My Little Rider: Friendship is Joker

by lilAngel

Episode 18 - Can't Stop the P

In the town of Ponyville, life was quiet enough. There were no disasters in progress, and no rampaging monsters storming through the streets. But for once, there was nopony guarding the town, either. The only disturbances to the peace were from normal criminals committing normal crimes, and the regular police stallions felt entirely adequate to deal with matters. One case they weren’t investigating was a seasonal mishap.

One stallion, a consummate party animal or an irresponsible drunkard ,depending who you asked. He said he had an iron stomach, and the strongest liver around, but that didn’t stop him doing one foolish thing too many at most weekends, and it hadn’t stopped him being found under a haystack one morning, ice crystals still clinging to his mane. It was spring now, but still close enough to winter that the nights could be long and cold, and the wind could bite deep. Nopony suspected foul play, it was just a tragedy that all his friends thought they should have been able to prevent.

But the Champion of Justice saw the body, and he thought something entirely different. Because he had sold the stallion a Gaia Memory only days before, and the scars on the unlucky victim’s flank were still fresh where the Memory had anchored itself into his body. A second death by ice in such a short space of time could not be a coincidence, and the Memory seller was even more terse than usual as he fulfilled the necessities of his day job. He was worried that at some point soon he was going to have to take revenge. But then, based on what the Icy dopant had done to his family already, and to his wife, vengeance had already been on the cards. In a way, he felt lucky that the monster had come here, so that he could be the one to mete out justice.

---

A good day’s journey away, the Champions of Harmony had been enjoying the festivities at the Castle of the Lone Princess, at the summit of Canterlot Castle. Now, they were circling from ballroom to courtyard to dining room, mingling as best they could with ponies whom the traditional social order said were several ranks above them. Trying to fit in here had seemed a little intimidating to start with, because these weren’t the kind of ponies any of them regularly talked to, there was little common ground, and they were all just a little worried about saying the wrong thing.

Now, it was just a fraction easier, because they had something to search for. They had a job to do, and they were filling a function that they could understand. There was a dopant at the party somewhere, and only the Champions of Harmony had the skills to find him or her, as far as they knew. Princess Luna had already mentioned that she could sense a dopant, but she had also tried to bring up some issues that could only seed distrust between Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, or between Twilight and somepony she trusted. That wasn’t acceptable, so Twilight hadn’t mentioned that to the other Champions.

Rarity roamed the crowds with her potential beau, Note Worthy. He was a lord, or even a prince according to the peculiarities of a particular region’s rules of nobility, so being in his company should make it easier for her to be accepted and ask questions of the more refined, upper class ponies who formed the majority of the guests. It did cross her mind that this meant her method of investigation was exactly the same as the reason she’d wanted to come to this party in the first place; to begin a relationship with a charming prince and to show off her dress to the very highest of high-class potential clients. But that was surely just a coincidence. She knew she was better than that, and would never let her own ambitions stand in the way of helping anypony who needed saving.

As afternoon turned into evening, however, her choice of companion was starting to feel less like she’d hit the jackpot,and more like a chore. As she held the door open for him to enter the main ballroom, she wondered if the royal families of the Crystal Empire were really as noble and righteous as they were reputed to be. She met a lot of different ponies, and heard a lot of name dropping, but came no closer to finding out who the dopant could be. She couldn’t even look at everypony’s cutie marks as she passed, because they were all wearing such elaborate dresses, much like the ones she had made herself. Even many of the stallions had flowing capes or robes that covered up their cutie marks on one side or both.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy started patrolling the castle’s gardens, accompanied by the gardener for the start of her rounds. She reasoned that if the dopant had forced ponies to dance when they didn’t want to, then the many courtyards could contain victims of this attack. Inside, there was dancing everywhere, but anypony who came for a breath of fresh air was clearly intending to stop. When she found more, she could offer them what medical help she could, and hopefully mitigate the worst effects of their exhaustion. She also hoped that she might hear the birdsong that had first led her to this place, and though she caught a few snatches of the sound on her wanderings, she was no closer to finding or thanking the little bird.

Pinkie Pie said she’d check the serving staff to see if anypony seemed suspicious, but she couldn’t deny to herself that she was being a little jealous there. She’d spent her whole life hearing that this was the greatest party in Equestria, and that the right to manage it was given only to the most accomplished, competent party planners in the whole kingdom. So she wanted to see what they did that made this any better than one of her own parties, and she was eager to pounce on any opportunity to show that she would be up to the task of running the show next year.

Rainbow Dash’s first moment of conspicuous heroism was a daring dive to save a pie that was otherwise heading for disaster on the ballroom floor. She wasn’t sure the elaborate dress would look cool enough to do her actions justice, but her confidence was restored when she heard a small round of applause. The sound of a dozen hooves drumming on the tiles was music to her ears, even before she looked up and realised that the pie had been in the possession of one of the Wonderbolts.

“Here you go,” she proffered it with as much modesty as she could muster, “No harm done.”

“Thanks, kid,” one of the bystanders nodded in thanks, “Soarin loves his apple pie, might not be able to do the show without it. Hey… I know you.”

“You do?” Dash’s eyes lit up. She’d only got the chance to meet the Wonderbolts once before, and though she’d dreamed about that one conversation leaving a mark on them, she’d mostly been content to think they might have forgotten her.

“Yeah! You won the Young Fliers competition, didn’t you? The Rainboom, that’s pretty impressive. Rainbow Dish, right? You helped us out twice now, so how about you come hang with us for a while?”

“Rainbow Dash,” she corrected, but still grinning so broadly that you might expect the top of her head to fall off. “That would be awesome!”

“Cool. Okay guys, I’ve invited Rainbow Dish to come party with us, get a break from the posh, and thank her for saving Soarin’s pie. But aww, hay. Can somepony take the trifle off him? Any more and he’ll be too heavy to fly for the next show!”

---

By the time the sun came close to the horizon, it was hard to deny there was a problem. Seven ponies had passed out with exhaustion after dancing, and five had eaten so much they were sick, and had then fallen asleep. One of the musicians had behaved a little out of character as well, taking her cello with her to the bathroom. She’d whispered to the harp player beside her that she just couldn’t stop playing, before she too passed out. The Wonderbolts had done an impressive display without Soarin, who had eaten six apple pies before joining the ranks of the afflicted, and Rainbow Dash had needed to help again as Spitfire found it impossible to touch down.

“What have they all got in common?” Twilight asked as she moved through the party, looking for more victims. By this point, the six had got used to holding conversations regardless of where the others were. They cared less about the desires that had brought them here, and more about making sure that everypony got home safely.

“They can’t stop,” Applejack answered right away, “Can’t stop eating, or dancing, or singing, playing, can’t stop doing tricks.”

“So is it just somepony who doesn’t like resting? Or have the victims got something in common?”

“There’s a mare in the first aid room who can’t stop telling jokes,” Fluttershy added, “Friends just brought her in, she’s laughing so much she can hardly breathe.”

“Why a party?” Pinkie Pie ranted, “Dancing, laughing, eating, all my favourite things, but it’s no fun if you can’t stop. I thought that ruining a party would annoy me more than anything else, but it’s like the dopant’s using the party to hurt ponies. That’s horrible.”

“Maybe somepony wants the Gala cancelled?” Rainbow Dash suggested, overflying the castle again to look for anypony suffering similar symptoms outside the party itself.

“We’re in the dark here,” Twilight grumbled, “We’ve got a dozen ponies sick, and no idea what they have in common. If there’s somepony who’s got a grudge against them and is using the party for cover, or just wanting to ruin the party. We need a lookup.”

“Right!” Pinkie nodded, and looked around the corridor she was in now, “Just give me a moment.”

---

The Gaia Library was a vast space, filled with books of all kinds. These weren’t real books, but symbolic representations of everything Pinkie Pie knew about the ponies of Ponyville. This place had started out as her dream, but thanks to the telepathic qualities of the Elements of Harmony the books had come to include quite a lot of information that she didn’t otherwise know. Whether it would be able to spot the link between these Canterlot ponies, that was another question. She couldn’t imagine she knew anything about them, even on a subconscious level, but the library had surprised her before.

“Keyword: Vibrant Heart,” Twilight’s voice came from the collar, as easily as it did when she was awake. Pinkie waved a hoof through the air, and huge numbers of books twisted and spun around her, a much smaller selection presented for her perusal.

“Six hundred and twelve results,” she answered back. Presumably there was a book in there about Vibrant Heart, the latest victim, but it was mixed in with the books about every one of her friends and family, and the ponies whose lives she had played a significant role in.

“Keyword: Jubilee Bloom.” This one didn’t reduce the number of available books by much at all. As those two victims were close friends, they shared a great deal of their social circles.

“Five hundred and seventy nine results.”

“Keyword: Spitfire.” This time, more than half of the books circling around Pinkie seemed to fly away. And slowly, they worked through the list of victims in reverse order, a few more books spiralling into the distance as each name was added to the calculation.

“Wait!” Pinkie interrupted the pattern. With nine ponies’ names being cross-referenced, there were just a handful of connections remaining. She could see the books circling around her now; and a replica of the Gala ticket as well. It was obvious that as long as the victims were all attendees, there would be no way to remove any connections they had through virtue of their attendance. They had all spoken to Princess Celestia at some point, even if it was just a brief greeting as they walked through the big double doors. Pinkie could recognise the Princess’s book now, and guessed that the majority of the ones that remained would be other ponies they had met here.

“They’re all guests at the Gala,” she explained, “So they’ve all met the same ponies here. Even if we narrow it down as much as we can, there will still be a dozen coincidental links. And if one of these is the dopant, they haven’t used the Memory enough for it to be named on the book cover.”

“I got you covered,” Rainbow Dash’s voice chipped in, “It’s mostly posh ponies at the Gala, but I found this colt dancing on the docks. Nearly fell in, says he sneaked into one of the castle gardens to see if he could find anything valuable; he’s homeless here, and got a little sister to take care of. Then said when he left he couldn’t stop dancing.”

“Right!” Twilight took control again, “Do you know his name? Or anything he touched here?”

“Name’s Mocha Drink. Fast and agile seems to be his special talent. Says he didn’t find any valuables, he didn’t steal from the guests or do anything that would have got him in trouble. All he took was some food, for him and for her. He says there’s nothing else in the Gala they’d take, everything’s worth so much they couldn’t find anyone to buy it, even if they had the strength to remove a large item. They were about as honest as you could get for thieves, and they wouldn’t take anything they didn’t need.”

“So they won’t have offended anypony,” Twilight proposed, “Unless the dopant was angry just from seeing him there. I’m half expecting it to remove all the results, but… Keyword: Mocha Drink.”

Pinkie gestured, and the books swirled through the air.

“No matches,” Pinkie sighed.

“Not good,” Fluttershy mumbled, “Can you bring him to the nurses here? We need to make sure it’s the same thing, and if he’s going to collapse then he should be somewhere comfortable.”

---

By the time Rainbow Dash got back to the castle, the Gala’s medical facility had been expended to include three rooms. It was normally much larger than it needed to be for dealing with the occasional injuries of ponies who had overindulged in the Princess’s hospitality, but even three nurses weren’t enough as the number of collapsed ponies passed a dozen. An order came down from Celestia herself, giving them the use of two adjacent rooms, and a small complement of Royal Guards arrived to bring in sufficient spare beds and whatever else was needed to ensure that the patients got the best possible care.

Princess Celestia herself still hadn’t made an appearance. The Champions of Harmony could only guess that there had been some disagreement between Twilight Sparkle and her former mentor, but they had no idea what the cause might be. Still, it was reassuring in a way that the absolute ruler of the land had chosen to let them get on with defeating the dopant rather than trying to micro-manage their actions. The guards on the battlements looked up as Rainbow Dash swooped in towards the castle, but made no effort to hinder her progress. Inside the improvised sickroom, two of the guards opened the largest window.

“He… is…” Rainbow panted, heaving Mocha Drink’s unconscious form onto the nearest free bed, “…heavier than he looks.” Behind her, a white-coated pegasus filly eased her way through the window and touched down.

“Who’s this?” Fluttershy nodded towards her, before turning back to join the nurses examining their latest new patient. The guards didn’t say anything, but kept staring at the newcomer.

“Uhh…” the child mumbled, “Fortissimo Serenade, everypony calls me Forte. That’s my brother.”

“I told her she could stay here,” Rainbow shrugged, “We don’t know if the dopant will be after her as well, whatever reason he’s got.”

“It must be somepony he bumped into at the Gala,” Fluttershy spoke under her breath, still not looking at Fortissimo, “An encounter too brief to be recorded in Pinkie’s library. But we can’t even ask him now.”

“He don’t know how to talk to princes and that,” the filly answered, “He’d just run if anypony spoke to him. He knows to avoid crowds.”

“He came back with food, though,” Twilight suggested from whatever remote part of the castle she was currently exploring, “Could that be the connection?”

“You think they might have been poisoned?” Rainbow Dash answered, causing the nurses to turn and stare at her in shock. “Sorry, just thinking out loud.”

“Could be,” Fluttershy answered thoughtfully, “We need to find out what they’ve eaten. Forte, you said he brought food back. Have you still got any?” And then she finally turned to look, and saw a filly with tears in her eyes, malnourished and visibly shaking. All at once, the businesslike attitude disintegrated. Fluttershy was caring, a perfect mother figure, and Forte suddenly had a seat and a plate of food from the nurses’ canteen.

“I don’t know,” Forte stared at the food in front of her, “It was mostly little bits, tiny cakes and pieces of treats, posh grub I wouldn’t even know the name of. I don’t even know if he had the same stuff he brought for me. I just wish…” and then sobs overwhelmed her efforts to speak, and all she could do was stare at her brother. His lips were moving too, his shoulders still twitching in time to the faintest echoes of music from the grand ballroom, but there was no way to ask him the questions that were suddenly so important.

“Try to calm down,” Fluttershy murmured soothingly, “He’ll be fine, he’s just asleep. Maybe he’s still dancing in his dreams, imagining you two turning into proper posh ponies, or something. The most you can do for him is stay calm, and be here when he wakes up. Listen to the music, maybe. They’ve got a woodwind quintet playing now, and that’s really soothing.” Forte nodded. She could make out the faint strain of music, which was very relaxing, and her tail was already swishing gently to the sound. That didn’t make it any easier not to worry about her brother, but she could at least fake the courage needed to be there for him.

---

“I could go and check for magical energies on any of the food she’s got left,” Rarity suggested, tuning out Fluttershy’s voice for a moment, “Even if I can’t understand Gaia Magic, I can see if there’s any energy there.”

“Weren’t you supposed to be meeting your handsome prince soon?” Twilight Sparkle answered, “I don’t want to ask any more of you, if you were actually getting what you wanted out of tonight.”

“No, it’s fine. I need to do my duty,” she was so quick to respond that Twilight had to wonder just how Note Worthy had failed to live up to his name. But Rarity was her friend, and she didn’t want to put a friend through any kind of discomfort. “We really should try to find out what the victims have eaten, though. It could be useful.”

“The caterers don’t keep such detailed records. They notice when a plate is near empty, but not who ate any given cake. Nopony can tell us, except the victims.”

“And they might not wake up until the dopant is defeated. We just have to wait, and even if a few of them talk in their sleep, they aren’t clear enough for us to learn something.”

“Maybe not. But if we can’t talk to them, I think I know a pony who can.”

“But how can…” Rarity stopped, and her frown got more pronounced, “I hope you’re not going to try something dangerous, Twilight.”

“No, of course not. Now, you should get to testing those samples in case that tells us the truth. My plan isn’t quite so scientifically rigorous right now. I’m sorry for taking you away from your special somepony, especially on a night like this, but the work needs to be done.” Rarity nodded and walked away, secretly happy to have something useful to do. But still, she worried what Twilight might be thinking of, that she couldn’t share with the others.

Twilight didn’t even know if her plan would work, but she had to try. To save all those ponies, as well as to satisfy her own curiosity. It would be difficult, with such babble of conversation and so many excited partygoers still celebrating the Gala, which seemed to occupy nearly the whole castle. But she knew just the place. She followed the winding stairs up to library, where she doubted even the most literary lords would retreat on the night of such a prestigious party. There, between two bookshelves, was a little nook reachable only using the library ladder, a space that nopony else knew was there. As she climbed, Twilight found herself wondering how many other hidden spaces the castle contained, and whether Celestia knew about all of them. But this place wasn’t a secret passage, just a tiny chamber between the backs of bookcases. And today, Twilight had a much more noble reason to visit than the shameful purposes she’d used the secret room for in her youth.

---

Pinkie Pie trudged anxiously down yet another thickly carpeted corridor. She was searching for more victims who might not yet have realised anything was wrong; there had been no general announcement about the dopant, because nopony wanted to cause a panic. But Pinkie was finding for the first time in her life that she was not having fun at a party.

It wasn’t just that they didn’t seem to appreciate her style of dancing. It wasn’t that she had been told to leave the dance floor after spinning another dancer too vigorously and knocking over a small table at the side of the room. It wasn’t just that everypony here seemed to be more concerned with the rules and regulations of the party than actually having fun. What was bothering her most was the whispers.

Even now, as she passed one of the lesser ballrooms, she saw a couple of mares glance in her direction and then begin a detailed examination of the floor. They didn’t want to admit to themselves that they’d even seen her, as if she was some kind of disgraced criminal who could taint others by her presence. Then she heard one mare whisper to her friend, presumably assuming Pinkie was out of earshot; and as soon as one had opened her mouth, everypony was chiming in with their opinions.

“She’s supposed to be a party planner, can you believe it?”

“Would you let a commoner arrange your soirée?”

“Cherry heard her say she’s going to take over the Gala!”

“What kind of servants would take orders from that?”

“Said she’ll ruin the party if she can’t be in charge.”

“The lower classes are always like that, thinking we should listen to their opinions.”

“Somepony should kick them all out.”

“Who do they think they are, coming to an event like this without even one royal title between them?”

“Disgusting, I call it.”

“Makes me feel uncomfortable, unclean even.”

“She won’t let us be unless we let that tramp take over the Gala!”

“You know one of her friends demanded an audience with Blossom?”

“It’s nothing short of blackmail.”

Pinkie moved on quickly, without the usual spring in her step, before she could hear anything worse. Even now, she was finding it hard to avoid doing something she’d regret.

---

“Forte, dear?” Nurse Moonshine finally felt she had to speak up, “I appreciate that the music is helping you to relax, but that humming is becoming a little distracting for those of us who are working. Could you maybe keep the volume down a little?”

Then she saw that the scared child was crying again, shaking, and the nurse panicked trying to find the right words: “I’m sorry, dear, I don’t want to upset you, it’s just…”

“I –” Forte gasped, the swish-swish of her tail keeping pace with the music as violent sobs interrupted her humming, “I can’t stop!”

---

Twilight reclined on silk sheets, violet and crimson. It was the most comfortable bed she’d ever lain in, the mattress adapting to every contour of her body and the sheets pleasantly cool even on a hot summer evening. Around the edges of the chamber, crystals glimmered with magic to cast just enough light to see by, though maybe not bright enough to allow reading, and for some reason there was a large mirror suspended from the ceiling twenty feet above, giving her a perfect view of her own supine body. It was a scene of perfect decadence, and it was very different from the dusty little nook where she’d long ago folded some sheets in case she needed a quick nap during her shift as librarian.

“Are you there?” Twilight called out, but heavy drapes muted the sound. “I know you’ve been watching us. We need to talk.”

She waited a moment longer, and then finally there was a rustling in the darkness. A dark silhouette moved closer, finally reaching the circle of light and sitting on the bed beside Twilight.

“Your tone is remarkably casual, Twilight Sparkle, considering how seldom we have spoken.”

“My apologies, Princess, if I have offended you. But when you speak formally, it strikes me that you are forcing yourself to do so. You have no particular taste for protocol and ritual, though I think this is a detail you would prefer to keep hidden.”

“You know me well enough,” Luna eventually replied, after a pause long enough to awaken fear in Twilight’s heart, “So, you come to sleep in the middle of an important celebration, and also while your friends are chasing a dopant. I would never have expected that of you.”

“No. But I think you can help us.”

“You want to know more about the Gaia Memories? There is much I could tell you, but Celestia knows more than I. And as much as I would like to say that I am now in control of the Lunar Memory, it corrupts my mind, and I do not fully control my own actions. I can say now that my banishment was deserved, but I cannot promise that if I had unrestricted access to the Memory, I would not follow the same dark path again. I know from my own experience that my sister is right; that showing compassion to a dopant is a futile exercise, and the only way they can ever be calm is for the Memory to be destroyed. And yet… there is one case where Celestia and I cannot agree on the correct course of action.”

Twilight didn’t say anything. She just raised an eyebrow, and waited for the Princess to continue. This wasn’t what she’d come to ask, but it sounded like Luna was more than eager to get it off her chest.

“The longer a Memory User holds their Gaia Memory, the more closely it becomes bound to their identity, their personality, and their health. This is the main point of contention I have with my sister. After being a dopant for a year or more, a pony might not survive the removal of the Gaia Memory. I initially wondered if such a pony… if the willpower necessary to go a whole year without rampage might mean that pony could actually control the dopant within. My sister, on the other hand, said that all dopants must be destroyed for the safety of Equestria, even if that meant sacrificing the life of an innocent Memory User.”

“There are dopants that old?” Twilight gasped, surprised, “I thought they were recent, but…”

“There are. A thousand years ago, we defeated nearly all of the dopants, but there were still Gaia Memories that weren’t in anypony’s hooves. They lost their power when we sealed the Gaia Fountain, leaving just the last few dopants to be destroyed or sealed away. But years before today, the Fountain broke its seal. Then, it began to create new Memories, the fourth generation. I believe that those who sell them call these the G4 Memories. They kept each Memory for themselves initially, until their family and high ranking salesponies all had Gaia Memories. They waited for years, refining the technology that turns a raw Memory Crystal into the form you know, before the Fountain started creating Memories at a higher rate, before they started spreading them across Equestria. However, with the Fountain unsealed, some of the remaining G3 memories around the world were reactivated, and they may have been picked up by ponies who didn’t even know what they were. The first drops of rain before the coming storm.”

“So… there could be dopants who wouldn’t survive returning to normal?”

“No. There are. At least three that I know of. One within the family responsible for Memory distribution, who I will not identify to you out of respect for my sister’s decisions. I may tease you with secrets, but I will not outright betray her by telling you something you may well be unable to cope with.” She paused, waiting for Twilight to take in this information and nod.

“One is in Ponyville,” Luna continued, “who I have the greatest hope for. She became a dopant as a filly, I believe, and over time the letter mark shifted its shape until it could be mistaken for a normal cutie mark, unless you were specifically looking for it. Again, I will not tell you her name. She has done troublesome or mischievous things, but not evil, and looking through her dreams I can only hope that she will be able to retain control. I am sure she will reveal herself to you when she is ready, and then you will have the choice to kill her or defy your mentor. I would not torture you by bringing that day any closer.” Twilight knew that the decision was a kind one, and hoped with all her heart that this mysterious dopant could retain her kindness in the same way Luna had. But before she could ask any more, the Princess hurried on to complete her speech.

“And finally, at least one of the dopants from the previous generation, who we did not have the power to fully destroy. He is imprisoned now, but both my sister and I have been dreading the day he will return to challenge you. That is one reason, more than any other, that you must grow stronger as well as wiser with each threat that faces you.”

“I can try my best.”

“I expected no less,” Luna finally smiled, “I hope you understand that I cannot tell you everything. My sister and I disagree on how much you should know, and I wish I could share certain secrets with you. But I do not wish to drive a wedge between Celestia and yourself, or create dissent within your group, when the whole of Equestria needs you to be strong. I will tell you what I can, but not the big secrets about the Driver or about your enemies. Have I said enough?”

“I think so,” Twilight whispered, then shook her head as if to clear away cobwebs in her mind, “But that’s not actually what I wanted to ask you. The victims of this dopant have been mumbling in their sleep, or tossing and turning. So we think that they may still be dreaming. If they have been poisoned, then maybe you could speak with them and discover what delicacies they have partaken of. Or allow me access to their dreams, so that I can ask them myself, although I suspect that many of them would be more willing to speak to one who is familiar with the proper airs and graces of the high court.”

“A sensible supposition,” Luna agreed, “If the Gala is anything like the last one I attended. I will ask as many of these victims as I can, and see if I can find the common link between what they have consumed.”

“Wait! Didn’t you say before that you could sense a dopant? Was that one of the powers of the previous Elements?”

“No. When we fought against the Memory Organisation, we found it extremely difficult to identify the dopants. But since my… mistake, I have found that I can often sense the presence of another dopant. But in this case, I think the Memory User has been showing incredible restraint, using only the slightest amount of power. I have been searching the Canterlot newspapers, and have found several reports of a pony who could not stop dancing over the past months. But this is the first time there hasn’t been a gap of weeks between victims, and still the frequency of their power usage is low enough that I cannot easily identify them.”

“Thank you kindly, then, for any information you can find. And I won’t ask you – or Celestia – about dopants who haven’t caused trouble. Worrying about them, trying to find out who they are, or distrusting other ponies just in case; it would weaken my bonds with the rest of Ponyville whether I found the truth or not. And if the dopant isn’t causing trouble, I see no reason to act. I will respond when there is a problem to solve, and until then I will investigate on my own.” Twilight’s voice was cool, and perfectly steady. As steady as an icicle held in a vice, being slowly tightened to see when it would shatter.

“I’m sorry I can’t be more open. But if you can take that anger and direct it toward your enemies, I’m sure even the one we couldn’t defeat would have reason to fear.” Luna saw the fire in Twilight’s eyes, and realised there was no benefit to winding her up any further right now, so she quickly changed the topic.

“I must say, this is an enchanting boudoir. Not, I think, the place I would normally think to discuss strategy and history.” Her hoof made a long, slow wave to encompass the subdued lighting, the bed big enough for four, the many layers of silk sheets and matching drapes around the edge of the room, and of course the giant mirror above them. Twilight glanced up too, and Luna met her reflection’s gaze.

“I… It wasn’t what I expected. Couldn’t you have made some kind of throne room, or something?”

“Oh, Twilight,” Luna almost laughed, and would probably have giggled in a manner quite unbefitting her age and social status, if she hadn’t raised one hoof to her muzzle to stop herself. “This is your dream. I can only wonder what would have caused you to imagine such a boudoir to meet me.”

“I… well…” Twilight blushed crimson, and then stood up from the bed. A moment later, she was back in the library. The silk sheets, the mirror, the lighting. Of course it was all in her mind, no inferences could be drawn because of course it wasn’t real. She quickly reminded herself that she’d retreated to a space she had previously used to catch an illicit forty winks while working in the library, so of course her subconscious mind would imagine meeting Princess Luna in a bedroom. And the decadence, well what else would a princess’s bedroom look like? It was all perfectly natural, and didn’t say anything about her at all.

---

“What are you doing?” Blossom Child snapped angrily, “The kitchen should not be idle at a time like this!”

“The tables are full,” Sweet Cane gestured to the charts on the wall, filled in by the hundred waiters and waitresses who were responsible for ensuring that everything was there so that a guest would never have to ask. “What do you want me to prepare?”

“That Ponyville trash is trying to ruin our Gala. I’ve put the word out that she’s trying to poison the nobles because she’s angry over not getting to run the show, but that isn’t enough. If there’s any chance the buffet tables are contaminated, we need to replace everything. Do you understand?” It was a shock to the whole kitchen staff. They had never before seen the boss anything but perfectly calm. Her anger now was unprecedented. Sweet Cane didn’t comment, though, and that was another sign of her professionalism. For a year now she’d been cultivating her reputation as a pâtissier who could cope with anything, and going straight back to work without a second thought was the ultimate proof of that.

---

“Okay, everypony,” Twilight’s voice seemed to be coming from right next to each of her friends as she re-engaged the communication collar, “We might have a way to check what our patients have eaten. But for now, just keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious.”

“Sure,” Applejack’s distinctive accent came back, “But I don’t like hearing your voices from nowhere so much, it makes me jump every time. Once we’re back home can we not do that? Or like, just for emergencies?”

“I was going to say something similar,” Rarity added, speaking a little hesitantly as she found it quite unusual to be agreeing with Applejack, “I think speaking through the collars is a little disconcerting, and may seem strange to those around us, so we shouldn’t just walk around talking to each –”

“Oooh, wait!” Pinkie interrupted, “I just thought! If somepony’s tampering with the food, can we find out which room it’s in, and then change the food there!”

“That’s a good point,” Applejack nodded, “There’s a dozen buffet tables in different ballrooms, this party is huge. It’s probably just in one place, but then finding out where the victims ate would be just as hard as asking what they ate.”

“No it wouldn’t!” Pinkie beamed and jumped in the air, causing a couple of partygoers at the other end of the corridor to turn around and seek a route that avoided the apparent madpony, “Because everypony’s got a schedule! I thought it was weird to plan where you’d be at a party, but maybe it’s helpful after all!”

“A schedule?” Applejack muttered, “What d’you mean, Pinkie?”

“The dance cards!” Rarity explained as she managed to decode the cryptic explanation, “In some high class events, it is common for a lady to record all the partners she has offered a dance to, so that a prince who asks to dance while she is on her way to the refreshments need not be snubbed. And in a massive gathering such as this, the dance card records both which song a couple have arranged to dance for, and in which chamber. Therefore if we study the victims’ cards, we would have a fairly good idea when and where they have the opportunity to pause for snacks.”

“And we know how long the poison takes to kick in,” Rainbow Dash added, “Because when I found Mocha Drink he was just getting back to where Forte was waiting for him, so that’s the time she ate what he’d brought.”

“Right, I’ll check all the cards here,” Fluttershy offered from the improvised hospital, “But I’m not sure how to read these cards, or how to work it out.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be right there,” Twilight was confident at last. If there was one thing she was good at, it was deciphering organisational charts and other documentation.

---

“Are you alright, dear?” A rather stern looking mare came up behind Pinkie as she walked away from yet another harsh stage-whispering group. The newcomer was slightly built, but with a majestic bearing that gave the impression of being much larger than she really was. She was wearing an ornate uniform that was both practical and stylish, with a dozen pockets between all the frills.

“I guess,” Pinkie muttered. She knew she should be singing to try and lift her spirits, she was supposed to bear the Element of Laughter. But when she was hated by everypony, she didn’t know where to turn for support. She needed a supportive shoulder to cry on as much as anypony. “It’s all so complicated, and there’s rules, and I don’t know how it works. But it’s still a party, and everypony’s having fun, and I don’t understand it. How can I learn to be the best party planner in Equestria if I can’t even get party guests to like me?”

“You’re Pinkie Pie, aren’t you?” the other pony asked, and unlike almost everypony so far there was no trace of scorn in her voice, “The so-called party prodigy?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” Pinkie muttered, trying to hold back her tears.

“Well don’t worry,” the older mare smiled, “My name’s Blossom Child, and I’m the planner for this party. I know what it’s like to have your work go unappreciated. Because when a party goes well, it seems to happen so naturally that most guests don’t even think of the staff. And don’t listen to what they say about you, because the rich will often look down on ponies from a lesser social class, it’s just something that happens.”

“But I don’t get it, I don’t know how to make them laugh.”

“I’ve heard about you. Did you know that your parties are famous even as far as Canterlot? You know balloons and cakes, decorations and music like nopony else. I’ve heard about your party cannon too, and I realise that’s such a wonderful idea for the times when a celebration needs to be organised in a hurry. Did you know, I even started to worry that you might be after my job?”

“Really?” Pinkie blushed, but a smile came back to her face now.

“Really. The high-born ponies will look down on you, but only until they experience your work. But now I see that you don’t have the organisational talent to back up your inspiration. You can make a good party, or even a great one, with just a few days notice. But if you have more time to plan, you won’t be able to effectively use those weeks to turn it into something incredible. A good party needs both inspiration and perspiration, you understand.”

“I guess, that must be right?” Pinkie wasn’t too sure, but she couldn’t deny that there were so many happy ponies here, maybe more than the whole population of Ponyville.

“Well, I’m supposed to a businesspony,” Blossom Child continued, “I’m supposed to keep my parties running with meticulous precision, and I should see you as a rival. But when I heard the terrible, horrid things those mares are saying about you, I couldn’t just stand by. I think I have to help, I can’t bear to see somepony whose dreams are so close to my own in this state. And so, I might offer… If you truly wish to learn the science, as well as the art, of making parties, I could be willing to take you on as my apprentice and pâtissier.”

“You’d really do that?” Pinkie’s heart soared. A moment before she’d been wondering if she would ever understand the parties of nobles, but now she was being offered a helping hoof right to the top of the industry.”

“Seeing that smile, I think I could. Come with me, we’d better sign the contract before I have time to consider this offer.”

---

“So what does it say?” Fluttershy peered over the desk where Twilight had spread out a surprisingly large number of papers to try and cross reference all the dance cards. She had charts with lines and charts with circles, long curves representing the path a pony had taken from one place to another, and the places they could have reached in between their scheduled dances.

“Nothing,” Twilight sighed and threw down her pencil, “Even if the poison takes effect immediately for some ponies, while others could have danced for hours without noticing, there is no chamber in the whole castle that all of these ponies could have visited tonight. It’s a red herring, there’s no way somepony could have poisoned one of the buffet tables.”

“What if they got into the kitchens?” Fluttershy asked, but a theatrical sigh from the doorway caught both their attention before Twilight could respond.

“I was coming to tell you,” a nervous mare in an elaborate maid outfit muttered, “I don’t know anything, it was just a suspicion. But I’ve seen we’ve got a lot more sick guests than normal, and she’s been acting strangely. I wonder if she’s done something, hurt ponies?”

“Who has?” Twilight stepped right past the small talk, figuring the important thing now was the identity of the dopant. Any suspicion could turn out to be a clue, and they could check it easily enough by asking to see the suspect’s cutie mark.

“Blossom Child.”

“The organiser? But…”

“She said… somepony’s trying to take her place as the greatest party planner in Equestria. She’s mentioned before, she got some kind of secret ingredient that makes her cakes irresistible, and the ponies who eat them can’t help feeling happy. But there’s a cost, something she talks to herself about when there’s nopony listening. And she said now she’s got a rival, she wants the Gala to be even greater than last year, no matter what the cost, and if it goes wrong she can pin the blame on somepony she doesn’t like.”

“Right,” Twilight nodded, “That could be it. I’ll tell my friends.” She didn’t bother to question whether the story was actually true. They wouldn’t lose anything by checking it out, so she pushed the Memory into its socket on her collar again.

---

“Blossom Child?” Applejack shook her head, she just couldn’t believe it. “I don’t think so, she’s so organised and in control, it’s like she thinks about everything she says. She’d never be dumb enough to…”

“Guys!” Rainbow Dash’s voice interrupted, “Nightmare Moon’s up here on the roof, she said to give you a message. She looked in the sleeping ponies’ dreams, and there’s one thing on the buffet that was so good, once they started they finished the whole tray. Nearly all of them remembered the same thing. And she’s asked a few other ponies, the royal guards and that, and they said they saw a few ponies gobbling it up like a pig at a trough. Something so good, the poshest lords forgot their hoity toity manners, the guards could have told us, or a load of different guests, if we’d just asked the right ones.”

“They don’t have manners anyway,” Rarity seemed angry, though the others couldn’t tell why, “The truly rich have no taste. Just huge egos, and a complete disregard for anypony else’s feelings.”

“So what’s poisoned?” Applejack asked, quickly losing patience as Rainbow Dash mumbled hesitantly, “Come on, we need to take it off the menu right now before anypony else gets sick. And then we can find out who could have got to the food in the first place. Just say it!”

“It’s… the apple fritters.”

“Oh, hay! She said she’d give me a chance, show off a little Ponyville cuisine. Said it’d be all cosmopolitan, or whatever, let the rich folks see that farm ponies can cook up a treat too. She made it sound such a great idea, she tried a few things. There was only a couple of secretaries there, none of the junior chefs even saw them before they were handing them out to the waiters, it must be. But why? She was so excited when she heard Pinkie’s here with us…”

“Excited, or nervous?” Twilight sounded sombre enough that the other three could easily imagine her expression, “Blossom Child and Pinkie Pie both have a reputation for being the best party organiser in all of Equestria. If she felt like she’s under threat, then she might be tempted to overuse whatever this power is. Maybe it really does just make ponies happy until she gets carried away and overdoes it.”

“Or maybe she did it too much on purpose,” Applejack scowled, “She’s taken my apples and used them to poison seventeen ponies already, and there’s a rumour going round some of the snobs that me and Pinkie are trying to ruin her party. She’s trying to pin the blame on us, get rid of the competition!”

“Right,” Twilight snapped, “We deal with this properly. AJ, meet me in the Gala office. Rarity, get somewhere you can leave your body safely in case we need to transform. Fluttershy, you’re doing great helping the nurses, and I don’t think we’ll need wings today, but be ready to lie down just in case. Rainbow Dash, see if you can find Pinkie Pie. I can’t feel her presence through the communication crystals, so she must have taken her Element away from the collar for some reason.”

Applejack started to stride purposefully up the stairs, her eyes burning with rage. Posh ponies who looked down on her passing out, she had been worried. When those innocent kids were in danger, she was angry. But poisoning her food, and trying to blame her friends, that made it personal.

“Let’s finish this.”

---

Pinkie Pie ran her eyes over the contract, taking in all the subclauses and codicils. She wasn’t as naïve as her crazy antics often implied, but she wasn’t quite able to take in the details here, or to understand what every bit meant. Especially with Blossom Child poised over her like a hawk, waiting for her to sign. The distractions didn’t help either, she could hardly think over the muffled sounds of shouting from the outer office. She couldn’t make out the words, but there was no way she could focus on what she was reading like this.

“What is causing such a rumpus?” the organiser huffed, “Would you mind if we take a trip to a more private area?” She waited for the slightest trace of a nod, and then her magic flared and the two of them were standing in a narrow tower, overlooking the castle in all directions.

“Now, you can sign in peace. I guarantee, there will be no distractions up here.”

That was true for a whole three minutes, before there was a bright pink flash, and Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were standing in front of the door.

“Pinkie! You’re safe!” Applejack gasped, “Get out of here!” Twilight was still trying to catch her breath; following somepony else’s teleport took a fair amount of energy, and transporting two ponies increased the strain on her magic by a lot more than double.

“Why?” Pinkie Pie was standing over a writing desk, squarely in the middle of the room. Blossom Child edged around nervously to make sure that Pinkie was between her and the two newcomers. “Blossom Child said I can be her apprentice, you know how important that is Twilight! I could be learning from the best!”

“You’re already the best, Pinkie. You’ve been the best all the time I’ve known you. She’s just jealous, and she’s the monster.”

“No she’s not!” that response stopped both Twilight and Applejack in their tracks. They’d been trying to see a way to get Pinkie out of the room safely before transforming, slowly circling in opposite directions to make a clear path to the door. They’d expected the party director to proclaim her innocence, or maybe to fly into a rage and gloat about her crimes. They hadn’t expected her to keep looking calmly out of the windows while Pinkie Pie refuted their allegations.

“Pinkie, she started rumours about you,” Twilight spoke calmly, watching every response to make sure her friend wasn’t under some kind of magical control, “She told some of the staff that you might be responsible for the poisoned food, because she was worried more ponies want you to take over the Gala. She’s not such a good chef, so we think she got a Gaia Memory that lets her make all her food taste super sweet.”

“I don’t cook,” Blossom Child finally answered, “I organise. It’s a much more specialised talent. And if you think I’d use a Gaia Energy just to make food taste better, you are sadly–”

“You know what a Memory is, then?” Twilight snapped, “No more games.”

“Yes. I have a Gaia Memory. But I would never use it to hurt anypony. That thing is there purely to give me the power, the determination, to be the best at my craft.”

“Wait, you do?” Pinkie jumped back in surprise, “I didn’t even notice. You don’t seem like a dopant.”

“I guess I’ll have to show you, then,” Blossom Child lowered her head, “Though it is the worst kind of privilege, and a secret shame I believed I would never show to another. I should have realised that there would come some kind of regulation some day.”

Pinkie Pie picked up the Element of Laughter from the desk. She’d set it on one side according to standard Canterlot rules for legal negotiation; the contract wouldn’t have been valid if she was touching something that could potentially have mind-altering powers. Then three ponies escorted Blossom Child down the stairs. They wanted to take her to a cell, where the Royal Guard could keep her restrained until they found a way to break the Gaia Memory without a battle. Their prisoner had other ideas, but right now it felt like everything depended on gaining their trust.

“Look, I was just a filly,” Blossom Child started, “You’ve got to understand me. I’d finished school, and then one day the accountants came and told Father that we might not be able to throw more lavish parties, that the ancestral fortune wasn’t what it used to be. That in a year or two, I’d be dropping through the strata of the middle class unless we could somehow reduce expenses. But Father wouldn’t stop his parties, he loved them so much, so he found another solution. He bought me a Gaia Memory.” The other ponies were surprised by that, but didn’t say anything. They had nothing better to do than walking, and nothing to pass the time better than listening to the story.

“It was beautiful. Crystal, with gold wires along the outside. It had been buried in a marsh somehow, but the pony who found it had used one before, and knew what it was. So it was included in the inheritance of that family, and passed down for nearly a thousand years with detailed instructions on its use. Even the box was beautiful, mahogany with a shape that followed the lines of the natural grain, and a genuine golden key. The family that had it fell on hard times, though, and their feckless heir thought that it would be better to sell it off than to wait for its power to awaken. So my father bought it, scrimping on the quality of just a few balls to cover the cost. He saw the big picture, a great stallion.”

“A G3 Memory, left over from the generation that Princess Celestia fought to stop,” Twilight mumbled, “So did it awaken?”

“Oh yes. One day there was a brilliant flash in the sky, in the direction of the Everfree. A rainbow, rippling through all of us, and a boom that shook the ground. Rainbow light poured out of the box, like a part of the sky had been captured in there, and the Party Memory glowed green for a week afterwards. It was alive again. And then Father told me why he had bought it. He knew that the Gaia Memory would make me the best host imaginable. I could use its magic to run balls and galas for him without draining the family funds, and then the legacy would be enough to give me a comfortable lifestyle for a few decades longer. Maybe, if I became skilled enough in its use, I could even earn money of my own, and replenish the inheritance that my uncles and grandfather had mostly squandered.”

“The road to hell is cobbled in good intentions,” Applejack sighed, “If you had a book to tell you what the Memory was, you should have known what it might do to you.”

“I did. It wasn’t mentioned in the manual, of course. The Memory Miners wanted to sell their product. But our library was stacked full of history books, and there were inferences to be made if you cross referenced enough sources. I realised that using this power, this gift, would come at the cost of sanity, and that I could never trust my own judgement on how much was too much. So I resolved not to use it. I couldn’t tell Father that, of course, after he invested bits that we barely had in my future. So I studied. I read reports in the society pages, of the balls, galas, and celebrations that everypony was impressed by. I indexed the tales, and looked for the factors that made the difference. I found the cheapest price for every resource, optimising to maximise the reputation/cost ratio. I did the sums, and I read as much as I possibly could. I disciplined myself until I knew exactly the right expression to adopt, the right words to say to make everypony love my events. And then the night before the party, I would go to the family safe. My key in one keyhole, Father’s in the other, and he would allow me to withdraw the Gaia Memory.”

“I don’t think I ever heard of somepony putting so much planning into using a Memory before,” Pinkie muttered, impressed despite herself.

“But that’s the point. I didn’t. I put the Gaia Memory on a shelf in my planning room, off the kitchens for many of my early events. I’d look at it, and think of all the ponies driven insane or even killed by those things. And that gave me all the determination I needed. Every time I looked at it, I could see in my mind’s eye the alternative if I didn’t manage to host a perfect party using my own talents. It was an incentive even stronger than fear of poverty, for me. And for all the years since, the Party Memory box has been in the kitchens, or in the office, at every party I have hosted. An alternative so terrible I would do anything rather than resort to it. And in all those years, twice have I been desperate enough to open the box, and to look upon the Memory itself before remembering why I would never be that weak.”

“You never used it?” Applejack was still cynical, “So you can show us your flanks, and that your cutie mark is intact. Right?” Blossom Child gave a slight blush, but she nodded. She stopped at the next landing, almost on the lowest levels of the castle now, and lifted the frills of her uniform just a little, one side at a time. Her cutie mark was a slide rule; the traditional tool of organisers and accountants.

“That doesn’t prove it,” Twilight muttered, “I want to believe you, I kind of want to like you, too. That sounds like something I might have done. But we’ll know for sure when you can show us the Memory, and we can see there’s no magical residue on it. I’m pretty sure I could test for that now.”

Applejack looked at Twilight curiously. She wanted to know how checking cutie marks could now be inconclusive, but that wasn’t something she’d ask in the presence of a possible dopant. There was one thing she could ask, though.

“So it wasn’t you spreading rumours about me and Pinkie? One of your workers said you made up those lies when you heard the nurses’ room was busy this time.”

“I…” and Blossom Child stopped walking again, blushing even deeper than before and staring down at her hooves, “I’m sorry. I heard that Ponyville’s party planning prodigy was coming to the gala, and that she wanted to see how it was done so she could take over next year. I was scared I might lose my contract, and I’d be middle-class again after all my effort. You really are judged by who you work for in this world. So… I heard ponies were falling sick. My head pâtissier suggested that there might be something in the food, that somepony was trying to ruin us. That was the rumour I heard, and of course Pinkie was my first suspect. But then I spoke to AJ, and I knew I was just being paranoid. But… the idea kind of grew in my mind. Pinkie didn’t know how to dance at a formal event, didn’t know the protocol and etiquette. She had all the talent, she could bring joy to everypony so naturally, but she didn’t have all the knowledge I’d spent so many hours hoarding. The two of us together would be unstoppable.”

“You spread the rumours, though.”

“Yes. Because I realised, if she was feeling down, if she was pilloried in gossip, she would feel so hopeless and alone. She– You would leap at any friendly gesture, you’d trust the hoof that helped you up when it came back with a contract. You provide the talent and inspiration, I have the organisation, we both have our own contacts. We would be the greatest team who ever lived, and you were so desperate for recognition that you nearly signed a contract giving me all the money, and all the credit.” She hesitated again, and there was a tear in her eye as she finished: “I got so caught up in my own paranoia, I became what I feared. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, don’t mope,” Pinkie nudged the unicorn, and gave a huge grin, “It’s all over now, right? And it would be so much fun planning a party without having to worry about how much everything costs, maybe we can still do it some time. We can call it a Pinkie Blossom Party!”

“You’d forgive me?”

“Sure, we could make the best party ever! But now, we got to find out why there’s a dopant here.”

The conversation as they approached the office was more friendly, but Applejack and Twilight both felt like they were still guarding a suspect. They didn’t have Pinkie Pie’s experience in shrugging off bad emotions to just laugh. Blossom Child indicated a wooden box, on a small shelf almost buried in organisation charts. She didn’t even suggest that she should be allowed to touch it. Twilight lifted it down with her magic, and they could all see that it was the spectacular antique described in the story. Then Twilight slowly opened the lid.

Blossom Child was the first to gasp, and the surprise made her drop the golden key she was offering Twilight. The others hadn’t handled the box many times before, didn’t realise that it shouldn’t have opened so readily. Inside was a large amount of padding, edged with gold and lined with green velvet. Towards the edge of the box, the exquisite workmanship was ruined where tiny gears from a smashed golden lock had pierced the fabric. And in the middle, there was an indentation exactly the right size to hold a Gaia Memory. There was a gilt image on the bottom, a letter P styled to resemble a party popper; presumably a copy of the engraving on the crystal that should have been there.

“How can we find it?” Blossom Child was almost in a panic, which would be even more disturbing to any subordinates who’d grown used to her as the only stable point when things went wrong. Twilight was the first to answer, the charts, lists, and diagrams on the walls making her feel as confident as she would in her own lab.

“It must be somepony who had access to the apple treats between here and the buffet tables. Also somepony who can come in this room when you’re not here. How many staff could that be?”

“Maybe one of the chefs got jealous you’re serving somepony else’s food?” Applejack hazarded a guess, “I think with all these papers you can check on the roster.”

“I got an index too,” Pinkie grinned, “Just mine doesn’t have prices and timetables and stuff. Let’s see if I can look up who it could be as fast as you.”

“Party games for eggheads,” Applejack sighed, “Well, as long as one of you gets an answer before somepony else falls ill.”

“We don’t need to rush,” Blossom Child turned to two of the waiters who had been waiting for her outside the office. They were in the outer office now, nervously peeking through with no idea what was happening. “You, tell all the staff, we’re pulling the apple treats. Box them up. If anypony asks, such a wonderful gift from the bakers of Ponyville is being reserved for after the last dance, so it doesn’t run out too soon. We don’t need to stir public opinion any further.”

“That’s not what you told us to…” one of the colts began, then caught sight of the boss’s serious expression. He didn’t hesitate any longer, but turned and hurried to get the command carried out.

“Right,” Twilight looked back and forth between the ponies present, “Two lookups, on two datasets. Whoever gets the answer first wins. If you get the same answer, then we’re sure.”

“The staff rosters are the perfect point to start,” Blossom Child pulled one poster-sized sheet of paper off the walls and laid it out on the table. She started ticking off names on a list, comparing it with another, as Pinkie stood in an empty space to one side of the room with her eyes closed.

“Keyword: Apple fritters,” Twilight stated, before looking back to Blossom Child’s diagrams. She knew that Fluttershy and Rarity would be able to hear too, as the communication system in the collars used the same kind of magic that let Pinkie hear the keywords clearly in her dreams. They were all waiting for an answer now.

“Now, the shifts are cyclical, so the table staff aren’t all taking a break at the same time. We don’t record who took what, but we do log all the plates brought back so the chefs know what to prepare. That should tell me who was where.

“One thousand, three hundred and twelve results.”

“It could have been the waiting staff or the kitchen staff, in theory, but only the highest ranked chefs would be in this room. And if they have anything to do, they’ll be working flat out in the kitchen.” Pens danced back and forth on the charts, making lists and then crossing out the names one by one as comparison of different charts eliminated them.

“Keyword: Gala Administration Office.”

“But I’m starting to think there is one pony I would suspect, and I sincerely hope that is not the case. She is one of my most trusted chefs, but might fear for her career if I talked about bringing Applejack into the fold. And I know she did a great deal of scheming to rise to her current position, the dream of being a simple farm pony made good.”

“Seventeen results.”

“Who told you that I had the Gaia Memory? Because only one other pony in my employ has ever seen it, and I’m sure most of them think the box is a good luck charm.”

“I don’t know,” Applejack shrugged, “She came to the medical room. What did she look like, Fluttershy?” She got a response, but by the time Applejack recognised the description she had already worked out who it must be.

“Keyword: Party Dopant,” Twilight said firmly, realising as she did so that she could have said that before and probably got a single response. The index included dopant identities, so the name of a Gaia Memory would have been all the information they needed.

“I so hope it isn’t her,” Blossom Child seemed distraught now, “What could have happened to make her that desperate? It can’t be somepony I trusted, but none of the table staff have been in all the rooms where a victim fell ill. It has to be her, but I don’t want to believe…”

“One match: Party Dopant - Sweet Cane.”

---

Sweet Cane was busy in her kitchen. She was the head pâtissier now, the specialist in cakes, flans, tortes, and sweets of all kinds. Since she’d been working with Blossom Child, she had ensured that every recipe included her family’s delicious golden cane sugar, made to a secret recipe. Some ponies without a sweet tooth might have objected, but the societal strength of her patron now meant that she was in a position to dictate fashions; and sugar was the ‘in’ thing this year.

Of course, one pony couldn’t dictate what her customers should want. But at the same time, if one influential pony couldn’t stop eating a treat due to the addition of a secret ingredient, their enthusiasm would attract imitation by most of the upper middle classes. She’d first borrowed the secret ingredient months before, and it had given her everything she wanted. Only on special occasions, though, she heeded the notes on madness that Blossom Child had folded inside the tiny book that gave instructions on the use of the Memory. A week between uses, or more. And when she had to tire a pony until they danced beyond their limits, until the soul departed their body and left their life force to recharge the crystal, then she would choose a lower-class nobody who hadn’t mustered the courage to rise to the top; or even a gatecrasher who would certainly not be missed.

It had worked perfectly, until she heard that the guests at the Gala included both a genius party planner and a farmer who specialised in apple pies. She’d overheard one of the Wonderbolts at an earlier event, expounding on how they were sure apple treats were going to be the next big thing. Without any warning, Sweet Cane had felt the rage rising within her. How dare another farmer try to outdo her perfect performance, and rise to the same rank at the top of society. It wouldn’t be hard to deal with, though. Sweet Cane had put on her public face and set out to face the challenge. Accusations, rumours, she knew exactly what to say and how to turn ponies against each other. They were the skills that had got her where she was.

Now she was making a new batch of treats to replace the apple snacks. It meant her plan had worked, the interloper would take the blame. But it would be a hollow victory, too, unless she used the power of the Party Memory one more time. With Applejack and Pinkie Pie disgraced and blamed for poisoning the party, they would never get Celestia’s ear. And nopony would care when they went missing on the way home. She hadn’t tried making cake golems or living streamers before, but she knew it was within her powers now. Only a few more hours to wait, until those peasants were kicked out of the hall.

“Sweets!” Blossom Child yelled angrily, “It’s true?” Sweet Cane opened her mouth for an equally excited rebuttal, and then saw Applejack standing right behind the boss, in a position of trust. And she saw both their eyes fixed on the kitchen counter, where a green crystal lay with a light coating of sugar. There was no way she could claim innocence, and she couldn’t see any mistake that could have let them get so close. There was only one thing left to try.

“PARTY!”

“LAUGHTERᏔHONESTY!”

Light filled the kitchen, and when it was possible to see again the space was dominated by the dopant and the Champion. Twilight Sparkle was already shepherding Blossom Child outside, to some kind of safety.

“Why are you protecting her?” the gaily-coloured monster sneered, “This is her fault. She made me like this, I only wanted to–”

Apple Pie’s hoof caught her across the muzzle, and she hit the wall with enough force to crack stone.

“Still no responsibility!” Blossom Child shook off Twilight’s hoof, and strode to face her former apprentice, “The Gaia Memory was a test, I knew that when I first saw it. And you failed.” Her pride was still there, and her courage. She was practically shaking with fear, but she wouldn’t let it control her. She faced the dopant with anger, and disappointment visible in every line of her body.

“I did what you never had the courage for,” the dopant sneered, and her body became almost liquid as she reached out with arms like toffee, encircling the older pony. “I made our business grow and bloom, and if you can’t see that then you’re better off transformed into sweet, sweet crystals. I’m sure your fans will love the delicacies I can make with –”

Apple Pie’s hoof connected with the dopant’s jaw again, but passed right through her body with a thick sucking sound. It was like the creature’s whole body was made of some thick syrup, and she could make it reform with no difficulty. Her expression was more surprised than hurt.

“Fine,” she glared at the pink and orange pony, “I’ll deal with you first. Will the Gaia Memories turn into sugar too? Or maybe they’ll be wrapped up in my syrup forever, giving me more than just one power. Wouldn’t that be delicious?” Her taffy forelegs whipped out, almost like those of Twilight Moon had done. If Apple Pie had tried to dodge the attack, it would have followed easily. But they were both angry, and running away didn’t cross their minds. They didn’t approach to get caught up in the writhing tentacles either, but reared up, raised both forehooves in the air, and slammed them down on the Driver.

“LAUGHTERHONESTY: Maximum Drive!” The Driver’s melodious voice called out. Sweet Cane’s eyes went wide; she’d never imagined that a Gaia Memory could say something other than its own name, but it was immediately obvious that the one this earth pony had was vastly different from Party.

She was surrounded by a torrent of streamers, and plates of snacks flying through the air. She dived to catch them almost instinctively, recalling a particularly spectacular overloaded table at the first party she’d organised for her granny. Back when making cakes and treats had been something she enjoyed doing, rather than a way to prove she was better than everypony else. The dusting of sugar across her muzzle, too, a chance gift of sweetness to be licked away. In those days, she’d wanted to make her family happy. How had she gone from that to wanting to put them down, to prove that she’d evolved beyond the world they knew when she reached the middle classes? The next projectile from the party cannon – she didn’t even have time to wonder where that thing had come from – was a streamer made from a simple length of twine with pieces of raw cane threaded onto it. Once upon a time, it had been a common practical joke for the foals on the plantation to hang something like that amid the rafters before a party, where it would go unnoticed until heat and moisture caused the gooey sweetness to drip down on some poor unfortunate’s mane.

All these memories, of how her sugar could bring fun to everyone, were practically overwhelming. Practically enough to make Sweet Cane reconsider her actions. She was expectant as she turned her head from the twine snagged on her leg towards the cannon, awaiting the next treat.

The next treat was an orange earth pony’s hind leg, delivered right into her breast with considerable force. Sweet Cane’s head spun, and she felt her limbs snapping back to their normal position as the power of the Memory momentarily deserted her. It took all the willpower she could muster just to keep her body soft, sweet, and pliable enough to ignore the next attack. That strike was a fetlock punch to her stomach, one of the most aggressive moves known to brawling ponies, and something Apple Pie would have been surprised to know if she’d ever thought about it.

Sweet Cane kept her body fluid, and the hoof went right through her skin. As long as she was a tasty treat, there were no vital organs inside the dopant’s body to hit, so she knew that she was invulnerable. She was sure of that right up to the moment she saw a pink hoof withdraw from her body with a sucking sound, the Party Memory gripped tightly in the crook of Apple Pie’s wrist. There was just time to gasp in shock as green lightning arced between the Memory and the scar where it had originally been inserted. The Gaia Memory shattered, and the smaller pieces transformed into perfect golden sugar as they cascaded towards the ground.

---

The victory celebration was a little muted this time. The only sounds in the little room were the occasional slurp of somepony drinking, and the rhythmic click-clunking of the typewriter.

“I still can’t believe you brought that thing,” Applejack repeated as Twilight pulled out another neatly typed page and slowly wound a blank sheet into the mechanism, “And you were telling us about all the limits on what we can bring, ‘cause of the weight the balloon will carry.”

“I thought we might need to make a report to Princess Celestia,” Twilight muttered curtly, “And I was right. Just because we’re normally in Ponyville doesn’t mean it’s the only place that has dopants.”

“I guess.”

“So where are you up to?” Pinkie Pie tried bouncing excitedly, but her normal levity hadn’t really returned. There was something profoundly unsatisfying about the whole evening. They’d handed Sweet Cane over to the Royal Guards, who had been very formal and businesslike, but the rest of the guests still shunned them, and the rumours hadn’t stopped.

“Just writing what Blossom Child said about you,” Twilight sighed, “And asking Celestia not to punish her too harshly. She’s probably beating herself up about it enough already, and she’s doing her best to get everypony to trust you again.”

“I still want to show her how to load a party cannon,” Pinkie grinned at last, “I don’t want to learn about all those diagrams though. I’d rather leave that part to somepony else.”

“It’s such a shame, though,” Rarity pouted, a little overdramatically, as she returned to the table with a mug of coffee hovering in front of her, “We travelled all this way to meet lords and princes, and now they won’t even look at us. I have never been snubbed like that in my whole life, and when we saved the castle as well!”

“I think that might have been something to do with you telling that Not Worthit creep where to stick his crown jewels.”

“And kicking him in the jewels too,” Applejack said with some admiration, “I never thought I’d see you buck like that Rarity.”

“Well, when he said…” Rarity started, then blushed and cleared her throat, “Anyway, this certainly hasn’t been the best party ever for us. In fact, I might say it’s even been the worst.”

“At least the coffee’s good,” Spike spoke from his perch on top of a giant coffee machine. While the others attended the Gala, he’d been left without a ticket somehow, so had amused himself revisiting all his old haunts in Canterlot instead. He was happy to have finally reunited with the others, but still unimpressed that they’d felt obliged to leave the castle and reconvene here.

“Well, there’s a point in its favour,” Twilight agreed, raising her mug to make a toast. “To a night of disappointments, made good again by Donut Joe’s special magic, and by ending the night with good friends.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Pinkie beamed, “To friends who make everything better. Even the worst night ever!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it was that bad,” a distinctive voice chuckled from the doorway, “It was certainly more interesting than most of the Galas of past years.” The others quickly stood up, turning around and trying to look as smart as possible.

“P… Princess Celestia!” Applejack gasped, “Did we do something wrong? Did you come looking for us?”

“No, but I’m glad to find you,” the absolute monarch of Equestria gave a gentle smile, “I always come here after the events of the day have forced me to be more formal than I would like. You would not believe how tiring it can be to shake a thousand hooves and say ‘hello’ a thousand times without any chance of real conversation. And despite our earlier… discussion… I am proud of the way you handled yourselves tonight. I would rather the party be a little chaotic than very boring, and while I am duty-bound to disapprove of such violence, from one mare to another I can say I am entirely sure that Lord Note Worthy deserved everything he got.” She laughed, and her speech was lively and witty. Just like one of the girls, with none of the formal airs she was forced to adopt in court. It was like meeting a completely different pony for the Champions of Harmony, as only Twilight, Spike, and Joe had seen this side of their Princess before.

“So…” Twilight hesitated, “About the questions I came to ask. I was hoping I’d get a chance to talk to you, but the dopant seems to have kept us busy, and –”

“Is this the strange contraption you’ve been using to send me letters?” Celestia interrupted her student, walking over to peer into the mechanism of the typewriter, “Such a strange idea, and a little half-baked if you ask me. If somepony designed a mechanism to write letters, then why not go all the way and use a little enchantment to make it respond to your voice? Pressing those buttons seems like it should involve as much effort as writing manually.”

“I was saying, I wanted to ask if there’s anything else we need to know about the Gaia Memories. Like if they’re going to spring any surprises on us. And can I look at the Memories book in your museum. I won’t ask why you won’t trust everypony, I’ll go in alone. I know there might be a dopant out there who wouldn’t survive the destruction of its Memory, I figured that much out, and I agree that with our powers based in compassion, facing such an enemy would surely divide us. I promise you Princess, if that dopant causes trouble, I will do what needs to be done. And if they do not cause trouble, then they do not need to be exterminated.”

“Twilight, what is–”

“You need to have a strong Champion to make the decisions. To be your successor, because that’s what apprenticeship means, isn’t it? And because indecision is a point of weakness, you need one pony to make the decisions, not a group. And if you still don’t want to tell me the names of the ponies you don’t trust, then don’t worry, because I’ll find out when I need to know. You trained me to be a leader, and I didn’t even notice. That’s why you’re reluctant to tell me everything about the dopants, about the Gaia Fountain, even about the Driver. Because you’re waiting to see if I have the guts to make the hard choices and to take on the whole responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Well, I’m telling you now. I. Am. Ready.”

The café was silent for a long minute, the only sound somepony shifting from hoof to hoof nervously.

“Very well,” Celestia bowed her head, “I will show you the book of Memories again. And I will tell you… to my shame, I have modified the Driver. I hoped to avert a repeat of the troubles between myself and my sister, but I wonder now if the reduction in the Driver’s power may cause more problems for you than it is worth. For that I am sorry, but you have now my promise that there will be no more secrets between us.” The two touched horns, an archaic gesture to seal a contract, like a much more formal Pinkie Promise.

The only dissenting voice was in the shadows outside: “Always with the intrigue, sister dear,” she muttered to herself, almost disappointed, “No more secrets. But of course, there is still one left.”