• Member Since 9th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

BioniclesaurKing4t2


I'm an MLP/Sci-Fi crossover writer. 'Nuff said. My stories seek to answer but these three, simple questions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC5QT6CWiSM

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Starlight Glimmer has implemented a plot to alter history, but in addition to Twilight and Spike, a hero with a time-traveling train is out to stop this at all costs. But could he be more in the right place than it seems? Has Starlight's wish already been granted?

(Alternate ending to “The Cutie Re-Mark”. Henshin One-Shot; Kamen Rider Den-O crossover.)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 6 )

So why make this a one-shot? The story seems like it could be longer.

7131816
No it couldn't. There's a beginning, a middle, and an end. Everything we need is here, and nothing is missing. Adding to a story like this would simply ruin it.

By the way, great story. Not amazing, but it was nice to read a Kamen Rider story all the way through without cringing. Its not going in the feature bx, but it still a solid read.

7131816
Not really. The turning point in the middle signals the start of the primary focus arc, and so the first half works as a collection of brief scenes because it's both entertaining and doesn't overstay its welcome. Plus, this is all I thought of.

7131910

Hmmm, short it may be, but very entertaining! Moreover, this was a well written and high quality fic. So regardless of length, I give this one full marks!! Well done good sir, and I hope to see more toku-ponies or whatever you like from you later down the line!

Atop a hill, overlooking a forgotten planet’s forgotten battlefield, silhouetted by the light of the sunset, stood a brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark. Behind him was a tall wooden blue box.
“I’ve lived many centuries,” he spoke, “and I’ve seen many horrors. Horrors I won’t let others suffer through. This is the promise that I made in the name that I took. A cry calls out across the universe. Time is in trouble. And there’s only one pony for the—”
“First!”
“What the—!?” he shouted, looking up to see the blue box falling over onto him, the doors swinging open and swallowing him inside. A purple figure jumped up and sat on the box, knocking on the side.
“Sorry, hourglass-chan, nothing personal.”
“You’re not stealing the spotlight from us in time-travel stories anymore!”

Everything about this.

There's not a lot to say about the first half. Its nice, but nothing really happens and it relies heavily on the reder having pre-existing knowledge of Kamen Rider Den-O.

There are a number of flat descriptions here. What was especially noteworthy was how vague the Train looked and traveled, but the problem persist throughout,

The colored text was alright, but it felt distracting. Simply treating them a normal characters would have been sufficient.

“No, it’s a serious question,” Starlight interrupted, “and I want an answer. I’m not sure what I’m here to try and do. ‘Why should I care if the future gets ruined,’ ” she said, imitating her previous sneering attitude, “ ‘if there’s nothing for me there?’ I came back here because I thought I’d find an answer to that if I did.” She looked up at Twilight. “I’m over with wanting to hurt ponies, and I’m trying to find a reason to help, but even though I gave up on revenge, this still ended up happening and it’s still my fault. So why should me trying to help make any difference now?”
“I…,” Twilight tried to say, “I’m not sure if I can help with that. Doing the right thing was never a question with me. You just…do it.”

I couldn't hep but feel disappointed here. I love speeches about doing the right thing and stuff.

“True,” said Twilight, “but that’s not the only thing that would cause that. The contract never happened, I think that’s safe to say. But maybe, just maybe, the reason wasn’t that you couldn’t, but that you wouldn’t.” Starlight cocked her head. “It said you were the ideal contract holder because you didn’t care about collateral damage in your revenge scheme. But is that how you’d describe the pony that jumped in the way to save her friend? In that moment, I think, you changed your path, just enough so that you wouldn’t have been somepony the Imagin would try seeking a contract with. Why do you think you don’t have the scroll anymore?” Starlight looked around the map table but didn’t see the time spell scroll anywhere. “The Imagin never got it for you. And we’re back here, the point at which you not having it would prevent events from continuing any farther. No part of your attempt at revenge after this happened.”

That's more like it. Not the best Timey-Whimey hand wave, but better than most.

And a happy ending!

“Ore…,” he started, but quickly threw down his arm in frustration, “I’ve stopped counting how many times sanjou!”

Momo is 100% in character here and this whole story is one entertaining crossover nice work

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