After the murder of Rainbow Dash, her ghost feels as though she has not finished her business in the normal world. She seeks revenge on her so called friend Pinkie Pie, and to get her found out before more ponies are hurt.
BTW!
Art cover used from DeviantART user: aisu-isme. Credit to her! You should check out her gallery too.
P.S.
This has been edited with some new ideas.
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Well I can't say its THAT original, but it still looks interesting....going to RIL and give it a thumbs up for now.
I'm going to be completely honest here. My expectations for this story were absolutely nil, and that was due to my own bias against its source material. However, I'm pleased to say that this was interesting, even a bit original.
This would benefit a lot if you were to slow the pace down and look more into Rainbow's psyche. Explain her feelings regarding the manner in a way that can make the audience sympathize with her, and not just indifference towards her predicament.
763237 ok, thanks for your advice!
I have to say, this might be my best story, 4 likes, and 0 dislikes! usually, I have 4 or 5 likes and the same amount of dislikes. Thanks!
I liked it! A lot! Srsly!
Thumbs up for ya!
So this is a squeal to Cupcakes ? Right?
Ooooohhh my stomach hurts now..
:763435Yes or as one of pinkaminas friend and I quote"wi ,zat iz correct madme."
763435 yes, this is a cupcakes sequel.
763387 Thank you so MUCH, I'm glad you enjoyed!
Why the Buck are her friends saying goodbye? They should be celebrating that Pinkie is going to Hay... also, her death should have been WAYYYYY more painful, and slower.
Are you kidding? You should never forgive her.
Their reactions:
What they should have been:
I liek dis story tho
Oh Gods... don't tell me you got Creepy Ponies cover art... *shudders* Though I like her style of drawing, and those pictures, they gave me a weird nightmare once.
But good start to a story. Keep it up!
Great idea, but it feels like you were sprinting to the end.
A wise member once said "show, don't tell".
Well done, positive voted.
763669
1. Pinkie admitted she wasn't in the right state of mind when she did it, though that doesn't come close to excusing what she did.
2. Pinkie was still their friend and I certainly would feel bad if one of my friends had to be executed for something like this.
3. Painless execution is an act of mercy. The whole point of the story is Dash making sure Pinkie couldn't do what happened to her and I take it to include Pinkie herself. Nobody deserves to be tortured to death, murderers included. We may say that they do, but I'm sure we don't mean it.
All in all, a pretty nice story, grammar errors notwithstanding.
763840 thank you for a thumbs up
763908 You make a VERY good point
Pinkie's friends wouldn't hate Pinkie for what she'd done- of course they'd be disgusted and angry, but they wouldn't hate Pinkie. In fact, they'd do whatever they could to help Pinkie overcome her mental sickness and to keep her from the death sentence.
Then again, since Equestria is basically a land of sunshine and rainbows, I guess they wouldn't have much experience with mental sickness.
While it wasn't perfect by any means, and it was somewhat rushed, I can't honestly call this bad, because it isn't, sure it has a few mistakes, but overall it works.
The attempt to end 'Cupcakes' with a less dark conclusion is appreciated, and while i thought it could have used some extra time to flesh out some of the ideas and draw out some of the scenes for better effect, I think the short length compliments it, in the end, not many people like to remember 'Cupcakes'
, and a shorter time reminding us of it, while at the same time providing some closure, is good.
While I can't warrant faving this I will definitely at least 'like' this, it deserves a read if you've seen the fic this was based off, and you did well on it.
kudos!
763974 Thanks! I actually wrote a cupcakes sequel, but it didn't turn out very good... So I deleted that one and wrote this one a while after. glad you liked it!
763994
Good to see you're not afraid to recognise your own mistakes and able to improve, the ability to criticise yourself, along with accepting criticism, is invaluable in any creative pursuit, keep that up and you'll only continue to improve!
764023
yeah, I think the reason people didn't like the last one, WAY too rushed, more grammatical errors, and didn't really make sense. This one took more than an hour. I worked on this for almost a whole month, planning EVERYTHING.
While this story certainly isn't bad, it has its flaws. It definitely feels rushed and I think that there is some wasted potential here. I think what this story needs is a little more conflict. This conflict could be generated by lengthening the time it takes Dash to figure out how to bring Pinkie to justice. You could buffer this time by having Dash harass Pinkie (i.e. during a moment when Pinkie was distracted by something, have Dash suddenly manifest behind her and whisper murderer in her ear). You could also throw in some more verbal conflict (i.e. Dash gets called Dashie by Pinkie Pie and Dash snaps at her "You don't get to call me that anymore, only my Friends get to call me that!"), Another method would be to take a page from the movie Ghost(1990) and have Dash be forced to learn how to use her ghostly powers (telekinesis, phasing, ect.).
The story's resolution is also a little anticlimactic. Pinkie's execution is rather tragic, but the events leading up to it fall rather flat. You can fix this by giving it a proper climax by either building up to Dash possessing Pinkie (i.e. Pinkie kidnaps another member of the mane cast and Dash tries to stop her, the fight ending with Dash possessing her), or by turning the possession into the climax itself (turn the act of possessing Pinkie into a battle in the center of the mind with her).
tl;dr This story holds a lot of potential, and with the proper tweaking could be fashioned into a good supernatural psychological thriller with the ghost monster as the hero. A solid C+ from me.
I just finished reading this, and to be honest, I would give this story a 6/10 since there were some capitalization errors and it was a bit short, but overall it was a good read.
Pinkie Pie finally got what she deserved! But it was sad for Pinkie Pie to go, too!
765191 Okay, thanks for the advice! I'm going to fix this up right now.
i almost cryed!!!!!!!!!!
this was to sad!!!!!!!
PINKIE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was my favorite...
goodbye pinkie... goodbye.
767273 That was my point
YOUR CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
767293 I know I am, but what are you?
767298
awesome
Well, I wish this story was longer, but it was still good.
The edit makes it a lot better, but I still feel that the climax is a little bit of a let down. I mean that Rainbow dash possesses her and that's it, problem solved. Still, you improved it quite a bit and I feel that it's ready for an up-vote now.
769417 Thanks!
I'll can make more edits soon, most likely tomorrow.
Don't misunderstand me, I really like the story.
BUT, In myopinion it's a little bit awkward that Pinkie knows about everything with the voices in her head.
Otherwise, great work.
769559 If you make more edits, I only would suggest to you to describe things more often.
One point that really kind of disappointed me in your story was the whole Pinkie kidnapping Twilight thing. It's way to rushed and (in my opinion) should get a better description.
But like I said before, the plot is good. Also this is only my opinion. I can understand if people don't want this described.
Also this story shows something really important.
The plot is what matters. Even though this could be improved (much! Sorry for stating this so rude.) many people (me included) do like the story.
My stories never are rated, no matter how much work I put into them.
Maybe my plot isn't good enough?
Anyways, I hope to see more of your work in future.
821329 thanks! If I have time tommorow I'll make edits
821329 thanks! If I have time tommorow I'll make edits>>821460 and also, you were not rude AT ALL. I had SO many dislikes, and rude comments with swears on my first cupcakes story. I was actually pretty surprised people liked this.
821538 well, I'm glad you see it like this. (Was kind of worried because of bad experience)
About the surprisation (Typical me. I don't find a word I'll just make another one up. Out of in my stories of course.) I hated the first story I wrote. But some people don't mind my opinion of hating it and are trolling me with thumbing it up or giving it favs. I don't get it
. (I made up it's story in three minutes, second chapter fully without the enter key, gramatical and general writing errors....)
.
.
But it really surprised me.
Well like I said, your good plot is what is making this whole storie up.
I sure hope the best for you. Maybe somewhen I'll look back to this time and then I can say: I gave him advice
And then I surely collaps to the ground into my new coffin
Why is the twilight sheepish emoticon looking exactly like the twilight blush emoticon on my computer today?
825154 thank you! and I think I'll give you some advice on your stories (once I read them
) oh and by the way, I'm a she, not a he.
825378 well I'm sorry for that one. Could have guessed your female. Even though I don't know much female members on fimfiction.
To the thingie with my stories, I always appreciate critic.
But since I wrote much about my first story as example, I want to make sure your not doing this because of my posts.Because this would make me all
I don't think I will give you more comments under this storie, because I said everything I had to say.
If you update this storie and want some review on how you did it feel free to send me a pm.
If you decide to look at my stories, I'll see you later anyways.
bye
Sorrow / Rainy Clouds
Very dark and very good.
if i may ask, i would like you to join ma group and add this story. 
I warn you, ma group might not be into grimdark stories bit im asking so who cares
keep writin' and readin'
922469 thanks! I just don't want ANY mean comments and dislikes if i put this in ur group, otherwise i get mad!
whats ur groups name?
923257 its called unicorns rule!!!!(and pegasus). You might get some dislikes but thats nothing you should worry about
. All dislikes are are ways to help you become a better writer.
dont freet nun school marm/ colt.
923477 well, this isn't really gridmark.....I'll check it out and make my decision when i see it
926643 cool
I love it
2030138 Thank you
and thanks for faveing it
WOW this is very good im gonna give a fave and this is me:
Pretty good!
I must say though, it did feel kinda rushed. 
It's a good concept though! 
Though they put Pinkie to death? 
I dont know, that doesnt seem like the Princess I know. 
But overall it was a pretty good read! 
definitely enjoyed it! 