• Member Since 13th Nov, 2015
  • offline last seen Monday

Kirbysnumber1


A new writer, just sharing the imaginative stories I think of.

E

The Mane 6 Decide to come to Earth in order to find someone to come to Equestria but with so many problems the humans seem to have they don't know which one to trust. So in order to find out who is too be trusted they set up different trials and the first human to complete the trials is too be trusted. PS This is my first story so Critique me as you please. PSS: From what I can tell I have horrible grammar so please correct me on that as well and I will fix it ASAP :pinkiehappy:

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 3 )

this is good so far keep on writing surely you will improve your confidence best wishes :pinkiesmile:

I have no idea how but I somehow missed seeing this was a human in Equestria story, which is crazy because it's in both your short and long descriptions :twilightoops: Totally my oversight there, I blame sleep deprivation. Anyway, even though that's not really my thing (not that it's a bad thing, you're free to write whatever you want of course) I figured since I read most of the chapter already by the time I realized I might as well finish and leave a comment, since you were asking for critiques :twilightsmile:

"Spike take a note" Twilight said

This is something people get wrong all the time, so no worries, but you need punctuation on sentences in a quote. The simple (albeit not 100% grammatically correct) thing to do is just use periods like any other sentece, so it would be "Spike take a note." Twilight said instead. This is easier to get the hang of and no one will complain if you do it this way. If you really want to be correct, you use a comma if you're following the quote with 'speaker said' so that sentence would be "Spike take a note," Twilight said

I wonder what she want’s?” Twilight said questioningly

When following a quote that has a question use 'asked' instead of 'said'
Separate point, but wants doesn't need the apostrophe.

Celestia said to the 6 mares

It's a bit weird to see numbers in the middle of text, in the future I'd recommend writing the number out as 'six' or whatever other numbers you're using.

"Ooh maybe they're weird monster's with tentacles or something or maybe they have 6 eyes and 14 wings but they don't use them to fly which only makes them weirder and-" AppleJack covered Pinkie's mouth with her hoof before she could continue with her crazy theories.
"Ah think we should let th' Princess tell us what th' creature's are like" AppleJack said as Pinkie was trying to speak through her hoof.

Good job on the characterization here :yay:

Celestia gave a smile to the purple unicorn "oh I think I know a way."

Start sentences in quotes with capitals, "Oh I think"

This chapter was made in second person to describe how the Trials came to be, in the other chapters I'll try my best to write them in first person.

Actually this is in third person. The only reason I bother to point this out is because a lot of people don't like first person stories (They can be done well, but they're really tricky). Generally I recommend writing in third person, but second person is also fairly popular for human in Equestria fics. Ultimately it's a matter of preference and it's entirely your call on what you want to do.
First person: Stories that are told by the main character. Example: As I walked into the room I flicked the light switch, but it didn't come on. "Huh, the power must be out," I said.
Second person: Stories where the reader is the main character. Only ever used in fanfiction. Example: After deducing the power was out you pulled out your cell phone and called the power company. "I'd like to know why my power is off."
Third person: Stories where every character is referred to by their name, she, him, title, whatever else, but not 'I' or 'you'. Example: John was irritated, as the receptionist put him on hold. "If I don't get in touch with some one soon my phone's gonna die and I won't be able to charge it," he said to no one in particular. "And I really have to stop talking to myself."

Applejack's name doesn't capitalize the j, but I can totes see why you'd think it does since most ponies names are two words.

In general just keep it up, I may not be into human in Equestria fics, but that's just my preference, lots of people are. I wish you the best of luck on your story :scootangel:

6690419 Thanks for all the help, I don't know how I messed those things up :twilightblush:

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