• Member Since 4th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 2nd, 2014

sargecadet


Comments ( 21 )

Mmm, nice numbers. Looks like a solid bit of work. Bonus points for having Buffalo. Being a giant, gooey Braeburn/LSH fan, I love it when folk give her people some love.

It's a bit much to get through in a single sitting, especially at this hour. Mostly I'm curious: Are they... "friendly" with one another? And if so, how do they solve the interbreeding problem?

Hi there :twilightsmile:

Welcome to the FoE sidefic herd! :raritystarry:

There's a fairly regular gathering of other writers working on similar sidefics over at the compilation document. Drop by the chat if you have time :pinkiesmile:

whens the next chapter cant wait for the next :twilightsmile:

769605 eyup, just needs some final editing and then some postification. Probably tomorrow. Hopefully.

EDIT: I lied. uploading tonight

Fuck...... This story is fuckin AWESOME :yay:

777832 Really!? Thank you! I try my best :pinkiehappy:

i dunno. he what? just fuckin lose Scraper somewhere in desert? I understand you love to kill or torture ponies around him, but this is 'silver storm' grade of failing.

929294 Sorry. I'm just trying to establish the "life sucks" theme really heavily. The next two chapters should actually be a lot lighter if they go the way I'm planning. But yeah, I've actually already finished the Epilogue so that's my endpoint for suckiness. I'm not a big fan of easy happiness in fiction. Everything should be a frickin impossible battle in my opinion. Thank you for continuing to read!:pinkiehappy:

good chapter and sweet Brute is a male alicorn looking towards the next

Really not usual story. Keep up.

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Thanks y'all. I'm glad you guys like it. Also, I just realized that when I imported it from gdocs it didn't keep the strikethroughs that were actually important to the story. Fixed now. Check it out again if you want.

besides what we spoke about,

My name is Primepersephony and this is my favorite fic on the citadel

You know... When I srtat reading this story my first though was something like "Eww, what a blunt and cliche beginning!". And, you know what? My opinion on beginning is the same, BUT! Everything after killing whole outpost of Fire Hairs and cave full of timberwolves? Awesome. I may disagree with you on one point or another, but I definitely LIKE this story and vote as such. It's dark, it's good and full of... how should I say it... uncertainities? Yeah.

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Thanks for your feedback! And just so you know, yes, I despise the beginning also. If I ever get the chance (which will probably take a while) I plan to do a major overhaul of the first few chapters. Unfortunately, I have very little time to write these days, but chapter nine is in the works and I think that it will turn out pretty well.
Chapter 2 of my other fic, "Margarine" is currently being written as well, if your interested in that.

Please continue reading! :pinkiehappy:

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You don't even get the idea of how not-so-much I have time myself...-_- Work, DM'ing and lack of sleep take its toll, so I more than understand you)
1457 words is not so much, but I will wait)

Oh, and please continue writing)

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: So, you understand now, why 99,5465363% of writers do not do what you done here? :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Oh, my sides... I mean... You just absolutly destroyed empathy to Fall, after he lost blind mare, and colt. You killed so many potentially intresting characters in so forced and senseless way, it just... Holy Celestia's clit...
Only reason to read story after chapter 8 is hope what at least his tribe will be okay. Fall could blowing up on anti-tank mine for all I care. I am will not grow up on any other character, because you can just suddenly kill them. He finally came in BIG LANDS and what we see? Fucking war? Again? Senseless war again between NCR and some fuckers? Really? :facehoof:
What the fuck happened when you writing ch 4? You decided "it's too much like 'normal' FoE fic, I must make it unique?" I mean, until ch4 it was a good story. If Lily would be only one who has been killed, and then three of them killing slavers, and go base, then it would be awesome story twist. Fall's understood what he is too fuckin weak, conscience what he let Lily die, and all shit. That's would be good grimdark and intresting to read story. Makes you empathy to Fall, cuz he did everything he can, it just not enough. You had been angry on universe or something, when you write ch4? Killing all characters like that?
"Three become visible and attack them wildly. She was torn apart. I hate myself for not crying." - all you could say about death of one of good developed and loved character? Really? I do not know how to describe what I think about that.
Slaver boss butchering her subordinate right on fuckin market? Really? Well.. After that point it's becomes unable to take story seriously. At all. It's like "well I know author mad or something, but let's read it. It's unique way of story telling, maybe he will invent new genre or something :pinkiecrazy:"
One good thing in this story is... Male Alicorn, ofcourse. :rainbowlaugh: Big penis and all that.
You have done everything to kill the story. Loss of interest for the hero, a loss of interest to the other character's. Unreasonably large amount of violence, forced bad luck. Loss of interest in the story in general, from an unsuccessful rendition "after FoE Equestria" again looking far-fetched.
At the beginning of story you are proud of the protagonist, "He going on a dangerous journey to save his tribe," Yeah, fuck, that's exactly what readers are looking for, to admire the main character. Those stories where you do not admire the hero offer something else for Audience in return. What you offered? You should start story from ch4, when you saw real people reaction. Not offering 'normal' beginning, and then write something completely different. Ever heard about trusting between reader and writer?

I expected what you will not complete it. From ch4 it's all bring two emotions :ajbemused:, and :facehoof:. Mark it as canceled or something, maybe? Anyway it's your story, what you destroyed personally. I hope I will see more stories from you. :twilightsmile:

Shame you had to end it this way sarge. I was still very interested in helping you through rebuilding it all. But alas that regrettably wont happen. Well unless you want to. If you'd like to talk I'll be on skype :P

You know, canceling this fic makes me feel like I've lifted a huge weight off my chest. It sucked, big time.

Part of the problem, I think, was that I tried reading House of Leaves around the time I was writing chapter 4 which I think the general consensus is when it got stupid. That said, making the main character both an idiot and a bad narrator was a bad idea.

I hate Fall. I HATE him, so much. He is exactly what I didn't want my protagonist to be. He isn't believable as a person dealing with trauma and post-traumatic stress (and, eventually, drug addiction. And ghoulhood). Looking back, what had planned out would only have made the story stupider.

Lily was going to return and have a whole framed narration chapter from her perspective. Brute used to be One (related to Two and Three). Bloodfire is Broken Skull (or whatever it was I named the Legion's leader, I don't remember). That one blind mare shows up again and becomes Lily's love interest for some reason. Fall's eventual love interest is Cram, for no reason other than to cause angst when she dies. Fall would have been a pretty good MP with a cast of potentially interesting characters who would have (obviously) died gruesome deaths. I planned on Fall planting a bomb in the still-living body of some character and sending them... somewhere, I don't remember why. Both Ghost Lands tribes get massacred by what's left of the Enclave, FOR NO REASON! Fall ends up being the Legion's patsy all along for some elaborate plan I've completely forgotten. Solon drunkenly rapes (or maybe it wasn't rape? I can't remember) Fall's sister, for DRAMA!

Well, that's all I can remember as of now. As you can see, it would've been stupid and unreadable.

What good that has come out of this, however, is I know what not to do.

The two stories I'm working on now are better. I'm working on a (non-pony) novel and a new FO:E fic where I'm attempting to actually form meaningful relationships between the characters and have a compelling, engaging, and humorous plot. If HH was my response to House of Leaves, then my new story is a response to Catch-22, War, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, stuff HP Lovecraft wrote, and other intelligible books.

Hope to release it (or at least part of it) soon. :moustache:

That's all. Till later, adios.

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