• Member Since 1st Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Yesterday

PastaSparq


Not an active account, only occasionally coming back to shill. Follow me at @PastaSparq on twitter or join my discord server - https://discord.gg/AAUpGRz

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His brother dead, monsters strewn dead across each floor, Sans has finally defeated Frisk, the 'Dirty Brother killer'. But as he stumbles away from the child's body, he dies out on the floor due to pure exhaustion. That was the end of the tale. Or.... Was it?

One day, when Sunset Shimmer is walking to school on a cold winter morning, she hears groaning in a nearby alleyway. When she looks in it, she sees a skeleton in a Jacket, sitting on a wall in the alleyway... Alive. Trying to save it, she takes it to her house to see what it is, and where it came from. But when these two beings meet, it sparks up something magical.... Or will something more dark come out of it?

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 149 )

I'm guessing that it "isn't related to mlp" because you didn't describe what the characters look like or anything like that. One of my two stories (the one which doesn't exist anymore) was denied because the admins said "If you changed the characters names to something different, than it wouldn't be thought of as mlp at all."

Think of it as though the reader has never seen mlp before ever, or something like that.

Or it could be that you haven't shown the characters off enough to make their personalities match, making them possibly almost completely different people.

Comment posted by mrkillwolf666 deleted Dec 4th, 2015

I'm interested to see where you go with this.

It doesn't need much editing, but there is one problem I noticed. If a quote is immediately followed by attribution, that attribution (unless it's a proper name) should be lowercase, and if the quote would end in a period, that period becomes a comma. (Other end punctuation doesn't change.)

Examples:
Wrong: "Words." She said.
Right: "Words," she said.
Also right: "Words!" she exclaimed.

Tracking now...

Damn, I wish I done something like this... Well to late

I never thought I would want to read something so badly. Please for the love of whatever deity you believe in, continue this story for I am really pumped!

The whole explanation gave me some feels for Sunset. And cupled with this song, really pushed my feels towards the edge.

Another thing is that you wrote Sans with all his abilities, especially where he tells Sunset her story of what was going to happen, Which makes Sans a much more caring person to be around, and you nailed that concept directly on the head. So keep it going, for Sans sake. And to see if I develop a crush on Sunset, which is pretty unlikely.

I've heard that the name of the annoying white dog is actually the creator of the game Toby Fox.

6691053
It doesn't actually have a name, just "annoying dog", but yes, it is representative of Toby.

6691272 It even makes more sense once you unlock toby's room in Snowdin. But I'm saying how to unlock it.

This is, and I'm sorry, but, this is horrible. This is in almost no way even a story, it just feels like you wanted to write something but didn't care if it was readable.

6691382
Thanks for the criticism that nobody asked for.

6691400 Says the guy who comments on a story, but doesn't have the balls to write one for himself.

6691536
Although I don't agree with the "your criticism is invalid since you haven't {insert word for creating a piece of work} {insert said piece of work}" argument, I do agree that The Fiction Fanatic's comments aren't exactly very helpful. At all. Stating that something is horrible and then not explaining why said thing is horrible or offering any advice on how to fix it is a jerk move.

6691668 I didn't say that his argument was invalid. What I mean by that is that writing a story can prove to be quite the challenge.

Realy nice story and very interesing. Hoping to see more! n.n And the name should be Toby

6691536 Yup! Well it's more the fact that writings not for me.

6691503 No problem!

6692192 I already said that name. But it's still a great name.

Dog's name should be Les.


6692192 My Ex had a black-lab named Toby.

6695387 Oh .... welp, I suggested the name Toby, because the name of the creator of Undertale is Toby "Radiation" Fox and his avatar is ... looking at Toby Fox twitter ... welp, his avatar was, the annoying dog. Even some fan, suggest that Toby Fox IS the dog or at least It is represented by it.

6695441 I agree, he does need more puns, although he knows almost every timeline when you lock eyes with him, he is also lazy, and lets not forget about the ketchup he keeps in his jacket. Which is why Sans is my favorite character cause he reminds me a lot of me. partly because I'm too lazy to write anything.

6692252
I really hope you knew that my gratitude was sarcastic.

Hey hey hey, don't beat yourself up bro. I'm supposed to be the one to have problems, anywho I was hoping that he'd fight them but eh. I better hope for that other timeline... Please get the reference thing.

Start brining in more bone puns and I'll be happy. All bone puns are quite HUMERUS! :rainbowlaugh:

You're not fucking up the story. It's your story and you can do what you want with it. Anyone who comes into the comments and says otherwise can suck it.

I'm enjoying it very much thank you.

As always, I will see all you dudes.... IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!

Been watching Jacksepticeye?

This chapter is really well written, it really expresses the emotions that the others characters posess, and i like that concept. So, in my opinion, this chapter along with the rest of the chapters, is really well written, which grants you my thumbs up.

It's not bad you know. I like it.

Ahh... More Undertale shit... This is what I live for!

How?" He simply asked. The flower cackled, and looked Sans in the eye. Small pellets surrounded him, as his sly smirk returned.

I disagree with this, Sans would be able to tell if the human (frisk?) was possesed by flowey or Asriel idk I need to play the game and get the lore again.

Sounds like the girls are about to have a bad time

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