Hello Again

Starlight is staying with Twilight temporarily. Problem is, Starlight is struggling with her feelings about friendship. She doesn't want to be left alone again and it only served to feed her nightmare. Things become emotional when a certain old friend of hers shows up at the castles front doors.

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Comments ( 4 )

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RNBW

RNBW #1 · Nov 29th, 2015 · · 1 ·

“I’m so a better teacher than Celestia.”

Umm... Not really. Sunset is better teacher than Celestia and Twilight combined.

This story is rushed, but is still good.

Noble Savage

Noble Savage #2 · Nov 30th, 2015 · · ·

You could put more dialog with the talk between Luna and Starlight, having starlight explain a little more about Sunburst. Then with the interaction with Sunburst and Starlight was rushed you add some more info about Sunburst's struggles with his work, and what sources he used to try and find her. With the emotion with Starlight. You told us she was upset, but you need to show us that she's upset by using some more descriptive words how here mood is changing from Sad to mad. Overall I like this story . It does follow canon and it's a good lesson for starlight, making amends with the people she wronged (which was show in the show) and with those that wronged her (which you told in the story). I would like to see a sequel to his story. Nice job friend and have a nice day.

heirofaniu

heirofaniu #3 · Dec 4th, 2015 · 2 · ·

I like the concept, but the writing makes this impossible for me to finish.

The biggest problem with this story is that the writing is wooden and choppy, there is no flow to it and the constant short sentences make it jarring to read. This problem is even worse when it comes to the dialogue, contractions are acceptable when they are used in a character's speech. FFurthermore, many of your punctuations are off, either using the wrong punctuation mark in some instances or just leaving out punctuation altogether when you need some.

Finally, descriptions; there aren't any. Even with the choppy sentence structure this story still seems to move at a blinding pace, mainly because there isn't anything to give us any sort of context of time or scale. Currently you have "chess piece" characters, first they're here, then they're there, then some other stuff happens, knight to king 5, checkmate, done. There isn't any weight to the actions or emotions of the characters, and in a story that is driven by characters that is a very bad thing.

This story reads more like an outline, almost as if you took a story web and condensed it into paragraphs to get your thoughts straight. If you polished it up a bit, or ran it by an editor, you could have a really good story on your hands, because currently this looks almost like a first draft, rather than a finished product.

Creativa-Artly01