• Published 2nd Dec 2015
  • 4,210 Views, 58 Comments

Explain, Soldier - wille179



Thanks to his sister, Shining Armor was running late. His drill sergeant asks him to explain why. This is Shining Armor's 100% truthful recounting of events.

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I had a little family issue...

Shining Armor scowled as he galloped down the Canterlot streets as fast as his legs could take him. It was the annoyed sort of scowl, the one an individual might form when they are forcefully prohibited from doing something that they desperately wanted to do by some other obligation. In this case, Shining Armor was running back to the Royal Guard Barracks, having been pulled away from his home and, more importantly, his little sister, by the late hour.

It was race day, meaning that his drill sergeant would be more than happy to give him a dozen extra laps for being late. And, to top it off, Shining Armor hadn’t been able to shower or groom himself that morning. Royal Guards, even low ranked grunts like him, were expected to be well groomed at all times, save obviously for during and immediately after.

His sister deciding to play “squid” with him last night was probably a bad idea; she’d stained him with more ink than a quick shower would ever clean out in a reasonable amount of time. Shining Armor sighed, knowing that the ink alone would get him extra laps as well.

Still, in order to preserve some sort of decency while out in public, he’d borrowed his father’s most fully-covering outfit. It was a little small on Shining Armor, being as muscular a stallion as he was, and it was still rather embarrassing, but at least it kept the ink from showing.

So, dashing along in his father’s clothes, Shining Armor burst into the barracks. His breath came heavily, still strained by the sore rib he’d gotten the other day from roughhousing too hard. Even as his lungs greedily took in the air with painful gasps, Shining Armor took stock of the main area of the building.

Empty.

Shining Armor cursed under his breath, ignoring how the potted plant nearby wilted slightly. Everypony was already outside, he knew, and that meant that he was officially tardy. And he’d had a perfect record this year, too.

Hanging his head in shame, Shining Armor trudged out to the training grounds out back, not even bothering to take his father’s clothes off. Spotting his commanding officer running the drills already, he slunk over to the unicorn as quietly as possible. Speaking softly, his voice barely over a whisper, Shining Armor said, “Private First Class, Shining Armor, reporting for training. Sir.”

Whatever it was about Shining Armor’s arrival, it caught the drill sergeant to jump in surprise, turn, gasp, and brandish his sword in his telekinetic grasp. “Cultist!”

Shining Armor blinked in surprise, having not expected the sword to the face. Then he blinked again, processing what his commander had just said.

Then he looked down at himself.

He looked back up, blushing with embarrassment (not that the sergeant could see it). In his haste, he’d forgotten that the clothes he’d borrowed from his father were his father’s ceremonial robes that he wore to prayer. Shining knew that his father would kill him - repeatedly - if he damaged the robes in any way.

He shook his head. “No, Sir, I borrowed them from my father so that I wouldn’t be indecent in public. I woke up late, and I hardly had time to shower.” With a quick motion, Shining Armor pushed back the hood of the robes and pulled off the mask.

The sergeant screamed in horror. It was a bloodcurdling scream, the kind a mortal throat can only make when its controlling mind was confronted with the horrors of the abyss.

The scream was loud enough to attract the attention of several of Shining Armor’s peers, who, upon seeing his exposed face, also shrieked in pure horror and revulsion.

“MAKE IT STOP!”

“THE HORROR!”

“IT BURNS!”

“The eyes... the eyes... the eyes....”

The sergeant, averting his own gaze, commanded, “Put that mask back on!”

Seemingly oblivious to the mild discomfort he was causing his peers, Shining Armor asked, “Sir? Isn’t face-concealing clothing against regulations?”

“Don’t care. PUT THE MASK ON!”

Shining Armor shrugged and lazily put the mask back on, carefully fitting it around his horn. Immediately, the screaming ponies fell silent, or nearly silent in the case of those whimpering in fear. “Sir, I know I have some ink on my face, but was it really that bad?”

“Ink? INK? What the buck is wrong with you, colt?! You have six, six, of the most Celestia accursed eyes I have ever seen!” the sergeant shouted. Shouting was about the only way he knew how to deal with things; a more sensible pony would have been whispering. “Six, in six they come. Fear, for they are the Hrm’ny Elm’n’ts.”

Shining Armor dutifully memorized the strange words that his sergeant unwillingly said without being consciously aware of it. His father would want to know, of course. Father always wanted to know those sorts of things. Then, pushing it aside for now, Shining Armor asked, “What’s wrong with having six eyes? Twah’lee thought I’d look good with them.”

For some reason, ponies always heard and spelled his sister’s name wrong. It was Twah’leghzt Sprr’k’lz, or Twah’lee for short, not “Twilight Sparkle” or “Twily.” That would just be silly.

As for the sergeant, try as he might, he couldn’t come up with any sort of valid retort to that statement, eventually settling on a simple “nothing” to end that particular part of the conversation. Hey, so long as Shining Armor kept that mask on-

“AHH!”

“THE HORROR!”

“MY EYES!”

“MAKE IT STOP!”

Ignoring the screams of those around him - his mother screamed like that all the time, clearly meaning that everything was fine - he finished shedding the rest of his father’s robe and folded it neatly. Then he gently set it aside for the time being.

Looking back up, he noticed that the rest of the soldiers were still screaming or crying or bleeding out of their eyes, ears, noses, mouths, and other spontaneously appearing orifices.

Shining Armor waited.

They kept screaming.

He waited some more.

They still kept screaming. One of them actually looked to be currently dead, Shining noted.

He waited some more. Growing bored, he sat down on the wilting, rapidly discoloring grass of the training field and adjusted his new tentacles to form a cushion for his head. If they were going to spend all day screaming, then obviously, he should try to get some more sleep. Twah’lee had kept him up all night with her chaotic antics.

As he was drifting off, a thought occurred to him. With a start, his blushing head jolted upwards. Embarrassed for his lack of tact, he disabled the “aura of madness” his little sister had given him the other day. It was a sweet gift, sure, but he realized that driving his peers insane might not have been the nicest of things to do. His father once told him that mortals apparently liked the whole “sanity” thing.

“Shining Armor?”

“Yes, sir?” The soldier replied, all twelve of his ears perking up.

“Are... are you going to kill me?”

Shining Armor cocked his head to the side. That was a rather odd question, no? It was a monday; everypony knew that you didn’t sacrifice a pony on a monday. Griffons, however...

“No, sir.”

“Am I going mad?”

“Not any more, sir. Sorry about that,” Shining Armor bashfully replied.

“Then, could you explain, soldier?”

A tentacle shyly rubbed the back of Shining Armor’s neck. “Certainly. That was a gift from my sister, sir.”

The sergeant looked like he was going to hurl. “And the tentacles? The extra body parts?”

Confused, Shining Armor asked, “Sir? I don’t understand what you mean.”

There was a subtle shift in the stallion’s tone; Shining assumed that his sergeant was already starting to suppress the memories, as mortals tended to do. “You can’t honestly expect me to believe that those are normal.”

“They aren’t?” Shining looked down at himself. Six legs, eight tentacles, five stingers, four abdominal mandibles, eighty five eyes.... yep, that was everything that should be there right now.

“Well, you did look like a normal stallion the last time I saw you...”

“Oh, that’s what you mean,” Shining Armor said, coming to a realization. Sparing only half a thought, he focused on the eldritch power coursing through his very being, a power greater than even Princess Celestia of the Sun. With a small pop and a soul-crushing blast of insanity, he returned to his “squishy pony” form, as Twah’lee called it. With only four white legs, two eyes, one mouth, one horn, and no tentacles, Shining Armor looked like a perfectly ordinary pony. “Better?”

“Much,” the sergeant replied. Then he blinked. “Hang on...” Rubbing his eye, the sergeant cleared away the drying tears of blood as he slowly became less and less aware of the fact that he had ever shed them. In fact, a lot seemed to be fading from his mind.

Then, as if noticing the time for the first time in a while, the sergeant bolted upright. “PRIVATE SHINING ARMOR, WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU LATE TO PHYSICAL TRAINING?”

“I was distracted by family issues, sir!” Shining Armor replied, saluting as he did. He wondered if the sergeant would ever comment on the nasty puce-colored ink on his face, but decided that as long as he was only stuck with a dozen extra laps for being late, then that wasn’t that big of a deal.

As soon as he was dismissed, he started galloping around the track. Truthfully, the exercise never really bothered him; how could it? He was an immortal being older than this entire universe, summoned to this world with his younger sister and bound to physical form by their “father,” Night Light, and his cult. Such things were trivial to the planet eater.

What wasn’t trivial was that running in this form always made his thoughts wander to that pink alicorn they’d tried to sacrifice to Twah’lee and him. For whatever reason, he hadn’t had it in him to devour her, and had instead taken to conversing with her. And, for likely the same reason, he found himself blushing and his heart - both physical and metaphysical - fluttering whenever he thought of her.

Shining Armor blushed. What an equine thing to do, he supposed, but not as equine as actually taking on a full mortal form, name, and personality just for her. He picked up the pace and ran just a little faster. Maybe there was something to this fleshy, three-dimensional world after all.

Author's Note:

Just a silly little story based on the idea of an innocent lovecraftian horror. Yes, I think Celestia knows that they exist. No, I don't think she can do anything about them. No, I don't plan on making any sort of sequel, especially not one featuring Pnk'P!h, Aplj'k'k'k, Dsh'Rayhn'Bu, R'rt'x, or Fltczhu'r'ch'hy.

Comments ( 58 )

The elements of harmony don't actually bond with the Eldrich six, but undo their disguises when the attempt is made, and literally scare Nightmare moon out of Luna via their presence.
Celestia wears blinkers when she arrives to pick up luna, so as to avoid gazing upon the others forms.

Cute, adorable, and quite amusing. Bravo!

Bravo, story was actually fun to read! Here, have a like.

Though I have a feeling a sequel might appear...:trollestia:

No, I don't plan on making any sort of sequel, especially not one featuring Pnk'P!h, Aplj'k'k'k, Dsh'Rayhn'Bu, R'rt'x, or Fltczhu'r'ch'hy.

Of course you do. You have to. We all knew it as soon as we saw the 'voweless' Elements of Harmony mentioned in the story. As soon as that appeared we knew you would(have to) do more about the Eldritch Six.:moustache: After all there is no way they would let you scorn them like that and live.

What? No story directly about Twah?

Heh gotta love the Cthtuluists (yes i got it wrong i know)

At first I was like :rainbowhuh:, then I was like :twilightoops:, then i was like :facehoof:. Good show sir, have a :moustache:.

Goddamn I love this eldritch Lovecraftian bullshit. Got a tattoo of it and everything

There is no reason this can't be canon.

A bit too random for my tastes, but I can see how it might appeal to others.

6691228
It was meant to be random, far more than most everything I write. I actually had the idea while I was in the shower, where I get all my oddest ideas.

6691267 Just because it was intended to be random doesn't mean that I should like it because of that. I in fact found it quite jarring, since from the description I had guessed that it would be a cute bit of Twilgiht nonsense.

I can die happily now.

6691349
Oh, no, the description was intentionally deceptive. For that, I had another bit of inspiration: Steven Universe.

In the episode "When it Rains," the description was that Steven helps a friend who is scared of thunder. Instead, we got an episode where yes, he does help his new friend, Peridot, but in thanks she gives him information on the cluster, a giant mutant incubating at the center of the Earth that will likely destroy the planet when it hatches. They also end up fighting off other mutants.

The description was correct, technically speaking, but grossly misdirected the audience without giving away the plot. I did the same thing here.

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/001/384/Atrapitis.gif

Ri2

The bit about Shining's 'mom' concerns me. What kind of horrible life must she have?

this is how i feel when i walkin on my roomate naked

Reading this while half asleep at 1am because reasons :trollestia:

I have a feeling Luna is going to help me tonight when I go to sleep :pinkiecrazy:

Good randomness, to many visuals :rainbowlaugh:

Well this went in a completely unexpected direction...

Well... I can honestly say I did not expect the Sparkles to be Chaos worshippers....:rainbowderp: I wonder what Shining and Cadance's baby would look like. :twilightoops:

I really like this idea of the Eldrich abominations being all nice and innocent like that.

Do you have any more ideas to write in this universe?

That was amazing. Bravo.

Well. That was a very well written ....whatever that was.

Carry on.

Pnk'P!h, Aplj'k'k'k, Dsh'Rayhn'Bu, R'rt'x, or Fltczhu'r'ch'hy

Cover your mouth! Jeez, now we're all going to catch it.

CCC

This was... not what I'd expected. But nonetheless an enjoyable read...

If you don't write the sequel then I will write a story BASED on this universe about the plights of being a poor Eldritch Horror from beyond the Cosmos in a world filled with lesser and weaker life forms! AND YOU WILL LOVE IT!

6745365
If you can write it well, I'll officially endorse it as a sequel.

6745536 I don't know if it should be comedy or just slice of life?

6745551
They aren't mutually exclusive, you know.

6745638
So why not both?

6745883 I don't want to seem TOO unoriginal and just go 'eh this guy did it. Might as well do it myself,' you know?

Okay, this story was completely random, even though it still had just a smidgen of an actual plot. But I completely got lost with Shining being an eldritch monster and all. Why and how and what? It was still kinda funny to read the pony's reactions though.

What the actual, literal, physical fuck was that?

This was hilarious! :pinkiehappy:

I suppose we have Cadance to thank for Twah'lee and Sh'n'N Am-re deciding not to eat the world. Or maybe that's why Celestia took Twah on as an apprentice. That's nice.
I would point out, though, that Celestia does have some recourse to getting rid of them. Anything that can be summoned into the world can be banished from it. They didn't travel here of their own accord; they can be sent back similarly. That's basic rules of summoning things.

6745365

Those cute little mortals are sweet and all, but they're so... squishy! Do you have any idea how hard it is to not accidentally destroy their sanity, or animate the corpses of their ancestors, or turn the air they breathe into blood? And they never even thank us for it. It's tough to live amongst 3-dimensional beings, I tell you.

6837571 Honestly it's weird holding a mortal form in general. I mean... you ever felt pain? It's weird. Plus I unfortunately was from a 5th Dimensional plane so.... yeah it's weird for a 3d world.

6837580 This "love" thing is pretty sweet, though.

Aplj'k'k'k

"Applejack! Take those clothes off, we've stopped persecuting the zebras for years!":twilightangry2:
"This, this is eeeem.... mah Nightmare Night costume, spooky ghost costume, eyup!"

orig14.deviantart.net/b274/f/2011/284/e/4/oh_applejack__don__t_lie_to_me_by_notanartisticpony-d4cifla.png

And this just makes me wish to see an entire world build around this seemingly simple subject.

Why.. why could I see an AU with this being True and Celestia and Luna been elder gods in disguise... oh god it explains why Flurry Heart is the bringer of doom the child of a motal alicorn and an abomination.. the Equestrian gods are old ones!

7099978 The hell does that make Discord then?

7386309
A being that just popped into existence when too many ponies saw the princesses undisguised?

7387893 Or maybe it's the literal world of Equestria trying to send out a white blood cell unit to stop them.

7387905 You say that like there is a difference

7388774 Equestria itself created Discord in my origin as opposed to just the ponies themselves.

7389022
But does reality even exist if there are no minds to perceive it?

7389811 Yes. Just not in the same sense we know it as.

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