings.
It was deathly still for once at Saddle Company’s table. Then an explosion of laughter rang out across the entire mess hall 4 stallions and one human were shaking with fits of laughter. One blushing red mare was the center of attention.
Short Blade was the first to recover. “Okay, that’s enough guys. It was an honest mistake, we know literally nothing about humans. Thank you Skies for being a good sport.”
She waved a hoof at him, as her muzzle returned to its normal color. “Sorry Honored if that was a little embarrassing.”
I flashed a smile at her, and I made sure to show all of my teeth. “It’s alright Fast Skies. I’ve had worse happen.”
I really liked this company, I felt truly at home. Almost as if I had never left the military college in the first place.
"Alright, lets go do some drills. First up, the fun park." Dun Dun Duuuuuuuun
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All "FIRST"s have been denied. Please refrain from posting those comments in the future. Thank you. Assholes.
857302 *cries*
Hah Fast Skries is a naughty girl!
well they were both right I guess some humans are biters
857436
danclarkie.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/this-fucking-guy.jpg
857565 LMFAO
Gah, I somehow find all the good fanfics! I swear my browser might explode from so many I have booked marked. Oh well, I just love reading, allot apparently.
858155
that aint a bad thing. Read on my friend
betting......on teeth...at least its an original idea
I'm glad the ponies had a realistic reaction. Usually people make them freak out when they probably come across a few meat eaters every now and then. Also I've been waiting forever for someone to update and you answered my prayers. Thank you!
857302 but you just did it...
>Implying I don't use my canine teeth for latching onto a mate
"Alright, lets go do some drills. First up, the fun park." Dun Dun Duuuuuuuun!
... sounds fun!
prepare to be surprised.
(shakes head and laughs) damn fast skies! xDD you have one dirty mind lol :3 and its pretty awesome
dam i love it
Hilarious with the link, I can imagine pinkie having rainbow dash break the fourth wall and do that TOO MANY LOLS!
.
"Only in the ´fun way´"
3296401 You and me both! I've even got editing privileges so I can view chapters before they're posted!
I-I mean, so I can improve the quality of the story...
Depends, do you taste good?