• Published 23rd Jun 2016
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Kung Fury in Equestria - Bad Dragon



Kung Fury gets zapped to Equestria, and one thing is for certain: This magical land of ponies is in need of some justice!

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Chapter 1: What Just Happened?

"Adolf Hitler, I Kung Fury with the aid of friends past and future, have beaten your unstoppable German Army and your second rate Führer-Fu. Will you be sensible and surrender to law now?"

"No, Kung Fury! While I admit that I do not yet have the awesome power of Kung Fury, I am bound for a glorious victory in the end! As the world's greatest military mind, I had a contingency plan in case you defeated me with your awesome Kung Fu!"

"I don't care what sleeve you have your Doomsday Device up, I shall still defeat you in any place or any time! With my allies, I shall hunt you down to the ends of the Earth!"

"It is surely nothing so plebian, you American simpleton! If I, Adolf Hitler, cannot rule this world yet, then I, Kung Führer, shall rule another one in another reality! A place where none of you could even hope to follow me. With the help of the modern technology, I can now travel beyond this dimension."

“Hackerman, can he really do that?”

“Possibly, yes. He stole my 16 bit computer system and integrated it with the iron eagle’s time hacking matrix. The calculating power he possesses now is immeasurable.”

“Drat.” Kung Fury said.

“You can’t win, Kung Fury!” Adolf Hitler cackled from his seat atop a giant golden Nazi eagle. “I have mastered the arts of time and space! Nothing can save you now! With a press of a button me and my precious”—he caressed the hard beast between his legs—”will be transported from here and now.” As he opened a hatch on the thick and sturdy shaft of the overgrown bird, a big red button rose up from it. Placing his hand above it threateningly, he surveyed the observers notoriously.

Kung Fury turned to Hackerman. “Will there be no way for us to follow him?”

“He stole my computer, I am powerless to do anything. I can’t even open a single window if there’s nothing there to process my command.”

Adolf was not contented by the lack of attention. “I’m pressing the button now.” He waved his hand above it.

Everyone looked at him with a gaze of contempt.

With a smirk, he slammed at the button as his eagle dived toward the cop as a bird of prey plunges toward—a prey.

The unstoppable police officer known only as Kung Fury did a back handspring out of the way, landing on both feet and one hand in a low stance. He leveled a burning glare at Kung Führer and said nothing.

“It’s working! Mark my words. It really is!” Adolf repeatedly pressed on the button. “It just needs some time to charge me and itself with über-chrono-energy to induce a time-space-shift. That’s all.” He kept flapping at it. “You’ll see!” He proceeded to slam the button with both hands. “Anytime now…”

“Kung Fury!” a familiar new voice shouted from the Miami city sidewalk. “Use this!”

Kung Fury turned toward the Dyno-sapiens voice, just in time to catch the bazooka that his partner, Triceracop, threw to him. He allowed himself a smirk as he locked and loaded it. With a slick move of a hand, he spun the massive weapon on his shoulder.

It wasn’t a moment too soon, as Hitler’s eagle reappeared from behind a fifty-story building, towing a fully-loaded train cart in its talons. Kung Fury knelt to the pavement, readying the weapon to fire. He unpinning the last safety lock and aimed carefully. “Fly on this, Icarus!”

The backblast of the rocket kicked up city debris all over the block in a cloud of dust, old newspapers, and flames as Kung Fury fired the bazooka at the eagle. The missile struck it right in the crotch.

“Perfect aim!” cheered Triceracop from the sidelines, raising his fists high up to the sky.

The bird emitted a metallic squawk of pain as it staggered in the air. Its claws spread out, letting go of the train cart.

Triceracops eyes widened as he watched the heavy load whooshing through the air. “Kung Fury! Look out!”

The eagle and its rider swerved to crash into a building while the train cart continued on its path, straight toward the lone cop. Kung Fury threw away the empty rocket launcher and dove in an attempt to escape to safety.

A blue flash of light blinded beholders of the monumental crash. The fallen object send a shockwave through the city, lifting up dust in its wake.

A thundering roar boomed, shattering windows, as the cart spilled ceramic piggy banks all over the street. Triceracop closed his eyes and turned away to shield himself from the flying debris. A massive dust cloud engulfed him. Particles made their way to his lungs, causing him to cough. Despite his deeply engraved phobia of massive objects crashing into Earth, he still managed to call out to his dear friend, “Kung Fury!”

Triceracop ran into the street, tearing through the shards of piggy banks, looking for his partner. As he came to the warped train cart, lying in a shallow crater of broken asphalt, he feared the worst had happened. There was no sign of Kung Fury.

“Katana!” Triceracop cried out. “Help!”

It was at that moment that the gun-toting Katana arrived astride her tyrannosaurus, late to the fight because of the constant traffic on South Dixie Highway. She jumped off her moving mount.

The dinosaur kept running, without losing momentum. He slammed his head against the train cart, sending it flying.

Katana surveyed the scene, as the dinosaur sniffed at the air. They both sensed something was wrong. Katana hopped down and joined Triceracop.Together they examined the crater.

The hole was completely void of life. A dead cockroach in the middle of it was an irrefutable proof of this narrated statement.

The rubble beside the crater moved. A sewer lid rolled to the side, revealing a hole in the street. Barbariana climbed out from it, dragging her minigun behind her. “I took a shortcut, but I didn’t expect it to be so slippery. What do you people put in your underground tunnels, anyway?

Dubious silence engulfed the team.

“Someone say something!” She ordered.

“He stole my computer,” yelped Hackerman as he crumpled on his knees. ”I can’t even chat anymore…”

“There, there” Barbariana patted him on the head.

He pressed his hands together. With teary eyes, he looked up to her. “It had 8 bits of static RAM!”

“What happened here?” Barbariana looked around. “Where’s Kung Fury?”

Katana fell to her knees in despair.

“Not much left of him,” lamented Tricericop, a single tear drifting from his eye.

A Dozen floors over their heads, Kung Führer swung precariously from a flagpole. “Did I win?” Both him and the ass of an eagle, sticking out of a skyscraper, were crackling with electricity. “This is going even better than I planned for. When I come back, I shall rule you all!” Hitler was enveloped in a large explosion of light. When the light pollution cleared, Hitler was gone.

"Oh no!" said Triceracop, "Hitler has escaped this dimension.”

"I don't sense his Nazi <bleep> in any of the nine realms," added Thor, who had just dropped in out of thin air. “Hackerman, can you track him?”

“My state of the art system had two memory slots that could be addressed in sequence, but inexorable Führer stole it from me!” He started shaking. “Hitler truly is the worst criminal of all time!”

“I guess that’s a no…” Triceracop turned to Thor “Will you be able to stop him if he comes back? Surely a god can do something, right?”

“No. Hardly anyone worships Thor anymore. My power is veining with each second I spend outside my time. You’re on your own on this one, but do not fret, my friends. When you all die, you shall surely hold a spot of honor among the steroid abusing warriors and chesty maidens of Valhalla!" With a strike of lightning, he vanished.

“If only Kung Fury was still with us,” Barbariana outcried.

They all sighed in defeat.

None of them knew that Kung Fury was still very much alive. This knowledge was hidden even to Kung Fury himself. He was, however, already contemplating this very possibility as he sat at Discord’s round, pink, table.

Author's Note:

Cosmic Cowboy
neorenamon
Bad Dragon

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