the first human in equestria part 1
the first human teleported in the world of equestria and no one liked him just like in the old world And now he teleported in the royal canterlot castle in princess celestia's room. Princess celestia shocked and watched at me and asked who and what are you? i said i was a human she didn't know what it was she looked at me and said you're bleeding the princess called the main 6 when twilight read the letter she picked up all pony and went to canterlot. and when they arrived at princess celestia's room. And when everypony looked at the human and the princess said: twilight... Do you know what he is?
twilight said:.... yes i think it is a human everypony looked at twilight. How did you know? everypony asked well a while ago i readed a book about humans the book said humans are evil and can do the most horrible things the human said: it's true i'm human but it's not true that i'm evil believe me and i've got a name called Lars. everypony looked at Lars then the princess said you go to the hospital then i will think about what i'm gonna do with you ok? Lars said it was ok and he went to the hospital.
then doctor whooves appeared and Doctor whooves said: i will help you if you don't try to kill me or something ok!? Lars said why i'm not an evil person or something why i would kill you?. well i heard rumors about you so thats why i'm scared. Lars said yeah but don't be scared i'm not EVIL ALRIGHT! doctor whooves helped the human. When Lars was sleeping in bed then someone at night knocked on the door. the human said MAN i'm sleeping! Lars came out of bed and opened the door it was princess Luna.
Lars said: who are you? and the princess said: i'm princess Luna the princess of the night! (with the royal canterlot voice)
Lars shocked and said: umm yeah.. more quiet please.. the princess said: oh yeah .. um sorry about that but umm i've got a message for you princess celestia said that i most say you can stay in ponyville but don't do anything stupid ok? Lars said it was ok. 2 days later doctor whooves said he can go and when Lars was outside he was really very hungry ans so he was going to the market and wanted some apples but he doesn't have got any money. and so he was going to the sweet apple acres he sawed applejack and asked for some apples but applejack refused to give him some apples cause applejack didn't like Lars and Lars said: AJ why you don't give me some apples i need to eat something but still.. AJ refused.
so Lars went travelling to pinkie pie and so when he was in the house pinkie pie wasn't happy cause Lars was in the store and Lars asked for some cupcakes but then pinkie pie refused to give him some pie so the human went go outside and he went to twilight and spike and asked for some ice-cream but he didn't get any ice-cream cause twilight didn't want to give him any ice-cream and so he went go outside again and went to rarity and then lars asked umm hello rarity ? rarity shocked and said go away you're just like DIRT Lars said: well umm yeah.......can i have some food please? rarity said no cause she didn't like Lars and then rarity said: GO AWAY dirt!
NOW Lars was sad and went to rainbowdash the one who's chilling on and in the clouds and Lars said HEY RAINBOW DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD I'M REALLY VERY HUNGRY rainbowdash said: nope go somewhere else you stupid human thing. Lars was now really very sad but then he was thinking and well of course fluttershy has some food ! he went to fluttershy
and Lars knocked on the door fluttershy opened the door and shocked and was scared and closed the door quickly. then Lars was angry and went to the market again and stealed some apples. later at night he slept at the dirty ground and later at morning when every pony already woked up and then some pony looked at him and said hahahah dirty stupid human HAHA Lars standed up and was really very angry and went to canterlot to the princess. and then lars said i'm not happy everyone hates me in ponyville. the princess said well if you're not happy enough then you must go to the everfree forest and it's an order right now! you can't go back anymore!
Lars said ok he went to go to ponyville and was packing up he's stuff and then the main 6 are right of front of him and looked a tLars and twilight said why are you packing up you're stuff? Lars said cause i'm moving then fluttershy said well where you're going then ?
Lars said .... to the everfree forest the main 6 said: THE EVERFREE FOREST!!!!????
Lars said: eeeeyup and why is that so shocking? applejack said everfree forest is very big and lots of monsters and very dangerous.Lars said so what? i can't get a life here well... actually i can't get a life anywhere so i don't have a choice! the main 6 said:well fine just go then we are just happy you're going there we don't care!. and then Lars said man i'm the first human in equestria and i don't like it to be here when i thought it will be cool and much better when i was living in the old world.
and still i don't know why they are so rude to me i'm just a nice guy right? *sighs*
well it will be better to hide myself in the everfree forest so no one can see me again cause maybe is that what they want right ?
and so the human went to go to the everfree forest. (TO BE CONTINUED)
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Mary fucking sue. How did this get posted?
694576 yeah it's my first story and i'm not english
:(
Okay okay, let me be nice. I'll be nice. Yup.
So it's your first story? Well alright. We've all been there. We've all boarded the train at some point, right? Well then, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.
People don't like HiE stories with little to no original twists to them (not that there are many more 'twists' left, but still).
694578 Fan fictions 101: if bad fic: ME SORRY ME FIRST TIME (sad face goes here). I mean...holy shit what is this abamination of a Fan fic? I swear, Poultron or another Admin/Mod must have gotten into the hospital just by reading this shit.
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You should have put forward more chapters in beginning. It gives people a sense that you are going any where with this.
Also I am a former Russian national. English is a second language to me but I still type a good fic.
God really the lack of any good grammar or spelling. PeaceColt112 would have a field day.
ok...
Can't tell if trollfic...
694585 dude i'm just 14 years i'm not good at writing stories and i wanted to write 1 and i did my very best! and worked hard on it!
694632 Are you fucking retarded? Posting your age on the internetz? And 14? Get. The. Fuck. Out. And never come back until get get a MVG++ on Writing or someting. And stick to your shitty Xbox 360 and/or Ps3. We dont want your ''kind'' here.
Alright. Calm down guys, leave the guy alone, 'kay?
I'd give this a full review on grammar, spelling and story, but that's be pointless.
my little smokey, I'd take this down just to avoid the haters. The maybe -- just maybe -- you could write another, better version.
Or something completely different. But that isn't the point.
The point is that no one will enjoy this, believe me. I've read enough of these types of stories to know it. In a few years, if you keep learning English and develop more writing skills, you could come out with a good story.
Cheers.
694650 i don't like xbox and ps3 and i will never leave this site.
694668 yeah well thanks for advice but in the years i always get bullied in real life and internet i better never make a story again right?
Well, we shouldn't be too harsh on him. Love and tolerate, everypony. I'm sure that if some of us provided some good pointers, he'd understand what makes a good story.
First of all, HiE stories too often follow the same old and worn formula of some guy ending up on Equestria, meeting the mane six and/or princesses, and getting along with them pretty soon afterwards. You need to rethink that, add some kind of a clever twist. Something that's not often done. Maybe not even place him in Equestria, like I've done in my fic.
Also, make sure your grammar is correct. Learn what homonyms are, don't flip between tenses, remember to capitalize letters accordingly, and so on.
Lastly, the description you've provided of your fic is dismal, and frankly said, dissuaded me from reading the fic. That's never a good thing.
694687 Never make a story again? Seriously, just sick at it. If you have a passion for something go for it! Get better at the required skills, and if you are so concerned about bullying and having a bad name -- make a new account. No one can see you behind the internet, a new account is the easiest way to get away from any haters (I did that on a forum once..).
I hate to see people be bullied or upset.
Good luck in the future.
694705 ok thx.
694707 No problem mate!
If you keep on writing one day and want some help, just message me, okay?
Once again, good luck.
694682 then you are a retard. Go on, make my day good sir. Make more crappy fics. I fucking dare you. and the whole HiE is overdone to the poin where everyone is starting to hate it, you won't find any more ideas in the future. And bullied irl? Oh boo-hoo. You are the reason why this new generation sucks so hard even Gordon Freeman says bad things about it, and he don't speak. Go back to school and stay there until you are about 20.
694728 no i have good reputation on school VERY GOOD i will have a future and i didn't know that people hates HiE alright!? and in the future when i'm 16 or 17 i will go to high school for studies! and BTW and i didn't know that people hates HiE alright!?
694728
You, sir, do not show embrace for the Love & Tolerate standard that is pertinent to brony culture. May I kindly suggest that you review your demeanor and promptly rectify it? Thank you.
694727 ok thanks! : D
694747 Oh where did you get Scumbag Steve's hat? You clearly staded in a presvious comment (not to me) that you where bullied. Ypu really are one stupid mother fucker. HiE hated? NO FUCKING SHIT its so unorigina that even Parodys is more original. Oh and good luck what that ''future''. And don't repeat the same shit again.
694751 you're right suomibrony : D
694751 Oh my, who are you? On wait..Just some random guy on the internet. Where was the Love and Tolerance during the ''Derpy incedend''? I sure did not see any.
694764nope you're stupid you don't love and tolerate that is something standard in the brony culture just like suomibrony says!
694632
I am recently 14 too, but I at least know some English, and it isn't my first language either, I'm Arabic.
694775 ok cool right? : D
694769
I decided not to mix myself in that sordid fiasco, and I'm quite saddened that many did.
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694789 Its cool Bro'
I read it...Please, rip my eyeballs out and kill me now..
Once again, just chill out SomeBrony. Why are you so bothered, anyway? Do you think he'll get better if we just constantly throw insults and be snide to him? No! 'Course not. You've said your piece, and we all understand -- you don't like this. Fine. If you have nothing constructive to say now, don't say anything.
694808 oh i see you don't like it huh? well you sure DON'T show love and tolerance right?
Don't hate on this guy...Yes, it's not a good fic...It's a generic HiE story and it's not even written good...So what? Is that a reason to bully him? This is Fimfiction. Everyone has the right to post a story here. Not every story is good, and some are bad. Seriously stop all this hating, it's not fair. Has one of YOU ever written a story? Some of you probably did, so you should know how mind-fucking it is to receive only hate. If you didn't like it, just click the dislike button and leave. I guess he will figure out from the dislike bar, that he didn't do good. You don't need to tell him that.
694808 Oh and for you...I can do that...
694832
I don't like it, not at all, but I never said I wouldn't tolerate it being here, I'd thumb it down, since it isn't that great, but I wouldn't bully you for it.
694805 haters gonna hate just like you SomeBrony
694845 yeah but i didn't like it when you said i read it kill me now and rip my eyeballs out that make me feel different if you post that.
694847 i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/223/859/Four%20words%20for%20you.jpg
694864 nope i won't take that hint of yours
When the author of a poor story expresses a desire to improve, then I will at least be respectful enough not to thumb down his or her story. On principle, I thumb only down those stories where the author is too proud and/or stubborn to listen to advice, or is otherwise an obnoxious buffoon. Telling the author, who wishes to become a better author, to scram with petty insults, is not advice.
Wow, some bronies really shouldn't be allowed to be bronies if they can't love and tolerate. And others just need to chill out.
694867 Oh boo-hoo im so sad. Fuck off and die in a hell hole. Your punny ''insults'' are noting more than a tiny poke on me.
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694893 you know you shouldn't be allowed as a brony and do you know how it feels to be bullied huh??? no i don't think so it fucking hurts and people kill their selves for being bullied and you think you're cool to bullie me huh and other people right/ well fuck you and try to understand that you need to show some more love and tolerance!!
694893
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694910 i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/003/725/CA2AZEUYCAV8D8DWCAV6DFI1CAHE3E9TCARKHXZQCASANZM7CAFNWYA9CA1RMWYCCAGRO037CA9S5RGOCAD79DODCAHA78T7CA20C1E6CAXTHXO1CAPJOTJ8CA2W6KD5CA11VCFBCA3MGIBOCAVSQ0LF20110724-22047-1b0snlk.jpg
694911 Kay'
694919 NOPE JIJ IRRITANTE GESTOORDE GEK TOLEREER MEER!!
694939 lol who say i'm crying huh? i'm speaking dutch you don't understand anything right?and lol who say i'm crying huh? i don't cause the things you do are only for stupid irritating rude people i'm not crying for that ! tering lijer!
694953 i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/132/280/1307651951001.jpg
694955 Nope
694955 Are you serious? Nothing better to do than using one meme after another? Get a real life, a Backbone and some education, little Kid.