Before a night of drinking... (Anon/Spitfire POV)
(Spitfire POV)
*Knock Knock Knock*
"Yeah?" I call out.
"It's me Spits, can I come in?" Fleetfoot's voice sounded from the other side.
"Oh, sure, come in." I say with an inviting tone.
As Fleetfoot walks in and closes the door, she notices me slouching in the seat of my room. The only reason I was like this is because my mind has been running everywhere with this 'Coltfriend' thing. I know it sounds stupid for a captain to feel alone but... When you rank above everyone else... It sorta feels like you haven't got anybody. Even Fleet feels more like a inferior, which hurts a lot, seeing as she is always there for me.
"Whats wrong Spits?" She asks, concerned.
"You already know whats wrong..." I say quietly.
She shakes her head. "Spitfire, look." Oh no, she used my real name, "If you want somepony that badly, after the show today, go out and find someone."
"I guess that COULD potentially work... but what if I get rejected?"
"Then move on!" She says, a commanding tone breaking the concerned one.
This makes me jump a bit. Fleetfoot almost never uses the commanding tone around me unless it's because we are training new recruits. But here she is, loud and proud, suggesting I go find my special somepony. But then again, she does have a point. Maybe it's time that I go out there and find the right pony for me.
"Yeah... Yeah! You're right! Tonight, I'm going to find me a stallion to call my own!" I cheer.
"There's the Spits I know and love! Now come on, we start the show soon." She says, walking out the door.
"Alright, one second." I call out.
I hop into my Wonderbolt outfit and run out the door, shutting it behind me.
(Anon POV)
We had finally arrived at the Cloudsdale station and had a hour to spare, so Dash decided to show me around the Pegasus built city. We went to the city hall first where the mayor jumped at the sight of me but ended up becoming my friend within a few seconds. Everyone around here seems so cool!
The next place we arrived at was the Cloudsdale stadium. She told me that this is where the Wonderbolts did their main shows due to the size. We went in and to no surprise, the inside was massive! As I walked around, I tested out the seats for other pony species or Pegasi who didn't want to fly. This time, there was an unpleasant surprise. When I sat down, the first thing I noticed was that they were as uncomfortable as the ones back home in a hockey arena. That really brings back... memories...
"Anon, you ok?" A hovering Rainbow Dash asks.
"Yeah... Totally fine Dash." I lie.
"Talk to me." She sees right through me.
"Alright, I'll explain..." I clear my throat, "Before I arrived here, I had a major breakup. Her name was Cindy. We had been going out for 3 years and things were getting pretty serious. I was actually going to propose to her too. I had set up a plan with the manager of a hockey arena for that night so I could be as romantic as possible. But the night when I was going to pop the question was the night it all went wrong. As the first intermission started, I went over to the managers office of the stadium and talked to him about the plan we placed. The screen was going to show us and have a heart around it as I proposed to her, which the manager agreed to quickly, being the hopeless romantic he was. As I left his office, Cindy was there. I asked her why she had followed me and she told me that she overheard my plan. She told me that she didn't love me enough to marry me and probably never would. Before I could say anything, she turned around and walked away. I broke down into tears and the sky decided to join me by bringing a terrible storm. I heard that she was killed that night in a freak car crash because she was texting to her friend that 'She made a mistake in saying no'. I never got to say goodbye... and I was more hurt than if I had said it in the first place."
After I finished, there was a dead silence flowing through the air. I looked over at dash who was in utter shock. I tilted my head and she charged right at me, wrapping me in a hug and breaking down into tears. I stroked her mane to calm her down but that only made things worse. I pulled her off me to look her dead in the eyes. I nodded and signaled that it was ok. She understood and I pulled her back into the hug. After she had stopped crying, she sat down beside me.
"Wow... I never knew that you were brought here on the worst night of your life... Is that why you haven't tried romance here yet?"
"Yea... I don't want to be hurt again." I say, head down.
Dash lays a hoof on my shoulder. "Lets get out of here. We can come back when the show starts, ok?"
I nod my head and we leave the stadium.
(Anon POV cont.)
As we walked more around Cloudsdale, my mind drifted off from the memories and my content mood returned to me. The next stop was a bar that Dash said we would be drinking at that night. We went inside and looked around. It had a rustic feel to it. It felt like one of those cozy speakeasy's you would see in movies. There was a long counter curving against the back wall. At the end of the counter was a small red sofa with a private table to the left of it. The chairs at the table were labeled 'Spitfire' and 'Fleetfoot'. I was curious as to who these two were but shrugged off the thought. As I walked over to the counter, I noticed a stallion with a golden yellow coat. He saw me and waved me over.
"Hello there! you must be the human from Ponyville, am I right?" He says in a English accent.
"That would be me. Name's Anon, whats yours?" I reach my hand out to shake his hoof.
Carefully inspecting my hand, he eventually realizes what I'm trying to do and placed a hoof in my palm. I grasped it and he spoke up.
"The name's Grape Vine. I am one of the best barkeeps in Equestria."
"Pleasure to meet you. Me and my friend, Rainbow dash, would like to come here after the Wonderbolt show. Would you be able to save a table for us?" I asked.
"No need. Not a lot of people come here after a Wonderbolt show. They go to the big pubs and bars to quench their thirsts. We serve fine alcohol here." He says, cleaning a glass while he talked.
"Oh, I see. So we can come back here later today and it will be remotely empty?" I ask, tilted my head.
"Very empty. Will I be SEEING you tonight?" he leans over to me.
"Yes, I think so!" I say cheerfully, "Anyways, we have go to get to the show. I'll see you later today."
As he waved me and Dash off, I noticed something strange on the door. It looked like a poster for the upcoming show today. On the poster was a Mare with a fiery orange mane and shiny yellow coat. She donned a blue uniformed with lightning bolts at the hooves. Her name was Spitfire and when I checked the list that was on the back, my question from before was answered.
"Hey Dash!" I call, "Is the Wonderbolt's leader named Spitfire?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
I shrug. "Lucky guess?"
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There are two issues I have with this chapter:
1) The idea of Spitfire seeing Fleetfoot as an inferior feels off, particularly considering that she admits that Fleet has her back.
2) Dramatic backstories are good. Laying out the whole backstory in a single, giant, paragraph is not so good. You could have kept us, the readers, guessing about it for awhile. When Dash sees Anon down, Anon could have rebuffed her, keeping the emotions inside. This would lead the ever-loyal Dash to worry, but not enough to pry. This could be strung along for chapters, Anon letting little things out as things or situations remind him of his past. In the end, it is Spitfire (once they're at a comfortable point in their relationship) who he finally gives the whole story to. She could be his rock, so to speak, complete with the sorta-cliche "I will never hurt you" line.
Of course, that's just how I would have approached it. Now I'm curious to see the first Anon-Spitfire interaction.
6681455 The first point I understand. The second point is I want to have Anon have flashbacks through the story of his time with Cindy
6680867 Oh god damnit not her to!
This story is rushed. You can tell by just reading it. Stuff just happens to fast without any kind of pace or development. A rushed story is never good because it comes of as awkward to the reader.
6683134 I don't like starting comment wars. So instead I will take this information and learn from it to improve my later work.
Thank you!
6683223 Sorry if i offended you or anything. I was just trying to provide criticism, trying to point out flaws so that the owner of this fic could (if he wants to) use them to improve his writing in the later chapters to come.
Wait...is this really you Bottom mash? I though your mother told you no Computer for one month. :P
6683364 I'm not button anymore. I am,,,
The Stache!
6683364 I HIT THE DELETE BUTTON ON YOUR LAST COMMENT INSTEAD OF REPLY!
Why must the buttons be so close together -_-
6684871 Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Im going to tell sweetie belle.
6684993 ... Welp, I'm done for.
*Jumps out window*
*from below* WHY CAN I NEVER GET THIS RIGHT?! Oh hello there!
Anon: "Button... GET OFF ME!!!"
6685011 *Appears right next to Bottom and Anon in a suit and cane and hit both of you on the head with it.
I say, such in-mature behaviors are completely unacceptable. What would miss Sweetie think of you if she ever sees you like this? In fact here she comes. *i stated in a British accent.
6685053
6685011 *in a Morgan freeman voice* And that was the day a new friendship bloomed
6690648 ROLE THE CREDITS!!! *Ending credit song "My little pony...
*Bronies all over the world watching this episode are watching the end credits with wide eyes and slack jaws.
*One of the calls out. "Best episode EVER!!!" *instant fan art and fan fiction writing.
Interesting story since there hasn't been a lot of Human x Spitfire like I only read about a few of them stories. I would like to see more than five chapters maybe some of them 2000 or more words. Anyways keep it up with more chapters and more characters.
This is pretty good but
Its actually considered to be second person and there is a tag for that that you should add,
Update soon plz
This chapter felt short, could you try to write around 2000 - 2500 words? If I´m in the mood to read, 1000 - 2000 are not enough for me, and if I´m not exactly in the mood everything above 3000 is to much, so I ask for 2000 - 2500 words? Or just a chapter once in a while.
I have many chapters that I keep track of, but I get hardly an update, at least not enough for my reading habits.
It´s a nice chapter, and like I already said, this time I would actually like it if Spitfire would trying to find a special someone.
Not sure if I really want that, but if Spitfire and Fleetfoot are actually living together as roommates, than I would like it if Nobody "the Human", and Spitfire would end up in her bed totally drunk only sleeping, with no memories about the Night, they could wake up and well...
I think I could like that kind of comedy part in this story.
6841493
... I see your comment...
...and your idea...
...AND I LIKE IT!
"I think I can fap to this" -Albert Einstein
Wut.
Wait... he wasn't joking?