• Published 22nd Nov 2015
  • 2,682 Views, 48 Comments

Cutie Mark Crusader Hookers??? - CassandraMyOCisBestpony



One morning, Sweetie Belle and her friends decide to be hookers.

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22
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 2,682

Chapter 1

The rays of sunlight filtered in through the blinds, awakening Rarity from her slumber. "Good morning Opal" she trilled, giving her cat a quick tousle behind the ears, the animal grunting in acknoledgement. "I wonder if Sweetie Belle is up yet." she wondered. She went to knock on her little sister's door, when she noticed a note had been tacked onto it.

Dear Rarity,
Sorry for leaving without telling you, but we needed to get up early for our crusading. Me, and Scootaloo, and Applebloom, are going to be hookers today.

I'll be back in time for dinner.

-Sweetie

Rarity gasped, "WHAAAAAAATTTT???" She flew her fainting couch up the stairs, dropping it behind herself just in time to break her fall. "My precious sister is going to be deflowered by some nasty perverted stallion!" she sobbed, "what ever am I to do-o-o-ooooo?" She dried her eyes and steeled herself, "No, Rarity, this is no time for crying. you must go find your sister and save her innocence. And if a stallion needs to have his insides turned out, then you must be prepared to oblige! Now if only I knew where they were soliciting." She resolved to go to Sweet Apple Acres, maybe Applejack would know


"Well hodwy there Rarity, fancy seein' you at the rooster hour. Didn't take ya fer much of an early bird."

"Applejack, do you have any idea what your sister and my sister are up to???"

"Why of course ah do, Rarity, why, don't you?"

"Not until this morning when Sweetie Belle left me a note informing me of her intentions."

Applejack chuckled "Heh, she musta known y'all wouldn't approve o'her gettin' a cutie mark in somethin' so dirty."

Rarity couldn't believe what she was hearing, "And you do???"

"Rarity, me an' Bic Mac have been doin' this since ah was Applebloom's age."

Rarity stammered for a moment, unable to process what she was hearing. She gave her head a shake and replied "Well if you aren't going to put a stop to this, then I guess it's all up to me."

"Guess so."


With no clue where her sister could be, Rarity decided to make haste for the police station. Perhaps Sweetie and her friends had been brought in already, and just needed an adult to give them bail money and a good talking-to.

"Heya Rarity, you training for a race or something?" Rarity looked up and saw Rainbow Dash effortlessly keeping pace with her.

"Rainbow, you're close with Scootaloo, please tell me you know where she and my sister are?"

"Of course I do."

"And you just let them???"

Rainbow rolled her eyes, "see this is why I told Sweetie not to tell you. I knew you'd be a worry wart."

"Well excuse me for thinking that a big sister should keep her little sister from doing something she'll regret."

"Relax Rarity, I gave 'em a few pointers so they'd know what they were getting into. I told them everypony gets uncomfortable their first time; heck I almost threw up."

Rarity covered her ears, "please stop, Rainbow Dash"

"Somepony had to tell them about the side-to-side movement, and show them how to work the rod...WAUGH!" Rainbow cried out as Rarity's magic snatched her out of the sky and slammed her into the ground. Rarity crouched down so she was eye-to-eye with the prone pegasus on the ground

"I've had just about enough of your crude language and enabling behaviour. I'm going to ask you once. Where. Are. They?

"Uhhh my head." groaned Rainbow, but she regained her focus after seeing Rarity's death glare. "Isn't it obvious? They went to the docks to find some sailors." She squinted her eyes shut, ready for Rarity to shout or strike her again, but the flummoxed unicorn had already galloped off, kicking up a cloud of dust.


At the docks, Rarity saw Fluttershy, feeding a breadcrumbs to a few seagulls. Rarity sprinted over to her, scaring the seagulls away.

"Fluttershy, you've got help, it's an emergency!"

"Oh my, what's the matter?"

"Have you seen my sister and her friends? Please tell me you have!!!"

"I saw them a little while ago, but don't worry, I told them to use protection. It's lucky I had some spare rubbers on hand." She pointed to a pier in the distance, "They're over there, I think they were looking for some John" Rarity's pupils shrunk to pinpricks, and her left eye twitched. Applejack and Rainbow Dash, she could believe that those two forgot how to be civil, but Fluttershy too...

"Has this whole town lost all meaning of decency?!?!?"


It was just as she feared. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were on the dock, talking to a stallion dressed in a striped shirt and cargo pants. "STOP RIGHT THERE!" cried Rarity, using her magic to throw a nearby cargo net at the stallion, knocking him to the ground and entangling him.

"Galloping gallies, mare, what be yer quarrel with me???" he exclaimed as he futilely tried to free himself.

"I don't care if the standards of prudishness have progressed overnight, I refuse sit idly by and let you fillies become tramps, harlots, floozies, HOOKERS!" she snarled. She was breathing heavily, stopping to catch her breath for the first time since she'd woken up.

"Why?" asked Sweetie Belle, "what's wrong with hooking a few fish?"

"Fish," repeated Rarity. She raised a hoof, and then froze, like a sewing machine with a ribbon caught between the gears. "huh. Ha ha hahahahahaha!" she started laughing maniacally. "you were going fishing! And this whole time I thought...oh dear oh oh my oh dear." She wiped the tears from her eyes. It was only then she noticed that the three fillies were wearing raincoats stitched with pink butterflies, "Fluttershy's 'rubbers," she said. She glanced at the entangled stallion, "And I suppose this 'John' here is..."

"Long John Silver, at yer service. I be one of yer father's friends from vocational school. He dropped me a line sayin' his daughter an' her mates wanted ta go fishin' in the deep blue sea. I woulda dropped the anchor on our voyage, had I known ye were on choppy waters about it." Sweetie looked at Rarity with big sad eyes and curled lips

"Please Rarity? I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. Please please please don't make me stay home!"

"No no, please, enjoy your fishing trip" said Rarity, using her magic to free him from the net. "Just from now on, Sweetie, tell me in advance where you're going, ok?"

"You got it Rarity. Tomorrow night, is it ok if we try being mares of the evening?" Rarity replied by swooning and fainting on the spot. The Crusaders looked at each other bewildered.

"Well, so much for our plans to be Batmare."

Author's Note:

Inspired by the weird word using Featherweight, who was definitely trying to fuck with Pinkie Pie.

Comments ( 48 )
Arcelia #1 · Nov 22nd, 2015 · · 24 ·

Only something as outrageous and ridiculous as this could have written by none other than you Cassandra. Thank you, for my opening my eyes to how low a level Fimficion can sink to in terms of what quality they're willing to accept.

Not only this is this fic lazy, but its a waste of potential and talent. I honestly thought people weren't this desperate. Whatever the reason for this story existing, I would like to inform you that I'm appalled that anyone could fall to such desperate measures. Why not try writing stories that actually well..tell a meaningful and heartfelt story?

There's nothing wrong with writing about the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but make them do more interesting and appropriate things. They could try out for the Royal Guard. Heck why not create such a thing where the Royal Guard recruit young fillies and foals into a training program that tests their abilities?

You have a 120 followers, so your work must'n be that bad. Unless of course, this is the level of work you put out and the standard you have set for yourself. I have read one of your other fics, but I'm pretty sure that was a trollfic. Look, from a fellow writer I understand what it must feel like to hit a wall and feel like all you can write is garbage. But writing garbage is fine, but posting it online isn't. Well, I can't stop you necessarily but I don't recommend it.

I mean, surely you can do better than writing a string of one-shots that have outrages titles and synopsis. Really though, if all you write is an eye-catching title and a clumsy set-up than your story doesn't have one leg to stand on.

Just a piece of advice. Anyway, I hope you realise the grave mistake you've made in throwing away a story like you've done.

- A

6657760 Just so you know, Fimfiction does not accept or reject stories based on quality, but, based on if the story follows the rules or not.

6657760 I did say that I wrote it in its entirety between the hours of 1 and 3 AM, long after I should have gone to bed. I felt like I usually fret too much over quality, and it takes me forever to just churn out the requisite thousand, so this time I changed things up a bit. In hindsight yeah, the only salvation would have been to go even further away from sanity

Saw the ending coming, was still amusing.

6657760 The fact that your comment is like a third of the length of the story shows that you're way too mad.

... But I do agree. This story had a lot of wasted potential, and the plot was very easy to guess with the minimal set-up. I get that writing is hard, I do, but you've just gotta push through the tough moments if you don't want your story to suffer, Cassandra. Heck, I've taken multiple-month long hiatuses before just to be sure the quality of the story didn't drop.

For something written in two hours while you were tired though, it could be a lot worse. But it could also be a lot better. I'd say it's just an average story as far as this site goes.

6658295 You say nothing about aging the CMC up so isn't this all child prostitution and statutory rape? Consent does not matter in the either case. Only the age matters.

6658535 Well I suppose I should be grateful that they weren't applying for spots on the Ponyville Rugby team.

I was expecting something like a spelling error or bad hornwriting, e.g. "cookers". Calling fishing "hooking" did cross my mind, but I considered the pun too stretched. Still, +1.

Lol, this was funny! :heart:

This is the biggest pile of hilarious innuendos I've seen since the last time I was in a mood to fuck with people. Kudos.

but the catatonic unicorn had already galloped off

"Catatonic" means "not responsive and/or voluntarily moving." Try "shell-shocked" instead, maybe.

6659067 Good call; I went with "flummoxed" ultimately.

Here's a joke... what did Rarity do when Opal was thirsty? She gave her cat a tonic.

6659175
Flummoxed is ok, although it has more connotations of confusion and incomprehension, I think. Makes the scene have a slightly different tone.

I half want to laugh and half kick you in the shin for that one. :derpytongue2:

Comment posted by SCP049 deleted Nov 23rd, 2015

6659457 I didn't fail to make the Popular Stories list

... Pppppssshhh!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Why are people downvoting this, is was simple, but funny, were you all expecting moby dick?

6659852
Truth. This is a nice little comedy story that doesn't really go much of anywhere, but certainly tells its joke well enough and in a tasteful fashion. The writing is a little bit rough in places, but not a 1:3 downvote ratio rough. People are probably just being prissy about the "hooker" joke. As if this place doesn't regularly get the most revolting kinds of fetish porn put in the featured box. [insert eye-roll here]

6659457 How exactly did the writer fail?
This was hilarious.

Although, I personally thought that the "twist" was going to be that the CMC were playing hooky from school, and Sweetie thought that hooker was the term for someone who did that, but this is just as funny.

Least they didn't say spending the night with Spike.

I lol'd. :rainbowlaugh:

Well done. I could read you writing Rarity freaking out all day. :raritywink:

6657760

Who are you again?

6661182 Don't attack him; people are free to give whatever advice and criticism they want to anybody.

6661221
First of all, I'm a her. But its not the first time someone has assumed otherwised. My comment wasn't intended to attack the author directly or offend anyone. If you like I can remove the comment, but only if it is requested by the author. I was only trying to voice my opinion and perhaps give a few pointers on how the story could be improved.

I will admit however, that I may have been a bit harsh but that's nothing intended as a way of insulting anyone. I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason for why the story is written in such a way as to bemuse the reader and in the words of many 'troll' them.

Please take into consideration what I've said and I look forward to hearing your response.

- A

6661271 Don't remove it, it's valid. I just don't see how this story or premise could have potential, unless I were to make it dark instead of lighthearted and give Rarity the kind of reaction she'd actually have if she believed her underage sister was prostituting herself. I also felt like I couldn't give any more clues without making it too obvious.

This was totally a Trollfic. And I loved every second of it. I knew as soon as I saw it that it would troll me since it was rated teen. This was hilarious!

I thought she was going to find them playing rugby, until she headed to the docks. Kind of obvious she'd got the wrong end of the stick, but it was a fun ride to get there.

When Applejack was acting relaxed, I knew something was up.
When Rainbow was talking about rods, I realized where it was going.
When she mentioned sailors, I knew it was going to be about fishing (hooks).
When Flutters spoke of rubbers, I was flummoxed for a moment.
And when it was all revealed, I snickered.

Well done, my dear, my pal. Well. Done.
5/5.

6661271

When voicing your opinion or criticism, think about the tone of the post you're making. Look at it from someone else's perspective before your own. That came across as INCREDIBLY offensive - even this post I'm replying to starts off very stand-offish. Since that doesn't appear to be how you meant it, I won't bust your chops for being one of "those" assholes, because you've simply made a mistake and that's okay by me.

But tone is something a good number of people have trouble with when posting. I could probably give a seminar by this point, but my best advice is simply to think about how it'd sound if you were saying it out loud, sometimes the tone comes to you that way. If it seems like something someone would use to get under your skin, then chances are people are not going to like or respect what you have to say, as it seems like you're making an attack-post. Which is a safe assumption on Fimfic as this happens a LOT. You're more likely to catch someone trolling or being a douche that deserves the verbal spanking rather than someone who just didn't realize what they sounded like before hitting enter. Even if you have valid criticism that other people agree with, how you come across is honestly the most important thing in a text-based community.

Please keep my advice in mind for the future, and have a nice day.

Although there are a few errors, this was a fun read. 8/10 :moustache:s.

6661271

I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason for why the story is written in such a way as to bemuse the reader and in the words of many 'troll' them.

It is my pleasure to clarify this for you: the reason is "because it's fucking funny." The entire thing is an extended pun that sets you up to facepalm and groan in an amused way at the end. You are supposed to feel trolled and enjoy it. Too bad that you didn't, I guess, but that's because of you, not because it's badly done.

:raritystarry: Oh Sweetie Belle! All you males are uncouth ruffians !
:moustache: ?????? me too?
:duck: Specially you precious scales
:facehoof:

pre12.deviantart.net/5c2b/th/pre/i/2015/325/8/5/bed_time_story_by_hillbe-d9hkh8m.jpg

The correct term for their profession would be Angler

6665801

:moustache: "Rarity, why are all men ruffians?"
:raritydespair: "Well let me put it to you this way. Say there was a thing that you wanted to do, but it was hard to find a circumstance where you could do the thing. Now suppose some filly offered you a chance to do the thing in exchange for bits. Would you do it?"
:moustache: "er...yes?"
:raritycry: "I knew it! You are just like the rest of them!"

6666431

:moustache: Ah Rarity what's "thing".
:duck: whispers in his ear like Apple Jacks cows
:moustache: milk?
:duck: whispers in his ear again like Apple Jacks pigs
:moustache: bacon?
:duck: whispers once more S. E, X. Spike! sex!
:moustache: Sure any time Rarity
:raritystarry::facehoof:

pre01.deviantart.net/3dd9/th/pre/i/2015/318/d/b/color_family_run_by_hillbe-d9gpify.jpg
:ajsmug: Ride em Rarity

6666510
Spike is a yoshi. This explains so much.

"Uhhh my head." groaned Rainbow, but she regained her focus after seeing Rarity's death glare. "Isn't it obvious? They went to the docks to find some sailors."

You missed the perfect opportunity to say seamen! Seamen.

6667488 It was a tradeoff; I was going for the misdirect that sailors are frequent patrons of those types of services

6668064 Alright, alright, I guess I can forgive you then...

Thank you so very much for such a funny story. I kind of guessed where it was heading, but that did not reduce the pleasure I got from reading it. Keep up the great work. :pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

this story fits rarity to a perfectly Shes such a drama queen

6657760
You think this is garbage? Uh, no. This isn't anywhere near it. Try this. Now, that's garbage.

the animal grunting in acknowledgement.

Rainbow rolled her eyes, "See this is why I told Sweetie not to tell you. I knew you'd be a worry wart."

Rarity covered her ears, "Please stop, Rainbow Dash.(——"

Rarity crouched down so she was eye-to-eye with the prone pegasus on the ground.(——

At the docks, Rarity saw Fluttershy, feeding a breadcrumbs to a few seagulls.

"Fluttershy, you've got to help, it's an emergency!"

I think they were looking for some John,(——" Rarity's pupils shrunk to pinpricks,

I refuse to sit idly by and let you fillies become

"No no, please, enjoy your fishing trip,(——" said Rarity,

man, some people here are really disrespectful to the noble tradition of the feghoot.

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